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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I throw away my son's presents from family?

146 replies

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:25

My husband and I have a young son. Recently we have received presents and cards for him from my husband's estranged family. He has not been in contact due to them accusing another family member of sexual abuse which he doesn't agree with. The family member accused has died.
The family moved away after the accused abuse and my husband hasn't been in contact since.
My husband told me to bin the presents and cards, but my dilemma is what will my son think if and when he is old enough to have contact with family? How will he react to us knowing that we threw away his cards and presents?

OP posts:
IcakethereforeIam · 02/09/2022 21:21

I agree, but he's keeping his hands clean, isn't he. Down the road he can paint op as the bad guy.

MistyBean · 02/09/2022 21:23

What a strange thread. If your child is young it would be very normal for you as parents to decide if contact, including gifts, are appropriate. I wouldn't think twice about taking gifts to charity if you are no contact. However........ Why is your husband 100% sure sexual abuse didn't happen? People don't usually go around making up such allegations, and abusers will have very different faces on for different people. Unless there is a real reason for his view I think that would be a massive red flag for me.

Lou98 · 02/09/2022 21:27

Presumably he went NC with his family before you were together since you've never met them - so how do they know about your Son and your address to send presents/cards to?

If your Son ever asks one day why he wasn't allowed contact, you tell him the truth - if you're worried about doing that, I would ask yourself why (if your Husband is so sure the family member is lying, surely falsely accusing someone of sexual assault is good enough?)

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 21:28

I wonder whether the OP’s dh is the (alleged) abuser?

Would explain why the OP isn’t answering the question as people will then question why she’s standing by him and potentially putting their child at risk.

Tee20x · 02/09/2022 21:32

Sounds like a red flag to me. Without knowing anything I'd be thinking DH has fabricated this and there is something else he's hiding which is why he won't let you have contact with his family. Perhaps there is something he doesn't want them telling you about.

Original poster
Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 21:35

Lou98 · 02/09/2022 21:27

Presumably he went NC with his family before you were together since you've never met them - so how do they know about your Son and your address to send presents/cards to?

If your Son ever asks one day why he wasn't allowed contact, you tell him the truth - if you're worried about doing that, I would ask yourself why (if your Husband is so sure the family member is lying, surely falsely accusing someone of sexual assault is good enough?)

We still live in the same house as he went no contact with.

OP posts:
Beees · 02/09/2022 21:38

We still live in the same house as he went no contact with.

Did he go no contact before you met him? How do they know about your child? How can you not find this whole situation absolutely bonkers, it couldn't be screaming red flag any louder if it tried!

Hoppinggreen · 02/09/2022 21:38

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 19:42

But my concern is what my son will think when he is older and finds out we binned his cards and presents. What reason can I give him?

Rather than for a possible victim of abuse?

ButyouwereuptoyouroldtricksinChaptersFourFiveandSix · 02/09/2022 21:39

I have a potentially controversial opinion that we should pretty much always believe sexual abuse accusations. That would be my problem.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 02/09/2022 21:40

Don't bin gifts, donate them to charity.
If your son finds out then tell him it was his Dad's decision.
I would need too get to the bottom of all this too. Red flags.

Original poster
Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 21:49

I am in a turmoil as the presents and cards are innocent, along with some photos of his ancestors who he clearly resembles.

My son has different heritage to myself.

OP posts:
Ottersmith · 02/09/2022 22:10

You aren't listening to anyone here. You are just focusing on these gifts. They don't matter. There must be more to this story. Why are you not concerned that your husband cut someone out of his life for disclosing sexual abuse?

Lalliella · 02/09/2022 22:12

Why are you fixating on the cards and presents? Shouldn’t you be more concerned that there’s a likely victim of abuse in DH’s family who isn’t being believed? And that DH is adding insult to injury by going NC with them?

Original poster
Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 22:18

Ottersmith · 02/09/2022 22:10

You aren't listening to anyone here. You are just focusing on these gifts. They don't matter. There must be more to this story. Why are you not concerned that your husband cut someone out of his life for disclosing sexual abuse?

I have had trust in him

OP posts:
Original poster
Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 22:19

Lalliella · 02/09/2022 22:12

Why are you fixating on the cards and presents? Shouldn’t you be more concerned that there’s a likely victim of abuse in DH’s family who isn’t being believed? And that DH is adding insult to injury by going NC with them?

I believed him.

OP posts:
Wonnle · 02/09/2022 22:25

So you only have his side of the story then .
Could be complete bollocks couldn't it .

Sally872 · 02/09/2022 22:26

Either the child will never know the presents have been received and not given to them.
Or the bigger question they will have is why no contact.

Either way dh's decsion. However I hope that he is right otherwise his behaviour to a victim is unforgiveable.

Lacey247 · 02/09/2022 22:31

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 21:28

I wonder whether the OP’s dh is the (alleged) abuser?

Would explain why the OP isn’t answering the question as people will then question why she’s standing by him and potentially putting their child at risk.

This is what I thought

Magenta82 · 02/09/2022 22:39

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 22:18

I have had trust in him

Show quote history

I would hope you would have a VERY good reason to trust someone who cut out an entire section of his family because they believed an abuse victim. It is not normal behaviour and needs investigating, don't just take his word, you need to safeguard your son.

Mumoftoomanygirls · 02/09/2022 22:41

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 21:49

I am in a turmoil as the presents and cards are innocent, along with some photos of his ancestors who he clearly resembles.

My son has different heritage to myself.

So put them to one side and give him them when he’s an adult, by then he will probably have asked why his dad is NC with his family and know his version of events. He will either care about knowing his ancestry or not.

I also don’t agree with others about it being bull and being told one version of events. My 1st H never met my family, he only knew what I told him. My now DH only met 3 members of my family before we married, my parents the week of the wedding as I had been NC for many years. He now knows everything I ever said about them is 100% true, not that he doubted me, but now he’s witnessed them first hand and dose not want our DCs to have anything to do with them and is very happy and supportive of my decision to finally cut them off for good.

I think you should not have brought up the reason for the estrangement in your op, you should just have said he is estranged and didn’t want our dc to have gifts from his estranged relatives as his reasons, without context, do not put him in a good light.

Original poster
Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 22:41

Lacey247 · 02/09/2022 22:31

This is what I thought

Show quote history

My husband isn't the abuser, someone he cared for through thick and thin

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 02/09/2022 22:44

Your dh is a right piece of work.

Magenta82 · 02/09/2022 22:46

Serpicoo · 02/09/2022 22:41

My husband isn't the abuser, someone he cared for through thick and thin

Show quote history

So he was good friends with an alleged abuser and then cut his family off. Doesn't sound good does it?

Changemaname1 · 02/09/2022 22:51

Your ds will not ask about presents he didn’t even know existed . Why would he ?

Forget about that and get to the bottom of what’s actually going on here is my suggestion

abblie · 02/09/2022 22:54

ExtraOnion · 02/09/2022 19:31

I am a bit confused … your husbands family accused another family member of sexual abuse. Your husband doesn’t believe the accuser (based on what?).

Your husband had now unilaterally decided that his son should not have any sort of relationship with the rest of the family.

is that right ?

Concentrate on whether she should give presents or not and stop being nosey

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