Final nail in the coffin

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Feel free to read my other threads if you wish so you have some idea of my situation. Threads I'm so ashamed of but at this point in time they are my reality...

My background is that I've been I this relationship for a very very long time and since had 2 kids who are 3 & 4. It's been very controlling and abusive and my head is always in a spin due to walking on eggshells, watching what I say and who I speak to etc. Even down to how I dress has been eroded. Something was too see through (because it was a white tshirt and you could see the track or shape of my bra, or my sports leggings were too see through and you could see the shape of my bum) I threw them all in the bin, I stopped talking or communicating with people he didn't want me to speak to. When we have a row he turned it into a war and anytime I need to express something to him that is upsetting me he would throw things up from 10+ yrs ago insulting and belittling me that the thing I was originally talking about was insignificant and I'm just wrong, in the wrong or doing something wrong to slight him (in his opinion)
I'm unable to freely visit my parents with my kids without his presence. I'm a sahm with no job (cause I might cheat on him) so I've no money of my own and whatever he makes he clearly states how hard he worked for it whilst I look after the kids and the home. I cant seem to do anything right.

so this morning I woke up and had a bit of a meltdown as my mental health has obviously declined and some days I struggle. I had a meltdown over the kids getting their hands on ketchup and decorating the walls and the carpet whilst he was supposed to be looking after them (but he was asleep instead) we originally had plans to take the kids away for the day. But because I lost it at the situation this morning he decided to call of the day trip as punishment to me. I was gutted, the kids were gutted so I promised them I'd take them to a park etc which he then decided he'd hit the vodka and took himself out of the house after giving me a mouthful and basically telling me what a shit mother I am.

Decided after the park I didn't want to go home and be alone thinking about everything so I went to my sisters who advised me I need to leave this abusive relationship. They aren't aware that this last yr there have been at least 3 occasions he has got violent. He hasn't hit me but he has taken me by the throat and ive been pinned to the stairs by my arms which left bruises. I sent my kids to a certain school just to save myself dealing with accusations everyday and that still wasn't enough because simply saying hello to one of the fathers down there (because our kids have become best friends) means "I'm easy" "I'm giving the wrong impression" "ill break up his marriage and will have to deal with his wife" just because I said a simple hello back to another man. That's it... Hello.

Anyway after being at my sisters and receiving some lovely messages from him I went home to put my kids to bed. He arrived home, took my bank card without my knowledge and went and bought cocaine and alcohol and hasn't returned home since. Just the odd very hateful messages which I've not responded to and now as I'm actually writing this he's messaged to say he's about to shag another another woman.

I'm so broken right now but I've decided it's the final nail in the coffin. I'm broken that I'm breaking up my family especially as I grew up without my dad. My fearful of everything now as I've been isolated for so long. I've no friends to turn to, I've no income especially now with living costs rising and I've 2 small children with birthdays and Christmas coming up. I'm angry at myself for not listening to others years ago and leaving. I'm angry that since the birth of my kids (which took me almost 10 yrs) I've been a broken mother instead of the mother I thought I'd be to them.

please please give me some support to help me keep true to my word tonight. I really need it because he's worn me down so much and turned everything round on me throughout the yrs and told me I'm the abusive one (cause I haven't wanted to have sex very much with him so I'm withholding sex he says) rather than understanding he's broken me and hurt me that I don't want to sleep with him.

I'm so afraid of bring a single mum with absolutely nothing and I know my name will be blackened by him. All I did was fall in love with someone who has tore me apart yet made me feel that I'm to blame for his paranoia.

I'm in bed sobbing my heart out knowing he's with someone else. Please someone help me find my anger and backbone because I don't have much but I'm a good hearted person and deserve so much more than this agony

Hi everyone. Thanks for the comments.. The current situation is he had in fact came home in the early hours when I thought he hadn't. He was in the spare room and I had no idea. Thought he would've come home making a racket and looking a row but that never happened.
Hes obviously sick as a dog today but that's not my problem. He's been very sheepish all day, I was even allowed to take the kids to my parents for the first time on my own today and he never kicked off before or after I came back.
But now this evening he suggested off his own back that maybe it's best he moves out and take his name of the lease. That our relationship isn't great and he's heartbroken but that it's best for the kids that they don't witness any tension here anymore etc...

