Bl0ody ghosted :-(

[Cherrycokefiend]

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

The "witch" ex was a red flag;bitter exes aren't usually over their ex.Also I watched my friend go through OLD following her divorce at 40;she seemed to attract separated/divorced men in their 40's/50's.

Most of these men seemed to think they were gods gift to women;honestly the amount she dated and they buggered off after a couple of weeks of sex was unreal;these blokes didn't seem interested in an actual relationship just sleeping about like their single days prior to a LTR.

Or maybe OP should send the text saying she doesn't want to continue. You know, like adults do.

If it helps OP I have just asked my other half who said if a man is interested he will let it be known and would not leave you waiting on a text this long unless something serious had happened. So yes, ghosted.

I think it's interesting that the OP's gut was telling her something when she was last with him, as she left.

I think women should hone this skill more. (In the vein of 'the Gift of Fear' thinking.)

If you left early to go to your Gym Class ,then maybe he feels you werent too happy with the night spent together ? I dont know. Its good you enjoy the Gym ,but maybe he felt a little sidelined ,or maybe had plans to spend time together.How would you have felt if had gone off for a footy game? Not saying you were wrong but maybe have given the wrong impression inadvertantly do you think

Emmeline

Who preferred to be known as Emily. Look it up.

Oh sorry didn't realise you were pals @Youaremysunshine14

We go back a long way.

Apparently

I am very old, if it's of any interest. I go back a long way everybody.

She taught me everything I know about not being a pushover when it comes to men. She was good for that. More women should follow her lead.

Research elastic band theory!!!

F*ck him. He'll come running, and in the mean time head up, shoulders back and keep busy x

This! Unless you can see you have been blocked, it's a bit presumptuous to say you havd been ghosted. Have you messaged him?

Yes

You are going to have lots of woman on here who say you should text first, he had a lucky eacape yaddy yada and on it goes

Men know full well they should text after intimacy and with a build up like that a change in the pattern of communication is a red flag

These people have never done OLD and have no idea how often this happens to woman who are 'catches'. I remember reading a few threads on here where a woman had this happen to her several times by various guys from OLD and was victim blamed and told she clearly was not good at sex. Another woman was ghosted by a match when he went abroad (to his wife and kids it transpired) and numerous commenters were like 'its perfectly normal for communication to cease when men go abroad for holiday'.

Its all bullshit OP. You know if your gut he has dropped the ball, he knows it too and he frankly does not care as he will have matched with someone else already and be doing the same thing. It makes me so angry because there is no way whatsoever you can ever really know if this is going to happen. I once waited three months and was ghosted after sex, I waited a similar amount of time and was ghosted by another for not having sex.

Men on dating apps are impossible to tell.

Amongst peers I have had some victim blaming as I was the only 'single one' - lo and behold as others have joined the dating app and been met with this same behaviour it only now seems its the 'men' rather than me. All the 'tee-hee, you should write a book tee-hee', whilst clutchig to their husband hoping it does not end up as them for some reason. It is not funny and it is abuse. I am so sick of dating apps, ghosting, sexual cohersion and the culture we live in.

Apologise for the rant but felt I need to get it out my system.

One bit of advice is that I would tend fo go for younger men if you can - the late 30s, 40s crowd men are the worst - particularly in cities. You have done nothing wrong and I hope you have the strength to block him, these users have a habit of popping in and out of your life periodically. I would bet my money he caused the divorce also and his bitterness is about the EW getting away from him.

Off to meditate now.

He wont come running
The elastic band theory was based on men who did not have access to 10000s of single woman online

The world is totally different now

You are really rude, OP.

@Someadviceplease1 that's really interesting. I hope it's helpful for the OP.

@CantFindTheBeat i think l’ll live knowing that. Have a good evening

I am quite surprised by the replies the OP has had on here from other MNers about a man who has clearly behaved without courtesy or consideration, and who apparently still has enough issues to resolve that he took cold feet at a budding relationship, and shut it down.

But you sound quite strong, with good self-esteem @Cherrycokefiend . Hopefully a better match lies just ahead 🌷

For what it's worth, I think you're right to be pissed off and upset that he's cooled off. It's shit.

I also think you're right/within your rights to 'not pursue'. I word it in my world as 'not chase', but I think it's probably the same thing.

You can definitely tell when someone's style of communication has changed.

@Someadviceplease1 thank you for your kind reply. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced similar behaviour.

Your post sums up what I think is the nub of this issue and why it’s so painful: you just can’t tell who is going to play this stunt.

Also agree that those who are removed from OLD can’t possibly expect the same cultural norms that they have become used to in their long marriages/r’ships. OLD is totally savage.

Whether it’a 6 dates or 2, if someone behaves like that they’ll do it regardless. It’s frustrating to read insinuations that a woman in our position should have known better or played it differently.

i don’t have the energy to argue with posters calling me rude/immature/game playing. I’m not. I was hurt by his drop in communication after we appeared to have something promising. So Sue me for not wanting to reach out first. The message is clear I was just seeking support from fellow women.

@Libelula21 thank you! Apparently it’s down to me to be the courteous one. Only on mumsnet.

That's quite revelealing then. If he didn't thank you either.
Move on. Men who ghost as soon as they get the first hint of progression from casual fling are not worth bothering about.