Post-divorce relationships: How have your partners shown long-term commitment?

[toksvig]

I’m 3.5 years into a relationship with a great guy, both post-divorce, both 50/50 residency with similarly school-aged kids, living apart together. Sadly, I think I’m coming to the end of the line because it’s becoming increasingly apparent that DP can’t offer what I want. I don’t want remarriage (too much financial risk) or cohabitation while the kids are still at school (we live an hour apart) but I do want some firmer plans for our future life together.

I’ve raised various ideas, e.g. a commitment ceremony, a ring, buying a campervan (fits with our common interests), providing space for DCs in each other’s houses so we can spend more time together. However, DP hasn’t bitten at any of these and is instead happy to continue as we are, seeing each other around once a week + holidays. Which leaves me feeling like we’re perpetually dating, and that I’m pushing for more than he wants to give, and so fundamentally incompatible.

As a final sanity-check, I’m looking for examples of how partners have shown commitment when set-ups are less straightforward than a nuclear family. How have your 2nd-time arounders stepped up to show you they’re serious about making a life together? Am I asking too much?

@toksvig

That sounds very like my relationship. It feels like a weekend thing and no support around difficult times. I guess I have compared to the commitment and time with someone you get from marriage or living together (almost). I guess some are happy with the type of relationship where live apart and no formal commitment and meet up for weekends but some of us aren't.

Not sure what to suggest but I know where you are coming from.

@TheJourneyAhead

Snap - it wears you down doesn't it.

"In my case it became an every other weekend relationship which lasted 3.5 years until it wore us both down. It felt like a double life, with no cohesion. Felt like I was 2% of an actual person during those every other weekends, and then went back to my “real” life. It also felt odd that I was effectively alone and single for all areas of life in terms of planning and decisions, but was also with someone/but in a blink and you miss it kind of way. It also felt like the other party got the better end of the deal; a low risk and low commitment set up with regular companionship/sex but with none of the risks of a shared life, and none of the benefits of being a team."

I am in a similar position. Been together 2 years, no plans to blend until all kids are at uni so that’s another 6 years. We see each other 2-3 times a week with him staying here once a week. We holiday together too. We talk about living together in time but in the meantime it’s about sharing more things. So we entertain friends of each of us together, he bought a barbecue to keep here, He buys things like the whisky and wine he likes for my house , he bought his preferred pillows to keep here, we’ve bought some things for my house we’ve gone halves on, his mum stays at me rather than at his when she visits as I have more space. We don’t make weekend plans without checking with each other, we have a joint credit card for big purchases we share. He goes out independently with my older kids as they enjoy each other’s company.

obviously these are really small things but it’s how we are slowly blending our lives without living together

I was just about to ask those who've been through it @TheJourneyAhead @Almostthere1 what kinds of moves your ex-DPs made towards greater cohesion, but then @Holidaydreamingagain has just posted a really inspiring list - nice range of material and social sharing that shows trust in the future. Those who've ended these kinds of relationships, how did your DPs react? Did their ringfences stay strong regardless?

I've been mulling over the costs/benefits and it's tricky. DP and I both benefit equally from the sex, (part-time) companionship, and emotional support. Some practical support when we can. So when I compare that to life alone and the removal of all that, I lean towards staying. But then my current situ is against the frustrating backdrop of feeling single-but-not, and without any of the benefits of singledom. I too have been a massive advocate of the LAT lifestyle but now realising that while it sounds great on paper, it's hard to maintain longer-term.

Another comparison is thinking about the benefits of a real partnership, e.g. support in an emergency, full-time companionship, help with family life, a more secure financial present/future, and an easier blending of my roles as mum/partner/daughter/employee/friend simultaneously. Obviously that's a gamble, and may not even exist, hence this thread. But ultimately what I want.

@AubadeIsIt The pre-existing kids are all here on and off, pretty much 50% of the time. It's hectic and busy and chaotic but everyone gets on really well, they all love each other and my DC adore their step-dad. I hope my step-kids like me, they seem to!

@toksvig I understand where you’re head is at. My head was there too. I was telling myself, there is no “unicorn” man out there, or a relationship that ticks every box, and this is ‘as good as it gets.’ You feel like if you walk away, there’s no guarantee of finding “better.” But ultimately I walked away simply to be alone (for now). In 3 years my kids will all be secondary age - I truly think that means I’m within spitting distance of being able to manage the more fluid LAT model as described so well by @Holidaydreamingagain Not sure what ages yours are OP, but managing LAT when you have primary age kids and two sets of contact schedules + geographic distance thrown in is tough.

