Post-divorce relationships: How have your partners shown long-term commitment?

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I’m 3.5 years into a relationship with a great guy, both post-divorce, both 50/50 residency with similarly school-aged kids, living apart together. Sadly, I think I’m coming to the end of the line because it’s becoming increasingly apparent that DP can’t offer what I want. I don’t want remarriage (too much financial risk) or cohabitation while the kids are still at school (we live an hour apart) but I do want some firmer plans for our future life together.

I’ve raised various ideas, e.g. a commitment ceremony, a ring, buying a campervan (fits with our common interests), providing space for DCs in each other’s houses so we can spend more time together. However, DP hasn’t bitten at any of these and is instead happy to continue as we are, seeing each other around once a week + holidays. Which leaves me feeling like we’re perpetually dating, and that I’m pushing for more than he wants to give, and so fundamentally incompatible.

As a final sanity-check, I’m looking for examples of how partners have shown commitment when set-ups are less straightforward than a nuclear family. How have your 2nd-time arounders stepped up to show you they’re serious about making a life together? Am I asking too much?

Yes, I think part of it with mine is that it makes me always feel like we’re having a kind of affair — exactly because I’m not in the main bit of his life. And that’s not a feeling that sits easily with me.

I completely understand this comment. I don't quite understand but I sorry of do....I have a very good male friend who is in a relationship but no one knows and he has been separated 4 years no plans to get a divorce but feels it will upset the apple cart with the wider family.

Do you share long term plans and have a social life and time with your families together? That was what was missing for me and why I was unhappy with ‘just dating’ and split up with my ex. It’s what I will be looking for in any new relationship, when I am ready to try dating again. I don’t necessarily want to live with someone, but I do want a shared life.

I think it comes down to age a little too... The mid age divorced men I know seem to want a taste of freedom with a sex and intimacy but not a full blown relationship with future plans. For me I want the feeling of love and support but not necessarily big plans for the future...that might not suit everyone and on a few years I might want more but I enjoy being in a relationship and it's actually hard to find a guy in later life that ticks all the boxes...

Yes. I’m 40, so I suppose I wonder if I ought to have another go at ‘doing it properly’ - but I do have two kids. Tricky.

I think there is something to this. Even though I am happy in my relationship with my DP, there is a difference in the burden of single parenting on us. His ex wife does far more than my ex does and his parents help him out a lot. His kids also just don't take him for granted as a cook, cleaner, carer, that mine do. I also now as the eldest daughter and the "responsible one" have caring responsibilities for my elderly relatives that he doesn't have. So I think I would benefit from a marriage like arrangement more than him at least just in terms of daily burden. Luckily he wants that too but I can see how in other post-divorce couples this becomes a wedge between them.

I have found this thread really useful. A lot of what a few people have written really struck home with me.
I'm 3.5 years into a part time relationship. The fun factor is beginning to well & truly wear off. Where as at first it was fun & free, I now feel as if I'm being used as the fall back guy. Lots to think about. Hard when we do actually see each other we generally have fun. Maybe it's because my kids are pretty much independent & I want more?

Just got directed to this thread from another one and wanted to thank all of you for such an insightful and thoughtful discussion. And congratulations, OP, on an amazing update!

DP and I have been together for 6 years - we live apart. He's a lone parent to a 17 year old son, and they live together 30 minutes away. I don't have kids, and don't think I want them. DP works nights, I work days.

We have very few shared interests, very few things we do together, other than go for lunch every now and again, or spend time at one another's homes (if we spend the night together it's always me there as he doesn't want to leave his DS home alone). I can't remember the last time we had sex.

All that said, he's a wonderful, lovely, good-hearted man. He's funny and sweet and he really, truly loves me. But we're so, so different – he's very practical and 'loves me' by wanting to do practical things for me, which I don't need. I need a deep emotional connection and it feels really hard to get that from him. The kinds of conversations and dreams I want to have with a partner just feel really hard to get to with him.

I'm in a stronger financial position than him by quite a way, so thinking about buying a property together or making plans for the future feels really hard. I'm finding myself making plans for myself (because I can't NOT think about the future) and he supports me in them 100%, but his future and mine feel fundamentally separate.

It's particularly hard because a) I live in his country and if I'm honest am here largely because of him, and b) I do really care about him. It would be so much easier if he were a horrible person, but he's not. He's solid and kind and warm and caring. I'm scared of being alone and never finding that again.

I have plans to talk to him about all this in the next few days, and I know he'll be open to hearing it and will want to take steps to remedy it – and that's scary, too. Because on some level, if he were to say 'let's move in together, then', I don't think I'd want to. I don't want to live with him and his son (his son is lovely, I just don't want to live with the two of them – I always feel like a third wheel). And I'm not really sure it would be better – I worry that I'd give up my lovely house that I'm so lucky to have and continue feeling lonely in my relationship, just in the same house this time.

