I can't do this anymore

[thatsamenightagain]

I know it's coming to an end.
Been tougher a long time . Our main issue is he still wants to have sex every single night without fail - even if he is in severe pain. I can't do it. I'm not even 40 yet but I just can't do it every single night. The more he demands it the less I want to do it. And so on. My sex drive is at an all time low. It's pretty non existent and it's little surprise.
When I say no he gets cold, distant, sulks, will usually go to another room to sleep there and then text me cruel and awful messages from there such as I'll find another woman, why am I such a mug, etc etc . And this is only after we've done it two days ago. God forbid there is a larger gap than one night. He acts and feels like the world is coming to an end. Feels unloved, unwanted, feels rejected and hurt etc etc.
We have built an entire life together with our three dc but I just cannot cope with this outrageous need for sex every single bastard night. It's driving me potty.

Feeling extremely low and know the answers but just wanted to put it out there. I was falling asleep and exhausted after a day spent with family , got in for 11, in bed for half 1 and now I am laying here in tears, he's gone to another room yet again, and I'm laying here thinking how long will I keep putting up with this

Well... now that you mention that.

We've had a bit of a difficult patch and he has now convinced himself that I've fallen out of love with him, and he is in a 'loveless' marriage. Which doesn't make sense really from the outside - why would someone want to have sex with someone who doesn't love them ? (Or is that me being naive?). But what you're saying about neurotic behaviour makes it all make sense. It's almost like hysterical bonding, (without the affair factor of course) . He senses that he is losing me, and he thinks the best way to 'win' me back is with sex because to him that is the ultimate form of intimacy.

Yes, it does sound a bit like that to me. Not that I have any clue, but if any of this resonates with you then maybe we are onto something...!

So I suppose the question is, did you feel things were approaching an end anyway? Have you been losing interest in him, and this crazy sex thing is just the final nail in the coffin?

Or did he just suddenly get this bee in his bonnet for no particular reason, and then started going about things completely arse over tit with this crazy sex thing, and if it hadn't been for that you'd have been fairly happy?

When I say no he gets cold, distant, sulks, will usually go to another room to sleep there and then text me cruel and awful messages from there such as I'll find another woman, why am I such a mug, etc etc .

This is way past behaving 'arse over tit'.

It's emotionally abuse and sexually coercive.

Why are people psychoanaylising and attempting to justify the abuse?

The op already has their fingers in her ears. The last thing she needs is someone convincing her its actually OK cause he might have ocd

Fuck that

I agree. It's really unsettling that people are encouraging her to essentially support him when he's the one sexually coercing and emotionally abusing her.

I think there is an element of hysterical bonding going on here OP. In your responses you sound a confident if slightly prickly lady and I suspect it's because he senses you pulling away - and hence his neediness has gone into overdrive. I became a bit 'cool' towards my H several years ago after finding about an old emotional affair - his neediness went into total overdrive, constantly wanting to touch me etc and it got very wearing. I think you are going to have to have this out- even if it ends in a break , you need to say that you are finding his expectations a total turn off and it's causing you to question your relationship .

Agree. I fancy the pants of my partner but I haven’t the sex drive or the energy to have sex every night . As much as he wants to like .

you need to tell your fella to ‘BACK THE EFF OFF’ he’s smothering you and acting like a child sulking. If he threatens to leave you or cheat then let him, if he’s that desperate to have sex every night and doesn’t care who it’s with crack on then. You should beat him to it and say ‘you might as well go straight in the spare room’

your not a hooker , your not enclined or even have to have sex with this person. That’s a bloody bonus . He needs to show you more respect

This. You have a spare room, so move into it.

I’m sorry op, life with a cloying sex pest like him sounds intolerable.

Sex must be a mutual thing that both want. Nothing more of a turn off than knowing if you don’t ‘put out’ he is going to be moody or angry.

talking to him doesn’t help because he isn’t interested in what you think and he doesn’t respect your wishes and what’s going on with you. Talking is just him trying to bulldoze his wishes on to you. And that isn’t love.

@Crikeyalmighty I agree it is abit of hysterical bonding.

Fwiw, im not going to 'emotionally support' him through anything. Like I said, I've had enough and am trying to figure out what to do next.

@Topgub I think you're overinvested. Step away from my thread please.

@thatsamenightagain

Lol.

I'm not over invested or angry.

You also can't tell people not to post because you don't want to hear the truth

@Topgub is giving you good advice. Why are you so reluctant to engage with it?

