Feel free to read my other threads if you wish so you have some idea of my situation. Threads I'm so ashamed of but at this point in time they are my reality...
My background is that I've been I this relationship for a very very long time and since had 2 kids who are 3 & 4. It's been very controlling and abusive and my head is always in a spin due to walking on eggshells, watching what I say and who I speak to etc. Even down to how I dress has been eroded. Something was too see through (because it was a white tshirt and you could see the track or shape of my bra, or my sports leggings were too see through and you could see the shape of my bum) I threw them all in the bin, I stopped talking or communicating with people he didn't want me to speak to. When we have a row he turned it into a war and anytime I need to express something to him that is upsetting me he would throw things up from 10+ yrs ago insulting and belittling me that the thing I was originally talking about was insignificant and I'm just wrong, in the wrong or doing something wrong to slight him (in his opinion)
I'm unable to freely visit my parents with my kids without his presence. I'm a sahm with no job (cause I might cheat on him) so I've no money of my own and whatever he makes he clearly states how hard he worked for it whilst I look after the kids and the home. I cant seem to do anything right.
so this morning I woke up and had a bit of a meltdown as my mental health has obviously declined and some days I struggle. I had a meltdown over the kids getting their hands on ketchup and decorating the walls and the carpet whilst he was supposed to be looking after them (but he was asleep instead) we originally had plans to take the kids away for the day. But because I lost it at the situation this morning he decided to call of the day trip as punishment to me. I was gutted, the kids were gutted so I promised them I'd take them to a park etc which he then decided he'd hit the vodka and took himself out of the house after giving me a mouthful and basically telling me what a shit mother I am.
Decided after the park I didn't want to go home and be alone thinking about everything so I went to my sisters who advised me I need to leave this abusive relationship. They aren't aware that this last yr there have been at least 3 occasions he has got violent. He hasn't hit me but he has taken me by the throat and ive been pinned to the stairs by my arms which left bruises. I sent my kids to a certain school just to save myself dealing with accusations everyday and that still wasn't enough because simply saying hello to one of the fathers down there (because our kids have become best friends) means "I'm easy" "I'm giving the wrong impression" "ill break up his marriage and will have to deal with his wife" just because I said a simple hello back to another man. That's it... Hello.
Anyway after being at my sisters and receiving some lovely messages from him I went home to put my kids to bed. He arrived home, took my bank card without my knowledge and went and bought cocaine and alcohol and hasn't returned home since. Just the odd very hateful messages which I've not responded to and now as I'm actually writing this he's messaged to say he's about to shag another another woman.
I'm so broken right now but I've decided it's the final nail in the coffin. I'm broken that I'm breaking up my family especially as I grew up without my dad. My fearful of everything now as I've been isolated for so long. I've no friends to turn to, I've no income especially now with living costs rising and I've 2 small children with birthdays and Christmas coming up. I'm angry at myself for not listening to others years ago and leaving. I'm angry that since the birth of my kids (which took me almost 10 yrs) I've been a broken mother instead of the mother I thought I'd be to them.
please please give me some support to help me keep true to my word tonight. I really need it because he's worn me down so much and turned everything round on me throughout the yrs and told me I'm the abusive one (cause I haven't wanted to have sex very much with him so I'm withholding sex he says) rather than understanding he's broken me and hurt me that I don't want to sleep with him.
I'm so afraid of bring a single mum with absolutely nothing and I know my name will be blackened by him. All I did was fall in love with someone who has tore me apart yet made me feel that I'm to blame for his paranoia.
I'm in bed sobbing my heart out knowing he's with someone else. Please someone help me find my anger and backbone because I don't have much but I'm a good hearted person and deserve so much more than this agony