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Original poster

Son went on a huge Incel rant

134 replies

Username50201 · 03/09/2022 12:41

So my son is 24 years old and I've always know that he has never had a girlfriend but the other day he went on a huge incel rant because he cant get women. My son does have a few friends and I even ran into this girl who he works with who said that he's a lovely lad so I dont think he acts like this outside the house.

But he is VERY obsessed with his appearance, He has a birthmark scar on his forehead (which aint even really noticable) and a small pink mole on his face (again, Cant really see it) which he is insecure about. He's visited plastic surgeons and paid consultation fees, he's currently thinking of getting them removed although apparently there is some risks like it might leave him looking worse.

He's always buying clothes, skincare products, teeth whitening kits and He will be at the gym most days.

But the other day he went on a huge rant as to how ugly he is and that no woman ever matches with him on dating sites, he also tells me how all his mates and the men around him get girls while he doesnt. He's not even ugly at all, he's tall, he keeps himself athletic and very intelligant (has an IQ of around 150 apparently).

But he said to me that the only way he is ever going to get a girlfriend is if he pays for a mail order wife and the only way he can get sex is if he pays a prostitute.

He believes he is ugly because he doesnt get any matches on tinder even tho he said to me that he swipes right on most women. I then said to him that maybe he is going for girls out of his league in which he replied "Well as long as they are not fat, dont have kids but want some then I'll most likely be interested"

He also feels pressure that he has to earn more money and be more sucessful than everyone else around him or else women wont be interested in him.

Another thing is that he always talks about how every other man is better looking than him and how he doesnt stand a chance with women

OP posts:
Crocwok · 03/09/2022 12:45

He's answered his own question there. He could get a woman but he can't get one that meets his high standards. Unfortunately the Incel movement has made it appear to be womens fault that whilst men can apparently have preferences- be that lifestyle or appearance wise women are shallow, horrible and a disgrace if they do. I expect he has passed up the chance to get to know plenty of amazing women. The self pitying doesn't sound that appealing either to be honest. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do, he is seeking validation for his appearance from women he deem meet his strict criteria, and as they seem to be passing him up nothing you can say will change that. I would keep an eye though as many do go down the rabbit hole quickly and their thoughts and behaviours become very entitled and quite scary.

CrossStichQueen · 03/09/2022 12:50

It's his lack of respect for women is the problem.
Women do not owe him anything. Maybe he needs to work on his attitude rather than his looks.

HipsterCoffeeShop · 03/09/2022 12:51

He sounds like he doesn't even realise that women are people, with individual personalities and preferences.

He just wants 'a woman' to fill a void in his life, like a status symbol. What's she's like as a person doesn't even seem to matter - he swipes on everyone on Tinder.

It's a really frightening entitled attitude. I don't know what the solution is. Counselling? Therapy? Blocking YouTube and Reddit?

He needs some female friends, stat. And not just as a poor substitute for a sexual relationship - to realise that women are people too and to relate to them as individuals.

QueSyrahSyrah · 03/09/2022 12:52

God that must be difficult OP, although on face value it seems a bit like his own self-image is the problem, rather than what I understand to be the incel perception that the Men are fine as they are and it's those evil slag Women who are denying them relationships or sex.

Has he voiced how he feels about Women in general? Is there signs of anger there? That would be an enormous worry for me.

If it his more about his lack of confidence or self-image then maybe there's work that can be done, with professional help?

One last thing that would interest me; have you seen his dating profiles? Is he inadvertently putting something out there that might be putting Women off? I've seen a lot of that on OLD. Massive red flags in bios that the Man thinks is 'funny' or 'edgy'.

VanillaParkersBowl · 03/09/2022 12:58

It would do him the world of good to step away from the internet and get some real people into his life.

GeorgeorRuth · 03/09/2022 12:58

Quite frankly it sounds like there is a very good reason for him being single. He needs to take a good long look at himself and I'm not talking physical looks.
I don't know much about these 'incels' , I've only seen about it on here, but misogynistic, entitled twats will remain ( or become) single. He needs to ask himself what does he have to offer, it doesn't look like a lot if he is spouting this rubbish.

Is there a male role model who will put him straight?

Original poster
Username50201 · 03/09/2022 12:58

@Crocwok but at the same time is it "high standards" when he meets those standards himself?

Because he did say that hes into women that are not overweight, childless but want kids (which is the same as him)

OP posts:
MatterOfThyme · 03/09/2022 12:59

That doesn't necessarily come across as 'incel' to me, unless there were other things he said too? Sounds more like insecurity, and perhaps a sense of frustration and entitlement. Another PP's idea to take a look at his OLD profile may be useful- is he perhaps coming across defensive because he's paranoid about his looks, or desperate when he contacts people?

