Final nail in the coffin

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Feel free to read my other threads if you wish so you have some idea of my situation. Threads I'm so ashamed of but at this point in time they are my reality...

My background is that I've been I this relationship for a very very long time and since had 2 kids who are 3 & 4. It's been very controlling and abusive and my head is always in a spin due to walking on eggshells, watching what I say and who I speak to etc. Even down to how I dress has been eroded. Something was too see through (because it was a white tshirt and you could see the track or shape of my bra, or my sports leggings were too see through and you could see the shape of my bum) I threw them all in the bin, I stopped talking or communicating with people he didn't want me to speak to. When we have a row he turned it into a war and anytime I need to express something to him that is upsetting me he would throw things up from 10+ yrs ago insulting and belittling me that the thing I was originally talking about was insignificant and I'm just wrong, in the wrong or doing something wrong to slight him (in his opinion)
I'm unable to freely visit my parents with my kids without his presence. I'm a sahm with no job (cause I might cheat on him) so I've no money of my own and whatever he makes he clearly states how hard he worked for it whilst I look after the kids and the home. I cant seem to do anything right.

so this morning I woke up and had a bit of a meltdown as my mental health has obviously declined and some days I struggle. I had a meltdown over the kids getting their hands on ketchup and decorating the walls and the carpet whilst he was supposed to be looking after them (but he was asleep instead) we originally had plans to take the kids away for the day. But because I lost it at the situation this morning he decided to call of the day trip as punishment to me. I was gutted, the kids were gutted so I promised them I'd take them to a park etc which he then decided he'd hit the vodka and took himself out of the house after giving me a mouthful and basically telling me what a shit mother I am.

Decided after the park I didn't want to go home and be alone thinking about everything so I went to my sisters who advised me I need to leave this abusive relationship. They aren't aware that this last yr there have been at least 3 occasions he has got violent. He hasn't hit me but he has taken me by the throat and ive been pinned to the stairs by my arms which left bruises. I sent my kids to a certain school just to save myself dealing with accusations everyday and that still wasn't enough because simply saying hello to one of the fathers down there (because our kids have become best friends) means "I'm easy" "I'm giving the wrong impression" "ill break up his marriage and will have to deal with his wife" just because I said a simple hello back to another man. That's it... Hello.

Anyway after being at my sisters and receiving some lovely messages from him I went home to put my kids to bed. He arrived home, took my bank card without my knowledge and went and bought cocaine and alcohol and hasn't returned home since. Just the odd very hateful messages which I've not responded to and now as I'm actually writing this he's messaged to say he's about to shag another another woman.

I'm so broken right now but I've decided it's the final nail in the coffin. I'm broken that I'm breaking up my family especially as I grew up without my dad. My fearful of everything now as I've been isolated for so long. I've no friends to turn to, I've no income especially now with living costs rising and I've 2 small children with birthdays and Christmas coming up. I'm angry at myself for not listening to others years ago and leaving. I'm angry that since the birth of my kids (which took me almost 10 yrs) I've been a broken mother instead of the mother I thought I'd be to them.

please please give me some support to help me keep true to my word tonight. I really need it because he's worn me down so much and turned everything round on me throughout the yrs and told me I'm the abusive one (cause I haven't wanted to have sex very much with him so I'm withholding sex he says) rather than understanding he's broken me and hurt me that I don't want to sleep with him.

I'm so afraid of bring a single mum with absolutely nothing and I know my name will be blackened by him. All I did was fall in love with someone who has tore me apart yet made me feel that I'm to blame for his paranoia.

I'm in bed sobbing my heart out knowing he's with someone else. Please someone help me find my anger and backbone because I don't have much but I'm a good hearted person and deserve so much more than this agony

Thankyou I truly hope you are right.. I wish I could fast forward to that part though. I do realise it means I can now start to create a life/existence for myself and especially for my kids. I think its just because I'm dealing with the breakup and missing the person I wish he would be more often. Like someone said the idea of him.
Realistically I know that's short lived and it always come back to control and being isolated

The anger will come op

Weed explains - def doesn't justify - a lot in abusive relationships imo.
Dc think it has no effects. Maybe no negative ones in the here and now. But future adults suffer. And thus so do their partners..
You are so best away op.
Truly.

