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Original poster

Should I throw away my son's presents from family?

146 replies

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:25

My husband and I have a young son. Recently we have received presents and cards for him from my husband's estranged family. He has not been in contact due to them accusing another family member of sexual abuse which he doesn't agree with. The family member accused has died.
The family moved away after the accused abuse and my husband hasn't been in contact since.
My husband told me to bin the presents and cards, but my dilemma is what will my son think if and when he is old enough to have contact with family? How will he react to us knowing that we threw away his cards and presents?

OP posts:
abblie · 02/09/2022 22:56

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:42

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him?

Exactly this as one day this will all come to a head where they say we sent you this every year and then he accusses you of lying to him etc

It's really a tough one I would keep the cards etc in a box and just say your son outgrew the toys and you donated them etc etc

Hope everything works

abblie · 02/09/2022 22:57

POSTERS concentrate on the toy situation and stop being so flipping nosey omg 🙈

Magenta82 · 02/09/2022 22:57

abblie · 02/09/2022 22:54

Concentrate on whether she should give presents or not and stop being nosey

Show quote history

The OP should not get involved in the presents at all her husband has made the decision to cut contact so he can deal with the details.

However she should be worried that she has a child with someone who cut off their family for believing an abuse victim and who was very good friends with the alleged perpetrator.

saraclara · 02/09/2022 23:10

I agree that initially any accusation of abuse should be taken seriously, and the possible victim supported.

However, I'm far from certain that 100% of accusations are true. Even if only a tiny minority are untrue, given that none of us here know anything about these particular family members, I find it bizarre that so many people are prepared to determine without question that OP's DH is a total bastard because he thinks the accusation is false.

admiraltyjordan · 03/09/2022 05:37

You are focused on the materialistic side of presents but have your head in the s and like an ostrich.

You have never met his family but have a child with him. His whole family believes that a member was abused, he doesn't, and cuts them off. This is RED FLAG , not normal behaviour.

You don't question in detail why he doesn't believe and everyone else does ?

And if your child was sexually abused, would your husband believe ? or cut off his son ?

flyingant · 03/09/2022 06:07

@Serpicoo you are completely avoiding the many questions about why your husband doesn't believe the accuser/s but this is probably the most relevant point because your husband is most likely wrong and therefore very wrong to be withholding contact between your son and his family... your son is being harmed by this and may not forgive you and his father.

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 06:10

saraclara · 02/09/2022 23:10

I agree that initially any accusation of abuse should be taken seriously, and the possible victim supported.

However, I'm far from certain that 100% of accusations are true. Even if only a tiny minority are untrue, given that none of us here know anything about these particular family members, I find it bizarre that so many people are prepared to determine without question that OP's DH is a total bastard because he thinks the accusation is false.

It’s not just that though. It’s that he cut off his family, for believing it could be trueS

People, generally, really struggle to get their family to support them when they accuse another family member of SA. Yet the entire family support the victim and the DH is so convinced it didn’t happen, he cut off all his family. He knows something that they don’t? Why did they ignore this information the dh has? All the family, who know the accused, believe the victim.

and he has cut them off because they believe a victim of SA? It doesn’t make sense.

Its quite likely that Op doesn’t have the full story. Plus the behaviour over telling the op they should get rid of them, is quite odd. It’s his family he should do it.

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 06:13

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 22:41

My husband isn't the abuser, someone he cared for through thick and thin

Show quote history

The person could have supported him through thick and thin AND committed the abuse.

I think the point people are making is that you have no idea what actually happened. You have your husbands events only. They are suggesting you look deeper as to why, the entire family did believe it, they can see it being true and your dh cut them off. Not to tell us. To protect your child.

as for the presents, it’s his family he can deal with the presents.

Riverlee · 03/09/2022 06:20

Has the accused recently died and so the family are wanting to bridge the gap now?

Do the gp want a relationship with their grandson as they don’t want to miss out on his life? If so, are you willing to facilitate this?

Iwonder08 · 03/09/2022 06:37

His family, his decision. OP, I don't understand your dilemma. He doesn't want his family to be involved in your child's life and it is his prerogative. Donate the presents. Irrespective of the presents your son will inevitably ask why he doesn't know anyone from his dad's side so he will have to explain.

Midlifemusings · 03/09/2022 06:40

Keep the photos and cards and donate the gifts. Photos and cards don't take much space. If at some point down the road, he wants to know about them or there is a reconciliation, then you have things showing they cared or showing his family members.

DreamingofItaly2023 · 03/09/2022 06:40

I am struggling with the present issue as Christmas approaches although in our situation we are the only ones to believe the victims and be following the advice of the police to safeguard our child. I don’t want my son to receive gifts from someone who has been accused of raping and sexually abusing children to those who are supporting him but I also realise that they aren’t my gifts (I will straightforwardly return any I receive in the post).

