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Original poster

Boyfriend lusting over women on internet

130 replies

Blashed · 26/08/2022 12:22

Hi everyone

I need some advice on whether i am being over reactive. I am 28 and have been with my partner for 2 years and a handful of times there has been issues of him following provocative pages on social media of women (not celebrities) shaking their asses in next to nothing in provocative positions. It makes me feel insecure and unworthy and i had profusely explained this to him during the first few times its happened. Following this he unfollowed the pages.

My self esteem has its highs and lows and these situations take a toll on me. A few days ago he accidentally sent me a youtube video of similar content that i believe he was sharing with his friends and pressed wrong button to which it came to me.

He told me it was an accident he was meant to send something else , then he said he thought i would find it funny and following this told me he sent it to me because she looked like me (fyi she looked nothing like me).

I had ended the relationship during the heat of the moment as i felt so low within myself and not worthy enough. He is now saying he dosent think its a dumpable offence and its only a video despite me explaining countless times how much it hurts me to see him doing this.

Am i over reacting ? Please i am going out of my mind. I love this man but sometimes shit like this makes me feel so low within myself. I would appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 26/08/2022 12:29

No you're not overreacting. Keep your bar high and keep respecting yourself. Not all men do this shite.

sofap · 26/08/2022 12:33

No you aren't overreacting. Again not all men do this shite.

I had a boyfriend who it turns out watched porn regularly, and I found out it was the reason our sex life became impacted. It impacted my self esteem and the way I looked at myself; I confronted him about it, he said our relationship meant more to him than watching porn (fucking obviously as it shouldHmm?) and he would stop. Stopped for about a week before he did again.

They. Don't. Change.

And you don't have to put up with this. your boundaries are your boundaries and there are men out there who do not do this.

yellowsmileyface · 26/08/2022 12:34

He doesn't get to decide what's a "dumpable" offence. It's very manipulative of him to say that.

He doesn't respect you, or women in general. A lack of respect is a very valid reason to end things. You deserve better than this.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 26/08/2022 12:44

However you feel about the videos or websites themselves, for some reason it feels like a step too far when they follow or like the video.

I totally get that looking in the first place crosses boundaries for many, but for me the 'liking or following' feels like some very lame attempt to form some kind of pathetic connection to the woman in the video.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2022 13:51

He is now saying he dosent think its a dumpable offence

He doesn't get to decide whether it's a dumpable offence for you or not.

You're not over reacting. Your boundaries are your boundaries and I wish I'd had firmer ones in my 20s, tbh.

I'm 48 and I would dump for this.

MMmomDD · 26/08/2022 14:07

It doesn’t really matter what he thinks - you can decide something in the relationship doesn’t work for you - and leave over any reason, really. Even if the whole world disagrees. It’s your life.

Personally, however - at 28 your self esteem shouldn’t depend so much on other people’s attractiveness in nude. If not with this bf - it’ll come up again in your next relationship. You need to figure out how to deal with it.

What will you do at a beach with a partner - surrounded by beautiful semi-naked women . Would you expect him to wear a helmet and pretend he doesn’t see them, and doesn’t find them attractive?
What will you do when you are 40, 50… and there still be younger prettier slimmer women everywhere around you and whoever you are with?

Sending videos around is a juvenile thing to do. Sure. Younger men seem to like doing it. Women do too, sometimes - I guess we have all seen dancing half naked santas, firefighters, etc.

Please do find some other, internal sources of self esteem. You have a long life ahead of you.

FartSock5000 · 26/08/2022 14:44

My DH and his brother are like this. DH is loyal, never interested in porn or looking at other woman. Doesn't even click to like on the booty shakers or titty jigglers on social media. His brother on the other hand... Despite being married will share porn, vids and pics and has his eyes on every other woman than his wife and now their marriage is crumbling.

There are men who are immature and feel the need to ogle others but there are also just as many men who will only have eyes for 1 woman.

Let this one go. He can't give you what you need and your self esteem will be in tatters while you try to keep his attention on you.

OopsAnotherOne · 26/08/2022 14:49

You set your own boundaries OP and if this is one of them, he doesn't get to tell you otherwise. He knows you don't like it and you know it hurts your self esteem. To continue looking at them despite knowing it hurts you is one thing, to rub it in your face and "accidentally" send you a link is a whole different kettle of fish.

Instead of apologising profusely and doing anything/everything to fix it, he just tried to minimise how you were feeling and justify it. This isn't someone you want to be with - not all men are like this, I PROMISE you that. Don't settle for less just because it's the path of less resistance.

