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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't do this anymore

145 replies

thatsamenightagain · 04/09/2022 02:26

I know it's coming to an end.
Been tougher a long time . Our main issue is he still wants to have sex every single night without fail - even if he is in severe pain. I can't do it. I'm not even 40 yet but I just can't do it every single night. The more he demands it the less I want to do it. And so on. My sex drive is at an all time low. It's pretty non existent and it's little surprise.
When I say no he gets cold, distant, sulks, will usually go to another room to sleep there and then text me cruel and awful messages from there such as I'll find another woman, why am I such a mug, etc etc . And this is only after we've done it two days ago. God forbid there is a larger gap than one night. He acts and feels like the world is coming to an end. Feels unloved, unwanted, feels rejected and hurt etc etc.
We have built an entire life together with our three dc but I just cannot cope with this outrageous need for sex every single bastard night. It's driving me potty.

Feeling extremely low and know the answers but just wanted to put it out there. I was falling asleep and exhausted after a day spent with family , got in for 11, in bed for half 1 and now I am laying here in tears, he's gone to another room yet again, and I'm laying here thinking how long will I keep putting up with this

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 01:45

@pinheadlarry yeah I agree. I feel anxious

OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 05/09/2022 04:08

Someone who feels this entitled to your body, can also be dangerous.
Proceed as someone who is leaving an abusive man.

(My sex-pest EX raped me when I was ready to leave. As if trying to have "the last say" over my body )

newbiename · 05/09/2022 05:26

Ndd135632 · 04/09/2022 02:30

You don’t fancy him. The end.

Rubbish - she doesn't want to have sex every night.

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 06:08

He is unwell. He has a sex addiction he needs to deal with. A doctors appointment would be a good start.

You are being abused in the meantime. Really abused. No one should be forced into sex. You are exhausted because he is draining every drop of energy out of you. You poor thing. No wonder you can't leave, he is stripping you of your mental and physical capacity to do so.

It is rape if you don't want to, and he forces and it is blackmail if he threatens you with other women.

Please get him to the doctor, he should have gone years ago. And you need to call womensaid for support, tell people in real life. Your children's perfect life will be an horrendous discovery one day when they find out what kind of man he is (and they will) if they don't know already. A perfect life means having a mother that isn't being abused op.

JulesCobb · 05/09/2022 06:12

Take care op. He is a controlling man who has realised he is losing that grip he has over you. His anger today could be violence next week. Get some real life advice.

JulesCobb · 05/09/2022 06:14

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 06:08

He is unwell. He has a sex addiction he needs to deal with. A doctors appointment would be a good start.

You are being abused in the meantime. Really abused. No one should be forced into sex. You are exhausted because he is draining every drop of energy out of you. You poor thing. No wonder you can't leave, he is stripping you of your mental and physical capacity to do so.

It is rape if you don't want to, and he forces and it is blackmail if he threatens you with other women.

Please get him to the doctor, he should have gone years ago. And you need to call womensaid for support, tell people in real life. Your children's perfect life will be an horrendous discovery one day when they find out what kind of man he is (and they will) if they don't know already. A perfect life means having a mother that isn't being abused op.

Fuck that. He can get himself to the doctor. Op only needs to get herself and her children somewhere safe.

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 06:41

@Festoonlights he's not unwell, he chooses to behave the way he does. It's a choice. A self absorbed, entitled, selfish choice.

OP posts:
IrishladyNE · 05/09/2022 06:42

I was in a relationship like this. I would end up in the spare room. He went away one time and I was trying to watch something on his PC and opened up a file. He had a collection of naked women that he’d been collecting from a dating site. Sex addicts are awful to live. No amount is enough.

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 09:57

dc have gone back to school this morning.

I have decided that my first step will be to look for work. I am a professional in a certain field which I have studied hard for years to complete.. and then never went back to.

I need to gather my strength and build myself up for this split.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 05/09/2022 10:07

Well done! That’s a fantastic first step. Even just an initial perusal of Guardianjobs (or the relevant site for your profession) to see what’s out there.

I also think that you should take this opportunity to move into the spare room. Several people have suggested it and you’ve ignored them, so it’s clearly not something you want to do, but today is a day of first steps.

You can do this.

