Final nail in the coffin

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Feel free to read my other threads if you wish so you have some idea of my situation. Threads I'm so ashamed of but at this point in time they are my reality...

My background is that I've been I this relationship for a very very long time and since had 2 kids who are 3 & 4. It's been very controlling and abusive and my head is always in a spin due to walking on eggshells, watching what I say and who I speak to etc. Even down to how I dress has been eroded. Something was too see through (because it was a white tshirt and you could see the track or shape of my bra, or my sports leggings were too see through and you could see the shape of my bum) I threw them all in the bin, I stopped talking or communicating with people he didn't want me to speak to. When we have a row he turned it into a war and anytime I need to express something to him that is upsetting me he would throw things up from 10+ yrs ago insulting and belittling me that the thing I was originally talking about was insignificant and I'm just wrong, in the wrong or doing something wrong to slight him (in his opinion)
I'm unable to freely visit my parents with my kids without his presence. I'm a sahm with no job (cause I might cheat on him) so I've no money of my own and whatever he makes he clearly states how hard he worked for it whilst I look after the kids and the home. I cant seem to do anything right.

so this morning I woke up and had a bit of a meltdown as my mental health has obviously declined and some days I struggle. I had a meltdown over the kids getting their hands on ketchup and decorating the walls and the carpet whilst he was supposed to be looking after them (but he was asleep instead) we originally had plans to take the kids away for the day. But because I lost it at the situation this morning he decided to call of the day trip as punishment to me. I was gutted, the kids were gutted so I promised them I'd take them to a park etc which he then decided he'd hit the vodka and took himself out of the house after giving me a mouthful and basically telling me what a shit mother I am.

Decided after the park I didn't want to go home and be alone thinking about everything so I went to my sisters who advised me I need to leave this abusive relationship. They aren't aware that this last yr there have been at least 3 occasions he has got violent. He hasn't hit me but he has taken me by the throat and ive been pinned to the stairs by my arms which left bruises. I sent my kids to a certain school just to save myself dealing with accusations everyday and that still wasn't enough because simply saying hello to one of the fathers down there (because our kids have become best friends) means "I'm easy" "I'm giving the wrong impression" "ill break up his marriage and will have to deal with his wife" just because I said a simple hello back to another man. That's it... Hello.

Anyway after being at my sisters and receiving some lovely messages from him I went home to put my kids to bed. He arrived home, took my bank card without my knowledge and went and bought cocaine and alcohol and hasn't returned home since. Just the odd very hateful messages which I've not responded to and now as I'm actually writing this he's messaged to say he's about to shag another another woman.

I'm so broken right now but I've decided it's the final nail in the coffin. I'm broken that I'm breaking up my family especially as I grew up without my dad. My fearful of everything now as I've been isolated for so long. I've no friends to turn to, I've no income especially now with living costs rising and I've 2 small children with birthdays and Christmas coming up. I'm angry at myself for not listening to others years ago and leaving. I'm angry that since the birth of my kids (which took me almost 10 yrs) I've been a broken mother instead of the mother I thought I'd be to them.

please please give me some support to help me keep true to my word tonight. I really need it because he's worn me down so much and turned everything round on me throughout the yrs and told me I'm the abusive one (cause I haven't wanted to have sex very much with him so I'm withholding sex he says) rather than understanding he's broken me and hurt me that I don't want to sleep with him.

I'm so afraid of bring a single mum with absolutely nothing and I know my name will be blackened by him. All I did was fall in love with someone who has tore me apart yet made me feel that I'm to blame for his paranoia.

I'm in bed sobbing my heart out knowing he's with someone else. Please someone help me find my anger and backbone because I don't have much but I'm a good hearted person and deserve so much more than this agony

@Creepymanonagoatfarm whether he smokes weed is really of no consequence at this stage. No amount of potential reasons or excuses help the OP right now. He's had her up against the wall by her throat in front her children numerous times, along with who knows what other abusive behaviour and she needs to get her and her kids away from this dangerous man. Not muddy the waters over what's caused it, it's not the point.

UC will be able to give you an advance which you can pay back monthly to help you through the week wait. You can't get that in place until he's off the tenancy and out of the house. They'll just still view you as living together otherwise.

I don't know if it's still the same, but years ago it used to be that the benefits people might conduct an assessment to check people were living separately in the same house i.e. have your food on separate shelves, cupboards etc.

Some people have someone living with them who's not their partner, such as a house/flat mate, and they would get universal credit as individuals, so it can be done.

They did but I think because some people started to claim they were separated in order to get more benefits they've made this a lot harder to do. When ex left the first time I wasn't on any benefits but I was interrogated by the council when I tried to take his name off the bill. They obviously didn't want to apply the single person discount. I gave them the crime reference number as he'd been removed by police that time too.
The longer he's staying there the harder it's going to be to get money in place so it's best he leave now if he's actually planning on it. I don't think he is, I don't think he's even arranged anything with housing. Probably given the name of the agent who moved them in because he remembered the name and wanted to make his lie more believable.

I can help with UC advise. Tell them you have contacted woman’s aid and you are ending a relationship because of domestic violence. You need to say it to them in as many words because they can flag this on your account. It means that they wont just accept it if he phones and makes a joint claim which would cancel your claim and they won’t allow him any access to your information. Obviously he’ll know your usual information and kids birthdays etc. but UC are used to this situation, (remember I said before no one official cares if your a single parent, there are NO negative connotations).

UC isn’t a flawless system but there are systems in place to protect you. It’s not unusual for single claims to be set up before people are living separately and, yes, if they get reports 2 years down the line that you are still living together they might ask for evidence but not straight off the bat. You will get an advance to cover until the first payment (you might find out you have more than he was allowing you to have).

first day of school is a celebration, he will not be the only kiddo with just one parent there, but that’s his family! This is all positive, you are heading to a better future.

You okay OP? Xxx

Hi OP, I just wanted to add my support to all the others.

What you are going through now is probably the worst it will ever get. Once he physically leaves (I hope he does) I think you will start feeling safer and that will lead to a little more peace.

I feel I understand a little if the mindfuck you have been through. I recently have agreed to divorce my STBX of 34years of marriage plus 8 living together. I had been trained by him from very early to never nag him or be needy. His behaviour is nowhere as bad as your partner. I was not allowed to complain about any of his behaviour and if I did, he always told me it was my fault. For all these years my heart/guts have been telling me one thing, and my head another. I no longer used to know what I did think.

Although I wanted to leave, I first asked for relationship counselling. I was still too intimated to ask for what I really wanted. He refused, agreed and refused again. Suggested we separate only and when I argued on another point said he wanted a divorce. That is fine with me, but even now I feel I have to let him make the decision first.

The best thing I did was to see a clinical chartered psychologist. She had validated all my feelings and now my head and heart agree with each other. I know I am very lucky I could afford this.

I have spent the past few months with a permanent sick stomach. Now I am just angry. I’m angry at him for all the times he ‘played’ me and at me for letting him.

I suspect you might go through this as well. I would urge you to accept this as just a stage you must go through. Maybe a bit like a pregnancy, you just have to endure because the outcome will set you free.

Have trust in the people around you and the authorities. May I wish you the strength to get through this. Best of luck.

How you are op did you get the support help you needed. Similar situation looking at your post but more drugs involved

I'm broken that I'm breaking up my family

You're not breaking up your family, you and the kids and your wider family; are your family.

And you haven't destroyed your "family"; he has.