Boyfriend lusting over women on internet

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Hi everyone

I need some advice on whether i am being over reactive. I am 28 and have been with my partner for 2 years and a handful of times there has been issues of him following provocative pages on social media of women (not celebrities) shaking their asses in next to nothing in provocative positions. It makes me feel insecure and unworthy and i had profusely explained this to him during the first few times its happened. Following this he unfollowed the pages.

My self esteem has its highs and lows and these situations take a toll on me. A few days ago he accidentally sent me a youtube video of similar content that i believe he was sharing with his friends and pressed wrong button to which it came to me.

He told me it was an accident he was meant to send something else , then he said he thought i would find it funny and following this told me he sent it to me because she looked like me (fyi she looked nothing like me).

I had ended the relationship during the heat of the moment as i felt so low within myself and not worthy enough. He is now saying he dosent think its a dumpable offence and its only a video despite me explaining countless times how much it hurts me to see him doing this.

Am i over reacting ? Please i am going out of my mind. I love this man but sometimes shit like this makes me feel so low within myself. I would appreciate the advice.

What you've quoted was written by 5128gap, not by me, and she's agreeing with you. 😂😂😂

I said in my first post that it might be best for her to leave him.

If she decided to stay with him, we could have had a discussion about compromise, about why lies and manipulation are not acceptable and so on. Unfortunately, such a conversation was closed down at a very early stage by many of the posters here shouting about their views on porn.

I don't know what the specific images were that were being circulated but I'm sure they'll be circulated for years to come in the same way that prostitution will be here for years to come. It's a fact of life and I don't think accepting that as a fact is regressive or disempowers women. Closing down reasonable conversations about the presence of porn in relationships on the other hand I do believe disempowers women.

Yes I realised that after rereading it . The part about. Shaking our heads at helium you g women sounded a so much like things you’ve previously said about women being insecure and Heliys I mistakenly assumed it was you until I realised it was 5128 referring to people who had those attitudes -
considering so many people take issue with the offensive claims you have made about how men ‘just are ‘ and how women who don’t accept it are jealous and insecure maybe you should take a look at your attitudes around this

@PastMidnight
You make lots of claims about not presuming yo tell people what to do but are keen to reference yourself as a grandmother ( someone who is supposedly experienced and wise ) then go on to TELL women what men do —-
😂😂😂

Yukkityyak.

"Yes I realised that after rereading it . The part about. Shaking our heads at helium you g women sounded a so much like things you’ve previously said about women being insecure and Heliys I mistakenly assumed it was you until I realised it was 5128 referring to people who had those attitudes -"

Sigh. It wasn't me who posted about women's insecurity. It was MMmomDD. I don't understand the rest of what you've said above.

"considering so many people take issue with the offensive claims you have made about how men ‘just are ‘ and how women who don’t accept it are jealous and insecure maybe you should take a look at your attitudes around this"

Sigh. I have never said that women who don't accept 'it' are jealous. Nowhere. I don't think I've even used the word 'jealous' in any of my posts. I have also never said men 'just are' anything. If you are going to allege I said things, please quote specific wording from any of my posts.

I do think people's views on porn are relevant on the thread, as part of the OPs issue was that she thought it was wrong, but her partner was trying to convince her she was over reacting. Reading the views of other women who are also against porn serves as a balance to his one sided self interest.
As I said previously, this thread really isn't about the presence of porn in a relationship in the way you infer. Its about a man doing something his partner dislikes and lying about it. Whether or not women are empowered by the consensual and shared use of porn is an entirely different topic.
I would also disagree with the view that certain things need to be accepted as fact because they've been done a long time. If we subscribed to that we would still be accepting of the sexual attitudes towards women in the 70s and 80s and earlier, which I think we agree were repressive and disempowering.

@PastMidnight
’Lastly, I'm a grandmother and I've never in my life met a single man who is not turned on by naked ladies unless he's gay or otherwise just not interested in women. Maybe you need to accept that? It strikes me that if he approached this in a more sensitive way, you wouldn't feel so upset.’

specific wording . YOUR words . You r never met a man who’s not interested in naked women .
considering the entire OPs post is about PORN you are condoning what he’s doing or in the very least normalising it .
you do in fact go in in a later post to add that you say men are interested in naked women and porn.