PetalParty · 05/09/2022 10:07

If your aim is divorce, it might be in your better interests financially if you are not working when that happens. It will be a better reflection of what’s really happened if you’d quit your career to become a stay at home parent. It’s only fair you should be compensated for that.

PetalParty · 05/09/2022 10:09

Rather than penalised for returning to your career. I would consult with a solicitor before making any solid decisions so you’re aware of all the options and pitfalls. You will be able to act with more confidence. You might even be surprised at what you might be entitled to…

LindaEllen · 05/09/2022 10:19

thatsamenightagain · 04/09/2022 02:32

Oh do fuck off. You can fancy someone and still be too exhausted to shag them every single night

Incredibly rude.

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 10:19

@Cherchezlaspice There is no spare room, it's just a box room really . When he huffs off he either sleeps on the floor there or sleeps on the sofa. He's been sleeping on the sofa for the past two nights.

@PetalParty that complicates things.. It's already kind of messy tbh and I don't want to go into it as it's very outing but I doubt I'll get anything anyway. I'm well and truly stuffed when it comes to assets.

OP posts:
PetalParty · 05/09/2022 10:27

I’m assuming his parents own the house or all assets are in the names of his family or something… some people who are serious about ring fencing their assets do this, or maybe even cultural habits… all the more reason to claw some financial security out of this situation for yourself and your children.

Usually the honey trap is the financial security and privileged life, but if that’s not even something that was designed for you to co own and benefit from… and he is such a sexually abusive dick, no wonder you’ve had enough!

Did you know about the assets situation when you were going into the marriagel?

mscampbelle · 05/09/2022 10:29

You don't need a job, you need therapy and support to leave him.

The job can come later, (I'm amazed I'm saying that) but you have much bigger problems to resolve than finances.

pinkyredrose · 05/09/2022 10:30

Do you want to stay with him? If you asked him to leave would he?

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 10:47

He wouldn't leave, no.

No it's not what you're thinking @PetalParty house is joint names.. but other assets are not. we would definitely need to sell up and it would be difficult to rebuy in the same city. The dc are in brilliant schools, and very settled and happy.

He's transferred my savings to me yesterday because he said he didn't want to hold on to my money in case I feel like he's intentionally holding on to it.

We've always had trust in terms of money etc but I think he would draw the line at some point in the future and I wouldn't get much more than the house. He's always said he would provide for the dc whatever happened and I do believe he would.
I guess what a pp said about getting a job not being a priority was right - I was doing it more for gaining strength. I don't really know what I'm doing if I'm honest.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 05/09/2022 11:00

If he no longer has visibility of those savings he sent back to you, I would use some to get an appointment with a solicitor asap so that you know where you stand - you need to leave him either way but knowing you'll be financially ok may give you the confidence to do it sooner rather than later Flowers

PetalParty · 05/09/2022 11:14

What a relief that you believe it may be possible to keep the house, then the children can remain in their wonderful schools. Speak to Women’s aid, the sexual coercion might warrant an occupation order that allows you to remain in the home but he would need to leave.

What triggered the giving of your savings back to you? It really does sound like he knows big changes are afoot and he’s trying to sweeten you up. Might be a good time to pursue other things important to you from him whilst he’s currently in this mood.

LemonDrop22 · 05/09/2022 11:18

LindaEllen · 05/09/2022 10:19

Incredibly rude.

Show quote history

No, it wasn't.

It was exactly on point.

That was an incredibly stupid, off post.

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 11:29

@PetalParty an occupation order for how long?

I don't know if I could do that to him if I'm very honest. He would be left with no home, I feel that is cruel. We've both put so much effort into building this home together. I probably sound pathetic but that's the truth of how I feel.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 05/09/2022 11:39

OP, so sorry to read of your situation. I was trying to get my head round it last night and wasn't clear on whether you were keen to salvage the relationship and whether this was "just a phase" from DH (albeit an intolerable one!).

Finding the energy to leave means leaving now, since the situation drains you completely. Plus you need to protect yourself from this monstrous behaviour. Can you get a short-term rental somewhere, just while you work out what happens next?

Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 11:44

Hello @Alcemeg . The situation has escalated since last night. He's been sending me extremely abusive text messages and again this morning, calling me nothing but whore and slag. He was and is the only man I have ever slept with or considered sleeping with and he knows it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsamenightagain · 05/09/2022 11:48

I think he's trying to get me to leave the house.

OP posts:
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