Post-divorce relationships: How have your partners shown long-term commitment?

[toksvig]

I’m 3.5 years into a relationship with a great guy, both post-divorce, both 50/50 residency with similarly school-aged kids, living apart together. Sadly, I think I’m coming to the end of the line because it’s becoming increasingly apparent that DP can’t offer what I want. I don’t want remarriage (too much financial risk) or cohabitation while the kids are still at school (we live an hour apart) but I do want some firmer plans for our future life together.

I’ve raised various ideas, e.g. a commitment ceremony, a ring, buying a campervan (fits with our common interests), providing space for DCs in each other’s houses so we can spend more time together. However, DP hasn’t bitten at any of these and is instead happy to continue as we are, seeing each other around once a week + holidays. Which leaves me feeling like we’re perpetually dating, and that I’m pushing for more than he wants to give, and so fundamentally incompatible.

As a final sanity-check, I’m looking for examples of how partners have shown commitment when set-ups are less straightforward than a nuclear family. How have your 2nd-time arounders stepped up to show you they’re serious about making a life together? Am I asking too much?

@doggiedazy Yes it seems like grasping at straws. Tbh, its partly bevause the move would, on my side, solve stability. Im a freelancer and I can either be doing great or waiting for invoices and in a panic. Hes a full time worker so it would have meant I didnt have quite as much desperation when waiting for payment. Hes offered 'joint savings' I think to try and solve that issue. Realistically I need to find some form of stable income myself at this point

@supercali77
To be honest it does sound like you need to sort your business cash flow out yourself, you shouldn't need to borrow money from a boyfriend on a regular basis.

@doggiedazy To be clear, I've never borrowed money from him. This is moreso that living together would have made that part less stressful

Hi @supercali77 I did see your update before xmas where you asked me about how things were after my move/non move disaster attempt. Its taken me a while to gather my thoughts on the situation. We're still very much together so that's a plus/relief. Nothing has changed in that respect, we are still eow in the main although now Im self employed with my side hustle (no longer side but main source of income, ) I do have the flexibility to spend more time at DPs if I wish and have done so a few times. Life Is still busy at my house, I have DD home from uni atm and it has been a relief to know that the house will be here for the foreseeable. I also have one of my other DDs temporarily living here after she lost her job and had to move home. My other DD visited b4 xmas too so the house has felt very much full to the brim. I think its relevant to tell you about the comings and goings of my kids as it feeds in to my current mindset about my relationship with DP.

When I last wrote about my situation it was to say that DP wants to work towards getting a static caravan to house his DS's hopefully in the next 12 months. The eldest DS25 has made some noises about getting a place with a friend anyway so that is a possibility now. DS23 still not doing anything, so I wafih from the sidelines with interest on that. For me, i guess i feel a little detached now from the whole moving in together. I'm disappointed that it didn't work but a significant part of me wonders why I ever thought it could work at this stage. I feel I was really naive about the reality of living with his DS'S even though they are nice lads.

To be honest its kind of taken the shine of wanting to live together, his place needs a complete overhaul of decoration/new kitchen etc and it was actually a relief to return to my nice home. The relief is something I still feel even now 3 months later, which does concern me a bit. Maybe when I have a period of time living alone I'll feel differently. But for now my home is busy and quite hectic so I don't really have the headspace to feel lonely.

I've resigned myself (not unhappily) to the next 12 months at least of living apart. If we do get to the point where everything aligns and we can move in together I will be keeping my home as a safety net.

I don't feel like it's been a complete failure, I've started a different path with self employment so although that's been quite scary, so far I'm enjoying the extra freedom its brought me.

How are things with you now? Personally i will not be ever sharing finances with my DP but that's only really because my EXH gambled .

@Positivelypatient Tha ks for the reply, we're remaining LAT for probably a good long while to come. Both our kids are at tricky stages, mine is being assessed for autism and her sensory issues have gotten worse, and his DD is early teen, moving either of them at this stage wouldn't be a good idea and tbh I can't see how it gets easier in the next few years....besides the fact that his dd will get older and tends to prefer staying at her mums so maybe a bit more flexibility where he could come here of an evening sometimes?

Like you I've resigned myself to the idea of living apart, probably for years tbh, but I'm OK with it now. we've decided to start a small business together, its something we can both work on as a side hustle and put aside some savings for holidays.

Sounds like you've come to the best arrangement for you and your girls, living with 2 young men, as lovely as they may be would be tricky. It's basically 4 adults living together and where do your girls fit in with it. So I totally understand your choice

Hello, what a great thread. I’m about eight months in to one of these relationships, with someone who was a close friend before, and I’m just starting to feel some of the things mentioned here: lonely, de facto single, compartmentalised, as though I make it very easy for him.