You then go on to put the onus on the OP to address the issue in a more sensitucr way . I mean what the he’ll
so he can be completely insensitive use porn eve. He’s in a relationship knowing it hurts her and SHE must be the one to be more sensitive

you got even further to tell her perhaps tell him to keep it out of her face

all this after selling yourself as a grandmother - someone who is supposedly a wise and had life experience

I don't see how you can simultaneously argue that people's views on porn are relevant on the thread whilst stating that "Whether or not women are empowered by the consensual and shared use of porn is an entirely different topic." Either it's an entirely different topic or it isn't. You can't have it both ways.

"this thread really isn't about the presence of porn in a relationship in the way you infer." In that case, why are there so many posts from people discussing porn? Or is it only porn within relationships that you don't want to discuss?

"I would also disagree with the view that certain things need to be accepted as fact because they've been done a long time. If we subscribed to that we would still be accepting of the sexual attitudes towards women in the 70s and 80s and earlier, which I think we agree were repressive and disempowering."

Straw man. I have never stated that something has to be accepted because it's been done for a long time.

"considering the entire OPs post is about PORN you are condoning what he’s doing or in the very least normalising it .
you do in fact go in in a later post to add that you say men are interested in naked women and porn."

Yes, I stand by my assertion that on the whole, men like looking at naked women / porn.

"You then go on to put the onus on the OP to address the issue in a more sensitucr way . I mean what the he’ll

so he can be completely insensitive use porn eve. He’s in a relationship knowing it hurts her and SHE must be the one to be more sensitive"

Well if she had chosen to stay in a relationship with him, the best solution would have been to discuss it, IMO. Simply instructing him to stop would be unlikely to work.

"you got even further to tell her perhaps tell him to keep it out of her face"

That would have been one option.. You advocated that strategy yourself in a post that you have now deleted.

"all this after selling yourself as a grandmother - someone who is supposedly a wise and had life experience"

Not selling myself as anything. I don't need to. Just posting my views.

Its entirely different because one involves a joint choice as a couple. The other involves one party inflicting their preference on another.
I'm not against a discussion about porn use within a relationship. My views on that are very straightforward. People have the right to engage in whatever they choose sexually. But not the right to contribute to the exploitation or suffering of others in doing so. Unless I could be convinced porn was not exploitative, it would be a no from me.
My apologies. You didn't say we should accept things that have been done for a long time. You said we should accept as fact that some things will be done for a long time to come. I disagree with that for the same reasons.

@PastMidnight

"Well if she had chosen to stay in a relationship with him, the best solution would have been to discuss it, IMO. Simply instructing him to stop would be unlikely to work.

and that’s the whole point isn’t it … she HAD not decided to stay with him with his porn use and was very clear how unhappy she was with it … yet here you come suggesting ways for her to accomodate it !

you got even further to tell her perhaps tell him to keep it out of her face"

That would have been one option.. You advocated that strategy yourself in a post that you have now deleted.

ummm no I absolutely did not and never would .
i have deleted one post from this thread and that was the one where I mistakenly quoted 5128
in my wildest dreams I would t presume to tell a woman who is hurt by porn to put up with porn and tell him to keep it out of her face

maybe it’s you who should read the posts more carefully as you seem to be consistently quoting me and other posters interchangeably with is not said

@5128gap
‘Its entirely different because one involves a joint choice as a couple. The other involves one party inflicting their preference on another.
I'm not against a discussion about porn use within a relationship. My views on that are very straightforward. People have the right to engage in whatever they choose sexually. But not the right to contribute to the exploitation or suffering of others in doing so. Unless I could be convinced porn was not exploitative, it would be a no from me.

My apologies. You didn't say we should accept things that have been done for a long time. You said we should accept as fact that some things will be done for a long time to come. I disagree with that for the same reasons.’

absolutrly agree 100 percent especially to the part highlighted .
when I refer to sleezy behaviour as it’s not because I find nudity or sex or even porn in and of itself offensive , it’s because there’s often no way a man ( or woman ) can know if there’s exploitations in the porn they use . To put one’s sexual gratification above human rights if another person is to me very sleazy
if porn can be garanteed to be non exploitative then blah I could t care less who watches it but in truth I can’t see how that is realistic
its seems most viewers don’t even think about these issues and don’t care so long and it’s gives them an orgasm
and as we see so often in these posts don’t even care that it’s hurts their own partners so why would they care about an anonymous person who may be coerced , drugged , not mentally competent or even worse

This is the type of discussion it would have been good to have had much earlier in the thread. A sensible discussion about deciding what is and isn't acceptable within a relationship rather than some people trotting out cliches about porn under the guise of empowering women.