Controls you. Says what you can wear. Says if you can work or not. Not allowed on social media. Argues with you. Reminds you of all your faults. Never mentions his. Does drugs. Smokes weed. Says he's sleeping with other people. Verbally abusive. Grabs you by your neck. Stops you from seeing your family.

Fucking hell. Leave now. I would literally take my children now and walk out of the house and never ever look back. Like this very second. Your children do not deserve to grow up in a house like that. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Not for a single second. Your partner is an absolute fucking CUNT!!!!

I think if I had an actual friend to turn to it would help a lot. I understand I've my sisters but ideally I need a friend as well. I've lost them all.. Tbh I reached out to someone earlier and haven't heard a thing back and that's because how strange I was in this relationship. I'd earn a friendship and then because I couldn't actually meet up or properly do anything without him making something of it people then just sidelined me, but I fully appreciate why. I must have seemed strange that when they met me I was up for a chat and a laugh but when it came to making actual plans like just going to theirs for a drink and a catchup I couldn't do that.

so I'm now at a place where I realise I ghosted everyone and now have nothing. No friends. Id love to meet some of them so I can now explain my absence and why I couldn't do normal things with them and why I pulled away in order to save myself the hassle with him, for an easier life basically and look where that has got me.

I just can't see where to go from here when I don't even have 1 single friend to meet up with or try to start a new normal life again plus I'm embarrassed to have to explain the situation I was in. I'm afraid it'll come across like I'm making it all up cause its so extreme yet I was with him for so long and had 2 kids with him. To others it won't make sense why I stayed as long as I did if it was as bad as I say it was.

I cant believe I've allowed what I thought was "love' to completely overtake my life and my existence in this world.

I happened to say to him tonight how is it that you seem to be ok with all of this like it seems like it's not having an effect on him from what I can see. He snapped at me saying I'm putting a face on I'm losing family. He's away off to the gym here now to pump his fucking muscles! While I'm here on mumsnet just needing support.

I'm praying that I find some friendships again and I swear I'll never ever let myself get into a situation like this EVER again.

I hope the practical stuff gets sorted for you ASAP OP. Stay strong. He is trying to make you beg for him to stay.

I'm praying that I find some friendships again and I swear I'll never ever let myself get into a situation like this EVER again.

It is very common for women to have more than one abusive relationship. So please do do Freedom and access any other courses/support you're offered. It'll help make sense of things and also help you avoid getting involved with a dodgy bloke again. There are quite a few of them around, so we all need to strengthen ourselves and raise our awareness of them.

Please read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does he Do that? If you google, there is a free PDF of it online. archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

The nasty, violent person IS HIM. The nice is a front he puts on to reel you back in when he thinks he's gone too far.

If a drink was 50% poison would you still drink it? Could you separate out the bad from the good?

The brain's trauma response is to block pain and hurt, that is why you can't easily recall the bad, and good memories come up. Your brain is literally protecting you. It's not good to be living in this fear response state all the time.

You CAN do this OP. You know it's not right. For you or your children. So if right now, you can't value yourself enough to be strong and get rid: do it for your children.

It's only a very short time before your children are at school or nursery and if they start talking about what Daddy is like at home, social services will get involved. Don't make them be the strong ones. You do it.

Well I found my anger again...
Our son is due to start school this week, he's decided not to go and see him off to school with me. He's taking himself off tomorrow night to stay in his parents house. I said but our son starts his first day at school the next morning and I just got snapped at that he's damned if he does damned if he doesn't (as in seeing him start school) I am absolutely shocked. He's one of those dad's that would make sure he's there for things like that on a normal basis. I'm also absolutely shocked that his own mother hasn't told him to grow up and see his son off on his first day at school. Not only that my son is expecting it, he thinks mum and dad are both going to be there like his first day at nursery. I'm actually shell shocked that he doing that.
And during his walk tonight he said our son said "your not my daddy" now let me explain for the last few weeks this has happened to me on about 2 or 3 occasions. My son has hit a stage when he doesn't get his own way or I say no to something he's back chatting to me. He has said to me "then you're not my mummy" if I refuse to give him sweets before dinner or if I've had to scold him for being cheeky he has said that to me. When I questioned him about it and explained its not a nice thing to say or that makes mummy feel sad and explain to him why I'm having to say no to something, he told me it's because he's upset that he can't have sweeties etc

