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Original poster

Should I throw away my son's presents from family?

146 replies

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:25

My husband and I have a young son. Recently we have received presents and cards for him from my husband's estranged family. He has not been in contact due to them accusing another family member of sexual abuse which he doesn't agree with. The family member accused has died.
The family moved away after the accused abuse and my husband hasn't been in contact since.
My husband told me to bin the presents and cards, but my dilemma is what will my son think if and when he is old enough to have contact with family? How will he react to us knowing that we threw away his cards and presents?

OP posts:
Beees · 03/09/2022 07:24

I'm sorry if this is harsh OP but you sound like you don't care one way or another if the accusation of abuse is true or not.

That's not harsh at all in my opinion. I agree it's coming across that you're not at all interested in the victims side.

You say the person accused was an alcoholic and the family say they were violent, that's not at all unlikely in fact I'd say it was pretty common for alcoholics to also be violent. However, somehow your husband seems to be 100% positive that they know this person better than every other member of the family. He sounds in denial over the whole thing.

Herejustforthisone · 03/09/2022 07:25

You’re still massively skirting around the issue of abuse. From his father/male member of his family. Why?

RedHelenB · 03/09/2022 07:28

Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 07:02

Solomamma, as far as I know my husband wasn't abused although the abuser was an alcoholic.
Apparently the family accused this member of being violent but my husband does not believe this.
I only found out recently that his family also carry a genetic condition.

Alcoholics are often violent so not beyond the realms of belief, even if your partner didn't witness this. So the family who sent the presents are the ones that allege abuse?
In your situation I'd go with letting your dh deal with it as it's his side of the family and presumably your children have never met any of them?

Original poster
Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 07:36

Herejustforthisone · 03/09/2022 07:25

You’re still massively skirting around the issue of abuse. From his father/male member of his family. Why?

Because my husband says it's all lies and I wasn't around then. If I questioned any of this I would cause a major argument.

OP posts:
LovelyDaaling · 03/09/2022 07:40

So, the alleged victim and family members who believed the allegations are trying to build bridges.
But your husband is standing by his belief in the dead person being unjustly accused and maintaining solidarity with the deceased.

Better for dh to be a bigger person by adjusting to the new situation and let the past stay in the past, not perpetuate it. It doesn't mean he's changed his beliefs, it's not a betrayal of the dead person. It is not a climb down, it's moving on.

Your son should be allowed to know about his extended family and get to know them, even if you have to take him to visit without dh.

Beees · 03/09/2022 07:40

Because my husband says it's all lies and I wasn't around then. If I questioned any of this I would cause a major argument.

It sounds like your husband takes after this family member. Getting into an argument because you've asked a reasonable question is yet another red flag.

I suspect in years to come if the relationship ends he will paint you as a monster to his family.

Has he had therapy he sounds he hasn't processed any of what's happened and has his heed firmly in the sand.

Daisycrown · 03/09/2022 07:46

Sounds awful to ask but what age did your husband live with said accused. Is it possible he had been groomed at some point in his life and he's in denial of the accusations.

whiteroseredrose · 03/09/2022 07:55

Are people missing the fact that the husband's family moved away without him knowing and left him with the 'abuser'.

grey12 · 03/09/2022 07:57

Donate toys to a charity (your child most likely doesn't need wven more toys) but keep the cards. So your child can see them when he's older

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 07:57

Op, if your dh had a close friend who was also an alcoholic. Who did a lot to help out your husband and in years to come your son says they were abused by this friend…..would you side with friend? That’s the mindset here.

People live with serial killers and don’t know.

This shouldn’t cause and argument to want to understand why you husband didn’t believe this person and then cut off his family. If the whole family could believe it was true, what are the chances they are all wrong.

If the accused was an alcoholic and your husband lived with them, then its likely they suffered some sort of trauma. Even if that trauma was from living with an alcoholic. That’s not easy.

And I really wouldn’t be happy, that I had only found out that my kids could be at risk of a genetic condition after I had already had one.

I know this isnt the reason for the thread, though it’s parts of it. You aren’t happy with your husbands decision regarding the presents, but can’t discuss it. You can’t discuss why he didn’t believe the victim.

Are you actually happy with this man? Because this thread comes across as though you aren’t. And that you can’t raise anything with him without him getting angry. If that’s true then you need to act for your son. It appears you have a husband that will negatively impact your child. And potentially put them at risk.

Apl · 03/09/2022 08:00

OP, first separate out the presents (which are age specific) from the cards / photos (which your son won’t be interested in now but may when he is older). Quietly put the cards/photos away in attic to share with DC when older. If DH asks whether you threw them away just say “No need to deal with them now, I put them away we cna think about it some other time.”

For the presents, assuming they’re age specific, you kinda do need DH’s agreement to share them with the son as the worst situation would be DS gets attached to them and then DH bins them. In my view they belong to DS not to the parents but its tricky all you can do is try to manage your DH.

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 08:01

whiteroseredrose · 03/09/2022 07:55

Are people missing the fact that the husband's family moved away without him knowing and left him with the 'abuser'.

How that impacts it, would depend on the age the dh was at the time.

If he was a child, it’s absolutely awful and I would guess he is supporting this person, from being groomed.