Original poster
Blashed · 26/08/2022 15:13

Opaljewel · 26/08/2022 12:29

No you're not overreacting. Keep your bar high and keep respecting yourself. Not all men do this shite.

Thank you

I have accepted it one to many times with him and i didnt realise how much it was impacting me until i started to become unhappy within myself and started changing things

OP posts:
Original poster
Blashed · 26/08/2022 15:17

sofap · 26/08/2022 12:33

No you aren't overreacting. Again not all men do this shite.

I had a boyfriend who it turns out watched porn regularly, and I found out it was the reason our sex life became impacted. It impacted my self esteem and the way I looked at myself; I confronted him about it, he said our relationship meant more to him than watching porn (fucking obviously as it shouldHmm?) and he would stop. Stopped for about a week before he did again.

They. Don't. Change.

And you don't have to put up with this. your boundaries are your boundaries and there are men out there who do not do this.

Your absoloutely right , we had this issue a year ago, his friends were sending pornographic pictures of just straight up vaginas on his phone and i happened to come across it as he was scrolling. He told me thats what men do. I was repulsed but he assured me that he was removing himself from these groups and apologised profusely.

I personally find it revolting and disrespectful but gave chances because i thought he would change

OP posts:
Original poster
Blashed · 26/08/2022 15:20

yellowsmileyface · 26/08/2022 12:34

He doesn't get to decide what's a "dumpable" offence. It's very manipulative of him to say that.

He doesn't respect you, or women in general. A lack of respect is a very valid reason to end things. You deserve better than this.

His response was i know your angry but is this really what your going to tell people you left a two year relationship over???? It just made me question if i was over reacting.

I did feel disrespected as its happened a good few times now.

OP posts:
5128gap · 26/08/2022 15:22

Blashed · 26/08/2022 15:20

His response was i know your angry but is this really what your going to tell people you left a two year relationship over???? It just made me question if i was over reacting.

I did feel disrespected as its happened a good few times now.

Show quote history

I think if you were to tell people you left a two year relationship because you found out he was a sleezy sad act obsessed with leering at women on line, they'd probably understand tbh.

Original poster
Blashed · 26/08/2022 15:24

OopsAnotherOne · 26/08/2022 14:49

You set your own boundaries OP and if this is one of them, he doesn't get to tell you otherwise. He knows you don't like it and you know it hurts your self esteem. To continue looking at them despite knowing it hurts you is one thing, to rub it in your face and "accidentally" send you a link is a whole different kettle of fish.

Instead of apologising profusely and doing anything/everything to fix it, he just tried to minimise how you were feeling and justify it. This isn't someone you want to be with - not all men are like this, I PROMISE you that. Don't settle for less just because it's the path of less resistance.

Thank you, your absoloutely right. I had set these boundaries but he continues to demonstrate that he is going to do what he wants regardless of how much it hurts me.

Absolutely, its one thing not knowing about it but knowing he is forwarding these to his friends feels humiliating, the thought of knowing his friends also know he disrespects me.

When he apologised i was very upset and then he became defensive using things against me, because at the time i wssent receptive.

Thank you for validating my feelings.

OP posts:
blueberry2105 · 26/08/2022 15:30

Not over reacting at all if he says or does something that makes YOU feel bad or worse about yourself you don't have to justify it. All that matters is he is making you feel this way.

I have a partner who spent most of his flirting time (the part where he was trying to get me to be his gf 🤣) telling me how much he liked big boobs and how I didn't have a womanly figure..... fucking bullshit as I'm a pear shape but because I'm slim it comes across hourglass without the boobs lol. So I'm naturally a curvy girl. (I'm a 34B) so not flat Chested as such. Then when he started to actually fall for me he made a few comments about my boobs being small and as time went on it started to grind me down. I would start hating women with bigger boobs I would hey jealous and my mind would go crazy thinking every girl that walked past was sexier to him than I ever will be.

I even considered a boob job I went for a consultation I convinced myself it was the best way to keep him.

Eventually I just told him straight it kills me that you don't like my boobs to which he said "I love your boobs" but it was too late I had low self esteem I couldn't erase everything he has said to me. We got on well for a few years I even gained almost a stone I got slightly bigger boobies he never made me feel inadequate and then last week he made a joke about my boobs being small and I lost my shit

I started crying I hated myself again I argued with him I wanted to die I felt that bad. All because of one little tiny joke but it's deep rooted I told myself it was in his head this whole time he's been holding back saying anything in the past but maybe he looks at other women online maybe he will leave me as soon as someone better comes along.

