Dating Thread 233 - Being Our True Selves

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Naimee87 I'm with @Thisisworsethananticpated you obviously care about your Magnet Man and you need to have a strategy of either of you go MIA. Would you consider sharing numbers of friends etc as emergency contacts? And this has highlighted your feelings for him so you deserve to know a bit more about him, it's not fair of you to live in complete ignorance of the rest of his life 🧡

@SortingItOut I'm not doing very well with my coffee dates. I've (not deliberately) left it in other peoples' power to confirm or otherwise and they haven't done so ... I'm not really in the frame of mind for chasing so let's see. Tomorrow was supposed to be the first one ...

I have a man interested in me IRL (not MrA) and I'm talking to him on and off. MrD and I as you know have had a rocky time recently and it remains to be seen how things shake out again for us. We will struggle to have an open relationship where we share everything as he can be so stroppy I just can't be arsed to have an argument about every coffee or phone call. The fact remains that I have several very low key flirtations going on though and I either accept that's the way I am and it's not going anywhere in particular and not going to change, or I raise it with MrD. I think we have other stuff to work through first though.

I'm impressed with that very healthy attitude although I think I'd be the same. Have book, will spa. I'd still be volcanically furious with her though.

I agree with Worsy…this thread is a life saver because we learn from others like us and realise our issues are communal. It’s a relief to speak openly to other women especially although we like to have male input here too.
Worsy, Mr Ex is the man of my life no question. But too many things went wrong ( especially when covid hit). I feel he has too many issues and I feel like escaping from him when it gets intense. I love him and he loves me but he’s not right as a partner. I would spend all my time supporting him and I need support too. I have to be the strong one all the time and it’s too much for me. So in dosis it’s superb.
im feeling less comfortable about MrO because he also needs a lot of support and, again, I’m the one that does not get emotional support. If I want to talk about something personal or an issue close to my heart I can see he gets impatient or wants to change tack. I’m looking for a partner . I do realise I look a lot more sorted than many men I meet especially at these middle aged times but …I want to rest from keeping all my shit together all the bloody time.

Neither MrEx nor Mr O are good at being partners…one is too self centred and the other is still grieving
Both are incredibly sexy and MrEx is actually beautiful to look at. I have a lot in common with both. MrEx is a lot more open emotionally to me and always has been. Mr O keeps being a question mark

I can’t promise I will not be looking around for a new iron and probably drop Mr O

ButterflyOfShay

its someone one of my best friends has raved about
Tbh I’ve had a few shit ones so i was wary
i live in hope !

Well done Howlongy…I agree , very pondered adult attitude.I’m glad you are meeting face to face too. Best wishes for Saturday

Bella. Excellent prospect with Mr D apart from Mr A. Let’s see how things pan out for you . Good luck on your coffee date !

MrA is an old iron who I had a short relationship with. I'm very fond of him but he loves miles away and it's really not going to happen, but we have a flirty WhatsApp relationship now.

MrD I've been seeing for almost a year and we are in an open relationship however other than flirtations I haven't acted on that agreement. The coffees I had lined up have melted away and I don't want to chase ... the other iron I met IRL I'll call MrFilm. I don't fancy him particularly but I love talking to him and we meet occasionally and share work and books etc. he knows I'm in an open relationship but I'm not sure we will act on it either. I think I just enjoy having a lot of romantic possibilities out there but not necessarily acting on them. I do also have a very high sex drive so I may act on our agreement if MrD and I have more time apart.

@SortingItOut I’m excited for you and your date with lovely guy from the wilds.

@ButterflyOfShay I won’t give the exact music genre in case it’s outing but along the lines of trance/beats stuff. He put some on when we were out and I cringed because I’m not the sort of person who would put on music in a public space. My taste in music is more at the classical end of the spectrum and I take it quite seriously, so as daft as it might sound it is kind of important to me to be vaguely musically compatible.

I really like him and am attracted to him but I’m leaning towards telling him I’m not feeling it romantically.

@SortingItOut Yea was very very hard navigating my feelings through all of this which shows me how important he is to me. A RL potential, im stocking up on the popcorn&prosecco(tonight obviously, meant to be hard at work right now) for this, high hopes for meeting someone in the real world... 💪😍 @Thisisworsethananticpated you have hit the nail right smack bam on its head there. I did immediately go to feeling he had ghosted because i think this is my worst fear and i was trying to live through it as fast as i could. I know that really doesnt make a lot of sense... but deep deep down i couldnt quite silence the little voice that was telling me he wouldnt do this. I mean what he actually went through had it not been for the photos would have sounded very very made up. And I absolutely believe that if you are not in contact with someone it is because of choice, given how many thousands of channels there are to check in with people. Although i am not on social media(other than here) cannot stand it. So i see the whole situation with him going forward very much like you. What i want out of all this is seeing him one evening a week or every other week and one weekend a month so we have quality time together. The weekends havent yet happenend and he says he absolutely wants more time together but his actions need to match his words. I will save going through this with him until i see him properly. I will check as well how we can make sure we know each other is ok in case something like this happens, again!