So my partner said our son has said this because myself or my sisters were slating him either to the child or in front of him which is absolute nonsense. In fact all I done was feel sorry for myself today, I couldn't even bring myself to say anything bad with how emotional I was today and between my sisters if they seen I was upset or needed a chat one would take the kids off for a play while the other spoke and consoled me in private. When I tried to explain this to him it was the usual scenario of me getting shut down and unable to have say. Its his way or no way and when he gets an idea in his head it sticks there. He's a very black or white kind of person, never sees or tries to understand the grey area. This is even what it was like when I had to defend myself over saying hello to people. I'm told to shut the fuck up or I don't want to hear it or I dint want to hear your bullshit lies. He always has his mind made up before hearing anybody else's versions, I've also seen him do that with other people. He's just such a pig ignorant man who's set in his ways and his way is the right way. It's impossible to actually hold your ground during a disagreement because he just refuses to listen. If he says it's that way, then it's that way! That's why I ended up stopping putting my views or options across, you may as well talk to a brick wall.

my son is expecting both his mum and dad to see him off on his first day because that's what we had promised him so how do I do this without my son getting upset and then going for his first day at primary! Seriously I'm so mad right now.
And he also thinks by staying at his parents one night and coming here the next will help break the kids into him eventually not being here anymore, I've never heard of a more ridiculous thing. Surely that's more confusing is it not? I'm so shocked that none of his family have told him to grow the fuck up as it concerns the kids.

Nothing will change unless you change. You're focusing on things that really don't matter. Your partner not going to your son's first day of school is so inconsequential compared to what you're living through it's almost laughable. FGS, end it for your kids if you can't manage it for yourself. Don't be one of those people who refuses to help themselves.

Is this a distraction thing? You’re focusing on something inconsequential to distract yourself from the actual issues at hand?

Of course. That's exactly what this is.

Please OP stop focussing on the inconsequential things.

My husband of 21 years did not see either of our children off on their first day of school. However, he has been faithful and kind. You need to think about what really matters.

Op - it wasn't the final nail in the coffin was it .

Police will help you when you're ready. But try not to fuck your kids up while you wait . Good luck .

OP I think you are just looking for an outlet to talk about your awful life. You are not ready for help and probably not even reading the responses.

The more you allow the worse it will get. Your children deserve a better life than this. Carry on talking.

So he wasn’t planning on leaving the next day then. Did you call the housing officer?

Look I’ve been where you are with a narcissistic angry jealous abusive partner. It didn’t happen overnight and it took a while for me to wake up and realise that I was in an abusive relationship.

The most important thing is your children; they are so young that they will adapt far quicker than you think, but the longer this relationship carries on the more likely it is that they will be damaged by just how toxic it is.

Get out when he is at work, stay with your sister and call the police to get him away from you and your home. He isn’t going anywhere, he’s enjoying watching you being upset and making you think you are to blame for everything far to much to actually leave.

The problem is that he needs to leave. It’s not anything else. Your kids would be better off not seeing him ever than you staying with him. That is the number one priority, to have him out of your life and you only ever engage on practicalities of childcare.
it should be him: I’m not coming to school tomorrow
you: ok.
end conversation.

What a vile specimen definitely get rid of this bastard

OK so you see I actually thought what I was doing was best for our son tomorrow as promises were made in the summer that mum and dad would see him off etc but yous think I just need to go ahead and get straight on with it then?
I'm trying to be amicable for the sake of my children I thought I was doing the right thing for them. He's moving out as of this evening when he gets home from work.

OK well could someone give me some advice on regards on how to tell the kids? He asked if I'd sit down and tell them. My son is quite an emotional little thing and I'm unsure if it's best to tell him today (but he starts school tomorrow and I'm worried he may be upset and worried in school he's quite an open child too so he will discuss it with friends or his teacher... Do I say it to his teacher???) or do I wait until the weekend so he has a few days to accept it until back to school on Monday?? I've just no idea how to best go about this.