It destroyed my soul I felt trapped and insecure my self esteem dropped so fast I felt like I lost my world all because of a joke.

But the insecurity is mine it's not him. I should know that I am worth more than this. Men do look at women online (some do) but this is not because you are not good enough. In fact you're better. Speak to him again and tell him you've had enough of being disrespected. Build your self confidence do things that make you feel good. Don't need anyone to prove to you that you're amazing.

Sick of men that lower a woman's self esteem and won't take responsibility for it. My ex was addicted to porn after we split up he even admitted it went further than just watching women online but by then I stopped loving him enough to give a crap.

I have met men that have made me feel the most beautiful girl alive. You don't need this guy and you have no over reacted your feelings are valid.

Sunnytwobridges · 26/08/2022 18:27

You are def not overreacting. I have a married guy friend who stays on Instagram looking at half naked women. I only know cause he always makes comments about them being half naked. I'm sure his wife doesn't know and I feel sorry for her. I would drop anyone I was dating if he was constantly oogling naked women on social media. Its really gross and immature.

EarthSight · 26/08/2022 21:33

He sounds like a sleezebag OP.

Imagine him at 60 years old doing this, because a lot of men of this type are simply like that - they don't neccessarily get better as they get older. They continue to pant at really young women all the time. Do you want to risk being wit someone like that?

5128gap · 26/08/2022 21:37

EarthSight · 26/08/2022 21:33

He sounds like a sleezebag OP.

Imagine him at 60 years old doing this, because a lot of men of this type are simply like that - they don't neccessarily get better as they get older. They continue to pant at really young women all the time. Do you want to risk being wit someone like that?

This is so true! If they haven't grown out of it by the time they find a real life woman, its who they are. Dirty old men waiting to age into the role.

PastMidnight · 26/08/2022 23:00

MMmomDD · Today 14:07 - I love your post.

Blashed - a few points.

Firstly, don't depend on other people's affirmation of your own value to value yourself. It's not relevant to your value, to your self-esteem, what he thinks.

Secondly, if you depend on him for at least some of your self-esteem, assume he's not going to change and leave him, because he will only change if he wants to change. This applies to all people, regardless of the problem in hand. People don't change because you bully them into it, they only change because they want to. If his behaviour causes you all these negative feelings, take yourself out of this toxic situation. It's not good for your wellbeing.

Lastly, I'm a grandmother and I've never in my life met a single man who is not turned on by naked ladies unless he's gay or otherwise just not interested in women. Maybe you need to accept that? It strikes me that if he approached this in a more sensitive way, you wouldn't feel so upset. Perhaps tell him that you accept he's a guy so he likes looking at naked women but you'd prefer it to be less in your face? He's still going to forward this stuff with his friends but who cares? The women in the films aren't dating him so why do you think they're a threat to your relationship? They're not, and they have no bearing on his respect for you unless he's taken porn to another level and actually believes that it is representative of what real women are like. Any man with a modicum of intelligence does know the difference between fantasy and reality. If he's in the small minority that doesn't know the difference, run for the hills while you have the chance.

PastMidnight · 26/08/2022 23:04

By 'single man' I don't mean a man who is single! I mean any man :)

5128gap · 27/08/2022 08:13

PastMidnight · 26/08/2022 23:00

MMmomDD · Today 14:07 - I love your post.

Blashed - a few points.

Firstly, don't depend on other people's affirmation of your own value to value yourself. It's not relevant to your value, to your self-esteem, what he thinks.

Secondly, if you depend on him for at least some of your self-esteem, assume he's not going to change and leave him, because he will only change if he wants to change. This applies to all people, regardless of the problem in hand. People don't change because you bully them into it, they only change because they want to. If his behaviour causes you all these negative feelings, take yourself out of this toxic situation. It's not good for your wellbeing.

Lastly, I'm a grandmother and I've never in my life met a single man who is not turned on by naked ladies unless he's gay or otherwise just not interested in women. Maybe you need to accept that? It strikes me that if he approached this in a more sensitive way, you wouldn't feel so upset. Perhaps tell him that you accept he's a guy so he likes looking at naked women but you'd prefer it to be less in your face? He's still going to forward this stuff with his friends but who cares? The women in the films aren't dating him so why do you think they're a threat to your relationship? They're not, and they have no bearing on his respect for you unless he's taken porn to another level and actually believes that it is representative of what real women are like. Any man with a modicum of intelligence does know the difference between fantasy and reality. If he's in the small minority that doesn't know the difference, run for the hills while you have the chance.