@BelladiMamma does Mr D have dates with other people? Do you tell each other about who you are meeting? I know several on the thread have talked about having a main relationship and being open with the other about other dates. I often wonder how it feels when you know that your iron is spending time ( sometimes being sexually active) with someone else? I can’t imagine that being a feature of my relationship with Mr V. I did have a couple of years where I was multi dating and plate spinning but it was a time of great emotional confusion. When I was in control of things I felt great but as soon as feelings became involved I really struggled. My relationship with Mr V isn’t perfect but I feel a lot calmer only focusing on one person. Of course it comes down to personal preference and the right fit but watching Mr V had out the door to meet someone else is unthinkable.

Naimee87

is definately use this incident as way to have a conversation

the basic challenge we have is:
we are unavailable because we are single mums and work FT etc etc (and maybe I’m a smidgen messed up too 😁)
they are unavailable because they have some issues of their own to navigate

so it’s a weird one in that it provides what we need (sex , attention , affection and excitement )
but there is a chunk missing too
hence when they go quiet we automatically jump to worst case scenario

I’ve done the same and actually it’s not helpful

i went nuts once - and then learnt he was actually really unwell 🤒

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

eyeball her hard !!!!
she needs to unequivocally understand the impact her actions had on you

and explain what was going on in her brain that made her so stressed that she did such a shitty thing

@Thisisworsethananticpated you really make me laugh! I am definitely more than a smidgen messed up too. Fully agree too, these men offer the fun/exciting elements of a relationship but not a full blow conventional one. I fluctuate between wanting one and then fear for my life as i know it as i end up feeling smothered by someone else. The two i have dated previously, one was amazing truly could not fault him but got the ick and from one day to the next we were over. The other was MrElf who turned out to be a nut-job! @BelladiMamma i think she remembers him. Ive been on my own for a long time and have got to a point where the life i have created for me and for my DS works really well and not only does it work it is so enjoyable. So part of me wishes MM could be more involved but then part of me loves the fact he isnt involved and that when i see him we just focus on each other. I guess either way we will have some sort of chat hopefully once this works trip is done with we will find an evening. GOD though, have to admit the thought of seeing him is already making me go quite shakey.

Naimee87

exactly ! Live by the sword , die by the sword I say

@BelladiMamma
im not a volcanic kinda person, but I’m a from a large extended family, I remember visiting lots of family gatherings as a young lad and being amazed at some people just hang on to stuff for years & years then pull it all out and examine at the drop of a hat.
if you watch Derry Girls, I’m a bit of a cross between Da Jerry & Uncle Colm.

I’ve just had a swipe through Bumble and feeling disheartened. I’m looking in the 32-42 age range and most of the men seem like overgrown boys. So much alcohol, video games, endless snowboarding/skydiving adventures, men who want a ‘cheeky girl who can give as good as she gets’ or ‘a girl who is open-minded’, men who declare themselves ‘non-monogamous’, men dressed as penises, men in nightclubs covered in glitter and a woman either side of them, men who list ‘pizza’ as an interest…

I don’t even know what I’m looking at anymore.

IodineQueen I hear you! I used to think I don't really have interests any more, I'm just 'mum'... But I can certainly come up with more that I like to do than just 'Pub' or 'Computer'.

Butterfly I hear you too! It's so hard when you aren't confident with how you look (especially in photos!) I'm sure I've said this before but what really gets to me is when I put a new pic on & think I look quite good for a change & then I get 0 'likes'... & Then I torment myself for actually caring about 'likes'

It’s frustrating starting with one then realising a few sessions in that its a waste of time. Hope they are great one for you!

@IodineQueen not daft at all, someone wanting trance on at all times would bring out my horrible side 😂😂🙈

@NervesOfCotton exactly that 😭 what are we like eh.. haha xx

@ButterflyOfShay @IodineQueen i listen to TRANCE all daaayyyyy everyday, well i mix it up a bit and chuck on some TECHNO too. Couldnt live without my music. I spoke to a friend of mine whose friend (male 50ish) is on the apps. He told me he literally copies and pastes other mens BIOs to his profile. Not one single thing on his profile is genuine. He has has his age settings from 25-42... can you imagine what a catch he is.... 😂My BIO was trucks, trance & techno thats all i had along with some photos, i did mention i have a child(teen now) Seems a life time ago now. NEVER EVER AGAIN (i hope )

I listen to a lot of music too, got right back to pretty hardcore electronic music that was all I used to listen to when I was young.. only when I’m on my own though, or with mates, wouldn’t feel comfortable playing music round a new person all the time, especially a date. I feel like that could start to irritate after a short time.

@Naimee87 that’s hilarious… cutting and pasting other men’s bios 😅😅
Is plagiarism worse than ‘ask me’ ?!!? 😄

I've matched with someone who's sent me this:

"Hello, what makes you purr, scratch and bite in life? What is your preferred and usual way of being you?"

I have no idea how to answer that! I can't decide whether I like that it's such an unusual question, or whether I find it completely contrived, pretentious and wanky. I'm leaning towards the latter...

@Naimee87, we wouldn't last 5 minutes in each other's company! I passionately hate the music you love. You're a great threadmate though, and I'm relieved MM was in a terrible accident. If you know what I mean...😉