But now because he's saying it himself even though I was in the mindset of getting him out, it's completely through me and now I'm immediately sobbing for the loss of my 20 yr relationship. Last night and all today I was adamant with myself that's it, enough is enough I wasn't upset about it I just told myself I have to do this.... But now in the last 30 mins since he's actually said it himself it's like I'm going into mourning. Wtf is wrong with me...... All of a sudden I'm almost ready to beg him not to leave the family home. I mean when he said about moving out I straightaway agreed with him but inside I just felt a sinking feeling. I havent begged him or asked him not to go but I can feel it inside of me. All the happy moments are coming rushing back and also knowing how heartbroken my son will be especially that daddy doesn't live with us anymore. I understand kids can be resilient, I was but not growing up with my dad present did have its affects on me and still does. I'm now feeling so many emotions and I just want to cry for a whole other reason from last night...

I really do love this man. Its been 20 yrs of my life with him and yes it definitely hasn't been healthy but he was my best friend and I'm hurting now that I'm losing that. I'm hurting that he will find someone else and someone else plays step mother to my children at some point in time. I'm just heartbroken... I want to tell him not to leave. Is that normal

He wants you to tell him not to leave so he can have you firmly under is thumb. Again. Then the abuse will start all over again, and you'll be lucky if he doesn't kill you. Haven't your children seen enough? Don't you want them to have a happy mum and a peaceful home? Please, think of them and get rid of this man. A best friend would never, ever treat you the way this man does.

Stop wallowing in self pity for your 'lost relationship' and re-read your post from last night. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you or the children this way.
Start packing his stuff and get him out.

Sorry that probably came across a bit harsh. I was just so angry for you.
It's not going to be easy with you feeling the way you do but you have to stiffen your resolve and do what you know is best for you and your children.

This is actually a good turn of events.

Please god strike whilst the iron is hot. It will be hard but the fact that you can split on HIS TERMS with him believing he was the 'breaker upper' is the safest way to leave a violent and abusive relationship. Honestly, he has just handed you a gift.

Park your sadness please - think of your future and your chidren - and just park it.

Tell him that you are sad that he wants to leave you but that he is probably right. Tell him you have slept on it and will agree to a peaceful separation with a heavy heart.

Then Jump. For. Fucking. Joy.

Your new life could start here if you let it.

Please Google the cycle of abuse.

He wants you to beg him to stay, things will be amazing for a week or two and then it all starts again.

Please, even if you think you can’t ask him to leave speak to Womens Aid tomorrow. Just talk it through with them and go from there.

OP I don't meant to be harsh but stop looking at the past through rose tinted glasses and put your children first instead of you and your toxic relationship that you and him are exposing them to.

Could there be any chance he has seen this thread? If he has taken your phone before to delete texts and is very controlling then he most likely will have checked your Internet history and found you on mumsnet.

If this is the case, seeing what this thread entails may have laid bare his abusive behaviour and he is going to do the right thing by leaving and preventing further damage being done to the children.

But if it's not the case then as a previous poster has highlighted, he is probably just switching tactics to get you to ask him to stay so he can start the cycle of abuse all over again.

Being emotional is only to be expected, there’s nothing wrong with feelings. I’ll say this though, you beg him to stay, agree to work harder then after the honeymoon period it will be “you wanted me to stay and this is how you treat me” “I’m here because you can’t copy without me” and on and on and on.

you worry about your kids looking for daddy, there looking for daddy now because there sure as hell need to know where he is to know where the threat is coming from. They also know how to appease him which is why they are so pleased to see him.

im not saying this to be a cow or run salt in your wounds I just think you maybe can’t see the wood for the trees right now. You know being away from him is better for you and the kids, don’t get lost in the detail. Don’t get lost imagining what the future will hold.

