Final nail in the coffin

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Feel free to read my other threads if you wish so you have some idea of my situation. Threads I'm so ashamed of but at this point in time they are my reality...

My background is that I've been I this relationship for a very very long time and since had 2 kids who are 3 & 4. It's been very controlling and abusive and my head is always in a spin due to walking on eggshells, watching what I say and who I speak to etc. Even down to how I dress has been eroded. Something was too see through (because it was a white tshirt and you could see the track or shape of my bra, or my sports leggings were too see through and you could see the shape of my bum) I threw them all in the bin, I stopped talking or communicating with people he didn't want me to speak to. When we have a row he turned it into a war and anytime I need to express something to him that is upsetting me he would throw things up from 10+ yrs ago insulting and belittling me that the thing I was originally talking about was insignificant and I'm just wrong, in the wrong or doing something wrong to slight him (in his opinion)
I'm unable to freely visit my parents with my kids without his presence. I'm a sahm with no job (cause I might cheat on him) so I've no money of my own and whatever he makes he clearly states how hard he worked for it whilst I look after the kids and the home. I cant seem to do anything right.

so this morning I woke up and had a bit of a meltdown as my mental health has obviously declined and some days I struggle. I had a meltdown over the kids getting their hands on ketchup and decorating the walls and the carpet whilst he was supposed to be looking after them (but he was asleep instead) we originally had plans to take the kids away for the day. But because I lost it at the situation this morning he decided to call of the day trip as punishment to me. I was gutted, the kids were gutted so I promised them I'd take them to a park etc which he then decided he'd hit the vodka and took himself out of the house after giving me a mouthful and basically telling me what a shit mother I am.

Decided after the park I didn't want to go home and be alone thinking about everything so I went to my sisters who advised me I need to leave this abusive relationship. They aren't aware that this last yr there have been at least 3 occasions he has got violent. He hasn't hit me but he has taken me by the throat and ive been pinned to the stairs by my arms which left bruises. I sent my kids to a certain school just to save myself dealing with accusations everyday and that still wasn't enough because simply saying hello to one of the fathers down there (because our kids have become best friends) means "I'm easy" "I'm giving the wrong impression" "ill break up his marriage and will have to deal with his wife" just because I said a simple hello back to another man. That's it... Hello.

Anyway after being at my sisters and receiving some lovely messages from him I went home to put my kids to bed. He arrived home, took my bank card without my knowledge and went and bought cocaine and alcohol and hasn't returned home since. Just the odd very hateful messages which I've not responded to and now as I'm actually writing this he's messaged to say he's about to shag another another woman.

I'm so broken right now but I've decided it's the final nail in the coffin. I'm broken that I'm breaking up my family especially as I grew up without my dad. My fearful of everything now as I've been isolated for so long. I've no friends to turn to, I've no income especially now with living costs rising and I've 2 small children with birthdays and Christmas coming up. I'm angry at myself for not listening to others years ago and leaving. I'm angry that since the birth of my kids (which took me almost 10 yrs) I've been a broken mother instead of the mother I thought I'd be to them.

please please give me some support to help me keep true to my word tonight. I really need it because he's worn me down so much and turned everything round on me throughout the yrs and told me I'm the abusive one (cause I haven't wanted to have sex very much with him so I'm withholding sex he says) rather than understanding he's broken me and hurt me that I don't want to sleep with him.

I'm so afraid of bring a single mum with absolutely nothing and I know my name will be blackened by him. All I did was fall in love with someone who has tore me apart yet made me feel that I'm to blame for his paranoia.

I'm in bed sobbing my heart out knowing he's with someone else. Please someone help me find my anger and backbone because I don't have much but I'm a good hearted person and deserve so much more than this agony

I cant see myself like a phoenix rising from the fire like I thought I would

Oh OP I am so sorry I suspect he has done it this way to exactly do this to you - so you would be left in a state rather than being able to fly without him. Allowing him freedom but keeping you exactly where he wants you

You're frightened because your self confidence has been eroded over many years. You cannot expect it to reappear overnight but trust me it wil. Small steps.

There's a fine line between being terrified of the unknown and starting a new adventure. Try and frame this time as the latter..

OP, this current thing he’s doing is still all about controlling you. He wants you to second guess yourself but let me tell you that if he gets an inkling that you are resolute and even relieved to have him gone he’ll be back like a shot and completely enraged.

Hes testing you and manipulating you. While laying the foundations of making you more vulnerable and setting himself up to be back later and even further in control.

keep walking and your job is to hide how upset you are from him because I can promise, if you manage to do that he will reveal his game very quickly.

When I wrote this first thread on Sunday night I felt a bit strong and knew that I deserved better but now he's managed to convince me otherwise and I feel like a failure and a bad mum

You would be failing your kids by staying with him or going back to him.

You would be putting them first by leaving him and staying out of a relationship with him.

It's time to absolutely put them first.

