Bl0ody ghosted :-(

[Cherrycokefiend]

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

For clarity, my post saying you were rude was aimed at your response to some posters.

I don't think were rude to your date at all.

You've ghosted each other.

As the woman I don’t pursue. I certainly don’t pursue a man who had (up until that point) been instigating everything with me.

This is your issue.

By your own admission he has instigated everything.

Men do generally instigate things in the beginning but they still want to feel wanted too.

There comes a point where he’s going to think what’s the point in making all of this effort in instigating things when she’s obviously not bothered.

If someone wants to see you they’ll let you know.
He’s let you know this entire time and the one and only time he’s not initiated it, you’ve gone silent - that tells him everything.

If I feel like I’m making more effort than the other person (date, friend or family member) I’ll stop contacting that person and see if they bother getting in touch with me.
If they don’t then that tells me everything I need to know.

I think the thing about MN is that we're viewing it at a distance so we're just looking at cold facts and possible interpretations. We don't have the benefit of gut feel and instinct which I think counts for a lot.

Objectively yes, it's not unreasonable to expect you to take your turn in texting first. Men are allowed to feel insecure too, and maybe always texting you first made him feel as if you were disinterested. So maybe he's thinking "I'll wait and see if she messages because I'm doing all the running here....." and in your own words "voila" - he's not heard from you.

In one of your previous posts you said something along the lines of "I'm a woman, I'm not doing the chasing..." In fairness, that sounds a little bit off. Men also deserve and need reassurance and refusing to ever be the one to text first is a little bit shit.

But despite all of that, I tend to think that you just know in your gut when something is off. Yes, maybe you should have been a bit more equitable and texted him first this time. But such a sharp change in his communication style suggests there's a big problem. I think you're probably spot-on with your assessment, and I can understand why you're hurt. I'm sorry this happened, it's rubbish.

I hate the early stages of dating and all the messing around. At least you have the bittersweet satisfaction of knowing that your senses for spotting potential red flags were accurate.

If you never feel able to text men first while you're dating, it might be worth having a think about why you need to be "chased". Some men will see this as mind games (which it is a bit), and you might miss out on someone really lovely. It's not really fair to never text first after a date/weekend etc. I'm also a bit crap at texting first, and I know it's because I'm looking for validation that they're still interested/still like me. It's a bad habit of mine too so I understand where it can come from.

(Btw, I am a female. I forgot to change my username back from a joke thread!)

Hope you find someone wonderful, without the bitterness and emotional baggage - you absolutely deserve better than that!

Because you are the one who is bothered enough to post here, he hasn't 🙄

I haven’t RTFT so apologies if this is past its sell by date:

In your situation OP, I’d want to have the last word. I WOULD message him –

“Enjoyed the other night but I’m a bit puzzled I’ve not heard from you since. Very out of character for you. I hope you’re not one of those emotional retards that ghosts people rather than just say it’s not working out for them, you know, like normal, well adjusted adults do? Ball’s in your court mate.”

If he doesn’t reply then he’s basically admitting he is an emotional retard.

If he does reply it will be either (a) to call it a day or (b) to offer up a load of excuses and make new plans. Then YOU get to decide whether you want to continue with him or not. But FGS don’t ghost him if you don’t, lol.

Absolutely no ghosting has taken place. It’s a figment of the OP’s imagination.

it’s very likely that the guy in question fells he is always the one having to instigate communication and the OP’s posts confirm that to be the case. He probably wanted to see if she WOULD actually start instigating.

nobody wants to be in a one-way relationship. People do need SOME encouragement that there is a level reciprocal feeling.

the OP thinks she is above reaching out and that is sending a message to the man in question.

All very unfortunate.

They had just had sex.

She clearly liked him.

Her having sex with him proved she trusted and liked him. How convienent it now is that he requires such reassurance of her love for him now he has has sex with him. The poor little diddum.

She has been ghosted after sex.

I would not text him that

He is not puzzled - he is entirely aware of what he is doing.

