Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

Raise your standards. He is not a nice man, you have just been putting up with his unkindness for years. Why do you think have you, by the way? Making excuses for why he is being rude etc? Hope stuff works out. Please get a job part time. I speak from experience.

This would make my skin crawl. You're in a vulnerable position with a young child, which is why you're hesitating now to call him on this. Before you had your baby, would you have put up with this shite? I highly doubt it.

I think it's important you get back to that version of yourself that wouldn't have taken this shit. I also agree that you shouldn't marry him.

'5 year plan'... What a moron 🤦‍♀️

You say an argument was your catalyst for looming at his phone - so what exactly was the argument about? I ask, because I suspect something in your subconscious sounded an alarm and you went looking for proof of... what?

Anyway. There is banter and even banter that crosses a line. But the specific "i have a 5 year plan" thing sounds too oddly specific. I think he wasn't joking there, he genuinely isn't planning to be with you once he's got whatever he wants from you.

Absolutely, this.

I am no expert but would suggest that you don’t mention what you have seen. Instead, talk to him about feeling sensitive at the moment and ask him to be more considerate towards you, especially your looks. His response and whether he does as you ask may help you decide on what to do next. If he continues with the ‘banter’ then he is showing you that he has no respect for you and your feelings.

He sounds tediously immature and a bit thick really. OP you sound really intelligent and interesting - why would you choose / want to be with someone like this?

The constant ‘jokey’ put-downs would have driven me to end things long ago - it’s juvenile and emotionally draining.

Why have you not had a night out with friends in 18 months?? OP it sounds like you've totally lost yourself. Get back on track and dump this loser.

Oh op. What does this mean? The first step should be to challenge him. It reads like you think the first step is to get back to looking like you used to, please tell me that’s not what you mean?

amd it’s not banter. Banter is “aye I love an older woman” or some such. Not “I’m leaving her”.

you need to talk to him, the answer is not to seek eternal youth. That’s a fight you can never ever win.

@dreamingbohemian baby has never slept through the night and I'm failing at weaning him off the boob (which is his comfort) I fear if I go out he won't settle if he wakes up and I'll have to come home anyway. I wouldn't relax, so just hoping one day soon he will start to sleep through.

I just don't get why it's okay to say to a man he is 'punching' yet imagine saying it to a woman? OP you also sound a bit like you think he's beneath you in terms of him being lesser looking. Maybe he has a doing this to try and make you feel insecure like you do him? It all sounds pretty toxic and childish and ultimately you don't sound suited at all

I’m sorry OP, that’s really upsetting. He sounds like he’s constantly putting you down and trying to damage your confidence, that’s awful. Of course your figure has changed, you’ve had a baby! Of course you will look less attractive as you age, we all do! He shouldn’t be making negative remarks about you at all, ever.

I would aim for a loooooong engagement while you think about all this.

“I’ve got a 5 year plan” could possibly be some in joke between him and his friend, but he might also be totally serious. Why 5 years? You were in corporate finance and are good enough that they left the door open to come back even after a baby - I’m guessing your salary is extremely good. Higher than his? If you marry him and divorce in 5 years, is he going to be claiming against your high future income?

He married someone much better looking and I’m guessing much wealthier than him, who he now wants to marry even though he’s being unpleasant, hmmmm.

I think you need to clear the air. Don’t say you saw the message (of it was serious he’ll just lie anyway), say that you’re fed up of him making constant negative remarks about your appearance and age, that it’s totally unacceptable and if this is what he’s like during the engagement the marriage won’t be much to look forward to and you aren’t ready to set a date yet.

If you earn significantly more than him, I suggest you don’t marry him. Got a bad feeling about this.

@Boredsoentertainme I just don't think I have it in me atm to deal with a huge argument (because there will be one)

"Get a one year plan to redress the power balance - go out, dress up, get a job, feel like you again,"

Whether you decide to go, stay forever or stay for now to see the lie of the land, this is a good idea. And also an interesting experiment. If he's supportive of you looking and feeling great and strengthening your own financial independence again, ok good. If he starts sabotaging and negging- stuffing you full of carbs, complaining about any time or money you spend on hair/makeup/new clothes/ exercise etc, making snide remarks about mutton dressed as lamb, silk purse out of a sow's ear etc....well get your ducks in a row, aim and fire.

OP, you simply must get back to work. Thankfully, it sounds like this is an option. Get in touch with your previous company, get back to work full time. I know you love being with your baby, but this is serious stuff.

Even if your partner was not in the habit of engaging in vile "banter" over the phone and elsewhere, stay at home mothers who are not married are making themselves financially very vulnerable. Please have a read through this webpage. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Start getting your ducks in a row before it's too late. You need to get back to work and get your pensions and assets sorted out. Childcare and cleaning bills etc. need to be coming out out of both salaries, ditto day to day expenses; get this in order before you say anything about the phone. Have a think about your assets and pension, savings accounts and so on. I'm not in the UK, but others here may have more specific advice. Try searching for "unmarried SAHM" etc. on Mumsnet to get more advice.