You can analyse his behaviour to death, but the impact will remain the same. As will the fact that if you want this situation to change, you’ll need to take action that you will find unpleasant.

@thatsamenightagain totally agree- I certainly didn't support my Hs 'needy' behaviour - I didn't need to find out the'whys' - I knew them already.

I don't think it's ok because he has ocd because he doesn't have ocd. 🙄 calm down. I said he has ocd tendencies in response to a question a pp asked, and it just made sense. It's not justifying anything, but I need to understand what is happening and why it's happening before I can deal with it.

@Alcemeg I think he has sensed somehow that I am losing interest in him and perhaps it's a little bit true. Prior to that I became very interested in fitness, going to the gym, started seeing friends more , started seeing family more just because I was a happier person and my confidence has grown. I guess my dress sense has changed quite significantly as has my overall look, I lost some weight, regularly get my hair done. Maybe it made him feel insecure, because he also now goes to the gym regularly and he's recently bought himself some nice skincare!!! I mean he's always been into looking after himself but he seems to be trying a little bit harder lately!

but I need to understand what is happening and why it's happening before I can deal with it

No, you do not. As, regardless of why it’s happening, the impact is the same. You don’t want to accept that, because you don’t want to leave.

You posted a thread titled ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and when people have gone ‘indeed, don’t do it anymore’ you’ve gone for passive aggressive emoji, telling people to calm down, claiming they’re over invested and just generally being petulant.

Best of luck with it all, then.

Yes you're right. I am being petulant. When someone posts 'fuck that' and gets generally nasty about my response to another poster, I tend to get a little petulant. Thanks for your input, though.

Also, leaving isn't as easy as everyone saying ok we'll leave then and me saying all righty then let me just grab my rucksack and off I go. I have three dc. Leaving starts in the mind, it is a process, so please don't try to make me feel bad for not instantly taking everyone's advice and running out the door. I can also use any emoji I please, are you emoji police ?

I've not for one second denied there is an issue and a serious one and hence why I keep coming back to this thread. I value constructive advice but not a pile on of demeaning statements like 'you're a sex appliance' and then everyone parroting the same thing for the next page or so because like you said, it will absolutely not change anything. It just makes me feel more shit about the whole situation and that's what I don't want.

There was no nastiness whatsoever. She said ‘fuck that’ to psychoanalysing your abuser. As it’s pointless. You’ve decided to fixate on that, disregard everything else that she’s said (and, indeed, anything else that anyone has said that isn’t encouraging further analysis of this man’s disgusting behaviour).

I will repeat myself. You posted a thread titled ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and when people have gone ‘indeed, don’t do it anymore’ you’ve gone for passive aggressive emoji, telling people to calm down, claiming they’re over invested and just generally being petulant.

Revoke access immediately.

Make the spare room permanent and stop having sex with him. The fact you are continuing to have sex with him after his coercion and abuse is reinforcing his idea you owe him sex.

His abusive texts about other women doesn’t sound like someone who is scared of losing you. This is about control.

@Sausagelove no, his behaviour especially today hasn't shown that he's scared of losing me. It is about power. I know that more and more now.

Nobody said it was easy. Not one person. And nobody has expressed surprise that you haven’t immediately packed up and left. That’s not what’s being said, so it’s disingenuous to pretend it is.

You can use any emoji you choose and say whatever you choose. If you are passive aggressive, you’ll be called passive aggressive. If you’re petulant, you’ll be called petulant.

You feel shit about the situation because it is
a shit situation. You are being treated like a sex appliance. You gave information and people are giving you their honest feedback. It’s repetitive, because people think the same thing.

I’ve been in a similar situation and while it didn’t stop the underlying problem which was control issues, it did stop the coercion and expectations of sex. I refused to even discuss it, it was simply not up for discussion and i would leave the room if he tried.

You do have some power here op. You don’t have to have him in your bed or agree to any sex at all while he is using it as a way to abuse you. And he’s got children and a mortgage too, he’s unlikely to want to leave either. Tell him firmly this shit stops, unless he wants sexual abuse on his divorce papers.

@Sausagelove yes the sex has stopped and I just went out to see a friend, she lives in the same street.

I've just got back and he is very angry.

In my experience, when a man says something like
" ill find another woman " it means that hes already cheating or hes seriously contemplating it, and hes already lined up his excuse which is
" im a man, i need sex, youre 'neglecting' me "