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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't do this anymore

145 replies

thatsamenightagain · 04/09/2022 02:26

I know it's coming to an end.
Been tougher a long time . Our main issue is he still wants to have sex every single night without fail - even if he is in severe pain. I can't do it. I'm not even 40 yet but I just can't do it every single night. The more he demands it the less I want to do it. And so on. My sex drive is at an all time low. It's pretty non existent and it's little surprise.
When I say no he gets cold, distant, sulks, will usually go to another room to sleep there and then text me cruel and awful messages from there such as I'll find another woman, why am I such a mug, etc etc . And this is only after we've done it two days ago. God forbid there is a larger gap than one night. He acts and feels like the world is coming to an end. Feels unloved, unwanted, feels rejected and hurt etc etc.
We have built an entire life together with our three dc but I just cannot cope with this outrageous need for sex every single bastard night. It's driving me potty.

Feeling extremely low and know the answers but just wanted to put it out there. I was falling asleep and exhausted after a day spent with family , got in for 11, in bed for half 1 and now I am laying here in tears, he's gone to another room yet again, and I'm laying here thinking how long will I keep putting up with this

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 05/09/2022 11:51

Fuuuuuuuuck 🤦‍♀️ I am so sorry!

It goes without saying that you must keep the messages.

I'd agree with PPs that this sounds potentially dangerous, and in your situation my first priority would be to ensure my own safety. Please follow guidelines on domestic abuse and take advice IRL from the experts.

PurpleWisteria · 05/09/2022 11:53

I think you need to talk to the police. His behaviour is escalating and must be very frightening.

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 11:55

I don't know if the police would take this seriously and does he not have a right to live here as well? Oh God I feel so messed up in my head right now.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 05/09/2022 11:58

Your right not to be abused eclipses his right to stay in the house. Please talk to the police or Women's aid.

PetalParty · 05/09/2022 12:13

thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 11:29

@PetalParty an occupation order for how long?

I don't know if I could do that to him if I'm very honest. He would be left with no home, I feel that is cruel. We've both put so much effort into building this home together. I probably sound pathetic but that's the truth of how I feel.

The sexual harassment is cruelty. Do you think he questions himself whether he should be doing that to you?

You might also find that the gloves completely come off for him once he hears mention of a divorce, the sexual harassment might seem like a cake walk if he tries to control in you in that situation as well.

Do not mention separation to him until you know exactly what’s what and you’ve spoken to a solicitor. People can become unpredictable at the point of a split / if they feel rejected. I have learned this to my cost, and I thought my partner would never do that. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition as they say!

BattenburgSlice · 06/09/2022 00:03

With these men, the abuse will ramp up when you take back any sort of control, whether it’s social, family, financial, sexual etc. This is where they will push back and threaten you, and the more you bend to it the more they will push.
Op, this man has shown you who he is and you need to get away from him.
The good thing is you appear to have a former good career that you can go back to .

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 07:35

thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 11:44

Hello @Alcemeg . The situation has escalated since last night. He's been sending me extremely abusive text messages and again this morning, calling me nothing but whore and slag. He was and is the only man I have ever slept with or considered sleeping with and he knows it.

Absolutely horrible, he is a horrible man. Definitely time to make plans that don’t include this bastard.

Xpologog · 06/09/2022 07:53

MyBabyLaura · 04/09/2022 04:30

Develop a connection with women's aid, not because you want to leave him right now but because you need their support and to be surrounded by others going through the same thing or who have gone through it. They can help you become financially independent even if that's just benefits. Once you see you have other options you'll be more ready to leave. They don't pressure you or judge you for staying. Right now you're too isolated, so find yourself some people and get less isolated, by getting involved with women's aid. This is no way to live and you know it. When you reach snapping point it'll be easier on you if you're prepared and have a plan.

^ This.
Plus he is using sex to control you.
Start talking with Women’s Aid. You’ll start to see his behaviour for what it is, not what he says it is.

Bluemoon22 · 06/09/2022 09:05

I have just left my abusive partner who was like this. He is currently bailed for coercive control, sexual abuse which they are trying to get as rape. Do not put up with this behaviour

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 09:29

Bluemoon22 · 06/09/2022 09:05

I have just left my abusive partner who was like this. He is currently bailed for coercive control, sexual abuse which they are trying to get as rape. Do not put up with this behaviour

Good for you for leaving, I did not even realise I was being abused when I was in a relationship like that until years later. It is coercive and it is sexual abuse.