Ex DP did make plenty of noises about moving towards greater cohesion, the reality of geographic distance, two contact schedules, 2 FT jobs and the unexpected events that get thrown in, was that it ended up just being words. It also felt like the weight of being the realist in the relationship was all on me; he was happy to indefinitely stick to a tidy and comfortable status quo. Didn’t look at it holistically or whether it put anyone at risk in any way.

I did ruthlessly assess and weigh it up. I felt I had none of the benefits of singledom (spontaneity / time with friends etc), but ALL the pressures of being essentially single. It was too hard to reconcile long term. And ex DP was rather passive to it all, very happy to bumble along indefinitely that way. I also felt I had to prioritise him within my spare time, and that did feel to the cost of other areas of my life. It felt so stark and abrupt, so segregated, which was tough emotionally. He certainly benefitted more and the ring fence remained solid. I also felt the “terms” of the relationship should be well communicated - eg peoples’ expectations need to be managed, and dressing it up as more than it is isn’t particularly kind or fair.

There’s nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship, in my experience.

Ex DP’s terms were firmly in place - and it was a take it or leave it situation, without even acknowledging the sacrifice or sadness this created. It felt imbalanced.

If you’re in a corner, have to quickly dash a kid to hospital etc; and that person is NEVER there to be on hand in any practical sense, you start to think what’s the point!

Most men in their heads will subconsciously (or consciously) preserve their own interests. Not to be massively cynical, just to be wise and attuned to that’s the way human nature is.

Finally some others who understand!! Have posted on here before about my similar situation & feelings and got pretty much completely lambasted for ‘wanting more’ and ‘WHY do you want / need more commitment’, ‘be grateful for what you HAVE’
Thing is, I am grateful - I’m thrilled to have met someone I love so much after many years of awful, abusive relationships previously.
But all of the posts here help to illustrate the frustrations and just that missing ‘something’ and it actually feels in some ways more upsetting than an obviously mismatched, unhappy relationship.
Coming up to three years in, though we were friends first. My 2 DCs with me 100%, his he has one day per week and EOW. We spend a lot of time together, both with and without the kids. He’s helpful, supportive and fun.
But he doesn’t feel like a partner, doesn’t like to think / talk about the future, and has really limited financial space to plan anything ahead. It’s both great and awful and I don’t know what to do…

@Almostthere1 what you say totally resonates. I also went on gut feeling in the end.

The noises made about more cohesion / commitment were only when I pressed. They were a way of stringing out the nice, cushy set up for a bit longer to buy more time, but were not instigated by him at all.

I relate to your sentiment. The benefit is in their favour. Why would they push for more when they get regular sex and a placeholder girlfriend experience without any of the risk or obligation of shared lives?!

In the end I found it harder to have the idea of someone, the hint of a relationship, the potential for partnership sitting there staring me in the face (which is quite a head fuck, just there but out of reach), without ever being able to grasp it.

Simpler and easier to actually be alone on paper and in sentiment. Creating space at the same time. Harder in my view to have a background presence hovering on the periphery of your life, standing at a safe distance, than not at all!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, and it may not be accurate, but I feel that if he wanted you enough he would do more things to make the relationship work!

Agree with you @TheJourneyAhead and I think that’s the tipping point - knowing if a relationship has an honest, ‘real’ & solid substance ultimately, or if the whole thing is just a mutual convenience

@TheJourneyAhead - it was this dissonance between his words and SOME actions (like looking online for a ‘together’ place, giving some timelines that made sense and gave hope, such as ‘when my child goes to university’, expressing strong desire to live together) and that felt sense and unease that it’s just surface motions to keep me relatively content and to keep the status quo going. Lo and behold when the potential obstacles disappeared (his child did go to university) he decided that he needed more time ‘to find his own path’ before committing to living together.
I left; he immediately found a replacement.

I’m not saying that everyone follows such pattern but this experience tought me to 1) honour my needs and wants 2) listen to my gut feeling 3) separate emotions from facts 4) see the situation for what it is now 5) never wait for anyone to be ready; if they are not ready now there’s no guarantee they will be in the future.

Like lots of others I'm really getting a lot from this post. My only issue is that I'm the one holding back on the commitment I suppose. My BF would happily move in if he could!
Would welcome any ideas or suggestions to help us feel like more of a couple without it impacting my kids too much. Like others have said, at the moment I don't feel like I get too many benefits of being in a relationship and certainly don't get any of the pros of being single. It's so hard isn't it and so unfair. My kids dad doesn't have this issue at all 😔

@Almostthere1 I relate word for word. And your logical breakdown of stripping things down a bit is pretty much akin to my own thought process. Eg words vs actions / emotions vs facts. It’s not easy to go against the tide of a heady mix of hormones and romantic notions and sugary words.

