I can't do this anymore

[thatsamenightagain]

I know it's coming to an end.
Been tougher a long time . Our main issue is he still wants to have sex every single night without fail - even if he is in severe pain. I can't do it. I'm not even 40 yet but I just can't do it every single night. The more he demands it the less I want to do it. And so on. My sex drive is at an all time low. It's pretty non existent and it's little surprise.
When I say no he gets cold, distant, sulks, will usually go to another room to sleep there and then text me cruel and awful messages from there such as I'll find another woman, why am I such a mug, etc etc . And this is only after we've done it two days ago. God forbid there is a larger gap than one night. He acts and feels like the world is coming to an end. Feels unloved, unwanted, feels rejected and hurt etc etc.
We have built an entire life together with our three dc but I just cannot cope with this outrageous need for sex every single bastard night. It's driving me potty.

Feeling extremely low and know the answers but just wanted to put it out there. I was falling asleep and exhausted after a day spent with family , got in for 11, in bed for half 1 and now I am laying here in tears, he's gone to another room yet again, and I'm laying here thinking how long will I keep putting up with this

Of course it's abusive, I know that and acknowledge it, I wouldn't feel this way if it wasn't.

I'm going to become financially independent as a first big step. I will then take it from there. I know that will give me the strength I need.

Thinking back, it wasn't always a major issue as my sex drive was a lot higher. I'm also worrying about peri menopause being a possible factor.

I think what's stuck in my head after last night is something he says a lot and that is 'I do so much for you'. In other words, he does so much for me and he expects me to repay him in sex, because that is the only currency I have?

This is what is bothering me the most. Words hold so much meaning, so much insight into behaviour.

When did it come to this , how and when has he started to think like this ? Because he hasn't always thought like this - or has he and I've been too close to see it.

If you really can't or won't leave (you should)

You need to stop having sex with him and stop engaging in any text arguments. Dont give him any attention when you say no.

Tell him exactly how he is making you feel and that if he doesn't get help for his abuse of you then you will leave.

And mean it.

Oh OP I'm sorry, that sounds grim.

If this seems like a new attitude in him... Do you think he might be influenced by poorly chosen internet sites?

Just wondering why he can't just have a wank?!

There's something really weird going on here, like a bloke whose self-esteem is all wrapped up in polishing his Porsche.

It's very focused on what you represent in his life in terms of services rendered and exchanged. Very distorted way of looking at a relationship.

Does he see you as some kind of trophy wife and worry that you're out of his league without the constant reassurance of "being allowed in"?!

Yes possibly self esteem issues . Possibly an element of trophy wife. Sadly.

Possibly am out of his league but I fell for the guy he was and liked his personality and his quirks. I don't think he understands that though , maybe because he doesn't love the same way. Either way, it's not working.

I'd normally wade in with a LTB, because what you're experiencing is certainly wrong. I just hesitate because of this:

Pros: I like him as a person otherwise , we get on and have a laugh and enjoy each other's company. I enjoy sex with him too when I want to do it, he is attentive and wants me to enjoy it.

Have you told him that his behaviour could be described as abusive / coercive control? Could a few well-chosen internet links give him a wake-up call to go and see someone about his deep-seated insecurities instead of turning to you to fix him?

Of course if you've had enough, that's good enough reason to leave him right away. But since you said you don't have the energy...

@Alcemeg that last bit made me smile.

He probably doesn't realise it's abusive or coercive, no. I think I definitely do need to spell this out to him but when we're having a calm conversation.

And I definitely don't have the energy ! However I do also need to address this as its only going to get worse as I approach peri menopause /menopause.

He is very tactile, always wanting to hug, cuddle etc even when we're not having sex, and me 'turning around' and 'getting in my corner' as he puts it , is sometimes interpreted as coldness or rejection, by him. It can be a little overwhelming, especially when you've been dealing with three kids all day and just want to decompress. I like a hug and a cuddle but not excessively so! It's almost as though the cuddling side of things has switched over the years from me to him, without any intention of course on either side.

This sounds awful. I'd hate to have to have sex every night and made to feel bad if I didn't. I have a lovely partner but I certainly do not want to do it that often. You deserve better.

Does it not concern you that your oh literally only sees you in terms of how you can service his needs?

I doubt he even actually views you as your own person

I think it's a bit more than just servicing his needs. I'm in the relationship not you and just because I've providing one snapshot of insight into an issue we are having doesn't mean that is all there is this to this relationship.

Ok

Why ask for advice if you dont want it?

And yeah obviously we can only comment on the snapshot you've given us.

Which is that he wants daily sex with you, doesn't care if you actually want sex or not, gets abusive if you don't give him what he wants, views you as a trophy wife due to his insecurity and moans if you dont give him as much attention and cuddles as he wants.

Even if your relationship was literally perfect in every other way, all that should be enough to end it.

Oh and of course thinks you should pay him in sex cause you have nothing else to offer

Go to a sex therapist together, tell him its to help you, but really it will be about him and his addiction.
Personally I would rather leave than put up with a rapey childish entitled misogynist sex pest. But to each their own.

He is not treating you with respect. So in this aspect of your life, you are just a sex appliance. Maybe you should give that telling off to him instead of the posters here who are trying to help.

Who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it?! Disgusting and totally rapey.

Wow, so much anger. Take your anger and projecting elsewhere please, I'm looking for genuine advice on a sensitive topic , not a pile on of 'your just a sex appliance'. I think I know where I stand already. I don't need every single poster reiterating the same thing

you should be angry

Not asking for advice and then going lala lala sticking your fingers in your ears when you're hearing what you dont want to hear.

He won't magically change because you ask him nicely.

I am angry @Topgub . I just don't know how to deal with it.

The irony is it’s you who is angry and projecting.

You do not have to give into his demands anymore, nor feel guilty about it, look at what it’s doing to you. Are you angry around your children?

Do you think he ever feels guilty about what he’s doing to you?

It's hard to know what's going on for him, but I can't help thinking it sounds like a kind of mechanical habit for him that's as joyless as it is for you. You mention him doing it even when he's in pain! does he have OCD tendencies, I mean could this be some kind of ritual that makes him feel life is running on track? Is he under work pressures or something that could aggravate this kind of neurotic behaviour?

You can have mine, we never have sex. He doesn’t even like me touching him at all. Flinches at any contact!

@Alcemeg yes he has ocd tendencies. He definitely has a kind of compulsive personality as well, whatever he does, he sort of gets obsessed with. I know this about him already but didn't relate it to sex but now that does make sense.
Doesn't make it any better, but definitely makes sense.

@Phrenologistsfinger ah no, sorry to hear that. I don't think I'd want someone completely off it either , just a nice balanced approach would be perfect !

I'm just guessing wildly OP, but it may be that the more you push him away the more his compulsion takes over. That's the trouble with neurotic behaviour like this. What a nightmare!

You need to try and work out what sex with you represents to him. You mention that you don't feel particularly loved, and I'm not surprised, because the sex sounds like an empty ritual that serves a purpose he might not even be conscious of. And it never really achieves what he wants from it, so he keeps having to repeat it and repeat it and repeat it. And probably the more he does that, the more disengaged you become.

Your opening words on this thread were that you know things are coming to an end. He might be picking up on that. You also say he knows you don't have the energy to leave him. This sounds like an awful lot of conversations you're not having and elephants in the room!

It would be amazing if you could find something else you could do together, or a range of things you could do together, that actually create real intimacy, not the fake intimacy of "let's rub our bodies together and pretend everything's fine."