My question is how long do you think is legitimately dating (as in, as would normally be the beginning)? At what point is it reasonable to get more serious or get out/decide it won’t come? Two years? I’m just wondering how long to give it. I love him, he’s a great communicator, and basically my perfect guy, apart from some of this apart together stuff that at some point we’d need to resolve. What point is that, do you think? Thanks. Btw my kids are mid-age

as in not middle aged, but tennish!!

Well first you kinda need to see if the kids blend well with him and his dc? Does he have dc? We didnt start doing any of that till we were about 18 months in and were very solidly together. Have the 2 of you had a convo about it?

We have met each other’s DC but not discussed blending them. I think we are still in the dating/seeing how it goes bracket. But I wondered when people thought that should end (like people with the issues on this thread). I’m not putting it well, but at what point in a relationship like this did you start looking for more commitment. He has said he views it as a proper relationship, and he hasn’t had many of those.

Meeting the dcs seems like quite a significant move out of the dating category to me, a lot of folk would say thats blending, just the early stages of it. Is it that you feel the discussion about it should happen? Or thinking about a combined future together? Have either of you raised that?

No, it isn’t that I feel anything in my relationship should be different right now, but I am conscious not to waste a lot of time/emotional energy in something that will stay like the relationships described in this thread. I was just wondering at what point people would expect a shift.

Anyway, sorry to hijack the thread!

Its really personal to you tbh, does he seem consistent and committed to the relationship as it stands? Maybe a conversation about where the 2 of you are headed/aims/ideas about the future would help you decide If this is something you want to keep investing in?

Loved the update 😊 I'm recently separated amd from Thursday kids will be with Dad x3 nights a week, I was excited for my new part time life but this thread has been an eye opener. Its a mans dream really isn't it. Low commitment. Its definitely something I'll be wary of and will be prepared to walk if after a couple of years theres no real commitment and integrationof lives. Its just a waste of my time otherwise.

So many typos😳

This thread has been a real eye opener for me, and I’ve had to admit my unhappiness with what many would see as an ‘okay’ relationship - Christmas was a final nail. DP spent Christmas Eve / Day / Boxing Day here with his DCs, it was lovely at the time (as things always are - summer holidays, special occasions, etc where we’re all together for longer periods), but the sense of separateness and loneliness since has been crushing. It hasn’t been helped by the realisation that as much as I’ve brought DP and his DC into my life and my extended family, it’s almost completely one-sided (not even a cup of tea with his parents over the Christmas, etc) - and I feel like a fool.

@gemsandmilk - I was at about the 6-8 month mark when my DP and I started to talk about things we'd like to do in the future, ie hikes, trips together, fun with our respective children. That was a big signal that we were on the same page in terms of the progress of our relationship. At about 10 months we talked about moving in together (he brought it up). At 14 months we tried to buy a house. We didn't succeed but it compelled us to have some good and necessary talks about where we see our relationship going. I am lucky in that we are in very similar stages of life, have similar priorities and expectations. But if I didn't have evidence of progression towards a marriage/living together partnership I would not be satisfied as it would mean either we aren't on the same track or are not meant to be. That's what I want though, many don't.

This has been a really interesting read. I’ve been single for 13yrs since splitting with my ex, largely as my ex has spent most of that overseas or calling into my house constantly which meant I pushed dating completely out of the window. I’ve recently met someone and we are only 2 months in, but both have kids, he has custody which complicates things. My kids are older, 18 and nearly 15 so I don’t need to think about blending families (if we become serious, I think already we both see this as a proper relationship not just a fling). But his kids are much younger, one under 8. I don’t know if I could imagine myself going back to that age again. But I also don’t think it would work long term living apart. I’d say 3yrs would take me to my youngest going to Uni and maybe that’s the point thing would change.

I’m already fed up of seeing him only once a week or less. Not sure how I’ll last 3yrs. Ideally at this stage of my life I’d be dating someone with similar set up, older kids or already left home. But I really like my BF and I guess the next year or so will tell me whether or not I’m prepared to go back to parenting young kids again (or at least living in a household with young kids even if he’s parenting). I definitely couldn’t do more than 3yrs living separately though, that’s got to be tough

This is a very absorbing thread. My DBF is everything, kind, sweet, attentive; when my mum was sick he was there for me, and she died he was so kind and by my side.He has adult children (20s) is divorcing. I feel 6 months in that we are in a relationship and dating but still I feel like a single person. We take each day as it comes seeing each other three times a week. I wouldn't want to re marry but maybe move in together in a few years- he is dealing with ending a 25 year marriage and is concentrating on ending something rather than new beginnings. It's a hard place to be for me as I feel and he acknowledges that there's just something holding him back... it can be exhausting and I feel I am putting way more in emotionally but by the same token I have been in the past with wonderful men who are much more emotionally available but it's not worked out because they just lose interest as quickly as they found it...