This is all sounding very Eastenders. Sorry OP but He is a total loser and enjoys drama and fucking with your head . Some women I'm afraid it seems can't get enough of bad boys. Personally I can't stand them or the drama - but it's up to you- there must be something holding you back from telling him 'yep,I feel the same, best if you leave'

I have done that. I agreed with him even though its ripping me apart. I think its fear, fear of the unknown and fear of being alone. Please keep in mind I was 17 when we got together I'm now 37 so I've grew up with knowing only this and I do love him. I don't love the drama or the isolation I feel. But please understand its a big part of my life gone.
I fully understand that it's best we aren't together that the kids don't grow up seeing a toxic relationship. That they grow up in a happy home rather than seeing and feeling the tension or atmosphere in the house.
So in the last half hr he's told me it's over. I'm not crying but I am really scared. Scared because I'm doing this completely alone now and I know there's gonna be times I'm really gonna want to go running to him when I'm feeling sorry for myself or remembering all the good times (honeymoon period as someone else put it) rather than how it was really.

I'm just scared that things will go brilliantly for him and I'm the one who will crash and burn.

When we talked tonight he never mentioned anything at all to do with the toxic side of things he just spoke about my mental health and how I make him feel like shit on days when I'm not coping. I tried saying to him about the rules put in place for me but it was just disregarded and its all about how he feels and he cant cope etc which now has me really confused, I'm questioning my ability as a mother now and if he's right. I feel really fucked up inside now.

I know in the morning I've to put on my big girl pants and just get on with it for the children but I'm afraid I'm gonna break with the pressures and money pressure of being a single mum while he'll be free to have his wage every weekend, drink, party, new women and I'll be the one struggling mentally and financially. I've always thought the grass will be greener on the other side and now that I'm actually going to be alone now I'm not sure that it will. I'm just fearful... I understand that I'm coming across as pathetic and feel free to state that but I do whole heartily love this man even though I know it was killing me mentally

Life should not be like this.

Every minute you stay with this man is abuse of your children.
You should leave that house now and never come back

hes leaving tomorrow

I hope he leaves.

OP please get some help. The fact you have accepted this for so long suggests you are very very vulnerable.

Your children have been at risk and still are. Get all the help you can.

Oh op im worried for you. I’m worried he won’t actually leave and your children will still be living in this. You need to get free of him for your safety and for your children, so they can grow up in a healthy home. I think you should call womens aid anyway, please do. If he doesn’t leave you will need the police, he won’t suddenly change and I’m worried your dc will grow up with his emotional abuse and seeing him attack and hurt or kill their mum. I don’t think children recover from that.

Him twisting it all back onto you is part of the abuse - it’s called DARVO. Please don’t fall for his bullshit.

Of course you’re sad. You will be for some time. This is all you’ve known in your adult life. You will be grieving the relationship YOU WISH you’d had, not the one you actually had. And these glimpses of humanity that he shows you to keep you in line are just part of the cycle of abuse.

The hands around your throat is a MASSIVE warning sign that he may kill you in future. It’s something like 7 times more likely that he will go on to murder you now that he’s done this. It’s very dangerous.

When your children are a little older they may mention seeing some of this behaviour at school (they may already have mentioned it at nursery) and you could end up with childrens services involved. You need to show that you will do whatever it takes to keep them safe, which includes not living with a violent abuser.

I speak from experience - my ex DP was nothing like as nasty as yours, but I had to end it because - even if I was prepared to put up with him kicking off, swearing at me and breaking things - my kids deserve better.

I have been the lowest I have ever been these past few months - it sickens me to say it, but this loss has been harder than when either of my parents died.

Because these relationships are intoxicating.

Because they’re toxic.

But a few months down the line, I’m finding myself, taking anti depressants which have turned things around. And planning a brilliant future for myself and my kids. You deserve this too. And you can have it, but you have to go through the pain first.

I am sorry but I agree with deeperthanallroses.

Maybe he will leave, maybe will come back and you'll end up having another baby with this evil excuse for a man.