IMO he is so dangerous that putting them first includes reporting his abuse to the police.

You must have lots of texts that prove at least coercive control and you are also able to provide victim witness statements yourself about the physical abuse too.

I believe that in order to stay away from him, you need to realise that if you don't you could be in danger of at some point losing your children.

This is why I think police and SS being involved is a good, not bad, thing for you. They will put in place measures that keep you apart - him having bail conditions, you agreeing to no contact, supervised visitation only etc that you need to commit to in order to show you're serious about safeguarding them.

I think that because you're so vulnerable and have been abused and controlled for so long, it would be invaluable for you to have an authority figure to be accountable to (police and SS) for now that isn't him. He's positioned himself wrongly as someone you need to answer to. You don't.

But the idea of not having someone to answer to at the moment is terrifying and confusing rather than liberating, which it will be eventually.

So in the meantime, I believe you need women's aid, police and SS involvement to give you support in leaving your abuser and more importantly staying away.

Every moment you consider getting back with him is a moment your children's future is at risk.

Please put them first. Call the police or go to a police station today while you are able to, before he turns again and bans you from being anywhere alone.

This is a golden opportunity to get safe.

Take it.

You need some help. Women's Aid have a live chat service, you can get in touch with a support worker easily, do that asap.

I'm just scared that things will go brilliantly for him and I'm the one who will crash and burn.

This isn't your concern right now, your kids are. Your mission is them and getting them out of the shit show of a family they have found themselves in. You crashed and burned some ago my darling, here is the door to walk through where it gets much much better for all of you.

Just do the next right thing. Make the phone calls. Feed the kids and yourself, and get through the day. Repeat. Tell your family the truth about what has been happening, all of it. Get support.

I would rather have my child witness the police coming for their dad than witnessing their dad hurting or killing their mother or sibling.

You WILL be a phoenix, you will rise from the flames.

This man has repeatedly strangled you, the prime indicator that he will try to kill you. He has ruined your relationships with friends and family. You think you love him, but he doesn’t love you.

You need to keep yourself safe and keep your children safe. This man is a very serious threat to you and the children, he is not safe to be with you. Growing up without a violent parent is not a bad thing, this is not a repeat of your childhood, separate that out from the current situation. Keep yourself and your children away from this idiot.

You will definitely get past this stage , in the future you'll be able to see what we can all see , he's an abuser.
Even as he's leaving he's trying to blame your mental health.
I can guarantee your mental health will improve once he's gone.
You sound like you have some good support from your family, it really is for the best that he goes.

Good luck , stay strong.

And if you speak to the police from your sisters, your children don't need to witness anything.

You can report what's happened - the emotional abuse, coercive control and physical abuse, including crucially the strangling, and they will go to arrest him while you and the kids are out of the house so your children won't witness anything.

They can then have an IDVA (see below) advocate help you with next steps and options to keep you safe so you have a plan of action.

You need to make the first step today while you're 'allowed' out with the kids and call the police or go to a police station.

You might not get another chance to do this as easily. By easily I don't mean it's easy, I mean it's easier because you've been 'allowed' out by him so it's one less barrier.

Please don't put this off. Today is the day.

Put your kids first.

safelives.org.uk/what-is-an-idva

From reading your posts, I am certain that your DC feel loved. They feel wanted, they feel safe with you. They are fed and entertained.

All of that means that you are not a shit mum. You've been a good mum and you (with the support of loving sisters) will build a safe, happy and nurturing home for the three of you. You will rebuild your self esteem and find your place in a network of friends.

I urge you to speak with WA today. Ask them to signpost you to any local support and to help you ensure your ex leaves today. Call your council today to explain your new circumstances. Call CAB to ask the to help you apply for financial support.

It would be very easy for your ex to persuade you that he's willing to give you another chance, and he won't leave today. Please, please, please stay strong and resist this for your sake and the the sake of your DC.

You have a future to look forward to.

Please call the police and report. Hopefully they’ll consider a domestic violence protection notice which will fully keep him away for 28 days if converted to an order.

Then apply for a restraining order and occupation order ncdv.org.uk

Apply for UC today and make a note that it’s an untidy tenancy and you are currently responsible for paying all the rent.

TBH this is assuming he leaves. I don’t think he will. You might need to flee via council homelessness.

Thank God you are finally separating.
Please don’t beg for him to stay.

Poor kids have been in this situation way too long!

How much money do you get a week?

Make sure as soon as his name is off the tenancy that you make a single claim for UC.

Do you know anything about domestic abuse and coercive control?

I am amazed that there are still people who think like this. Women who genuinely thrive on 'drama' tend to generate it not live in fear of it.

I am an educated, smart, outgoing, career minded woman with lots of friends and resources who was in a relationship like this for DECADES because the damage to my self-esteem and ability to form rational judgements was so huge. I was like a rabbit in the headlights - too scared to leave because I knew the fall-out from me leaving had the potential to escalate beyond the abuse I was already living with, but unable to change my home situation because the person I was living with was so good at what he was doing to me.

