Should I throw away my son's presents from family?

[Serpicoo]

My husband and I have a young son. Recently we have received presents and cards for him from my husband's estranged family. He has not been in contact due to them accusing another family member of sexual abuse which he doesn't agree with. The family member accused has died.
The family moved away after the accused abuse and my husband hasn't been in contact since.
My husband told me to bin the presents and cards, but my dilemma is what will my son think if and when he is old enough to have contact with family? How will he react to us knowing that we threw away his cards and presents?

Why would you son find out later in life about this?

But I agree there's something sus about someone not believing in accusations of abuse. Unless the accuser is a known fantasist or something, and even then, I'd have questions. Just because you don't want to believe something of someone doesn't mean it isn't true. I'm just thinking of a friend who is estranged from her whole family as they didn't believe she was abused by a relative - they used they fact she was a 'difficult' teenager against her, accused her of being attention seeking & trying to break up the family, and she admits she was a troubled teen but it also didn't mean she wasn't abused.

You don't give any reason.

That would be a job for your husband. His family, his decision, his awkward conversation with your ds.

Riiiight. So someone, let’s call them Anna, got sexually abused by DH’s relation. Instead of being supportive, your DH was furious and cut Anna out of his life.

Anna then sends your son birthday presents and your DH wants to throw them away.

Your DH is not a good man, OP.

No, it isn’t ok to throw away these presents.

No, it isn’t ok for your DH to bully you like this.

Hope you’re ok, OP.

😔

I told a friend of this and she said my son would resent that his heritage had been withheld. They are presents meant for him.

So sad that your son is missing out on both presents and extended family because of your husband’s stubborn and strange decision. I’d be worried who he’s going to cut off in future as well, it’s very strange to go no contact with a victim because they’ve spoken out.

All of this.

I feel that the presents are the least of your worries. What will your son think when he finds out his dad cut off a large chunk of his family because they disclosed abuse?!

Why are you ignoring everyone's comments that are of far more significance than a few toys and a bit of card?

I think there is a lot of jumping to conclusions on this thread! No one knows why your DH didn’t believe it. Yet it is a bit strange not to believe someone unless you have fairly good reason.

What are your instincts saying?

I mean. Your DH feels so strongly that he has cut off his family. What is going on there? That’s pretty big. And they reach out still despite it all, and he doesn’t want them still.

I am not sure giving your sons the presents would help anyone. Your son doesn’t know them and it would raise all kinds of questions. Best not.

Your not going to get many actually answering the question you want. The focus will be your DH cutting off a family member who has claimed to be abused because he doesn’t believe them.

The way I see it is if your DS find out the story and you withholding his presents it can go either, he will not care because he thinks what his dad has done is right or it was a long time ago so why think about it. Or; he will make his own mind up and think what his dad has done is wrong cutting the relative out of his (DS) life, I’m basing this on the fact you haven’t stated if there is any proof the relative is lying.

For reference I refused to accept gifts from estranged relatives, I have had no problem doing this, my DCs don’t know this yet. I have also regifted other gifts before my children have seen them for various reasons. My 8 & 10yos know I’ve given their gifts away when they were younger, creepy porcelain dolls, they 100% agreed with me, some presents that were just too much after big parties so they got regifted to charity shops or Christmas toy collections. Again they don’t have a problem with this now.

OP, are you going to answer the question as to why your DH disbelieves these allegations.

It’s actually quite unusual for an entire family to believe an abuse victim, so I’d say that it’s far more likely the allegations are true. Which makes your husband an abuse apologist.

Added to which, what happens if one of your children is sexually abused one day? Will your dh cut them out of his life?

Think on it OP. While there’s a chance the abuse didn’t happen, it’s wrong to cut out a whole family for believing that it did, especially given the (alleged) abuser is dead.

I am nc from a family member for my physical protection. Complete denial by the family. The presents are peripheral. Have you spoken to the family?

No, I have never met any of his family.

The sexual abuse accusation, and the whole family believing it apart from one person who then cuts everyone off are huge red flags. Something is really off there I'd be more concerned about what's gone on and why dh has that attitude.

Do you know the family or was this all before you got together? Who’s telling them about your child?

It’s his family, you have to go along with what he thinks is best for your family. He doesn’t want anything to do with them and that extends to his child. That’s what happens. It’s really not your place to decide you know better.

Your son won’t miss what he doesn’t know and if your husband needs to explain the missing chunk of relatives down the line that’s up to him to handle. Millions of us might have to do this if we have crap people we happen to share genes with.

Bin, charity or return them.

Why is that?

OP - do you not see just how weird and alarming this all is?

A family member accuses another family member of sexual abuse - everyone in the family is supporting the victim of the abuse - but your husband thinks he knows better than everyone else and has cut them all off. That sounds like a seriously concerning reaction. You have a 6 yo child with this man and have never met his family. Did none of this give you pause for thought?

Presumably there’s heaps of context which mean this looks very different to how it sounds. But it sounds really weird and troubling.

Agree with @dery.

Do you even know if the story you've been told is the truth or just a tale to ensure you never meet them?

So a member of your husband’s family made an allegation that they were sexually assaulted by another member of the family. That member of the family is now dead. Your husband flat-out refuses to believe those allegations against the dead member of the family, and has cut his entire family off as a result.

Despite your husband’s disbelief of very serious allegations, they’re still trying to have a relationship with him and his child, and have sent gifts for the child. Which your husband wants binned because he’s decided that the very serious allegations of sexual assault must be false…

Yeah. I know where I sit in this situation.

I think you should try to get the other side of the story. Could you contact his family yourself? It sounds suspicious.

Another who agrees completely.

How can you not see how weird and alarming this is. You've literally never met these people and yet completely believe what your husband has told you? Did you never meet them at the wedding? It's so bloody bizzare you think this is normal.

This is very confusing I would be doing some digging of my own if I’m honest

So you husbands version of events is that he didn’t believe a family member when they said they were abused by another family member?

But you have no idea if that’s even true? Because you never met them.

Even he own side makes him sound awful. I suspect the truth is much darker.

and you are worried about presents? I think you need to worry about the man you are married to and is raising a child with you

Why is your husband telling you to bin them? Let him do his own dirty work.

I think the fact that your husband doesn’t believe the victim of sexual abuse is a bigger problem than throwing away birthday presents.