"I've been seeing a woman for the past month. I'm trying to be cautious after a bloody awful divorce, but she's gorgeous, great company, I really like her. We had a lovely time last weekend (I thought) - I drove over to hers on Friday, Sat I cooked for her at my place. She left first thing Sunday, and I've not heard from her since. I've fucked up somehow, haven't I? She's not into me."

Unless something serious has happened..
I don't know if you've considered this, or his phone has gone AWOL.

The serious thing could be anything from an accident, to appearing in court to be sentenced and sent immediately to prison.

That is not true. No ghosting has taken place.

OP

He will have his belt and braces ready for a message from you
Swinging between upset, puzzled or angry. He already knows.

I have had this very situation once before - the bitter exW - newly divorced - and I stayed over and I knew as soon as I closed the door behind me and came home I was done.
Needless to say one week later of silence after a sleep over and this was following a two month period of video chats, dates, walks and me being 150% sure he was seperated it happened to me. It was only during being at his flat I found out how bitter was.

He texted me to say the usual to confirm closure after the one week of silence. My friends have expierenced similar. If you say anything you were be gaslit, minimised and manipulated and probably find yourself screen shotted into his whatsapp group.

Say nothing move in silence. Block delete and move on.

😂

Not a hope in hell.

They have both been ghosted after sex. They have cleverly managed to both simultaneously ghost each other. This may imply that they are very well suited!

I know.

It's calling him out on his behaviour and giving him the opportunity to step up and behave like a functioning adult.

It also gives a better form of emotional closure than just ghosting because of being ghosted.

@DatingDinosaur

No point. He wont step up. If he was going to have the ability to step up in any way be would have had the foresight to not subject someone to this treatment in the first instance.

@Cherrycokefiend Your post sums up what I think is the nub of this issue and why it’s so painful: you just can’t tell who is going to play this stunt.

You’re right, you can never tell who is going to play this stunt because these are total strangers with zero references. I’ve done OLD for years so not naive believe me. However… there’s ways of protecting oneself, like red flags (that we decide to overlook) and wreck less behaviour on our part such as getting into a sexual romantic tryst way too soon and emotionally investing on an internet stranger we DON’T know (or we’ve only known for a month). I see women doing this, a lot. Investing too much too soon on a total stranger smells desperation, You want to be picky, have high standards, get to see his values, how he treats his family/dog/children and how he treats you, and that takes some time.

Expecting a man to be comitted after one month of sex and romance is sheer madness.

Seriously, I have been on a dating site And my friend said don’t give up after a couple of arseholes. You know what I give up, I don’t go out often as I have a child but if I do meet someone I will meet them when I go out. Seriously a high percentage of men on dating sites are like this and I don’t care what anyone says. You do sound like a good person with good self esteem. Don’t let this idiot take you down not even for a day.

Wait... who is ghosting who?

This is exactly right, but unfortunately reality doesn't live here on MN.

As much as we would like equality across all aspects of life - It simply hasn't hit dating yet.

If he was into you, he'd be in touch. There's no point contacting him because you already have your answer.

Hope you get over it quickly 💐

👏 well said.

Totally agree

The best podcasts I came across (it took me a year of listening and digesting it) was The Game by Yaz, also RC Blakes (you do not have to be christian to absorb his lessons)

I had one horrendous expierence from OLD and several other traumas

You have to be so careful and in all honesty when you have sex with a man from OLD be very aware this is potentially the last time you will ever see him again. It takes at least 6-12 months for someones character to shine through and longer in some cases. Do not be a mug. Educate youself to the hills - I do and I have still been caught out.

Many of the lessons I have learned from OLD I can apply to friendships as well.

@Sandra1984 Ok, I really need to challenge this.

I didn't expect 'commitment'. I expected basic courtesy from someone who I had spent time with on enjoyable dates over a month-long period.

There is a difference. I'm not bawling that he's not my boyfriend, I'm gutted that he didn't act more respectfully.

Implying 'madness' on my part is way off the mark.