Don't tell him what you saw on his phone, not yet. Not because it was wrong to look at his phone (his shitty behavior before this was more than sufficient justification, IMO). But because by not showing your hand now, you can buy yourself time to get your stuff sorted out to your advantage. Screenshot what you saw today; if possible, find a way to go through his phone etc again and find other stuff to screenshot.

The problem is that you can't, 'unsee the message,' and if you continue to make plans secretly, it all becomes really grubby.

Not sure entirely about the details about the message whether It came up as a notification or you did a deep dive into his messages, but either way, the bigger question is what his intentions are, which you are only going to know if you talk to him. If he grabs onto his entitlement to his privacy rather than your feelings, then that's all you need to know in terms of his priorities.

However, the only other thing that you should keep an open mind about is any, 'private jokes,' about a 5 year plan - where I work, one of the managers is forever banging on about, '5 year plans,' in personal development reviews to such an extent that it's a joke with the team.

I just don't think I have it in me atm to deal with a huge argument (because there will be one)

This, and you haven't had an evening out in 18mo? My God, he's bloody trodden you down, by the sound of it! Yes, there will be a huge row when all this comes out, but the MN contingent will have your back. You can do this, OP! First step is to make moves towards getting back to work.

‘Ok, so he always comments on my nose, lately my hair needing to be coloured more frequently (greys coming through) my thighs being bigger now. General comments on my clothes’

Dump the piece of shit. Your kid will think this loser is normal, or acceptable if you make her live with him.

No argument needed. Tell him he’s dumped, and to communicate with you by text or email about contact with his kid. Don’t engage in any baiting to fight, decline it.

The problem is that you can't, 'unsee the message,' and if you continue to make plans secretly, it all becomes really grubby.
However, the only other thing that you should keep an open mind about is any, 'private jokes,' about a 5 year plan - where I work, one of the managers is forever banging on about, '5 year plans,' in personal development reviews to such an extent that it's a joke with the team.

It's not grubby or secretive for the OP to start getting back to work, doing things for herself and getting out of what sounds like a bit of a rut. And if she is unmarried, it's a very good idea for her to get back to work fulltime anyway. See previous links about marital rights for unmarried vs cohabiting mothers. The fact that they've been together for eight years and had a child without him wanting to marry her speaks volumes to me; men like this are usually very weakly committed IME.

Your only 8years older than him ffs thats nothing. He was behaving like a plank and I'm sure you still look fabulous. Take the baby out get your hair done put your face on and sod the ungrateful git. Do it for you. Ask him outright if he is happy with the relationship, just say I dont want you waiting 5years then moving on to pastures new.

He’s abusive, my ex was 7 years younger than me and as soon as I had our child he was the same. He got more misogynistic as time went on. I left him but still coparent and he hasn’t changed. He made me feel very insecure and I was glad to be rid of him.

How many negative comments have you made about his appearance, like ever? I bet you haven't. I haven't made personal remarks about my DH's looks unless it is appreciative and positive. I think I would hate myself if I made cutting comments that hurt another person's feelings, even if I were annoyed at them for any reason. I don't want the people I love to feel bad about themselves (especially over trivial aspects like their looks), how can he repeatedly do this without feeling a louse? Because he is a louse, especially since you've had a baby - a known factor for causing major changes to a woman's body - and anyone might be feeling very sensitive about that.

You can do better than this guy. Even being single is better than being with someone who drags your spirits down when they should be raising you up. You deserve nothing less frankly.

Op, you are going to have speak to him sooner or later, and the longer you leave it the more worried and insecure you are going to feel, and consequently the harder it's going to be.

He is a nasty, unkind, immature little man, and you can do much better. 🌺

I thought this too. Do you honestly even like him anymore OP? DH and I insult each other a lot but we know where the line is. I'm a few years older than him and I'd be so upset if this was said about me.

Looming at his phone - what a great word! Making me chuckle- so appropriate - but life is tooooo short to put up with his shite - get shot of him!

You poor thing. What an absolutely terrible thing to read. Having a baby can leave you feeling terribly vulnerable, especially when you let other things (like general self-care) take a back seat which is completely normal and natural......although I'm still blaming my rather ample backside on 'baby weight' and my youngest is nearly six 🤔It sounds to me that he is immature, may have had you on a bit of a pedestal and now that he has seen you vulnerable then there is an element of 'pay back' and the power dynamic is seemingly shifting in his favour, from his perspective, which it isn't. As hard and all as it is I wouldn't say anything for now. If this was an isolated shitty text then I'd be furious but the fact that he has become denigrating in his behaviour towards you and making 'joke' jibes re your thighs, hair colour or appearance to me is a big red flag. I'd concentrate on you and your baby's well being for now. Invoke the help of a sleep/weaning consultant to help with reducing boob time, spend time with your loved ones (family and friends), get back exercising to boost seretonin and work on your own 1-2 year plan and envisaging a life without him. Not being fatalistic here but I'd be making sure that I'm feathering my own nest and planning my future in the event that you decide to split. I'd also be telling him in no uncertain terms that his jokes about your age or appearance aren't in any way acceptable. It will all work out. 💞