TheLoupGarou · 03/09/2022 13:03

I mean, beauty is only skin deep. Sounds like he needs less time online and more time trying to meet someone and build a relationship in real life via work, hobbies etc. I can remember as a teenager having self absorbed rants about how I would never meet anyone and all my friends had partners, blah blah. Is he quite immature?

It's quite a leap from there to prostitutes and mail order brides - surely as an intelligent person he can see the "women as chattels" thing is massively toxic and off-putting. Where do you think he's getting it from?

Original poster
Username50201 · 03/09/2022 13:07

@TheLoupGarou I told him its not about looks and his response was "Well I need to be physically attracted to a woman or else I couldnt be with her"

OP posts:
Cabsnotlint · 03/09/2022 13:08

He needs counselling so much in your post my God.

Not 1 match at all on a dating Site? He's telling fibs!

Doyoumind · 03/09/2022 13:15

Low self esteem, anger and entitlement and a misogynistic attitude means he's not attractive. Women are interested in personalty as much as looks. Tell him that's where he needs to focus.

StClare101 · 03/09/2022 13:17

Personality transplant required….

User2145738790 · 03/09/2022 13:18

MatterOfThyme · 03/09/2022 12:59

That doesn't necessarily come across as 'incel' to me, unless there were other things he said too? Sounds more like insecurity, and perhaps a sense of frustration and entitlement. Another PP's idea to take a look at his OLD profile may be useful- is he perhaps coming across defensive because he's paranoid about his looks, or desperate when he contacts people?

Yeah, he doesn't sound like an incel. But this is Mumsnet so men aren't allowed to ever be insecure without being called a woman hater.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 13:18

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Aeio · 03/09/2022 13:20

I agree. Looks, intelligence, earning potential not an issue. His hideous personality is.

User2145738790 · 03/09/2022 13:21

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Now that you mention it, there was a similar thread a few weeks ago that got deleted. 🤔

LumpyandBumps · 03/09/2022 13:25

Username50201 · 03/09/2022 12:58

@Crocwok but at the same time is it "high standards" when he meets those standards himself?

Because he did say that hes into women that are not overweight, childless but want kids (which is the same as him)

Maybe the women have different standards - like not wanting any involvement with a man who feels it acceptable to pay for sex.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 13:30

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HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 03/09/2022 13:31

If he's not bad looking, solvent and intelligent he should be able to get matches. Maybe there is something on his profile that is accidentally a turn off for many women. You could offer to take a look for him.

If he's working out a lot and getting irritated more easily could he be using steroids?

Original poster
Username50201 · 03/09/2022 13:32

@User2145738790 It sounds like he hates himself and is blaming himself more than he is blaming women although he seems to be very obsessed with his looks (which alot of incels are).

But Im a bit worried because he can eventually fall into that incel rabbit hole and when men get angry they seem to push it out on others.

About mail order brides isnt that illegal these days? Because according to him he feels like thats the only way he will get himself a woman

OP posts:
Kindofcrunchy · 03/09/2022 13:34

Username50201 · 03/09/2022 13:07

@TheLoupGarou I told him its not about looks and his response was "Well I need to be physically attracted to a woman or else I couldnt be with her"

I have a friend whose attitude to dating is very similar. Won't consider any men who aren't muscular, tattooed and "hot". She's in her mid thirties, childless, desperate for a family, and yet clings to her high standards so much so that she'd rather adopt a child on her own than deviate slightly from the ideal person in her head! She's been dumped so many times I've lost count. Tried telling her that physical attraction can be built over time, sometimes it's not fireworks at first glance - maybe tell your son that, and warn him off websites like Reddit which is just a cesspit of like minded incel types.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 13:36

OP wasn’t asking for advice, just describing her shit son.

TwoWeeksislong · 03/09/2022 13:36

Not overweight, not kids yet but would like some in the future is a reasonable and realistic list of preferences for a 24year old.
He needs to get out of his own head a bit here.
Being a 24year old with little to no experience of sex and relationships is not that unusual actually. If you don’t click with anyone at university then it gets harder afterwards to meet new people in suitable circumstances. The pandemic won’t have helped.
But this attitude he’s developing is making him his own worst enemy. Women will run a mile from a guy who starts on about mail order brides or who seems so desperate for sex that nothing else about a woman matters.
He needs to talk to friends about wanting to meet someone and how the dating app thing isn’t working. They might be able to help him tweak his profile to improve his chances on there, and they might be able to set him up on the odd blind date with or something. Does he have any friends who throw parties? He needs to go to social things where there’s more mixing of social groups. Joining a club or something can help with this sometimes. And he needs to accept that he might have to try meeting women the old fashioned way - where they get to know him a bit first and then he asks them for their number/out for a coffee date/ they snog at a party after they’ve already met a few times. He’ll get some rejections too, which can hurt but need to be quickly brushed off and not dwelt on.

Nameless2 · 03/09/2022 13:36

Have you posted about him before?

This thread seems familiar.