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Original poster

Should I throw away my son's presents from family?

146 replies

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:25

My husband and I have a young son. Recently we have received presents and cards for him from my husband's estranged family. He has not been in contact due to them accusing another family member of sexual abuse which he doesn't agree with. The family member accused has died.
The family moved away after the accused abuse and my husband hasn't been in contact since.
My husband told me to bin the presents and cards, but my dilemma is what will my son think if and when he is old enough to have contact with family? How will he react to us knowing that we threw away his cards and presents?

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 02/09/2022 19:31

I am a bit confused … your husbands family accused another family member of sexual abuse. Your husband doesn’t believe the accuser (based on what?).

Your husband had now unilaterally decided that his son should not have any sort of relationship with the rest of the family.

is that right ?

Preeeettyprettygood · 02/09/2022 19:32

First thing that got me before I can comment further,is why does your husband doesn't believe the accuser?

Preeeettyprettygood · 02/09/2022 19:33

Ignore the "does" 🙄

GrazingSheep · 02/09/2022 19:34

Donate them to a charity
Don’t bin them

pumpkinfan · 02/09/2022 19:34

I think it's your husband's decision. As for what your son will think, well as his parents you make lots of decisions on his behalf. This is just another.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 02/09/2022 19:36

Your husband is punishing a victim of abuse by cutting them out of his life and you’re worried that keeping gifts from his family to your child will make you seem disloyal???
Get. Your. Ducks. In. A. Row.
🐤🐤🐤🐤🐤

rnsaslkih · 02/09/2022 19:38

I’m not sure why your dh disbelieves the abuse allegation? Most cases of abuse are not lies. The accuser might have waited for the abuser to be dead so that there couldn’t be any denial or confrontation. An abuser is hardly going to admit it, particularly when it’s one person’s word against another with no evidence.

Anyway if you don’t want the presents, charity shop them so another kid can have them. Don’t bin them. As parents it’s your choice who your kid interacts with. But do consider the abuse allegation.

IncompleteSenten · 02/09/2022 19:38

Throwing them away is wasteful. You could donate them.

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2022 19:40

I wouldn’t do anything with them. If your husband wants to throw them away, then he can do that himself. You’re not the maid.

Original poster
Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:42

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him?

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 02/09/2022 19:43

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:42

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him?

… erm .. the truth

WeepingSomnambulist · 02/09/2022 19:43

Keep the presents. Bin the husband.

WeepingSomnambulist · 02/09/2022 19:44

Why are you even with this guy? Someone in his family was sexually abused, he doesn't believe them so has cut contact wi

WeepingSomnambulist · 02/09/2022 19:45

*with the whole family.

Your husband doesn't sound great. Just tell your son the truth. His father sided with an abuser so you cant have contact with the family who support the abused.

wouldukissafrog · 02/09/2022 19:49

We also have estranged family who send DD gifts. It's a total power play on their part MIL is a textbook narcissist - we let DD open the presents and we text a very brief Thankyou / photo, we feel this way we have done right by our DD we haven't binned gifts or lied to her . They are usually discarded after a couple of hours, family haven't seen her in 5 years they tend to buy gifts theyDD isn't really into

We open and keep the cards but don't share them with her, they have messaging in she would find confusing but they are all kept for her to read when older if she wants to

autocollantes · 02/09/2022 19:50

Well you tell DS that his father cut contact with his family because he thinks one of them is lying about sexual abuse and the rest are supporting the lie.

Until he's old enough to hear that you just say that daddy isn't in touch with them, or similar.

I'm not sure if the confusion. It's surely easier than explaining who the gifts and cards are from if you give them to DS.

The real problem you will have is explaining that a victim of (child?) sexual abuse would be lying about it and your DH is the only one to know "the truth".

Beees · 02/09/2022 19:55

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 02/09/2022 19:36

Your husband is punishing a victim of abuse by cutting them out of his life and you’re worried that keeping gifts from his family to your child will make you seem disloyal???
Get. Your. Ducks. In. A. Row.
🐤🐤🐤🐤🐤

Indeed. Honestly he sounds vile.

Let's hope he never gets to the stage where he disbelieves you over something.

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR · 02/09/2022 19:56

It's easy for us on the outside to get caught up in the fact that your DH has cut off family who has allegedly been abused. We don't know the circumstances or context behind his decision (though I seriously hope his reasoning is concrete because the alternative is awful).

IRG to your son - why would he ever find out? As he grows up toys will have been donated and cards recycled. And if there's no contact with these family members as he grows up, in what circumstances would he establish his own line of communication with them off of his own back?
But either way, as parents you have to make certain choices for your child and deal with the consequences either way.

Sittingonabench · 02/09/2022 20:00

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:42

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him?

you tell the truth. If you’re struggling with it - then you know somethings wrong.

felulageller · 02/09/2022 20:02

Huge

Red

Flags

Have you ever spoken to his family about the abuse?

ItsJustLittleOlMe · 02/09/2022 20:04

Your husband sounds like a horrible bastard. Hopefully you don't ever break up, he sounds like the type that would turn nasty.

Mfsf · 02/09/2022 20:04

your concern should be that your husband is defending a potential pedophile . Forget the toys and worry about your sons safety

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2022 20:07

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him

”I wasn’t involved - ask your dad”

Pardonyou · 02/09/2022 20:08

Give the toys to charity if you don't want them. Binning them is extremely wasteful.

CateringForThree · 02/09/2022 20:14

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2022 20:07

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him

”I wasn’t involved - ask your dad”

Or simply the truth.
that your DH decided nit be involved with family after they supported <insert name of the person> when they disclosed (historical or current?) abuse.

it’s important fir your ds to know what happened (incl your DH stance on said abuse)