Like your experience, mine was also a sense of being on borrowed time: throwing enough sweeteners my way that things felt dressed up as more than “just” long term dating. When it came down to tangible steps, they were never there. It’s almost an elaborate form of future faking; not necessarily malicious or conscious, but nonetheless self serving to buy a bit more time/ tell you what you want to hear (without backing it with substance.) Words are easy to utter; “love” is not enough when it’s hugely impractical; romance becomes meaningless when society treats you as/and you navigate life as, a single woman!

I was the one who asked all the hard questions; he never would have. It served him. I also feel if he wanted partnership, he’d have found a way. Pretty certain he also has a replacement just 1 month on! Which shows I was just a placeholder. He didn’t want to be alone; but who he is with ends up being rather incidental, despite all the saccharine talk of being soul mates and mystical connection and marriage and loving my kids and getting property together and blah blah blah !

It’s not an easy process to work through, and I’m only 1 month on from separating from ex DP, but already life has opened up in ways I am really relishing (and I realised the relationship created a sort of background heaviness that I wasn’t fully aware of.) I also worked through it with a counsellor.

I’d rather be alone and free and create space in my life, than one foot in two worlds, living in a permanent state of dissonance, with an easy gut feeling slowly niggling at me. I’ve just turned 40; kids 3 years away from all being secondary age. Life will open up again. But I won’t be delivering myself to a man to provide sex, companionship and a nicely ring fenced pseudo girlfriend experience again.

Honouring your agenda is really powerful. I also questioned what I was modelling for my 10 year old daughter. It’s ok to be “enough” alone. It’s ok to enjoy life and freedom and create space, buck the convention of needing to be coupled up, but he open to something of substance down the line.

@Almostthere1 that must have been really hard ☹️ Awful way to learn a lesson, but some excellent boundaries you’ve established for yourself - really good for thought

@Banthafodder I hear what you say, but I actually find what @Almostthere1 describes as incredibly empowering. There’s something about joining the dots and making a conclusive decision that sees you take the power back within a situation that is covertly disempowering.

Sorry to jump on this thread, but earlier this year I was the man in this position ^^, & I was one who ended things, there simply wasn’t any “together” time & I also was the one wanting to move things along, a few hours a week wasn’t really doing it for me,

Another thought process that went through my head during this was : it didn’t really sit comfortably this future idea of a shared home post kids reaching moving out age. I mean, by that point, I’d be so so accustomed to living independently that the very last thing I’d feel like doing would be some man’s laundry and providing domestic comfort, especially for someone who hadn’t been a team during the hard years or been there for any of the heavy lifting !

If I’d gotten through two decades alone, why would I then want to compromise domestically for someone who wasn’t there in the hard times?! Plus for my kids generation, no guarantee they’d be moving out possibly well into their 20’s! The post kids moving out living together plan didn’t stack up for me. I’d feel resentful that he’d “cash in” then on the benefits of shared assets and domestic touch of a woman, whilst tidily keeping things separate when it served him!

Excellent thread!
My own situation is similar too, except we are together two years.
Both divorced. Both late 40's. Both parents to several children each, all at different stages of life.
We have no interest in blending whatsoever and spend eow together and an evening or two during alternate weeks.
We live an hour away for one another.

We absolutely love this situation.
We don't believe in blending.
I absolutely love him to bits but adore my own time in my own home with my own kids,
I don't want to share parenting, finances or living together yet. Neither does he.
He does however get on great with them as a friend as do I with his.

It will be five years at least before he moves in with me as my youngest will be on his own road then and it will be our time to settle together and see how living goes.
One day at a time is our motto.

I realise that this Might not be a popular or conventional situation but we are both happy for now.

We were involved in a serious accident last year that has reset our realities and dreams.
What has come out of it for us is that our lives can change in seconds, that we are exceptionally happy together now and hopeful that we will live a long life separately for now but together in the future. If we don't work out , we will both be ok.
We bring lots of joy to each others lives right now.

If I was to write on paper who benefits most practically, it would be him but for me I benefit more emotionally and that's my priority at present .
He comes to my home as I don't want to travel. I cook, he cleans, we share expenses for weekends and he will often contribute financially when he knows I need it.

He has a a wonderful friend and I consider him a partner. He is hugely supportive, generous and gives great advice to me in what can only be described as a precarious family situation where my children need lots of intervention and support from me.

In the past he has lightly suggested marriage. I am years away from that and he totally understands why.

We will soon be 50.

I would like an antique ring to honour his commitment to us,as superficial as it sounds !

@TheJourneyAhead similar stories, I relate so much to what you’ve written. In my case I’m not sure how much of it was a deliberate, calculated deception on his side, but it definitely was a self-serving attitude.

