Boyfriend lusting over women on internet

[Blashed]

Hi everyone

I need some advice on whether i am being over reactive. I am 28 and have been with my partner for 2 years and a handful of times there has been issues of him following provocative pages on social media of women (not celebrities) shaking their asses in next to nothing in provocative positions. It makes me feel insecure and unworthy and i had profusely explained this to him during the first few times its happened. Following this he unfollowed the pages.

My self esteem has its highs and lows and these situations take a toll on me. A few days ago he accidentally sent me a youtube video of similar content that i believe he was sharing with his friends and pressed wrong button to which it came to me.

He told me it was an accident he was meant to send something else , then he said he thought i would find it funny and following this told me he sent it to me because she looked like me (fyi she looked nothing like me).

I had ended the relationship during the heat of the moment as i felt so low within myself and not worthy enough. He is now saying he dosent think its a dumpable offence and its only a video despite me explaining countless times how much it hurts me to see him doing this.

Am i over reacting ? Please i am going out of my mind. I love this man but sometimes shit like this makes me feel so low within myself. I would appreciate the advice.

How much disrespect should someone tolerate in a relationship do you think?

Anyone can do something as a one off that the other person felt was disrespectful but ongoing behaviours that are unlikely to change? That's the whole point of dating - to see if someone is suitable for you and one of those things is how respectful they are of you and your feelings.

I think you’ve done the right thing. I’m almost 100% certain some men i’ve had relationships with over the years have and do watch porn but frankly they keep it to themselves and don’t follow scantily clad women on social media (well, I never saw any evidence) and certainly i’ve never received that sort of video by mistake. I’d not be impressed if I had. You get to decide your boundaries and told him it was an issue. He made his choice that he didn’t feel it was a boundary for him so in effect it revealed a big incompatibility that there is no middle ground on.

It’s affected your self-esteem and you’ve chosen to care for yourself and remove someone who wasn’t good for your self-worth. I think that’s a good, healthy, strong decision.

50 something here with a lifetime of experience of mankind through relationships, friendships, siblings friends and friends partners etc. A man who enjoys watching women in this way on social media does not regard womankind as their equal. It comes with deep seated misogyny, and makes him a bit of a sad case deep down. Thinking back at some of the men I have known who have viewed women this way, had whatsapp groups for lad laughs and so on...they are really quite superficial people who are all users, and they made a lousy boyfriend/ husband to the not so lucky women who got involved with them. They regard women as pretty trophies to be oogled, laughed at or conquered. Not keepers as they don't see women as equals. Men, good and bad, do not make you feel low about yourself. This requires you to work on yourself and like yourself enough not to settle for a loser. It is a life lesson best learned early on. You cannot have a happy relationship with anyone if you are not happy with yourself. Keep this one dumped and don't date until you are sure you are not relying on other people to fulfill your emotional needs, including knowing when to dump someone for bad behaviour with confidence and certainty that your instincts are valid...you must do that for yourself. It makes dating a less painful experience once you are certain of who you are, and your expectations are clear.

Honestly, well done to you for not tolerating that behaviour.

Don't go back to him. Therr are better men out there I promise.

@MMmomDD
’I wasn’t saying you are lying. I was saying that in discussions about porn - when pushed, people objecting to exploitative nature of porn - didn’t have much to say to non-exploitative porn question. In the end, most of the time, deep down there was hidden insecurity and jealousy.’

as someone who has ethical issues with porn I’d ask how you KNOW for sure the porn they watch IS non exploitative ? The issue is that one can’t know that 100%

also , very patronising to imply it always comes back to ‘insecurity and jealousy , as if there absolutely is not a very big ethical issue in how a viewer possibly knows the circumstances of thr porn scene they view a assuming they don’t personally know the women which I imagine is VERY few cases

telling Poster ( several I’ve now seen you use that line on ) not to speak for all women when in fact that’s what you attempt to do and once again saying ‘ if she stays she will have to accept men like looking at porn ‘ how hypocritical

is that all men ? You know that ? For sure ? You’ve met every man in the planet and he’s told you ?
you know that if women want to be with men they have to accept this cause that’s what men do huh

wow I can understand why you are able to set women straight and tell them not to speak for ‘all women’ and how men are / what they have to accept to be with one wheb you KNOW it all