Is it worth trying? Is it worth putting in a last-ditch effort to make it work, since he is such a good man (and I know how rare those are)? Am I fantasising about a relationship that isn't real, and I should invest in what I've got?

Really struggling with all of this at the moment, and just writing it down has helped. But any advice anyone has would be so welcome.

So happy found this thread! Need more time to continue to read all but in very similar situation... 50min drive apart, both with 2 kids (16/13 and 13/10), see each other only when nothing else re kids or work is happening... Been dating more steadily for 7 months (though started seeing each other 1,5year ago), havent even introduced families as both still careful with exs and kids feelimgs... schedule is super difficult and I feel like time with him is totally disengaged from real life. It's fun and was hot and an adventure in the beginning but I want a companion even if dont want marriage/cohabitation yet (too complicated with kids, one of us would see kids a lot less and we aren't ready for it)... anyway don't know what to make of it yet but so good to hear everyone else's stories.

@travelingtortoise might be worth starting your own thread (or have you already?)
You've moved to another country, largely to be with him, but you don't want to live with him because you would feel excluded. You have little sex and don't bond with him emotionally or have satisfying conversations, and you have no shared interests or anything you like doing together. The plus is that he's a pleasant man. You think you are unlikely to find a pleasant man that you also get on with well.
Why are you so afraid of being alone? If you went back to your own country, would you have friends there?

@travelingtortoise Would it be fair to summarise that he is a good person, but not your person?

If so, then do with that as you will ...

Interested to know how you are all getting on with your other halves? Reading your posts it seems ever clearer to me that building an actual life and future with someone the second time around is not that easy.. In my pessimistic moments I've started to believe that we humans are made to bond deeply early in life and just can't really do it in later life, e.g. your old friends, however annoying, are still your friends, you still have a deep connection with them and although you can make new friends, it's hard to get deep with them. I worry it's the same with intimate relationships. In my optimistic moments I think no, the second relationship can be an amazing opportunity and chance to grow and love better, and at least second time around couples seem a bit happier. DP and I always nudge each other when we see a happy looking couple over 40 (e.g. holding hands) and hiss 'second marriage'. With those that are at the 3-4 year mark (I am), what direction do you feel it's going?

Such an interesting thread, I wish I had found it 12 months ago. I was in a similar post-divorce relationship for 5 or so years. We lived very close to each other so spent a lot of time together in the evenings and free weekends etc. we both have kids and did days out, holidays and so on. Met each others families, spent time with each other’s friends and so on. I did feel there was something missing though and other posters have managed to describe what I couldn’t articulate properly- that feeling of being single when it came to big decisions, finances, planning, etc. I wanted some sense of a future commitment but didn’t know what that looked like. In the end though my arrangement with my exh changed and I ended up having my kids almost full time. My partner found it too hard not having child free time with me and ended it. I was absolutely heartbroken and still am tbh, but this thread has made me re-think the whole situation from a different perspective.

I really think that’s interesting what you’ve said @choixduroi about only being able to properly bond when you’re younger. I am in one of these relationships and feel like everyone else on this thread. My thoughts often turn to the first boy I fell in love with, in line with your theory. The deep connection and feeling that is hard to get ‘second time around’.

I’ve been in my ‘mature’ relationship for the last two years and I’m coming to the conclusion that although it’s nice to have fun trips and weekends together, and even support each other in time of need, what’s missing is truly going through life together. Making a commitment to it through moving in, prioritising your relationship needs, just really being together. My partner loves me but he’s never ‘fully in’ and I don’t think he ever will. As such, I am detaching more and more from him.

Yes, I’ve detached too.

‘Detaching’ is exactly how I’d describe my current state of mind, too.
Been with BF for four years - we were friends for a while before that.
Each have two children - mine are with me 100%, his eldest (older teen) lives with him full time, younger DS he has 2-3 nights a week.
Fundamentally, the relationship is great - we have fun just the two of us, with our DCs in various groupings / all together. We’ve done celebrations and holidays as a blended group.
However. We rarely spend a night together otherwise. BF can’t/ won’t talk about any future plans and I’m much less integrated into his life than he is in mine.
I’ve raised several of the same sort of issues mentioned by PPs at various times, to no avail.
A big change has recently happened in my life which means making some big decisions. I am alone in making them.
If I chose one path, our relationship will end. If I chose another, we could potentially carry on bumbling along for as long as I can stand it. Currently leaning towards option one, but I know that I won’t be able to bring myself to begin another relationship again. It’s all too hard and sad 😔

An update from me- in June my DP proposed and I said yes. We had talked about marriage before so we both knew it was what we ultimately wanted. He is very keen to get married and initially we were talking about next summer. We don't live together though and I really feel I want to live with my husband! But we can't find a suitable house to buy and honestly, I love my current house and don't want to sell it. So we have put off the wedding planning for another year.

