Boyfriend lusting over women on internet

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Hi everyone

I need some advice on whether i am being over reactive. I am 28 and have been with my partner for 2 years and a handful of times there has been issues of him following provocative pages on social media of women (not celebrities) shaking their asses in next to nothing in provocative positions. It makes me feel insecure and unworthy and i had profusely explained this to him during the first few times its happened. Following this he unfollowed the pages.

My self esteem has its highs and lows and these situations take a toll on me. A few days ago he accidentally sent me a youtube video of similar content that i believe he was sharing with his friends and pressed wrong button to which it came to me.

He told me it was an accident he was meant to send something else , then he said he thought i would find it funny and following this told me he sent it to me because she looked like me (fyi she looked nothing like me).

I had ended the relationship during the heat of the moment as i felt so low within myself and not worthy enough. He is now saying he dosent think its a dumpable offence and its only a video despite me explaining countless times how much it hurts me to see him doing this.

Am i over reacting ? Please i am going out of my mind. I love this man but sometimes shit like this makes me feel so low within myself. I would appreciate the advice.

”Is this really what your going to tell people you left a two year relationship over??”

Yes indeed. And it would be his shame, not yours.

You seem that you are going to end or have ended this relationship and it is or would be the right thing to do.

Blueberry, I was going to ask why are you still with this man who deliberately hurts you? Now I’m hoping you mean he’s the porn-addicted ex you mention. If so, well done for getting out. I hope OP does too.

He is now saying he dosent think its a dumpable offence
😂😂😂

Well - he WOULD say that, wouldn't he!
Here's news dear OP - you don't need his approval of what constitutes a dumping offence - & you don't need his permission to dump him.

You could dump him for this, or because you don't like the way he eats lettuce, or because you hate his taste in trainers.
Personally, I'd dump him for being a sleaze & a liar -
He told me it was an accident he was meant to send something else , then he said he thought i would find it funny and following this told me he sent it to me because she looked like me (fyi she looked nothing like me).
A stupid liar as that, whose lies did nothing to mitigate his sleazy behaviour.

But YOU can dump him, or stay with him, for any reason you choose.
Your reasons are for you, & they are good enough.
And no - you are not being unreasonable & you are not "over-reacting".

His response was i know your angry but is this really what your going to tell people you left a two year relationship over???? It just made me question if i was over reacting.

"No mate - I'm gonna tell everyone I dumped you because you're a twat. Now piss off, sleazeball."

"Women don't owe relationships to men and are perfectly entitled to dispense with those who don't meet their standards"

I'm glad you agree with me when I said:
"If his behaviour causes you all these negative feelings, take yourself out of this toxic situation. It's not good for your wellbeing."

"the last thing she needs is to be urged to find ways to accept his behaviour."

Again, I'm glad you agree with me. Which poster urged her to find ways to accept his behaviour?

If the OP decides to stay in the relationship, I stand by my point that she needs to accept that he likes looking at porn, as do most men IMO. You seem to agree with this statement when you refer to some men "controlling themselves". Personally I think it's more a case of them looking at porn in secret.

"If the OP suffers from low self esteem (which is perhaps unsurprising when her partner is sleezy, untruthful and manipulative)"

I don't believe it's helpful to suggest that women should depend on their partners for their self-esteem.

Gross. You're not overreacting. You're better off without.

"sure many men like looking at and desiring other women just as many women like being looked at and feeling desired - so do you also think it’s ok for married or partnered women to send naked pics to other men to get attention and feel desired . Or do you have a double standard around that like most men do and think they should be able to look at other women sexual and orgasm over them but no man should look at the woman they are with and do the same"

I don't think it's for me to lecture married or partnered women or anyone else for that matter with regard to whether or not it's acceptable for them to look at porn either separately or together. What's important is what is acceptable to them in their relationship. If one partner is looking at porn and it's a deal breaker for the other one then the one for whom it's a deal breaker has to end the relationship, obviously.

"there is absolutely no reason in the world for any women to put up with this rubbish"

You don't speak for all women. You speak for yourself. Not all women mind porn. Some enjoy it.

"women have a right to have boundaries in their relationships"

I agree. Did someone say they shouldn't have boundaries?

