Post-divorce relationships: How have your partners shown long-term commitment?

[toksvig]

I’m 3.5 years into a relationship with a great guy, both post-divorce, both 50/50 residency with similarly school-aged kids, living apart together. Sadly, I think I’m coming to the end of the line because it’s becoming increasingly apparent that DP can’t offer what I want. I don’t want remarriage (too much financial risk) or cohabitation while the kids are still at school (we live an hour apart) but I do want some firmer plans for our future life together.

I’ve raised various ideas, e.g. a commitment ceremony, a ring, buying a campervan (fits with our common interests), providing space for DCs in each other’s houses so we can spend more time together. However, DP hasn’t bitten at any of these and is instead happy to continue as we are, seeing each other around once a week + holidays. Which leaves me feeling like we’re perpetually dating, and that I’m pushing for more than he wants to give, and so fundamentally incompatible.

As a final sanity-check, I’m looking for examples of how partners have shown commitment when set-ups are less straightforward than a nuclear family. How have your 2nd-time arounders stepped up to show you they’re serious about making a life together? Am I asking too much?

@AthenaPopodopolous calling PP’s realisations ‘ridiculous’ is not ok. You may have a different perspective on her situation but being a long term girlfriend is not for everyone and sometimes we realise this as the relationship progresses.
In majority of cases, for many reasons, men benefit from such arrangement more than women.

What this thread shows is that while lots of people thrive in a LAT relationship, for many of the reasons you give @AthenaPopodopolous , there's a significant proportion that feel frustrated and disorientated by that kind of set-up in the longer term. Like @asquideatingdough I couldn't believe my luck for the first couple of years - the fun / low-commitment suited me while the dust was settling post-divorce. As time wears on, hankering for something more stable is far from ridiculous. Turns out I can 'just be happy' out of my sort-of relationship.

This thread has been so useful. It's me. And after 4/ 5 years I'm tired. And confused. Not sure what I even want, but feels suddenly like it's all exhausting.

What's your setup @morninginging ?

I have children and he doesn't. Talk about the future but isn't materialising... I think we're both hesitant in some ways. Some days I feel like I need commitment and other days think I should appreciate the simplicity.

It is getting tiring though for all the reasons stated. Life at weekends is just us - which is wonderful. But I feel like it's not real life somehow. That I'm either mum (weekdays) or lover (weekends) and nothing in between or nothing integrated. Like we are living in some limbo state.

Hard relate. The split identity, the endless prep and travel, and the dual life meant that I was forever pinging between it feeling like a great and an awful deal. Time apart gave me chance to reflect, and often resolve to end it. Then time together was amazing and I couldn't believe I was considering walking away. I never had the continuity to help me make a confident decision. Headfuck.

I asked DH what his intentions were when we got to the 1-year mark. He said he wanted us to get married. We did, 4 years later.

BUT... if I had my time over, I don't think I'd marry him. He's a lovely husband but I bought the house and it frightens me that I'd have to sell it and give him a share if we split. Plus, I bloody loved not bring married and am not really sure why I was in such a rush to do it again, having joyously got out of my first marriage.

So, in your shoes, I'd stay unmarried. But I totally get why his reluctance to commit is getting to you. Totally understand.

I was incredibly lucky in that I fell in love with a neighbour a few doors down. We will never live together, have never in well over a decade actually spent the whole night together, but have all the practical and emotional commitments we need.
I found it was the tiny practical things that made us feel fully connected rather than the grand gestures of societal norms of commitment: he cuts my grass, I clean his windows, we go to the garden centre together and jointly plan both gardens, etc. We go to scary hospital appointments together, call each other if cars break down.

On an emotional level, we never felt like we were just dating, even at the beginning - we were best friends first so maybe that’s why!

So an update for anyone still following this thread. Last weekend I spontaneously asked DP, "would you like to live together one day?" And his answer was yes. We had a brief conversation (it was very late!) mostly about the logistics of where to put the children (light heartedly!)

So I am glad we are in agreement in principle but it also gets me a bit worried. The logistics are pretty insurmountable at lest for the next 5 years or so since neither of us have enough space for everyone. But also it does freak me out to be honest. My marriage was very unhappy and full of resentment and repressed anger on my part. I am very very reluctant to get back in a situation again where I am financially or practically dependent on another person. I am a pessimist by nature and tend to assume sharing domestic space will be difficult.

However I can't also help but think it would be lovely to get in bed with him every night, to have him make dinner for me, share resources etc. for his part he is quite optimistic and said we can make it work as long as we commit to making it work.

Just musing out loud here. Any thoughts?

nice update @asquideatingdough . It sounds like a positive chat and that you're both on the same page. Even talking in more concrete terms is a form of commitment and intimacy, so enjoy exploring all the possibilities and concerns.

I also have an update for this merry band of second-timers. Buckle up.

Since I ended the relationship a month ago, I asked for complete space/NC, which I got for a couple of weeks until DP asked to come over and talk. He brought with him two letters and a key to his house.

The first letter was full of sorrowful apologies at having missed what I've been asking for, for holding back, for hurting me, and great regret that he may have basically fucked up something amazing. The second was a ≈20 point list of commitments - basically everything I've been asking for and more. Plus a schedule of how we can maximise our time together just us and with the kids.

I was shocked at his dramatic wake-up, and asked for a few more weeks to ponder things slowly and get my head around the list of proposals. But overall I was intrigued and excited.