It may be an unfair generalisation but I’ve seen quite a few women in similar situation, following the natural tendency to be the nurturer in the relationship, the emotionally more giving partner, mistaking everyday niceties, reassuring words and lovely gestures for signs of a future together.

I certainly was guilty of romanticising the situation and hanging on to his words, instead of setting some clear boundaries (including walking away) the moment inconsistent behaviours started. I found it quite ironic that after a 5 year relationship there was no issue with splitting the shared possessions etc. - it turned out we didn’t share/build anything together!

The trick is to put your feelings and hopeful thoughts aside and look at the situation with a cold logic. Then act accordingly.

@superstriker - I completely get why this arrangement may work for you both, it works for many couples, especially with children. It sounds like you’ve managed to achieve a balance that works for now and that you are confident in a shared vision of the future and that’s great.

The eow thing didn’t work for me as I felt like I had to see him on both those days when I wanted to be exploring other hobbies/seeing friends etc. Is that the compromise you have to make or do you just carry on with life and see then when it suits? A very difficult juggling act I found and it wasn’t for me as I couldn’t give them the time they wanted.

@superstriker it sounds like you’ve fully weighed it up, both with feelings and with your head, which sounds very sensible. Clearly you have a lovely set up, that doesn’t leave you feeling stealthily disempowered or like things are lop sided. And as PP have pointed out, this can be demonstrated through more subtle things - an attitude and a stance, a strong sense of team work and shared problem solving. Sounds like you have something very solid and beneficial on both sides for all the right reasons,

Update.

I ended the relationship this morning. Since I posted my OP, we had a couple more talks about my need for commitment for the future / integrating our lives more, his lack of need for these things, and potential ways through. As it was me doing the work in trying to find a solution, and it becoming more and more apparent that this simply wasn’t his problem (as he’s so OK with the status quo), I bit the bullet and said that I couldn’t carry on. Packed my few things, had a hug, and left. Cleanest break ever.

Despite me having suggested splitting up as one of a range of solutions, DP was still a bit shocked. He said I should wait a bit and think about it. Though because he’d said just minutes earlier that he couldn’t promise me a future, even after nearly 4 years together, I said there wasn’t anything else to think about.

Feeling sad, not 100% sure I’ve done the right thing, but also slightly relieved that I’ve broken the cycle. Talked to a friend this afternoon who pointed out his lack of compromise. I’ll hold onto that and be glad I don’t have to push things any longer.

Ah OP. I have been thinking about you and your situation (it resonated so closely to mine.)

Well done on being so decisive and honouring your agenda. You have clearly thought about it all, given it time, weighed it all up and analysed the costs/benefits. That doesn’t make it easy. But you’ve moved from being in a limbo state (shall I / shan’t I), to a place of clarity. And that’s always a mental relief.

Be prepared for it to be very difficult for a few weeks (loss of hopes and expectations versus reality), not to mention close to 4 years being a good chunk of time to really ingrain habits.

I found writing thoughts down very helpful. I wrote and wrote : all the rational and logical reasons to end things, when my sad and sentimental brain kicked in. I did all manner of things, EFT tapping on youtube clips to process things, got rid of all physical reminders/photos (full phone purge), and started reading a lot. I need frameworks which feel rooted in science or psychology to counter “feelings” with, and that helped me a lot.

I’m only 6 weeks ahead of you post break up and feel tonnes better, and you will too. But go at your own pace.

Also, what you have done is brave. You’re going into the unknown, and that’s never easy. I’d made a conscious decision to stay away from any type of dating for a good period of time, and have suddenly found a new “lightness” to my life. The relationship (crammed in, around your real life) may have been weighing you down more than you realised.

I suddenly have more time for the “real” people in my life, to develop new and old friendships, I’ve joined single parenting app frolo, and feel altogether calmer and more present at home.

It’s like you suddenly no longer have an observer standing on the sidelines of your life, observing it from afar, but never quite being in it. And this just creates a new simplicity. There’s not a person I need to “narrate” my life back to, who passively stands at a distance; a nice and tidy distance! I’m finding that so much cleaner, simpler and peaceful in many ways. I’m not half elsewhere all the time. I’m not sitting in traffic every other weekend delivering myself to a man for a pseudo girlfriend experience, and then returning all alone to my real life to face it as very single.

It’s good to expect more. To want to feel like a whole and integrated person.

I’m sure your DP would have happily bumbled along with the cushy status quo indefinitely. But you’ve honoured and stated your agenda and needs, and that’s very empowering. It will sting for a while, so go gently on yourself. You will start to feel whole and at peace, without one foot in two different worlds, sooner than you’d expect.

Thinking of you OP! Well done, you have been brave. (Wish I had the courage to do the same.)