"@Yukkityyak I couldn't agree more. I'm in that age group too, and cringe when I see our peers encouraging younger women to put up with this type of thing because that's what men are like, bless them! I'm inclined to agree that some posters have either come up with a sanitized version of what this behaviour really looks like, or are rather unfortunate that the sleezy man they met, decades ago, and are tied and committed to, represents the best a woman can hope for."

Who encouraged the OP to "put up" with anything? I didn't see that.

Please don't profess to speak for all women. You don't empower women by sticking your head in the sand and hoping that porn will go away if we pretend it's not there. You empower them by teaching them how to deal with it. I stand by my original point that the OP needs to accept that her partner looks at porn, otherwise leave him. You can't change someone else but you can change the way you respond to them. In general, I think most hurt is caused by the secrecy surrounding looking at porn and calling people sleazy for looking at porn is far more likely to make them hide it, which is totally counter-productive.

No I don’t agree with your statement when I say men ‘ controlling themselves ‘ only a percentage of very alert men would have a problem controlling themselves over porn

Good luck with your one-woman campaign to get men to 'control themselves' and stop them from looking at porn. I prefer to deal with reality.

@PastMidnight
‘"If the OP suffers from low self esteem (which is perhaps unsurprising when her partner is sleezy, untruthful and manipulative)"

I don't believe it's helpful to suggest that women should depend on their partners for their self-esteem.’

im not sure why your addressing mr in a quote that wasn’t mine . I didn’t say what you quoted above however I will weigh in
I don’t believe that a woman who won’t tolerate sleepy behaviour and porn when it’s a deal breaker for her has low self esteem at all
i believe standing up to the pro porn stance and mysogyny takes a hell of a lot of self esteem that only very strong women can handle

as for those who enjoy porn … true . I personally can’t reconcile how one can be comfortable with being cool with getting off on Girls who’s age / state of mind / consent given or not simply can’t be known with certainty
there’s zero way one knows for sure that the ‘ actresses ‘ are not coerced and that they are not supporting sites that have absolutely horrendous even illegal material
if someone’s prepared to do thag or feels that they ag r a way to know for sure the truth of what they are watchinv then that’s on them but no woman has to put up with that in her relationship if she is not comfortable with it

I’m not on any campaign but I give grounded advice that women who feel the same certainly don’t have to throw their arms in the air and listen to ridiculous mysogynistic advice that all men do it and it’s ‘normal ‘ and to lower her standards
I choose what I allow into my life just as the OP can , and as a result I don’t allow sleazy men in

"I don’t believe that a woman who won’t tolerate sleepy behaviour and porn when it’s a deal breaker for her has low self esteem at all"

That's a straw man. I have never said, or implied that someone who doesn't tolerate porn has low self-esteem. I said that one should not depend on someone else for their self-esteem. That's a completely different statement.

"but no woman has to put up with that in her relationship if she is not comfortable with it"

I never said she did need to put up with it.

'I’m not on any campaign but I give grounded advice that women who feel the same certainly don’t have to throw their arms in the air and listen to ridiculous mysogynistic advice that all men do it and it’s ‘normal ‘ and to lower her standards

I choose what I allow into my life just as the OP can , and as a result I don’t allow sleazy men in"

Again, you're attempting to speak for all women. It's not relevant what YOU think of porn, nor what I think of porn. What is relevant is what works (or not) for the couple in question. Personally I find that discussion works better than lecturing people on their morals.

if by what I think of porn is an industry has a history of abusing women and girls I think you’ll find that’s not just my opinion but actual fact , look up legal cases , look up the stats on abuse

or do you mean the FACT that the viewer has no way of Knowing consent was being given ( that is unless you have each actress sign on her age , know she’s not lying or coerced?)

people can make their own choice whether to watch or not but these issues DO a exist

You seem to think porn is fine or be very uneducated or not care about these issues . it seems to be YOU who is the one who wants to turn a blind eye to what doesn’t suit you

i speak for all women in that none of us have to tolerate behaviour we find unacceptable

maybe instead of telling women men all do this unless they are gay you could spend some time telling them that regardless of what some men might want to do they don’t have to tolerate it !

