Final nail in the coffin

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Feel free to read my other threads if you wish so you have some idea of my situation. Threads I'm so ashamed of but at this point in time they are my reality...

My background is that I've been I this relationship for a very very long time and since had 2 kids who are 3 & 4. It's been very controlling and abusive and my head is always in a spin due to walking on eggshells, watching what I say and who I speak to etc. Even down to how I dress has been eroded. Something was too see through (because it was a white tshirt and you could see the track or shape of my bra, or my sports leggings were too see through and you could see the shape of my bum) I threw them all in the bin, I stopped talking or communicating with people he didn't want me to speak to. When we have a row he turned it into a war and anytime I need to express something to him that is upsetting me he would throw things up from 10+ yrs ago insulting and belittling me that the thing I was originally talking about was insignificant and I'm just wrong, in the wrong or doing something wrong to slight him (in his opinion)
I'm unable to freely visit my parents with my kids without his presence. I'm a sahm with no job (cause I might cheat on him) so I've no money of my own and whatever he makes he clearly states how hard he worked for it whilst I look after the kids and the home. I cant seem to do anything right.

so this morning I woke up and had a bit of a meltdown as my mental health has obviously declined and some days I struggle. I had a meltdown over the kids getting their hands on ketchup and decorating the walls and the carpet whilst he was supposed to be looking after them (but he was asleep instead) we originally had plans to take the kids away for the day. But because I lost it at the situation this morning he decided to call of the day trip as punishment to me. I was gutted, the kids were gutted so I promised them I'd take them to a park etc which he then decided he'd hit the vodka and took himself out of the house after giving me a mouthful and basically telling me what a shit mother I am.

Decided after the park I didn't want to go home and be alone thinking about everything so I went to my sisters who advised me I need to leave this abusive relationship. They aren't aware that this last yr there have been at least 3 occasions he has got violent. He hasn't hit me but he has taken me by the throat and ive been pinned to the stairs by my arms which left bruises. I sent my kids to a certain school just to save myself dealing with accusations everyday and that still wasn't enough because simply saying hello to one of the fathers down there (because our kids have become best friends) means "I'm easy" "I'm giving the wrong impression" "ill break up his marriage and will have to deal with his wife" just because I said a simple hello back to another man. That's it... Hello.

Anyway after being at my sisters and receiving some lovely messages from him I went home to put my kids to bed. He arrived home, took my bank card without my knowledge and went and bought cocaine and alcohol and hasn't returned home since. Just the odd very hateful messages which I've not responded to and now as I'm actually writing this he's messaged to say he's about to shag another another woman.

I'm so broken right now but I've decided it's the final nail in the coffin. I'm broken that I'm breaking up my family especially as I grew up without my dad. My fearful of everything now as I've been isolated for so long. I've no friends to turn to, I've no income especially now with living costs rising and I've 2 small children with birthdays and Christmas coming up. I'm angry at myself for not listening to others years ago and leaving. I'm angry that since the birth of my kids (which took me almost 10 yrs) I've been a broken mother instead of the mother I thought I'd be to them.

please please give me some support to help me keep true to my word tonight. I really need it because he's worn me down so much and turned everything round on me throughout the yrs and told me I'm the abusive one (cause I haven't wanted to have sex very much with him so I'm withholding sex he says) rather than understanding he's broken me and hurt me that I don't want to sleep with him.

I'm so afraid of bring a single mum with absolutely nothing and I know my name will be blackened by him. All I did was fall in love with someone who has tore me apart yet made me feel that I'm to blame for his paranoia.

I'm in bed sobbing my heart out knowing he's with someone else. Please someone help me find my anger and backbone because I don't have much but I'm a good hearted person and deserve so much more than this agony

Nah. I'd say he probably has a reason for wanting to get away so fast. It has nothing to do with him being reasonable or not abusive. He has plans.

The ONLY acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

This is all part of his game - as soon as he knows you are not begging him to stay and you’re pressing ahead with plans, he will change again.