If he was 25 and the family tried to make him see the truth and he decided to still be in contact with this person, I can see why they would not be in contact with him. Nor let him know they had moved away

If I knew, for example, my brother as an adult, decide to side with an abuser. I would not remain in contact. If the abuser died I may try and see a way back.

Womencanlift · 03/09/2022 08:05

You are thinking about whether your DS will be upset that you threw gifts away?

I think if your DS grows up to be a decent human being he will more likely question why his dad is protecting a potential abuser than any gifts that were or were not sent to him

Your priorities are completely in the wrong place OP

grey12 · 03/09/2022 08:07

My husband isn't the abuser, someone he cared for through thick and thin

We don't know the people or the allegations or the stories or whatever.

But people can be one way with one person and another way with another person. The familes of serial killers a lot of times have no idea of their loved one's inclinations, you always hear how lovely they are and such good spouses/parents!

If we assume the abused was female, your male DH wouldn't have had any issues 🤷🏻‍♀️

BadNomad · 03/09/2022 08:13

If your husband wants to throw the gifts away, then let him do it himself. Not you. If your son ever asks, then his dad can explain. You stay out of it.

Original poster
Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 08:15

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 08:01

How that impacts it, would depend on the age the dh was at the time.

If he was a child, it’s absolutely awful and I would guess he is supporting this person, from being groomed.

If he was 25 and the family tried to make him see the truth and he decided to still be in contact with this person, I can see why they would not be in contact with him. Nor let him know they had moved away

If I knew, for example, my brother as an adult, decide to side with an abuser. I would not remain in contact. If the abuser died I may try and see a way back.

Show quote history

My husband was over 18 when the family moved away. He didn't want contact with his family. He blames his family for the deceaseds alcoholism etc.

OP posts:
Beees · 03/09/2022 08:20

My husband was over 18 when the family moved away. He didn't want contact with his family. He blames his family for the deceaseds alcoholism etc.

The more you post the more it sounds like deep down you don't believe him at all. How can they all be to blame for his alcoholism, you know that makes no sense.

In all honesty I'd suggest contacting his family and allowing your child to foster relationships with these people, it sounds like they have done nothing wrong and yet you're husband is punishing them by not allowing them to be in his child's life.

Imagine in future if you were not allowed to see your own grandchild because you stood by someone who was being abused by a violent alcoholic.

Musti · 03/09/2022 08:26

I don’t think someone would accuse their family member of sexual abuse if they hadn’t been abused.

It is more likely for victims to keep quiet and it must have been really difficult to not be believed.

Why didn’t your husband believe them??

Penguinsaregreat · 03/09/2022 08:27

Why isn’t your dh dealing with the cards and gifts? Leave it all to him.
I agree with other posters though, you have bigger issues than that. You are married to someone who has not believed a potential victim, not good.

BadNomad · 03/09/2022 08:35

It's a blessing that the innocent alcoholic paedophile is dead, really. At least you won't have to deal with your DH allowing that relationship with your child.

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 08:49

Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 08:15

My husband was over 18 when the family moved away. He didn't want contact with his family. He blames his family for the deceaseds alcoholism etc.

Show quote history

Your husband is either a liar. Or was in so deep with the deceased that he can’t see the wood for trees.

The reason this is important is because it puts your child at risk. Your child is already at risk from a genetic disease you were never told about, which I think is entirely awful of your husband.

But, again, what if someone close to your husband abuses your child. Will he not believe your child? Will you side with your husband to not cause an argument?

Personally, I think you need to get to bottom of what happened. Wether there’s an argument or not. Your husband has proved he will keep whatever he wants to himself, regardless of the impact on you and his child.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 03/09/2022 08:51

Your husband sounds like a real piece of work.

He would be angry if you asked any questions, angry if you fostered a relationship with his family, angry if his child has a relationship with this family.

IMO this goes much further than his disagreeing with an accusation made against an alcoholic paedophile.

There’s a saying: One thinks the man doth protest too much. Exactly why is he so defensive of this paedophile?

I wouldn’t just be suspicious of the paedophile, I would be suspicious of my dh and be wondering how much he knew, and how deeply he was involved. And I would be questioning whether my dc were at risk from him.

A lot of the people who defended jimmy Saville did so because they already knew what was going on.

I very much doubt your dh is innocent in all this. I would bet money that he knew at the very least, and turned a blind eye.

Daisycrown · 03/09/2022 08:58

BadNomad · 03/09/2022 08:35

It's a blessing that the innocent alcoholic paedophile is dead, really. At least you won't have to deal with your DH allowing that relationship with your child.

Well said!

felulageller · 03/09/2022 09:12

The more you post the more concerning it is...

You shouldn't be living in fear of your DPs anger if you disagree with him.

You have equal rights to decide if DS gets his presents or not.

If DP doesn't allow you your opinions he is emotionally abusive.

I'd be very worried about your DS (and you) living with someone who lived with an alcoholic paedophile from the age of 18. He has rose tinted glasses on. Just because this abuser didn't abuse him (we don't even know that for sure) doesnt mean he wasn't a paedophile. If DP can't see this how can he protect your DS in the future?

What if you or DS was ever sexually assaulted? Would he believe you?

You need to contact DPs mother/ sister and ask to meet them. This is urgent and important for your DS's safety.

What reason was given for them not attending your wedding?

keylink · 03/09/2022 09:25

The gifts aren't the problem here @Serpicoo