@PastMidnight
’Again, you're attempting to speak for all women. It's not relevant what YOU think of porn, nor what I think of porn. What is relevant is what works (or not) for the couple in question. Personally I find that discussion works better than lecturing people on their morals.

now there is something we actually agree on . The OP had made it very clear she’s unhappy with this so clearly SHE finds this behaviour sleazy and unacceptable and does not believe all men do this unless they are gay …

i find that actually supporting people who are listening to their feelings works better than lecturing with sexist advice on how all men are

You are worth more.

I agree with many of your sentiments about the porn industry. What's this got to do with the OP's post?

"people can make their own choice whether to watch or not but these issues DO a exist"

Yes, I believe I was the one pointing out that there's no point in sticking our heads in the sand and pretending that porn doesn't exist.

"You seem to think porn is fine or be very uneducated or not care about these issues "

Really? I don't believe I've expressed a view on porn except to note that it exists and that on the whole, most men watch it to varying degrees.

"i speak for all women in that none of us have to tolerate behaviour we find unacceptable"

Yep, I agree. Did someone suggest that we should tolerate behaviour we find unacceptable?

"maybe instead of telling women men all do this unless they are gay you could spend some time telling them that regardless of what some men might want to do they don’t have to tolerate it !"

You mean like when I said in my original post: "If his behaviour causes you all these negative feelings, take yourself out of this toxic situation"?

"now there is something we actually agree on . The OP had made it very clear she’s unhappy with this so clearly SHE finds this behaviour sleazy and unacceptable and does not believe all men do this unless they are gay …"

The OP was asking for views. If she doesn't like my post she can ignore it in the same way as she can ignore yours.

"i find that actually supporting people who are listening to their feelings works better than lecturing with sexist advice on how all men are"

I have never spoken for all men. I have merely stated that on the whole they like looking at naked ladies /porn. There's nothing sexist about it, it's simply a fact.

@PastMidnight
You mean like when I said in my original post: "If his behaviour causes you all these negative feelings, take yourself out of this toxic situation"?

no issue with this at all
what I thought was unreadable was the blurb about how you’ve never met a man not interested in looking at naked women … maybe you should just accept this ? Then suggesting she tell him she understands but ask him to be less in her face with it

why normalise it and tell her how to accomodate him .. she doesn’t find it acceptable and therefore doesn’t need to find ways to accomodate this behaviour

Don't lower your bar for men, OP. Society already pressures women to accept all sorts of shit behaviour from them. Keep it nice and high, know what behaviour you won't tolerate. There are plenty of men who don't do this shite, and if there weren't, better to be single imo.

"what I thought was unreadable was the blurb about how you’ve never met a man not interested in looking at naked women … maybe you should just accept this ?"

If she decides to stay with him because his looking at porn is not a deal-breaker, then she will need to accept that men like looking at porn. The alternative is to try to change him and I don't think that will work.

"why normalise it and tell her how to accomodate him .. she doesn’t find it acceptable and therefore doesn’t need to find ways to accomodate this behaviour"

I didn't tell her to accommodate him. It would be much quicker if you could be courteous enough to read posts properly before replying. I would not tell someone what to do, it's her decision. If she decides to stay with him, what do you suggest she does? Raid his cupboards for porn mags? Stand on duty at the bathroom door?

I've no idea whether most men like looking at porn or not. Who knows people's private minds? You can only go on behaviour. I do know that there are men who value their relationship with a real life woman enough not to risk it for a little sleezy solo pleasure.
You did indeed say leave him if she couldn't deal with his porn use.
But the paragraph which starts 'I'm a grandmother' and includes the phrases
'maybe you need to accept that'
'perhaps tell him you know he's a guy so he likes looking at naked women but could he be less in your face'
'he's going to foward this stuff to his friends. Who cares?'
Was also written by you?
Because the implication in that paragraph is very clearly that the OP could deal with it (if only she could get that pesky self esteem under control and stop seeing the 'naked ladies' as a threat) as its nothing really. In your words, who cares?
its a bit disingenuous to ignore the main thrust of your own post which is to excuse and minimise his behaviour, and highlight only the part where you make a fleeting mention of leaving.
I completely agree women shouldn't depend on men for their self esteem. But that doesn't negate the fact that being in a relationship with the type of low level individual who sends pictures of female genitalia to his friends, who lies and then manipulates his partner into thinking she's at fault, wouldn't take its toll. You don't need to rely on some one to give you self esteem for them to nevertheless have the ability to dent it through their prolonged poor treatment of you.