I can't do this anymore

[thatsamenightagain]

I know it's coming to an end.
Been tougher a long time . Our main issue is he still wants to have sex every single night without fail - even if he is in severe pain. I can't do it. I'm not even 40 yet but I just can't do it every single night. The more he demands it the less I want to do it. And so on. My sex drive is at an all time low. It's pretty non existent and it's little surprise.
When I say no he gets cold, distant, sulks, will usually go to another room to sleep there and then text me cruel and awful messages from there such as I'll find another woman, why am I such a mug, etc etc . And this is only after we've done it two days ago. God forbid there is a larger gap than one night. He acts and feels like the world is coming to an end. Feels unloved, unwanted, feels rejected and hurt etc etc.
We have built an entire life together with our three dc but I just cannot cope with this outrageous need for sex every single bastard night. It's driving me potty.

Feeling extremely low and know the answers but just wanted to put it out there. I was falling asleep and exhausted after a day spent with family , got in for 11, in bed for half 1 and now I am laying here in tears, he's gone to another room yet again, and I'm laying here thinking how long will I keep putting up with this

You don’t fancy him. The end.

I'm in totally the same situation....
it's dragging me down so badly....

This is sexual and emotional abuse. I hope you find the strength to leave x

This is absolutely horrific. Tell him to never touch you again and get yourself to a solicitor immediately. This man is vile and he is abusing you. You must get away from him.

Oh do fuck off. You can fancy someone and still be too exhausted to shag them every single night

Can I be honest ?

I don't have the strength to leave. And he knows it.

I think OP means he texts her saying he will find another woman for sex.

Why don’t you have the strength to leave? Is it because you have no support, mental health issues, issues caused by the relationship meaning you feel like you have to stay, the kids?

As harsh as this sounds your only two options here are leave or put up with it. He won’t change. Common sense should tell you if someone doesn’t feel like sex with you on night sending them cruel and abusive messages along with (what sounds like) threats to cheat, will not turn them on so much they jump your bones the next day. So he’s some combination of very thick and very abusive.

Can you speak to anyone in real life who can help? Can you contact womens aid? Do the freedom program?

You don’t have to answer my questions by the way, they’re just things to think about and if/when you feel ready, you can answer any of them you want to and I’m sure some people here will have advice that can help you.

Lastly, I’m really sorry you’re going through this, there’s nothing I can say that will make it better, but if there was, I would.

@Thirdgrade ah I read it wrong. So he texts you after you don’t want sex with him saying he will find another woman. Jesus wept. Let him then.

A couple of weeks ago we had a similar kind of issue and we were on a walk and he asked if we could talk, and I said yes, he went on to say how unhappy he was in the marriage because of a lack of sex. I was so shocked because we have sex at least 2/3 times a week if not more, which I think is pretty good going for a long term relationship with youngish dc.

We've talked about ending it and selling the house and in the moment of anger he'll always say yes let's sell up and go our separate ways but when we wake up in the morning he's back to his normal self and no more is said about it. It's really fucking with my head now maybe because I'm rejecting him more and so we are falling out a lot more over it. He's also told me in that conversation that he fancies me so much he can't think straight when I'm around him and the way I dress turns him on even more, he's also told me (when he's not angry) that he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me so I know when he is saying I'll find another woman, it's just to hurt me. Which is actually worse, I think. He says its love but how can it be. It doesn't feel like love. It certainly doesn't feel like I'm being loved.

He see you as a service appliance. If you are willing to accept that then continue as you are.

@Thirdgrade no support, financially dependent on him, kids, cultural stigma, massive upheaval of what is a very nice life for the dc. When I weigh it up I end up staying. But it's wearing me down and making me so unhappy. Pros: I like him as a person otherwise , we get on and have a laugh and enjoy each other's company. I enjoy sex with him too when I want to do it, he is attentive and wants me to enjoy it - it's just the frequency of it which I can't cope with anymore and we always end up firing these horrible messages back and forth to each other (so as not to wake the dc with a row). Pathetic I know.

Call him on it. Remind him coercive abuse is a crime and let him sulk.

Develop a connection with women's aid, not because you want to leave him right now but because you need their support and to be surrounded by others going through the same thing or who have gone through it. They can help you become financially independent even if that's just benefits. Once you see you have other options you'll be more ready to leave. They don't pressure you or judge you for staying. Right now you're too isolated, so find yourself some people and get less isolated, by getting involved with women's aid. This is no way to live and you know it. When you reach snapping point it'll be easier on you if you're prepared and have a plan.

He's also told me in that conversation that he fancies me so much he can't think straight when I'm around him and the way I dress turns him on even more

I was told this too from my sex obsessed partner. Drove me crazy.

Is he a sec addict? Maybe some therapy could help him

When I say no he gets cold, distant, sulks, will usually go to another room to sleep there and then text me cruel and awful messages from there such as I'll find another woman, why am I such a mug, etc etc

This is emotional abuse and sexual coercion OP.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/

It's so tough because you cannot be happy and healthy with this man so a LTB is all anyone can realistically tell you to do, but not something you feel willing to do right now.

I don't know how you can bear to be around someone who feels entitled to have access to your body on demand, daily, and also says such cruel things to you.

He's damaging your mental health and chipping away at your self esteem,

This man is a disgrace.

I really hope you can find the strength to leave him asap

Is it any wonder you feel the way you do. Persisting for sex and then sending nasty texts and threats to leave when you don't want it.

Please, get out of this sham of a relationship and go live your life, for you, on your terms.

You are only putting off the inevitable and wasting your precious life by remaining. You can do this.

Find the strength

Don't havr sex with him. Say you don't want to

I couldn't do it that frequently either. Its too much

It’s a journey and a process
i didn’t think I had the strength to leave
i would sometimes cry after sex or even during (he didn’t notice)
I did it to keep the peace as he would get sulky without.

it’s been a long time coming but I had the talk with him about a week ago. It was awful. Maybe in your case it wouldn’t be such a shock to him as you have already had chats and both acknowledged things are good.

keep thinking about it. Write things down (I have a password protected note on my phone). I can’t explain why but somehow something in me just clicked and I realised I did have a choice. My happiness did matter too. It also became clear to me it was not a good environment for the Dc and they’d started making comments.

i know it’s scary but allow yourself to start thinking about it.

maybe find a counsellor for you to talk to to help you explore what you really want.

*acknknowledged things are NOT good

Even if you fancied him it would be too much, what if you are tired, ill, depressed? Then the sulking, the nasty messages, the going off to sleep in another room.
this is out and out abuse, I do not know how you stuck it so long. You know you need to get a divorce.
You can start by saying no to sex and go on from there. Let him sulk. No one treats anyone they love like this.
Find the strength you are going to need it.

This isn’t love.

My ex was just like this. Hence the “ex”.

I did not want to spend my life bullied over sex.

I am now remarried - been together 12 years and I’m 42. I have chronic multiple disabilities and I am in early menopause. I have hardly any interest in sex at the moment and I won’t have sex that I don’t want. Dh is very understanding - no pressure whatsoever- and we haven’t had sex in a couple of months now. I’m just not interested and that’s that. I genuinely feel - probably because of how things were with my ex - that I would rather be on my own than have sex I don’t want. I think dh knows that. Maybe you really need to spell it out to your dh that’s how you feel? At the moment he knows you won’t leave and he’s using that to bully you.

It is very abusive behaviour.

It has been 10 years since I left a similar man. I still go to bed every night relieved and happy that I don't have to put up with the constant demand for sex. It is bliss. OP, you can be free too, you really can.