Maybe he will kill you. Maybe your kids will be taken into care. You say you love him but he has put you and then in a situation where all these scenarios are possible. You cannot accept this

I am so sorry SteveHarringtonsChestHair. Well done for getting free.

My son is adopted. His birth parents could could not keep him safe and cared for. I know it sounds extreme to talk about social services but really, should your kids have to live through this?

@littlerayofsunshine0 imagine living in a house with your children. Imagine the love that flows around the three of you, and the trips to the park etc.

Imagine not being scared. Imagine not being shouted at and abused. Imagine not being held by the throat, or pinned against the stairs. Imagine not being hassled and blackmailed for sex. Imagine not being held back from seeing your family. Imagine not being told what you can wear. Imagine not lying in bed crying, because your partner has text you to tell you that he’s sleeping with someone else.

Your new life can start now. You are infinitely stronger than you realise. You need space from your abuser to see how strong you really are. I promise you, you can do it, and you can thrive.

Hes doing what you should have done for your kids long ago.

If he actually does leave then hes doing right by his kids. you should have been protecting them, No kids should watch this toxic behaviour, I remember a lot from my childhood ... stuff that was " out of the children's sight and ears " but it wasn't, I wasn't stupid I knew stuff.

You are scared and that's fine but my fear wouldn't keep me from keeping my children safe and out of a toxic environment ( and i have had that decision to make before and thankfully made the right choice)

I'm really hoping that this man does what he says and leaves.
When he does, ask the council - asap - to change the locks, and tell them exactly why. You'll also need to get him off the tenancy agreement.

Stay strong sweetheart, you've got this. You can do what's needed to be done. We've got you.

You can do this OP. It's the only choice for your kids. Kids who grow up with abusive fathers will either become abusers themselves or will have lifelong mental health difficulties or both. Save their futures by letting him go.

OP please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It explains the behaviour of abusive men. Your partner seems like textbook case as all he can think about is how he feels and no one else. You can find the pdf online.

Please also consider that your relationship was effectively over a long time ago. This is just going through the formalities. Be aware that it is very likely that he will come back begging to be forgiven and promising everything will be fine. Do not believe him. It will not.

Hi op your not pathetic at all like I said in a previous post to you I as with my ex for nearly 18 years I was 14 when I got with him I was nearly 32 when I ended it with him we had 5 children the oldest being 15 the youngest being nearly 2 when we split up I honestly understand your emotions I felt them too but I promise you it hurts like hell even tho he's horrible and nasty but it will get easier darling honestly it will take time but it's such a relief when you realise you and your children are happy and having fun together if you want to private message me your more than welcome too I will give you all the support I can x

Morning all... Cried myself to sleep which took an awful long time. Eyes are heavy sore and puffy this morning. I told my sisters last night that weve decided to seperate and I've been leaning on them now for support. He's away to work this morning so I'm alone with the kids and my thoughts and I don't know how I'm going to get through the day feeling this way. I'm full of emotion, I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm feeling hard done by and sorry for myself. I just want to click my fingers and be past this stage. Or will I ever get past this stage??? Is this something I will revisit now and again in the coming months or will I at some point find myself content?? I'm so afraid...

I think its also because of the conversation last night, whilst he wasn't being nasty as such the conversation was very much based around my wrong doings and how I am as a mother and how I've broken him. Nothing came up about anything to do with where he's went wrong. He really doesn't see that he was possessive and controlling. He just sees it that I can't help but having to communicate with other men, that I can't control myself basically. In all these yrs I can honestly say I've never cheated, I don't flirt like he specifies I'm simply responding to people when spoken to. I wasn't trusted to be on social media etc because another man adding me as a friend would mean x,y and z to him. To him it's like I'm not able to have a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
And none of this was mentioned it was just about how shitty I am and it has cut me to the bone.
When I wrote this first thread on Sunday night I felt a bit strong and knew that I deserved better but now he's managed to convince me otherwise and I feel like a failure and a bad mum. I'm determined to not be the mum he says I am. But its incredibly messed up how I went from feeling on Sunday night that I can do this alone to now being absolutely petrified.