What do you want your life to look like in a year from now? How do you want your children to remember their childhood?

Well done for speaking to woman’s aid, that’s a big step x

Stop thinking of him & his needs. As a mum your first priority is to your children and yourself. He is putting himself first not you or the children. Well done taking the first step & contacting Women's Aid (we all need help sometimes in life - please for all your takes take WA help & your sisters).

He is HIGHLY abusive. Everything you have posted confirms this.

The fact that he is prepared to take his name off the tenancy is one, tiny glimmer of hope. Do not squander this gift by allowing the fact that he is temporarily appearing reasonable, to cloud your judgement.

He is not reasonable
He is not kind
He is EXTREMELY abusive
He abuses drugs and alcohol
He is an adulterer
He is physically abusive
Mentally abusive
Financially abusive
Controlling
Adulterer
Absolute vile cunt of the highest order.

He happens to have a reason to want to move out. THANK FUCK. The worst position you can find yourself in is being the one to drive the split. This would happen down the line if he didn't leave now, and things would be so much worse if it was a split on your terms. I know I sound like a scratched record, but this is the ONE blessing you've been given in a pile of shit, please don't waste it.

I know you feel destroyed but you will heal. You will not heal and nor will your children if you are subjected to this level of cruelty over an even longer period of time.

He's leaving either because he's got someone else lined up or because he wants you begging him back (quite possibly both!). Please don't ever think it's because he's a decent person.

The way things are has actually worked out really well for you and the children (although I'm sure that's difficult to see right now). He's left without a huge row, he's signed the house over to you so you and the children can stay there and you are free from his control. This has been a long relationship though and of course you need to give yourself time to grieve for what it should have been. You loved him but at some point it became emotional dependence and that's why you weren't able to leave him no matter how badly he treated you - as a result you might feel like you can't cope without him. It's not true - you can, just give yourself time, make the most of your wonderful family and keep moving forward one step at a time. Then start planning some nice things to look forward to for you and the kids.

You will manage, you will cope and more importantly your children will not grow up thinking his type of behaviour and relationship is normal and consequently have their own mental health issues brought on by his behaviour.

Put your children first and ignore his disgusting attempts to pull you down even more.

Have you actually verified this with the housing officer yourself? That’s 1) very quick 2) unlikely- housing officers are used to separations and often don’t do a succession that quick.

Can not help but wonder what has really been said. Talk to them yourselves. Is the meeting for an initial chat? Ring them and see what they believe is happening. Is there rent arrears? Normal policy is tenancy needs to be clear of any arrears- however if it’s a small sum then agree to take them on under a payment plan.

Just because he seems to be “doing the right thing” doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Sometimes they do this so they look like the victim

No its a definitely been done. We've for some reason to get a letter from a higher authority like the kids teacher, a priest or something to confirm we are separating in order to take his name off. The housing officer is the woman who initially signed the house over to us 12 yrs ago because he said her name and that's who the meeting is with and I remember that's who we first signed the contract with. So no he has definitely rang.
There is no housing arrears whatsoever.
Hes still definitely coming across as the victim when he's messaging me here from work. No nastiness but it's clear that to him I was untrustworthy because I kept from him small things like such and such spoke to me in the shop and I didn't tell him, which makes him more weary of me... But the reason I done that was to avoid unnecessary accusations. If I didn't report back who I seen or spoke to in a shop that means I'm hiding stuff from him

But this began happening when I was working once upon a time. I used to freely come out and say such and such happened in work with let's says John and it was funny and I was told "seems like you have more fun with the guys you work with than me"

we used to have team nights out and he'd say why do u have to spent a night out with them instead of me and instigate it was because I fancied someone or was trying to hook up with someone. That couldn't be farther from the truth. So I quickly realised mentioning things about other men would result in some backlash abd accusations and I would try so hard to convince him he was wrong but it was never enough. Therefore what happened then was I thought to myself well I've only just said hello to someone why do I need to tell him that, then if he found out I was a liar, untrustworthy, up to something. I wasn't. I was simply trying to avoid a situation and then the silent treatment etc