"‘ if she stays she will have to accept men like looking at porn ‘ how hypocritical"

I said if she stays, she will need to accept her partner viewing porn. He has made it clear he is doing so and I don't think one can, or should, try to change a partner who sees no reason to change. Are you actually reading my posts?

"is that all men ? You know that ? For sure ? You’ve met every man in the planet and he’s told you ?"

Is what all men?

"you know that if women want to be with men they have to accept this cause that’s what men do huh"

I'm sorry but this isn't a sentence and I don't understand it.

"wow I can understand why you are able to set women straight and tell them not to speak for ‘all women’ and how men are / what they have to accept to be with one wheb you KNOW it all"

I posted in reply to someone inviting comments on their situation. I am sorry you find it so upsetting that not everyone shares your viewpoint. I certainly don't claim to know "it all" about anything. I simply posted my point of view, as you did yourself.

@PastMidnight

If she decides to stay with him because his looking at porn is not a deal-breaker, then she will need to accept that men like looking at porn.

The poster you just addressed is commenting on things you've said like the above.

When other posters say 'women like' or ' women don't like', you chastise them saying they cannot speak for all women.

Then you use 'men like doing xyz' as if you can speak for all men.

It's a bit hypocritical is all. I'm sure you can see that looking back.

I have made clear in my posts that I believe that men, in general, like to look at naked ladies. I have posted disclaimers to qualify what I've said but it's quite tiresome to have to attach disclaimers to every post. If you're looking for holes in the argument, then I agree, I haven't attached disclaimers to every post. If that's the only flaw you've found in my argument, I won't worry too much.

Good grief you're incredibly patronising @PastMidnight

Picking at the words of others upthread then saying you don't like it being done to you later in the same thread is very odd. And yes, hypocritical.

I'll leave you to it 👍🏻

I didn't post with a view to being popular and it's clear after only posting here for a day that anyone who challenges the 'accepted' viewpoint is immediately chastised.

If you find that having your viewpoint challenged is patronising, perhaps posting on a public message board is not the best forum for you?

"Picking at the words of others upthread then saying you don't like it being done to you later in the same thread is very odd"

Don't like what being done to me? Where did I say that I don't like whatever you allege being done to me?

I have no problem at all with logical arguments, only illogical ones.

@PastMidnight

’I have no problem at all with logical arguments, only illogical ones.’

really , unnn I don’t think so . Your argument so far had been the most illogical one on this thread . Telling women not to speak for all women then presuming to tell us all what you know about all men ( except the gay ones ) …. Many illogical things in your ‘ argument like telling the op to ask him to just not put it in her face .

ill leave you to it too

Not sure what it is that you're leaving to me? Can you elaborate, please? I presume it's not all of your worldly possessions? ;)

I have never claimed to speak for all men, but I have posted, with detailed explanation, why I think most men like to look at naked women. You can either agree or disagree with my assertion but please be courteous enough to provide reasoning with your comments, as I have with mine.

Can’t speak for the others but I believe people are leaving yoh to your assertion that you know ‘ men like to look at naked women and porn ‘ ad if men are one homogenous group and you know everything about them
some women simply don’t believe that ALL men are any certain way and even if they were don’t care!
i know , shock horror huh , some women are not just going to ask men who use porn to keep it out of their face
whilst you seek to claim your speaking against the mainstream your pro porn all men watch porn stance is as mainstream as it gets
thank Gof free thinking who don’t wont porn in their relationships are choosing not to go along with the pressure for men and apologist women
ig you don’t understand that there’s not much more to be said

Straight Men are going to look at women but there's a difference between being discreet and being a disgusting perv who disregards his partners feelings.

