Such a useful sounding board of a thread.
It’s funny, as for many years I’ve been such a huge advocate of the non blended route. The LAT (living apart together) model, when there’s kids on both sides. I was deeply against the idea of full blending. But - my experience of the other extreme, the fully segregated model, has left a rather bitter and lonely taste in my mouth. So now, not so sure.
As @eztiger describes, there’s this really jarring and abrupt switch in roles: mum, employee, girlfriend - always “owing” time to other people, but never truly reaching cohesion. Compartmentalising like that is very draining. My ex DP however seemed to do it seamlessly. I, however, found it odd to be all loved up for an intense 48 hours and then suddenly down to very little contact and the usual hustle and bustle of my normal life.
In the end, I couldn’t reconcile the fact that he was ok to make the inner compromise of seeing each-other very little, because after all resourcing a family as a single mother takes a lot of time and work and energy, than resource ourselves together as a true partnership, and thus have more time together. I felt he was ok to string it out for as long as he could, take what he could, for as long as I was compliant with the set up. Happy to take the “hit” on time, so long as he protected and ring fenced his life from any type of real sharing. That was the “deal” despite many sugary words and notions to the contrary. In the end, it all came down to a single carrier bag (not even full). He’d been very very careful to keep things separate, but fed me a lot of empty promises. When it came down to me pushing for real sharing, the “deal” fell apart. Don’t want to come across as massively cynical and transactional about it all, but in my experience, men won’t rock the status quo and will happily bumble along in a comfortable routine that sees them risk free with regular sex/companionship, until the woman speaks up.
Totally understand what PP says re if you’re building a future as a lone entity, that puts a totally different spin on your time. I often have to catch up with work on weekends. Ex DP would rather that I do that, than resource ourselves as a couple, e.g two is a stronger team than one, and shared resourcing would mean more time together. He wasn’t prepared for that, but dressed the deal up as a lot more than it was (glorified dating long term).
I very much understand what you’re referring to OP re the nuts and bolts of day to day life; the details, the mundane stuff, the little glitches and errands and the knowing that that person is “your person” as well as your next of kin / emergency contact etc. With geographic distance also thrown in, if you’re following this model, it just becomes impossible. I have been a single parent for 8 years, and was alone with 3DC under 3, and have moved house and navigated so much - alone - so it’s not a question of needing that person, it’s a question of wondering why they are ok to simply by a background observer on the sidelines of your life. Sort of standing in the shadows, watching on. Not really pitching in.
During covid, my ex DP was in a bubble with his ex (his kid’s mother) and my kids dad was in a bubble with his wife. I remember thinking: who is my bubble?! Who is my next of kin? etc And this model doesn’t give you that assurance.
It becomes disjointed and unsatisfactory as over time it feels the costs outweigh the benefits and I started to resent that when I needed support, I neither had DP, nor did the relationship enable me the time to build up networks (new area so don’t have many connections.) It was all in his favour. And as I said, most men won’t speak up, or have the integrity to look at it in real practical terms: what it is costing you, in multiple ways, and the ways it leaves you exposed.
These relationships take up space in your life, without actually adding much tangible to them. I realised that life would be no different if I was single, except I’d have more time for self restoration and the real and long term people (friends and family).
Totally know what you mean OP re the pie in the sky notions of long term plans. These are usually carefully crafted to disengage from anything close to reality. That was my experience in any case. I lived through very similar. When it came to anything concrete, he flaked out. He probably hadn’t even admitted to himself what the relationship was, but I was under no doubt in the end that he was in it for what benefitted him, for as long as he could, carefully keeping things as segregated as possible and throwing in the odd sweetener here and there (usually of no substance.)
It is not a set up I’d want for my daughter. It’s hard to break away, I get that. I said the same exact words that you have voiced OP; it would be so easy to walk away if he was simply a bastard. However, detach a bit from your emotions and look at it purely in terms of who it is serving more. Also look closely at words and actions not matching. Last thing you need is a lonely marriage experience, through this pseudo relationship model, without any of the benefits of actual partnership.