And to everyone who thinks I'm just on here for a moan about my awful life. Essentially yes. How many times have I stated I have NOBODY I thought sharing on here gives me a safe place to vent and maybe get some support from others who have been through the same thing and seperated. I've seen many positive posts on here when someone has left this type of relationship and there's been lots of advice and support to them. Just because I wanted my to make sure my son went to school happy and content tomorrow does NOT mean that I've now turned a corner and it's not the final nail in the coffin. It is. It's over... im just trying to do what's best to keep the kids happy because as much as he was an absolute cunt to me at times he does love his kids very much. Yes our relationship wasn't good for them to see but he is very much a good dad in regards to the children. He does love and care about them. I also want them to have a relationship with their dad for that reason because my dad left when I was 3 and I remember how i was affected throughout moments in my life as he moved country and I only ever heard from him once a yr via telephone. Hence why I do not want that for them. Am I wrong for doing that?

one question I'm due to ring the benefits line today as I feel a bit stronger and more together today. We were claiming as a couple together. So am I right in understanding that it's UC ill be getting and I don't get a payment for 5 weeks?? What do I do in the meantime regarding money as 5 weeks is a long time

You sit the kids down and tell them daddy's going to get a new house so that he can have more space so they get two bedrooms and two birthdays and two Christmases etc.

Regarding benefits, they can give an advance payment if you need it. Talk through your options with them.

Here's the thing. If you are divorcing, and I hope to whatever is up there that you do, you won't be doing things together. That is the point. Parents evenings, Christmas, Birthdays, Easter, first day at school.... not together. You need to get this clear in your head, so you can be clear for the kids and help them understand the change. You also need to get your head round the fact that this is a positive change. Because it might literally save your life, and it will certainly change the course of theirs for the better.

Trying to have an Amicable Divorce, all this conscious uncoupling business is excellent if you can acheive it, but it absolutely should NOT be held up as some holy grail to attain which all seperations will be compared.

If you did not have an amicable marriage....you can not have an amicable divorce. Think about that for a minute and let it sink in. And trying to have an amicable divorce after an abusive relationship will just leave you open to more of the same abuse.

You need to get really clear on your boundaries asap, and stick to them, for the sake of your kids. And you are going to need to get help to do this. I know you have contacted Womens Aid and that is great, keep going down that path. They have a live chat service where you can be in touch with a support worker here

Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth from now on. If it turns out he's telling the truth, then you'll have a pleasant suprise. He will continue to manipulate you. You need to contact housing, not rely on him to do it. You are in charge of this now, you need to sideline him and get on with it, including taking your child to school. Yes it is hard, but it's a damn sight easier than living with him for one more day. Rope in a family member if you can to come with you and if you can't you can do it on your own. You can do this, but you need to sharpen up and let those survival skills come to the fore now. Protect your children.

I think you said you aren't married. Godsend.
Don't believe anything he says about housing appointments. Make them yourself. He'll spin you any old yarn to lead you on, make you think he's leaving and soften you up. Last minute, he'll be saying " ok, I'll stay, give YOU one more chance, don't mess up".
Speak to housing, get the true story from them.

Millions of kids start school with only one parent present, it's no big deal. Take a photo as a memory.

And have another key cut for your doors

Op I totally understand how your feeling been there done it all everything your feeling I have felt it it will get easier ring UC explain the situation they will help you and you won't be without money you can get an advanced payment UC are quite fast at dealing with payments now good look

Is he still at your home after he said he was leaving? Why can't he leave and then arrange housing etc? He's not leaving, he's enjoying your upset and trying to make you grovel. Speak to women's aid about separation properly, as in not living together.
I know it's scary, it's sad, frustrating, confusing, so many emotions to feel. I've been there 5 months out, 17 years together from age 15. DS who is just a toddler, I'm a single mother I never wanted to be.
I'm no contact with the ex,I involved police, pressing charges and got an injunction. I'm still angry, confused and a little scared. But it's so much better than I felt before. Took a couple of weeks to realise I can be happy with this life but had no chance of being happy with him. Just be kind to yourself, take all the time you need, you're letting go of a dream, the realisation that he will never change, it's all new, it's scary but it's essential you end this now. Or do you want your kids to grow up and see this as how relationships usually work?
UC will be able to give you an advance which you can pay back monthly to help you through the week wait. You can't get that in place until he's off the tenancy and out of the house. They'll just still view you as living together otherwise. Best of luck to you.

You can't blame weed on this. He is just a twat who is paranoid because he himself is cheating. Weed doesn't give you a personality transplant.