Blashed, kudos for affirming your boundaries and moving on. He clearly has little to no respect for women or himself. The thought of him and his mates drooling and sharing their arousal is cringeworthy.

Your post has more straw men in it than a haystack.

"Can’t speak for the others but I believe people are leaving yoh to your assertion that you know ‘ men like to look at naked women and porn ‘ ad if men are one homogenous group and you know everything about them"

Nowhere have I said that I know everything about men. Nowhere. And yes, I assert that men like to look at naked women / porn. If you think that's untrue, I can't help you.

Interesting that you claim not to speak for others and then immediately speak for others :)

"i know , shock horror huh , some women are not just going to ask men who use porn to keep it out of their face"

There has been no discussion about asking men who use porn to keep it "out of their face" because you've been so busy calling any man that uses porn a sleaze and refusing to engage in any form of dialogue that acknowledges that men like porn. Keeping it private might indeed be one form of compromise in some people's situations. In my post yesterday at 12.43, when you suggested that men should "control themselves", I suggested that such men (those who you claim are "controlling themselves") might instead be using porn in private.

"whilst you seek to claim your speaking against the mainstream your pro porn all men watch porn stance is as mainstream as it gets"

Nowhere have I expressed a view on porn except to say that I agree with some of your sentiments on the porn industry. Nowhere. As I have said before, it would be courteous to read my posts before replying to them and putting words into my mouth.

"thank Gof free thinking who don’t wont porn in their relationships are choosing not to go along with the pressure for men and apologist women

ig you don’t understand that there’s not much more to be said"

Something about me being an apologist for porn, I think. Not at all. I agreed with some of the issues you raised in your post at 13.55 yesterday. I said: "I agree with many of your sentiments about the porn industry. What's this got to do with the OP's post?"

As I have said in multiple previous posts, not all women share your views on porn. Some women use it themselves. Some women use it with their partners. Some women engage in other activities that you might disapprove of, such as swingers' parties. In my opinion, it is the prerogative of each couple to decide what works for them within a loving relationship. Abuse is a separate issue. Accepting that someone else is free to do something does not mean I necessarily like it or agree with it. I prefer not to impose my own morals on other people, so when they post for advice I will take into account what they might want, not what I want to impose on them.

Interesting. I'm in my 50s too and I'm actually way less tolerant of unacceptable male behaviour than I was when young.
Times have changed and the exceedingly low bar set for men in the days when 16 year olds were bare breasted in the tabloids, aging rock stars married 13 year olds and office walls were adorned with calendars of 'naked ladies' has now been raised.
Rather than shaking our wise old heads at the silly jealous young women who haven't learned that 'boys will be boys and he won't actually LEAVE you, so you're fine' I find it inspiring that women are now questioning and challenging. That they have enough self esteem and confidence in their own value to know that a man (any man) is not so desirable and necessary that they need to find ways of excusing his juvenile, misogynist behaviour.
That not all men do these things. That's there's women out there raising sons who teach them about sexism, exploitation, respect and values, and other women setting boundaries for partners who cross the lines.
Its very easy to write off objections to looking at porn as insecurity, when it's actually rooted in the opposite. Knowing you can vote with your feet if a man doesn't measure up is a sign of a healthy self esteem, that the put up and shut up because what a man wants is always ok brigade seem to lack.

I think it's fantastic that sexual abuse is now taken seriously. It certainly wasn't in the seventies.

I also agree that it's fantastic women are now much more empowered to challenge the norms of the past. In my opinion, being empowered and having self-esteem and confidence includes having sexual confidence. Women should be able to enjoy their sexual preferences without being made to feel that they are somehow odd or demeaning to women. I know a highly successful woman in her forties who was married young, has grown-up children, is now divorced and loves fetish. She's experimenting with all the things she wasn't empowered to do when she was young and she's absolutely loving life. This includes sitting on swings and having her bottom smacked by men (and possibly women, I didn't ask). She's into S&M. People's bedroom preferences are not necessarily even remotely related to their 'real lives'. Would you regard the men who slap her bottom at the clubs as misogynists?