I agree with you that nothing should be inflicted on anyone and consent is the key. If the OP had chosen to stay with her partner, I would have suggested having a conversation along these lines. Other posters might have had other suggestions. Either way, staying with him would have involved accepting that he enjoys porn. Unfortunately, this discussion never happened due to the shouts of "dump him", which might not have been what the OP wanted to do. Sadly she may well have felt pressured to say that's what she's going to do following that shouting whilst not having had the opportunity to explore other avenues.

I stand by my assertion that prostitution and men enjoying looking at naked women will be around for a long time to come. personally I don't have a problem with that.

How do you reconcile those two viewpoints though, that no one should have anything inflicted on them, but that you have no problem with prostitution being around for a long time to come?
I'm genuinely curious as to how you can believe both those things?

Not all prostitution is exploitative, plus we don't live in Utopia so I would prefer to accept it as a fact of life and make it as least exploitative as possible than live in cloud cuckoo land and think it can be stopped. It can't, even if we wanted it to. I think the Dutch have the right idea in this regard.

Likewise, I think it's more empowering to women that women have discussions about porn that involve more thought than "it's all wrong and should be stopped". I also think such discussions are more likely to succeed in changing male behaviour where necessary.

What an amazing post @5128gap !
And this is what I would call an actual and true empowerment!
I’m so tire of people telling women to find their empowerment by having lots of sex and kinks.

I too believe that women who are brave enough to speak againts the misogynistic porn/kink current are the real strong women.
We need women and girls like them.

Who posted that women find their empowerment by having lots of sex and kinks? 😂

‘Not all prostitution is exploitative, plus we don't live in Utopia so I would prefer to accept it as a fact of life and make it as least exploitative as possible than live in cloud cuckoo land and think it can be stopped. It can't, even if we wanted it to. I think the Dutch have the right idea in this regard.’

no one has said it can be stopped but to deny that a huge amount of it is exploitative is yo live in cuckoo cloud land for sure

I haven't stated that a huge amount of prostitution is not exploitative.

how Bout porn ? Is a large amount of that in your opinion exploitative ?

Yes

Yet in you’re own words you’re fine with that
I think that’s very strange . Knowing something won’t be going anywhere is one thing but being fine with it is quite another
i also think it’s very hard to understand how you reconcile that
like you I recognise it’s not going anywhere but I’m certainly not ‘ fine’ with it .
Being fine with something means taking no issue . I certainly take issue with the exploitative nature of much of it and think people do need to start having those conversations. I

I'm not going to engage with you any further because in every post you write, you claim that I've said things I haven't said. It's disingenuous, not a discussion or debate and it's tiresome. I wish you a good day.

sure …. So you didn’t say

‘ I stand by my assertion that prostitution and men enjoying looking at naked women will be around for a long time to come. personally I don't have a problem with that.‘

you openly admit both have a large amount of exploitation yet you don’t have a problem with them
i agree best we don’t engage further

@5128gap That's a great post. I feel exactly the same and have a H that is both prolific (4 or 5 times a week) and secretive . He doesn't know that I know - I've mentioned it twice before casually and he knows my attitude to it but has carried on

It's not a jealousy thing or insecurity- it's the fact I married someone 26 years ago (2nd husband) because he was somewhat 'right on' - he was horrified my 1st husband tried to make me watch porno videos to 'get me more in the mood' . I therefore feel like I married someone who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk -- it's very easy to say well it's not going to go away , most men do it , it's always been around- but personally I would rather be single than accept it - I have somewhat lost faith in men to be honest to show some decency and respect when partners aren't ok with it. I haven't left because I'm not in a great position to and we do get on ok generally but the porn is just part of the story of general lack of putting me first and I suspect it's the case with many other women- it's part of the issue, not the whole issue and contributes to a bigger picture.