Then if I did tell him oh I ran into John in the shop and spoke for a min. I'd get "why are u talking to him" or I'm making a mug out of him and my kids by being friendly to another male because when your in a relationship you don't disrespect your partner like that and how he wouldn't do that to me. It was all a massive head fuck so I just decided to say nothing as I couldn't win. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. But genuinely I've never ever even thought about cheating on him or wanting to be with anyone else. So it really annoys me all the accusations I got for something I genuinely wasn't doing. To the point I just put my head down when in the shop or school run so I "wasn't lying to him" I just felt uncomfortable all the time that I was afraid to ho out just incase!

Stop messaging him. Stop thinking about what he's accused you of in the past - you can go through all that in therapy once you're out.

Your immediate and all encompassing focus needs to be to get you and your children away from the man who has emotionally, verbally and physically abused you and is a master of coercive control.

Them being in a refuge temporarily is so much better than them living with a man like that for another day.

He has put his hands around your throat in anger. That means he is statistically 6-7 times more likely to murder you than other domestic abusers. Two women a week are murdered by a current or former male partner.

You need to get the police involved as soon as possible. He's at work. Do it now and they can take you and the kids somewhere safe and deal with him so the kids don't need to see him being arrested.

Who do you love more, your children or him?

If the former then you need to stop trusting any single thing he says, stop assuming he's going to break up amicably and safely and start getting serious about the danger he poses to you.

Your poor kids need to be put first and for as long as you're in touch with this man and for as long as the police aren't aware of what he's done to you, I'm afraid nobody is putting them first.

A letter from a higher authority. Don’t believe that at all. I’ve done this task enough times to know that’s just not needed.

It is actually of no consequence to the housing association/council whether you actually have separated or not. As long as they explain to you both the consequences of this in terms of succession rights ( you are using your succession by doing the deed of assignment) and housing rights. He’s technically making himself homeless.

Op my aunt is a housing officer she as worked for councils and housing associations that's rubbish he's hanging on for you to break and beg him not to leave put your children first and call the police and get him out

Why would you need a letter from someone in authority to verify you broke up?
How are they to establish that you actually did break up and vouch for that?

We've for some reason to get a letter from a higher authority like the kids teacher, a priest or something to confirm we are separating in order to take his name off.

I've never heard of this happening.

I think he is messing with you. He wants you to beg him to see and he's testing you to see if you agree. Be careful. He could turn violent as you haven't asked him to stay.

Get all the meetings set up yourself. Ignore any attempt at blame. He will always play the victim so just don't engage.

If he leaves without a fight and removes himself from the tenancy you will get everything you want.

There may be a woman in the background but don't worry. It will make him more likely to leave.

Stay safe.

@littlerayofsunshine0 I have been involved in a couple of these. I don't think you need a letter from a 'higher authority'
Just ring and check.

Yes, please ring them as soon as you get the chance tomorrow. Tell them the situation and that you are ringing to confirm the procedure your husband has informed you of is indeed correct.
I have a feeling he's done no such thing.

You don't love HIM. You love the IDEA of him. Your idealised version of him. Focused on only the nicer parts. I bet you didn't love him when he was strangling you. I bet you didn't love him when your little pre-schooler was watching him be violent to you.
I bet you don't love it when he accuses YOU of cheating for talking to someone in a school queue or shop. But he can actually FUCK someone else and that's not cheating.

He's spent your kids money on drugs.
Seriously what exactly in these behaviours do you love?

Because I think you are confusing love with terror of being alone for the first time. This isn't love. Love is trust, respect, kindness. He is none of those.
Everytime you think you're missing him, remember your child's face when they saw you being physically attacked by him. Imagine your children at your funeral because women who are strangled by a partner are 600% more likely to be killed in a domestic violence incident. Imagine your DS growing up to be just like him. Because that's what will happen if you stay.