Gemsandmilk, I have also asked myself this question - with DP now for 3 years. I wonder how much of it is wanting to solidify something after the pain/hurt/whatever of the previous relationship. Like when I was in my 20s in a relationship with ex DH, there was a clear 'career path', which was moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids. Once one has been round the block as it were, this path is less clear in a second serious relationship. I feel like I'm quite conditioned to want marriage and living together, when I really really think about it, I'm not so sure. I'm happy with DP and I wouldn't expect him to move 200 km to live with me while his son is only 14 and mum lives nearby etc, so I guess it's about what happens about 4 years or so down the line. I followed DH to many countries with many moves, giving up my job each time and finding a new one and I am really not willing to do that again. So I feel like I want all the solidity and socially expected stuff of a relationship but at the same time my boundaries are a bit tougher and because I have kids and he has kids, not as flexible.. Following others' stories with interest!

@choixduroi that’s really interesting, and I think you’re totally right. When I think abstractly about my dp I feel I’d want us to move in, but when I actually think about it I know it’d probably be awful and just not work at all (his ex, his kids, my kids, doing blended parenting).
I think the pull of the ‘career path’ is very strong. I suppose some of those things seem to indicate we’re loved and safe and together (which, as we’ve all had previous breakups we know can not be the case). It’d be interesting to see what happens to these relationships in five, ten years.

Interesting thread.
I’m single again after a 7 year ‘post divorce’ relationship. He was wonderful for the first 5 years and he seemed supportive and involved. My dc loved him. We didn’t live together by choice. He became less supportive when my dc reached awkward teenager stage.
While I had fully welcomed him into my world I slowly realised he hadn’t really integrated me into his world. The last summer we were together I wasn’t invited to a family wedding on his side as his +1. I found out afterwards from the pictures it was a big wedding and not a case of limited space/numbers. I felt like I was inconsequential to his family even though we were a long term couple and it really hurt and opened my eyes. There were other things eg struggling alone when I was ill, but final straw was when I asked him where he saw us going he said he was happy ‘just dating’ and then he didn’t want to spend any of Christmas Day with my family, not even popping in to say hi. We had no plans to do anything together, big or small. I finally realised we weren’t really a couple at all and I was just a long term convenience. It was heart breaking. I adored him but split up with him

It also felt odd that I was effectively alone and single for all areas of life in terms of planning and decisions, but was also with someone/but in a blink and you miss it kind of way. It also felt like the other party got the better end of the deal; a low risk and low commitment set up with regular companionship/sex but with none of the risks of a shared life, and none of the benefits of being a team.
So although it was dressed up as a lot more, it actually did feel like long term dating. The end was so easy in practical terms (nothing to administer, just one small carrier bag of clothes), but very difficult emotionally.

This is an interesting thread I think. These words that @TheJourneyAhead said really resonated with me. I ended a 4/5 year post-divorce relationship last year. Actually I had no issue with the commitment that my then dp had - he did talk about moving in and probably would have done, but it was the feeling that we weren't a team. That I was fulfilling his needs but he wasn't taking on any of the burden of supporting me. I was still a single parent juggling everything with the additional responsibilities of keeping him happy too. He wanted to go on holidays, dates, drink cocktails, do fun things, have loads of sex - and it was great - he was lovely (and the sex was great). But I needed more. I needed to feel supported and I didn't. I was still, essentially, alone.

@HelenHywater or anyone else who broke one of these relationships up, did your (now) ex-partner understand, or try and win you back, or promise more when they faced losing you?

I wonder if some of the disparity in these relationships comes from the fact that even if the man has kids he is so well supported in raising them by his ex compared to how many ex-men are that the scale are really unbalanced, even though it may superficially look like you’re both divorced with kids.

Sorry Jinglehop, that must have been hard. My feeling on the subject is that the age of the children is less relevant than some posters might think. My bf is mid 50s, his children in their 20s. He spent 25 years in a marriage and doesn't want a de facto marriage. I agree with many posters here, theoretically it sounds great to meet someone, have a commitment and move in together. The reality less so. We both have our own property, I have a great well paying job, he earns a great deal more but there's absolutely no way I would want shared finances, there's no need and neither of us would question that. My issue is that I feel like the time we have together is fantastic, he makes time for me, cooks, takes care of me but something is lacking, I just don't really feel like part of his life. It's 6 months in and we see each other 2/3 times a week, the odd weekend away, I feel in my 50s it's really hard to meet a decent guy and he is lovely so I am going along with it for now.