Please don't judge the OP for staying. It's really not as easy as 'just leaving'.

OP. I know a large part of you being scared to leave is because you don’t know what the future holds or how you will move forward. Your feelings will change over time. I imagine you will spend the first week or so in a complete daze, you will be in shock. Then, you will find your resolve and start feeling strong and empowered. After a few weeks you will waver, you will start doubting yourself and your decision, all those things he said to you about being a bad mum etc will start messing with your head, and you’ll find yourself missing him and thinking of all the good times… but you must stay strong for your children and for your future happiness. Make sure you have a counsellor to talk things through with, and that you see them more than once a week if necessary. Keep family close by. Put aside any shame you may feel and tell them EVERYTHING, so they are fully clued up on the abuse. Come on mumsnet every day and be reminded why you left and that you made the correct decision and that life will get better.

It will be hard at first. But you must keep your eye on the prize, think about the long term, think about your children, and just keep going. Eventually you’ll reach a more peaceful and accepting state of mind and will be able to embrace your future and thank god you left when you did.

You aren’t the mum he says you are op. He could say he literally thinks you are a twinkywonk from in the night garden and he wouldn’t be more wrong. He knows it’s not true as well, he is just enjoying saying it to make you feel bad, and because thinking bad things about you helps him to feel better about himself. You need to stop listening to anything he says really, and keep him out of your life. I’m so glad you’ve told your sister.

@bobdear - on reflection I totally take that back, must have caught me at a bad moment! . I'm just so frustrated for this lady. Personally I would grit my teeth and make the police aware and see if they can get him out . I don't think she should have to go anywhere, but she does need him out and it can't go in like this.

@Crikeyalmighty I'm glad you responded - thank you. It IS frustrating when you are on the outside - it's so obvious that she needs to leave - but when you are in the eye of the storm it is like wading through treacle just to survive a day never mind, take such big and decisive action.

OP - he has haded you an opportunity to end this marriage with his ego being assured that it was his choice. This is exactly what you want - no blame on you for the split.

Be sad but resolved. Do not let him backtrack once he sees you are in agreement. This is a golden ticket I wish I'd been given.

@SunnyD44 she doesn’t need to wait til he’s off the tenancy to make a claim to UC. In fact sooner she does the claim the better.

It isn’t easy and quick to get someone off a social housing tenancy even when they agree. The housing officer needs to get consent from both parties, then draw up a deed of assignment and arrange to see both to get it signed.

In the case where one doesn’t agree it’s much harder. Normally a case of go through the courts if no agreement. However in the case of DV they may agree notice from one of the tenant. If the clause says either tenant can give notice and then reissue in the name of the one saying with children. However I’d want to see police evidence of domestic abuse and advice from children services before I’d do that.

she doesn’t need to wait til he’s off the tenancy to make a claim to UC. In fact sooner she does the claim the better.

It isn’t easy and quick to get someone off a social housing tenancy even when they agree. The housing officer needs to get consent from both parties, then draw up a deed of assignment and arrange to see both to get it signed.

My apologies, I thought it could mess up the application.

OP please listen to CornishTiger and apply to UC as soon as he moves out and then sort the tenancy out.

That’s good news for you. Go to / or phone your council homeless team today . Tell them you are in fear of violence and that you cannot return to that address. They should ensure you have a safe place to stay (either temporarily accommodation or family) whilst they investigate your claims. Then they should give you homeless priority status which will help you get another property , It’s a long process though. Do NOT under any circumstances give up your council tenancy . You have rights .Because although you might not want this property you do need another property. . He has rights as a tenant too , would he consider moving to a 1 bedroom property if the council offered him. That would ensure continuity for the kids to stay in their current home. Please also report all to the police. . Good luck.

Just seen you posted earlier that he would consider moving out. If he is a joint council tenant get him to approach the council as a relationship breakdown . They should offer him a 1 bed property. Long term he is less likely to be a nuisance to you if he is settled in a secure council tenancy.

I've yet to catch up on all the comments as I'm trying to keep it together for the kids as I'm a complete mess. My sisters are helping me out here now and helped me ring women's aid. I've made the first step. I should be proud but to me it just signifies that it's the end of something. I feel like I'm mouring a death!
I've yet to call the benefits line as we claim together and the money goes to his bank account. I will make that call also but I'm just getting over dealing with making that first call to womens aid. I'm due to meet them next Thurs to arrange stuff and counselling etc.

He has rang the housing office. We have a meeting to take his name off the tenancy also... You see this makes me think he's not abusive as he could make this so much worse by refusing to leave etc... The fact that he's actually doing things on his side has me questioning if it really all is me. An abusive person who refuse to leave or make it difficult but he's not in regards to the house or the kids.

@littlerayofsunshine0 just because he's not as abusive as he could be doesn't mean he's not abusive. Please please start to value your worth.