Then last weekend we went for a long walk and a talk. I explained how much his previous lack of commitment had hurt and that I was glad, in light of the letter and recent discussions, that he was finally getting his shit together. He explained how he hadn't (DUH) realised how important commitment was for me, and that his divorce had kept his guard up. We talked some more until I was confident that this U-turn wasn't purely reactionary and that he wanted to be all-in for the right reasons.

And then he only bloody proposed.. I've said yes.

My goodness, @toksvig! What a lovely turn of events. Good for you for sticking to your guns. In your initial post you said you weren't looking for remarriage though?

Oh wow!! What an update! X

@asquideatingdough it'll be a low-key but public declaration of our commitment, exchanging vows and rings.

And (don't tell anyone 🤐) but until prenups are a thing, it'll be a non-legally binding ceremony. We're 100% on the same page on that.

@toksvig such an amazing update! It shows the power of communication and directness, and I admire you for sticking to your boundaries.
In terms of a non-legally binding ceremony - how does that work - especially if you don’t want it to be apparent to others?

Wow! Incredible update! What a turn around and a positive outcome.

Congratulations OP!
It's a testament to your character as well!
So many congratulations!!

Awwww!!!!! This is an ace update! He just needed that massive shove to show him that you were willing to walk away as he couldn't provide what you wanted - bloody good for you! Always remember that you are choosing to be together, every day, and at any point if it isn't working for you, you do have options. Boom!

Oh my god I’ve just read all this and am
so thrilled at the update! Lovely!

@asquideatingdough you've asked for advice, on your statement that, "My marriage was very unhappy and full of resentment and repressed anger on my part. I am very very reluctant to get back in a situation again where I am financially or practically dependent on another person. I am a pessimist by nature and tend to assume sharing domestic space will be difficult."

My advice would be to set out to him what made you unhappy in your last domestic relationship, and come prepared with some baselines about what you expect in your next one. My guess is that your ex probably wasn't a net contributor when it came to housework. Your baselines might be for example that you want a cleaner, or you want to choose the furniture in the lounge, or you expect him to be in charge of dishes if you cook dinner, or that you won't tolerate skids left on the toilet. Or whatever.

Im loathed to derail the loveliness of this update but I have a question!

Im 15 months in with a lovely man. We are both in our 50s, 6 kids between us ranging 17-11 and we both have them EOW, carefully coordinated. He lives 90 mins away and also comes up in the week on the “off” week IYSWIM. We talk on the phone all the time, the mundane couple stuff, the kids, the school run, chat chat. We have met each other’s kids, our exes are aware of our relationship, it is ON.

I trust him totally. He is funny and passionate and intelligent. The sex is great and I love him to bits. But as previous posters have said, I don’t know where this goes. He seems quite happy with it all, and we both like our own space. His ideal is doing his own thing with me nearby. I don’t even know what mine is. We have had “the talk” and he said (we were tipsy) “you always want me to tell you everything will be ok even if it won’t.” He is very good at making time for his own hobbies but as I’m the resident parent I don’t have anything like that amount of free time. He makes plans for the future and they don’t mention me and yet when I’ve pulled him up he looks amazed and says “well of course you’ll be there.” But he doesn’t actually say that in the plans.

I love being at his place because I’m not in mum-mode but it’s very much his domain and I know he wouldn’t like it if I tried to change things. He is particular. He loves his home, he built it and has no wish to change and also his kids are nearby. Mine are at school here so there’s no combining households for the foreseeable.

And yet he goes out of his way to be supportive too. Coming to appointments with the kids - more than their father would do - fixing and building things (he’s a builder) and bringing and making me things. So I don’t know what I’m complaining about.

How do I know if I’m the placeholder for the next woman? How do I know if he’s just marking time? (He was married for 15 years, she ended it, he’s been divorced about 4 years, I think he might have been TOO particular in the end for her and after that there was one short fling. He is no womaniser.)

I sound unhinged when I bring it up and he says “well what do you want me to do?” And I can’t answer! Can someone unravel my shit brain? Thanks!

So much of this thread resonates.
Especially the
DP’s default perspective is ‘I’ rather than ‘we’. I'm pretty drained by it.
This is the nub of it. It was DP who just started using the ‘we’ word and it both thrilled me and scared me at the snare time.

Sorry to resurrect an old thread! At the time this thread was running, me and DP after 3 years living an hour apart, eow and one night a week relationship had decided to try and move in.

We were realistic, but positive and excited. It ended in disaster. We didn't even get to the looking at houses part. Kids specifically on his side had issues, my ex wanting to block school move on my side, probs have to go the legal route. Several other issues. Our relationship started to get really pinched with it. He got so stressed eventually that he said he couldn't carry on or he feared our relationship would hit the rocks before we even got there. It went from a positive move to hell in 4 months.

He wants us to get back to being selfish with our time together and happy. I feel thats naieve to expect after the disaster we've just gone through.

He wants to show commitments in other ways. Joint savings for example. Or something. I feel hollowed out. Was curious specifically @Positivelypatient How you got through the breakdown of your attempt to move in?

The way it all happened, there was some damage done to each of us. I want to get past it. I recognise hes sincere in wanting to find other ways to commit. But I cant help feeling like I cant just go back easily to the eow format.

Also, that was a lovely update OP!

Joint savings?
That seems insane.
Saving up separately for a holiday or experience that makes sense, but joint savings when you don't live together or have any shared bills? Nah.