Your mental health will improve once he's gone. You can create a happy home for your kids and they'll barely remember anything else if done soon. The longer you leave it, the harder it is.

You need Women's Aid, the Freedom Programme asap.

Yes, it'll be scary and hard at times. Put yourself and your kids first. Always. Get rid of him. Find your Anger. Get yourself back. Get your children the Mum they deserve, not a shell of who you were.

Thankyou I'll give them a call myself tomorrow and ask. I did think it was strange too. It doesn't make sense to me why we need a letter to validate we are seperating

Did he /does he smoke weed op? Can make adults paranoid and function as twat - like as you describe
..
Get him gone.

You don't have to have a meeting together to take the name off a tenancy. Email your housing officer for a papertrail and tell them about the abuse. You can both sign the paperwork in separate appointments (they have to be the same day as far as I'm aware)

I did make the first step of contacting womens aid. I've to go and see them next week to arrange counselling and the freedom programme.

You see what no one seems to understand is that he has crushed me into believing I'm the one who has let him down therefore its ended our relationship. Someone else commented ibet you didn't LOVE him while being accused or the time he put his hands on you in front of your child. No I absolutely didn't. It's so much easier to stay head strong when things are bad and I find it easier to know I'm not actually at fault but when these moments come round of he's actually being decent I see the guy I fell in love with and it's a massive head fuck.
In that moment it makes you think we'll he's actually a really good partner/dad and that I must be exaggerating all this in my head. It's like a honeymoon period and then within a few days/weeks we are back to fighting again because I've been to friendly with someone or for instance he wanted another baby and when I said I didnt think it was a good idea I was basically told he'd leave me. Its like a vicious circle and during those nice moments u forget or playdown the scenarios that had actually took place. Then all of a sudden your back to how I can't be trusted, that I'm the reason he is the way he is because he wasn't like this before me etc, accusations, being told who it's acceptable to talk to and who not to talk to.
it has really messed my head up.

yes he's smoked weed for prob the last 10 yrs

We do understand @littlerayofsunshine0 but so does he - it is exactly why he is playing it this way it is designed to make you feel like this - to wear you down even more

Please don't be lulled into complacency. The time of separation is when an abuser is most dangerous. Whether or not it seems right now that he wants it to happen. I promise you that you will be fine. There are so many women on here that have gone through the same thing and come out the other end so much happier. This will be hard, I'm not denying that but a year from now you will be wondering why you didn't leave so much sooner. XO

Thankyou.. its like I'm sitting here questioning if I've made this way worse in my head than in reality but deep down I know that's not the case. Especially during the moments of accusations or interrogation when I know I personally haven't done anything wrong. In those moments I want to scream at him this is why I think you're controlling, I can't just innocently say hello or respond to a hello from a member of the opposite sex without it meaning more. I don't have friends because they obviously got fed up with my excuses of why I can't meet up or go out for a drink. He would constantly tell me I don't tell you you can't do such and such that it's all in my head. But if I did do such and such I get ghosted by him for days and he's so rude and hateful to me. So I kinda already knew what was allowed and what would cause a problem without him having to verbally say yes thats ok to do that or no I don't want u doing that.
He said that I'm always guessing what he's thinking and how unfair that is but that's because for yrs I learned to know what was acceptable and what wasn't.

An actual beating would be easier to deal with because you can see bruises and scars. Emotional abuse runs much much deeper. I didnt actually realise I was as screwed up as I am until now.
I'm absolutely ashamed that I can't just say FUCK YOU in anger nd keep that anger. It's like my brain is trained to downplay things and just get on with life with him where as anyone else in the first instance would say go fuck yourself. I feel completely eroded. I honestly didn't think I was affected as much as I am now. I thought because I had woke up and realised what was happening that I'd learn to gain strength and leave of my own accord.