Yes of course, women need to set boundaries and IMO helping to empower younger women is about helping them to learn where their own boundaries lie, rather than instructing them what is or is not 'acceptable' in their sex lives based on our own sexual morals or preferences. It's different for everyone. The woman I know says there are very strict rules at the fetish parties about how consent is conveyed. Consent is important and learning how to set boundaries and sticking to them is important. That includes voting with your feet is someone doesn't respect your boundaries.

Well done OP. It’s not ‘too extreme’ to break up over this - I would do the same and so would anyone with any self respect.

The misogyny of his attitude is horrendous.

@PastMidnight

‘As I have said in multiple previous posts, not all women share your views on porn. Some women use it themselves. Some women use it with their partners. Some women engage in other activities that you might disapprove of, such as swingers' parties. In my opinion, it is the prerogative of each couple to decide what works for them within a loving relationship. Abuse is a separate issue. Accepting that someone else is free to do something does not mean I necessarily like it or agree with it. I prefer not to impose my own morals on other people, so when they post for advice I will take into account what they might want, not what I want to impose on them.’

whats ANY of that got yo do with a woman who comes i. Here and makes it very clear she is NOT ok with it ?
you clearly do have an agenda and seek to impose your ideas as you read a post from an OP who does not find porn acceptable and then went on to tell her men like porn and how she could ask her partner to use it without it being in her face

she didn’t ask for your opinions on how to make her accept porn or change her mind

@PastMidnight
’Women should be able to enjoy their sexual preferences without being made to feel that they are somehow odd or demeaning to women. I know a highly successful woman in her forties who was married young, has grown-up children, is now divorced and loves fetish. She's experimenting with all the things she wasn't empowered to do when she was young and she's absolutely loving life. This includes sitting on swings and having her bottom smacked by men (and possibly women, I didn't ask). She's into S&M. People's bedroom preferences are not necessarily even remotely related to their 'real lives'. Would you regard the men who slap her bottom at the clubs as misogynists?’

big deal . Is this story supposed to be interesting or make anyone go wow … lol …. yawn
personally I’m not interested in what anyone does in their sexual life so long as consent is garanteed … why would anyone care

i think plenty of women have sexual fun in their lives and someone being into S&M ( something many of us have been there done that ) has little to do with their level of sexual enjoyment

The OP's opening one was:
"I need some advice on whether i am being over reactive."

I responded in a manner that I saw fit. When one posts on a public message board, one will receive all kinds of replies, which I think is helpful and after all, the purpose of a public message board. The OP can look at all the replies and then decide what he or she believes to be the best course of action for the situation in hand. This is what the OP did.

I don't believe that it's helpful to tell people what they should do, nor assume I know what they want to read. What they want to read might not be the best course of action in any case. If you feel differently, it's up to you to post how you choose to post. I will do the same.

The OPs partner's behaviour is not part of their sex life though is it? It's something he does with his friends that she dislikes, but which she is unwillingly made party to by his careless messaging behaviour. It has far more in common with the workplace harassment that had women forced to sit in offices looking at calendars of half naked teenagers that they had no wish to see, than it does with women participating in consensual sexual activity.
Just because the behaviour of the OPs partner is sexual in nature, it doesn't mean those 'lecturing' her, as you put it, to leave are taking some sort of repressed moral stance. Obviously I can't speak for others who think she is right to leave, but for me, it's nothing to do with intolerance of sexual practice.
It's an jntolerance of the objectification of women, the lies to cover it, the manipulation to minimise it, the lack of value of the relationship to continue behaviour that you know is a deal breaker. Oh, and a grown man who thinks sending pictures of female genitalia is 'a laugh' isn't my idea of a keeper either.