Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

IodineQueen

yeah I hear you on that
I’m very sorry to read that
very unsettling

So sorry to hear this Iodine… we need to feel free and safe to decide. Id say you’ve been unlucky but it’s good you look at the guys you dated that did that and see if there’s something common to all of them. They sound like under developed thugs really…uneducated. Please don’t feel obliged to carry on with some you don’t want to

Thanks. Definitely unlucky but I also ignored some huge red flags, so, lesson learned! Many lessons learned actually

@Mila14 when are you seeing MrO again?

Iodine…Monday!

Been chatting to two irons for a couple of days. Meeting first tomorrow for a quick drink. Other has asked to meet too so we'll sort something for next week. I'll name if I end up having a second date - which for me is rare 😆

Goodness @IodineQueen what underdeveloped lowlife you've hooked up with in the past. I can't imagine such behaviour. There are many good men out there, I'm sorry you've had such bad luck and been on the receiving end of such shocking behaviour.

Hi @Naimee87! 👋👋 I remember the whole Mr Elf saga and your powerful love of trucks 😊

I'm glad there's a consensus on Mr what makes you purr. I think I'll just wish him good luck getting an answer to that from anyone and move on.

I'm in the 34 - 49 range and it's just the same. Also, what is it with the sticking out of the tongue and making a call me gesture with their hand?

I'd be inclined to agree. It's far too complicated for an opener. I had a guy once ask me to choose a three course meal and explain my choices. He went first. I put a lot of thought into my response only for him to unmatch 😳

Daydreamscometrue I don't say much on the messages now. I probably come across as reserved but I think I used to over-share & also, like you said, they'd ask me something & I'd give a long thought-out response & then I'd get a one word answer back (then I'd feel silly!) or they'd disappear.

Also filters (women get a lot a stick for using those but I see TONS on the men's pics!)
& Pouting.
Thumbs up.
Pulling stupid faces.
(I sound really grumpy don't I)

Butterfly Sending you hugs, I'm sure you look better than you think you do

It's such a minefield isn't it, can well imagine these guys thinking 'this will make me stand out from the crowd!' as they press send, but for me that sort of message is an instant no. I just cannot be arsed to share such nonsense with a complete stranger. I think my favourite openers are ones that either make me laugh or are just short and sincere and show a bit of character.

@IodineQueen I'm so sorry to hear you've had those experiences. Have you had therapy at all and talked about it? It would be good to really reflect on what those red flags were that you ignored early on and have a hand-hold through choosing your next partner. I ignored red flags spectacularly with my husband so I totally get it. There are lots of good men out there who won't behave like that, as @WeWantTheFinestWines says.

Daydreamscometrue

what the hell !
i had someone ask abiut my favourite date
i said walk , and a Vietnamese meal

he also unmatched me !

Vietnamese 😋 I'm hungry now!

@NervesOfCotton I've met @ButterflyOfShay and can confirm she is gorgeous 😍 ❤️

Sadly some of us just don't look good in photos 😔

Have been trying to pep talk myself about impending sex n nakedness with new Mr Art on Sunday.
I know it is like riding a bike but it's been soooooo long and I know he/I won't care about the non-supermodel detail of my 50+ body (he'd better bloody not as a 55 year old non-supermodel himself) but cannot for the life of me work out how it will play out and who puts what where and when.

I'm going to need a big glass of wine and a load of kissing then surely it will all come back to me the basics of what to do.

I'm stupidly terrified but not sure what of. Also cannot wait. Get a funny feeling in my loins at the thought of it and reading the increasingly suggestive texts.

Yikes. Did not expect this to be happening this disruption to my deliberate long term celibacy.

Do you think I should insist on a cinema trip ahead of the bedroom gymnastics or get there, guzzle wine and get down to it...?