DreamingofItaly2023 · 03/09/2022 06:41

Or those supporting him! Darn no edit function.

Original poster
Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 06:43

Riverlee · 03/09/2022 06:20

Has the accused recently died and so the family are wanting to bridge the gap now?

Do the gp want a relationship with their grandson as they don’t want to miss out on his life? If so, are you willing to facilitate this?

The accused died before I met my husband. I think his family have seen my husband's posts and pics on social media of my son. They all moved far away years ago.

OP posts:
Solomamma · 03/09/2022 06:47

I know this isn't what you're asking but I wonder whether as a child your husband was also abused by the same perpetrator and perhaps even made to do things to /with the family member who has spoken out. Your husband may have erased the abuse from memory, be in denial or scared to open up to the truth.

With that in mind, I understand people who have been abused are more likely to go on to abuse, particularly those that have not dealt with the abuse. I know I'm speculating here but something to be aware of OP.

As for the presents can you get a memory box, keep photos, cards, take pictures of the presents and give to your child when they're 18?

Original poster
Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 06:49

Midlifemusings · 03/09/2022 06:40

Keep the photos and cards and donate the gifts. Photos and cards don't take much space. If at some point down the road, he wants to know about them or there is a reconciliation, then you have things showing they cared or showing his family members.

I still think my son will be angry if he later in life finds out we threw away the presents. The parcels are addressed to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 07:02

Solomamma, as far as I know my husband wasn't abused although the abuser was an alcoholic.
Apparently the family accused this member of being violent but my husband does not believe this.
I only found out recently that his family also carry a genetic condition.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 03/09/2022 07:08

Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 06:49

I still think my son will be angry if he later in life finds out we threw away the presents. The parcels are addressed to him.

Show quote history

This family and your son have never met and there has been no communication between your DH and his family. They really shouldn't even be sending parcels given they only know of his existence via pictures they saw on social media.

Your DH is no contact with his family for his own reasons, as are many people with their families for their own reasons. Most people in that situation either just return gifts to sender or donate them. Your son doesn't know these people, he has no connection to them, it is just strangers sending him parcels.

Ask your DH what he wants to do with them and follow his lead.

clpsmum · 03/09/2022 07:08

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:42

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him?

What reason are you going to give him for not believing a victim of sexual abuse? What message are you sending there? That should be your main concern not some gifts

clpsmum · 03/09/2022 07:09

WeepingSomnambulist · 02/09/2022 19:43

Keep the presents. Bin the husband.

This ^^

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/09/2022 07:09

WeepingSomnambulist · 02/09/2022 19:44

Why are you even with this guy? Someone in his family was sexually abused, he doesn't believe them so has cut contact wi

Where does it say that someone in the family was abused? I read it as one of the family was accused of being an abuser but not who the victims were.

Aishah231 · 03/09/2022 07:13

I'm sorry if this is harsh OP but you sound like you don't care one way or another if the accusation of abuse is true or not. One day your child will ask questions and will eventually find out why they never had a relationship with their family. This is the important thing not the presents. In your situation I would have to talk with members of the family and make my own mind up. If I believed them I would then facilitate some relationship whether DH was happy about that or not.

Solomamma · 03/09/2022 07:17

Only you know your husband, you say you trust him so I guess you have to trust his decision re presents etc and let him deal with your son's questions/anger when he is older. You're lucky to be blessed with women's intuition never ignore it.

Original poster
Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 07:24

Aishah231 · 03/09/2022 07:13

I'm sorry if this is harsh OP but you sound like you don't care one way or another if the accusation of abuse is true or not. One day your child will ask questions and will eventually find out why they never had a relationship with their family. This is the important thing not the presents. In your situation I would have to talk with members of the family and make my own mind up. If I believed them I would then facilitate some relationship whether DH was happy about that or not.

My husband would be angry if I contacted them.
His family moved away without him knowing. He was then living with the man accused. The family did contact him after the death but my husband wanted nothing to do with them. I met him some years after.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 03/09/2022 07:24

Serpicoo · 03/09/2022 06:49

I still think my son will be angry if he later in life finds out we threw away the presents. The parcels are addressed to him.

Show quote history

How will your son even know about them? Just don’t tell him. Or stash them. You’re focused on a really strange element of this.

So basically your husband cared for his alcoholic father and is refusing to hear anything negative against him, especially now he’s dead, and so has gone NC when the allegations of abuse came out? From a female member of the family I’m presuming…?

Your husband sounds incredibly shady. And stupid and a liar if he’s also hidden a genetic condition from you that might impact your own child.