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 14:07

I'm here, reading all the messages and processing everything.

Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to reply and shared their own experiences. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 14:08

Today he has been going on about my family, how much I see them , how I only care about them and not about him, etc etc.

I'm seeing the control soooo much clearer now. He was very very good at making himself look like a chilled and easy going guy, and in the eyes of my family too.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 14:10

Apparently it's always been about my family and never about his, I hardly see them etc etc.

When it's always been me who has made him front and centre of my plans with family, I've never ever socialised with my family without this cunt and he knows that.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 14:13

He's saying he'll put the house up for sale and we can get a divorce, then he will see how much these people that I care about will do for me and be there for me.

Sooo toxic.

OP posts:
BattenburgSlice · 06/09/2022 14:35

When I left my abusive ex I did go to my parents and lived with them for a few months whilst I looked for somewhere to rent. Is this an option for you op?
Have you heard of the book ‘why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft? Please read it op.

Watchthesunrise · 06/09/2022 14:56

He's very insecure, isn't he.
Good luck op. Tell someone in real life what's going on. Women's Aid.

IrishladyNE · 06/09/2022 14:57

thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 14:10

Apparently it's always been about my family and never about his, I hardly see them etc etc.

When it's always been me who has made him front and centre of my plans with family, I've never ever socialised with my family without this cunt and he knows that.

This is called gaslighting and rewriting history, it pretty common with abusive men. You know that you have put them front and centre but they make you doubt your reality. Its all bullshit.

Alcemeg · 06/09/2022 15:34

I'm so sorry I didn't pick up sooner on how much he has isolated and abused you. When you get safely out of this (and you will!), you'll look back and find it hard to believe that this was once your life.

Happier days ahead, OP, hang in there Flowers

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 16:08

@Alcemeg no don't be sorry, you helped me a lot x he hasn't isolated me because I do see my family a lot, what I meant in my previous post was about him saying that I never want to see his family, and only want to see my own. It's just extreme levels of jealousy and comparing to how much he sees his and even how much I interact with his compared to my own.

Definitely gaslighting. 1 million per cent.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 16:09

@BattenburgSlice no sadly I can't, both my parents have passed away 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 16:12

So he's invited the local estate agent for a 'market appraisal' of our house - he knows I have access to his email so he knows I'll have seen the email. He's then come home and asked to have a chat in private . Let's keep it civil for the kids , he said, until the house sells. Brilliant, I said. The estate agents are coming on Monday to take pictures and the house can be on the market in the next 24 hours (bullshit). Brilliant, said. Anything else? No not really he said. Can we keep it civil for the kids. Of course I said. That's what I want.

I know that it's all a load utter bullshit. He thinks he's scaring me into a panic that everything is ending so I can go kiss his arse and then he's got full control of the situation and me. Not happening.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 06/09/2022 16:15

What are you doing when he sends these messages to you?

I would remove sex off the table completely, and don’t engage with any of the abusive messages/conversations.

Get back into work ASAP and contact women’s aid. I think this guy sounds unhinged, and I’m concerned for your welfare.

It doesn’t matter what “he says” you need to go complete grey rock, physically and emotionally while you figure out how to get out of there quickly and safely.

Call women’s aid

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/09/2022 16:17

He thinks he's scaring me into a panic that everything is ending so I can go kiss his arse and then he's got full control of the situation and me. Not happening

Too right…the time for you appeasing that prick is over

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 06/09/2022 16:17

P.s I've read the book @BattenburgSlice . I'm not unfamiliar with all the terms that describe such cunts. It's just a matter of untangling myself from this whole mess that's just so fucking hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically - every way possible. Contrary to what he says, (and he knows this), I'm actually not that close to my siblings - it's not that kind of relationship that I can lean on them for support. And none of them are local either which makes it harder in practical terms with the kids etc. I do have friends though.

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 06/09/2022 16:17

Well done op, you're seeing him for who he is now, and through his bullshi6z keep yourself safe, abusers are at their worst when losing control