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

asahhhhh !!!! Trust me once the horn takes over
you’ll be fine !

that Dolly girl (columnist ) wrote somewhere that really al men really like is a naked woman

gets yourself shaved n oiled and off you go

and no cinema 😂
rip that plaster OFF

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I’m sorry you had a similar experience with your husband. Yes, I had some therapy at the time and am now having trauma-focussed therapy with a psychologist. For the first time it feels like I can see the patterns and origins of the patterns quite clearly… my biggest mistake was making excuses for their abuse and feeling sorry for them, giving them second, third, twentieth chances. I won’t make the same mistake again!

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I totally get the anxiety and overthinking, playing it through in your mind. I agree with @Thisisworsethananticpated about ripping off the plaster, although I’ve yet to rip it off myself 😂 you’ll be fine, it’s instinctive. We were born to have sex.

@IodineQueen the one your seeing now sounds a bit like my neighbour who on paper was perfect. We had so much in common, laughed, talked for ages and he was just such great company. He was great with my DS too. He had said he wanted to try take things to the next level but i just couldnt. There wasnt any spark even though i really felt like there should have been because everything else just fit. But we arent in contact anymore because he couldnt handle just being friends. I never wanted to take it any further either. In my opinion you cant go back once you have took that step and slept with someone. Either you do try a relationship or you ruin a friendship. I do miss him quite a bit but whenever we did get together it felt like there was a huge elephant in the room...so on the other hand i am pretty relieved and really hope he meets someone who appreciates him and feels the spark.

On a separate note i text magnet man to say we need to have some sort of plan in place for if anything like this ever happens again. He said he has made a contact list at home of all the important people which his mum now knows about (yes he lives with his mum i know, i know he is a massive catch.. 😂) he will also give my number to a friend so that he can reach me if anything like this happens again. Its at least a start/step in the right direction. I definitely cant do another sudden disappearance past few weeks were very very tough on the old emotions.

I’m a 50 (something) year old man , if he is anything like me, he will just as worried that his 50 year old body will be a disappointment to you and this his 50 year old bits are not going to “work” as they use to,
have a drink ,but not too quickly, take it easy and enjoy & l love riding bikes…and don’t overthink, the bits go where they have always gone…

@Naimee87 oh that’s such a shame about your neighbour, especially since you lost a friendship over it. Sparks are such strange things. I don’t understand them, but I guess they’re not meant to be understood. I’m not sure how capable I am of letting go and feeling proper sparks at the moment as I’m just really scared. I try to remind myself that it’s understandable considering my previous experiences… why wouldn’t I feel scared?

Super good luck Slothy!
it will be just fine

Thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated for firm guidance there.

Copy copy roger roger no insisting on being taken out but fragrantly preened and greased up ready for some innate carnal actions.

Will wear pretty but easy access button up frock, slight heels and best (matching!) undies, take a gift of a handy candle and expect wine and warm-up kissing on arrival.

Gulp though I've only met him three times and not my usual type of overly handsome sex-god nobbers. More quiet, considered, polite, sweet...

Ok. Enough. Back to work I go. Thanks for helping with my pre-shag anxiety.

Oncey… remember is the first time for both of you. He must be anxious too. To take pressure off I think you just have to feel how much each of you want the intimacy and feel the fire in the loins .We are made for sex and I don’t think you can fall in love with 0 action in the bedroom and having loins on fire. Everything is as should be.
Wine and kissing galore and action

Thank you @HowlongWillThisTakeNow this is a superb fella's perspective. You are so right about bike riding we just grab them out of the shed, dust off, hop on and get going don't we yes it might feel a bit odd popping the helmet on and kicking the kick stand away but after a wobbly start we're whizzing down the road enjoying the feels....

Good point about man bod too. As long as we get each other turned on (this has already been tested with some mild-medium slightly chaste canoodling) and the red wine levels are right it should all be fine.
I guess, as this is a safe space, that's the core of some of my concerns what happens if some aspect of one another gives the other an instant ick qnd the whole build up of delightful sexual tension is dashed and awkward and we end up getting dressed and calling the whole thing off. #awkward #bummer