Although I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and I have no doubt he is totally committed to me, I have a nagging feeling that marriage is a trap or at best an added complication and source of stress that I really can't face on top of my existing commitments (children, full time job, house, aging family, etc). I guess this is a hang over from my terrible first marriage which resulted in me doing absolutely everything all the time to compensate for my under functioning and depressed husband. But I would like to get over it and so have started counselling.

So I kind of have the opposite situation to many on this thread in that my DP is raring to commit and shows me this in a myriad of lovely ways but I am feeling confused and uneasy. I am aware that putting things like weddings on hold indefinitely can lead to a kind of paralysis and I really want to avoid that so something will have to change eventually.

I'm not sure that it is impossible to bond deeply when you are mature adults but I think that bonding while young thing is partly due to the fact that you have no clue how complicated and difficult life can be so you give over more of yourself to the other person. And then over time things become ingrained. Harder to do when you are already 50 and fully chiselled!

@gemsandmilk @Almostthere1 and @Bimbimmer , I feel very similar. @asquideatingdough I also worry about marriage mainly because of having way more assets (what a mean thing to think but after one divorce I'm worried about my kids' inheritance, having seen how people can unfortunately behave in families). My DP lives a 2 hour train or 2.5 drive away, we see each other every other weekend when we don't have our respective kids (he has a 14 yr DS, I have 16 yr DS and 14 yr DD), we have holidays etc and talk multiple times a day. But it's not a full life together. He is very rooted where he lives with a good circle of friends although he has said he would move to be with me when his son is older. I moved about 8 times internationally with my ex husband and although I'm not from the European country I'm in now, have been here 12 years and have citizenship and am very reluctant to move to his smaller city where I couldn't work (he could work in mine but would have to switch jobs). I do a lot of stuff like improv and have a good social life, but I am a real 'couple' person and like being part of a proper couple. Also I do not want to blend the kids and there is not really long to go before they're gone, our little family unit works well. I don't want to have endless conversations of what could happen in eg 4 years but on the other hand I don't want to be like Miss Marple and Mr Stringer, reaching pensionable age and still not living together. Sorry this is a long rant. Maybe it is still worth having an approximate moving together date. It feels mean and selfish to say, basically you have to move to me, but that is more or less what I do feel.

@choixduroi I think you should say what you want and see what he says. You don't have to make it an ultimatum. It doesn't sound like you spend much time together at the moment so along with the job situation I can see how moving plus blending families is a big "ask". How do you think your children would take moving in together?

I am afraid that once we are married we will slip into roles where I do the majority of the household chores and life admin and he does the things he is better at but do not create a daily grind. I know you can work to ensure that doesn't happen but then why do the work? Why not just stay independent? My problem is at the moment the word "wife" makes me think "slave". (This goes for living together but unmarried as well, it's the domestic set up generally.)

@asquideatingdough yes, I think it's so hard to get out of the pattern one has had while married. You find yourself responding the way you did in the marriage, and then you have to shake yourself and remind yourself that this is a different person and different situation. Esp if married a while (we were married 15 years and together 20). I guess the point of doing the 'work' on figuring out what you want from a new marriage is simply that it is work towards being even happier than you would be alone (hopefully) and that the whole thing is something enriching worth working for. Again something I think when you're older it's hard to be THAT bothered to do, oh dear! The thing is that in some ways, particularly with kids still at home, a part time relationship works well, since as you say, there is enough stress in different areas already. His son is a nice boy but I can only just cope with 2 teenagers in the house! And I have to say I do enjoy the weeks when the kids are with their Dad, (we do 1 week on, 1 off), and I can literally maunge about my place doing exactly what I want, or go out, go to the gym, and not cook. I feel like the sweet spot when we will have more time for each other and maybe get married is likely when the kids leave home and I think we have enough gas in the tank to wait for moving in together and enjoying our weekends til then. It's hard to let go of old expectations of the trajectory of a relationship and just enjoy it for what it is.. Are your kids soon to move out or still small?

I also quite like the idea of a prolonged engagement!!

@choixduroi our two youngest are 10 and 11 so there's a very long way to go until we are child free! I don't want to put the development of our lives together on hold for 8-10 years. My DP also loves kids and family time so he is looking forward to having a blended family. I am much more of a loner and although I am very fond of his children and they get along extremely well with mine, I find it daunting particularly when I contemplate having 5 teenagers in the house all at once (yes, really!)

Yeah, it does sound quite full on, basically you are launching into a new, possibly busier, hopefully even more rewarding life but I can understand you having slightly cold feet. It's a real new beginning. Due to the current geographical distance and both being tied to ex partner via kids in our respective locations, I won't have this full new start (which makes me sad and impatient at times), but on the other hand after years of family life and turning out endless meals and the grind, my one week on, one week off is actually not bad and living alone (for the first time ever), is pretty cool in a way, although not having someone to come home to. It sounds like a good idea you having counselling just to get mentally prepared in a positive way and making the 'wife' thing something refashioned into something that suits you and not slave-like..