Why would she need to accept he 'likes looking at naked ladies' when she doesn't like him doing it? Women don't owe relationships to men and are perfectly entitled to dispense with those who don't meet their standards.
The OP is a young woman with no doubt multiple options. She has no shared history or ties with this man, so why at this stage in her life should she compromise?
You may well be right that all men are turned on by looking at pictures of naked women or leering at their bodies on the beach, but there are plenty who seem to manage to control themselves.
If the OP suffers from low self esteem (which is perhaps unsurprising when her partner is sleezy, untruthful and manipulative) the last thing she needs is to be urged to find ways to accept his behaviour. That's basically tantamount to telling her his wishes matter more than hers, when she, and all women, should actually be encouraged to believe their standards are valid and they have the right to insist they're met.

Yukkityyak · 27/08/2022 08:19

PastMidnight · 26/08/2022 23:00

MMmomDD · Today 14:07 - I love your post.

Blashed - a few points.

Firstly, don't depend on other people's affirmation of your own value to value yourself. It's not relevant to your value, to your self-esteem, what he thinks.

Secondly, if you depend on him for at least some of your self-esteem, assume he's not going to change and leave him, because he will only change if he wants to change. This applies to all people, regardless of the problem in hand. People don't change because you bully them into it, they only change because they want to. If his behaviour causes you all these negative feelings, take yourself out of this toxic situation. It's not good for your wellbeing.

Lastly, I'm a grandmother and I've never in my life met a single man who is not turned on by naked ladies unless he's gay or otherwise just not interested in women. Maybe you need to accept that? It strikes me that if he approached this in a more sensitive way, you wouldn't feel so upset. Perhaps tell him that you accept he's a guy so he likes looking at naked women but you'd prefer it to be less in your face? He's still going to forward this stuff with his friends but who cares? The women in the films aren't dating him so why do you think they're a threat to your relationship? They're not, and they have no bearing on his respect for you unless he's taken porn to another level and actually believes that it is representative of what real women are like. Any man with a modicum of intelligence does know the difference between fantasy and reality. If he's in the small minority that doesn't know the difference, run for the hills while you have the chance.

I’m also a grandmother but I’m wise enough to the world to know that only fans and todays internet world is not just looking at a naked women as you make it so innocently sound

sure many men like looking at and desiring other women just as many women like being looked at and feeling desired - so do you also think it’s ok for married or partnered women to send naked pics to other men to get attention and feel desired . Or do you have a double standard around that like most men do and think they should be able to look at other women sexual and orgasm over them but no man should look at the woman they are with and do the same

there is absolutely no reason in the world for any women to put up with this rubbish . If he hadn’t hit the respect for her to not wank over other womens naked images why the hell should she owe him one ounce of respect

Yukkityyak · 27/08/2022 08:22

5128gap · 27/08/2022 08:13

Why would she need to accept he 'likes looking at naked ladies' when she doesn't like him doing it? Women don't owe relationships to men and are perfectly entitled to dispense with those who don't meet their standards.
The OP is a young woman with no doubt multiple options. She has no shared history or ties with this man, so why at this stage in her life should she compromise?
You may well be right that all men are turned on by looking at pictures of naked women or leering at their bodies on the beach, but there are plenty who seem to manage to control themselves.
If the OP suffers from low self esteem (which is perhaps unsurprising when her partner is sleezy, untruthful and manipulative) the last thing she needs is to be urged to find ways to accept his behaviour. That's basically tantamount to telling her his wishes matter more than hers, when she, and all women, should actually be encouraged to believe their standards are valid and they have the right to insist they're met.

Show quote history

exactly . Why should a man’s desire to play with his Willy whilst wanking over random women outweigh her feelings
women have a right to have boundaries in their relationships and many ( most I dare say ) women don’t care less if that means being free and single rather than with some pathetic sleaze who’s still gonna be wanking over 18 yr olds when he’s 60

5128gap · 27/08/2022 08:29

@Yukkityyak I couldn't agree more. I'm in that age group too, and cringe when I see our peers encouraging younger women to put up with this type of thing because that's what men are like, bless them! I'm inclined to agree that some posters have either come up with a sanitized version of what this behaviour really looks like, or are rather unfortunate that the sleezy man they met, decades ago, and are tied and committed to, represents the best a woman can hope for.

legalseagull · 27/08/2022 08:40

"We split up because he's a sleezy perv"

legalseagull · 27/08/2022 08:44

I would also end a relationship over this OP. Not necessarily if DH looked at porn, although I wouldn't like it. But I would end a relationship if he was sharing images and videos with his mates like some disgusting sexed up teenage boy. It's immature and sexist and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who so openly disrespected me.