Boyfriend lusting over women on internet

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Hi everyone

I need some advice on whether i am being over reactive. I am 28 and have been with my partner for 2 years and a handful of times there has been issues of him following provocative pages on social media of women (not celebrities) shaking their asses in next to nothing in provocative positions. It makes me feel insecure and unworthy and i had profusely explained this to him during the first few times its happened. Following this he unfollowed the pages.

My self esteem has its highs and lows and these situations take a toll on me. A few days ago he accidentally sent me a youtube video of similar content that i believe he was sharing with his friends and pressed wrong button to which it came to me.

He told me it was an accident he was meant to send something else , then he said he thought i would find it funny and following this told me he sent it to me because she looked like me (fyi she looked nothing like me).

I had ended the relationship during the heat of the moment as i felt so low within myself and not worthy enough. He is now saying he dosent think its a dumpable offence and its only a video despite me explaining countless times how much it hurts me to see him doing this.

Am i over reacting ? Please i am going out of my mind. I love this man but sometimes shit like this makes me feel so low within myself. I would appreciate the advice.

No need to be so aggressive. After all, this is a public forum and as such, it will attract different opinions, which after all is the whole point of the OP posting, is it not?

I have posted my opinion, to which I am entitled, and which was implicitly requested by the OP posting on a public forum. If she wanted 100 people saying the same thing, there would be little point in her posting, would there? I don't tell you what to post so please don't tell me what to post either.

I know of numerous women who would not be annoyed, offended, or feel belittled by their other half looking at porn. Many do it together. Some go to swingers clubs. Other people find it offensive. If you're in the latter group, that's your prerogative, but it doesn't entitle you to preach to other people about what they should do in their relationships.

My opinion, from reading the OP's original post, is that her best option might be to exit the relationship, as I suggested, but perhaps she's not ready for that. Either way, it's her decision. If she wants to stay in the relationship, then yes, she needs to accept that he likes looking at porn. What's the alternative if she finds his behaviour offensive? Please note that not all women find men looking at porn offensive.

"I've no idea whether most men like looking at porn or not. Who knows people's private minds? You can only go on behaviour. I do know that there are men who value their relationship with a real life woman enough not to risk it for a little sleezy solo pleasure."

You contradict yourself. If you've no idea whether most men like looking at porn or not, how do you know what their behaviour is? You've just said you don't know what goes on in people's private minds so how do you know what their masturbation habits are?

Incidentally, not everyone views masturbation as sleazy either. Some people have no choice, especially those with certain disabilities.

Sorry, above post addressed to 5128gap · Today 15:12

@PastMidnight

I think it’s an age thing going here. Many young women feel very insecure about their men seeing other women as attractive. They’ll say it’s about porn, and some will talk about morality of it. But in the end it’s pure fear that their partner will be lured away.

Maybe it makes sense from evolutionary perspective as young women are looking for partners to have/raise kids with.

Funny and ridiculous thing is, of course, these are young women in their prime. And that is why I comment on threads like this in vane hope that these women give themselves a shake and get find their internal source of confidence.

I am done with childbearing. Kids almost grown. I am not young, and actually should be feeling threatened by men, my partner looking at younger women.
Yet - I couldn’t care. I have accepted myself; my age, my looks. And younger people around me are skinnier, and of course more attractive than I am.
Maybe with age also comes realisation that sexuality/attraction is complex. But also not as all encompassing in a relationship.
I can see other men as more attractive than my partner and there is nothing wrong with it. It’s not something that’ll make me leave. Many things might, but not that. Life and partnership is about more than that.
In addition - in a strange way - I don’t feel like I need a relationship to be happy. I am happy to be in one, but I also know I’ll be ok if I were on my own.
This realisation certainly only comes after years of relationships; falling in/out love, etc.

Arguing what men want; whether all men like to see naked women; etc - is pointless.
I do hope OP will figure things out for herself and find a way to be happier.
And I do hope her next partner is more discrete and does whatever he does in private.

@MMmomDD

I think it’s an age thing going here. Many young women feel very insecure about their men seeing other women as attractive. They’ll say it’s about porn, and some will talk about morality of it. But in the end it’s pure fear that their partner will be lured away.

This is so patronising.

Do you genuinely think that you know better than the women who are against it due to ethics, rather than insecurity? Or do you genuinely think they're all lying? You state, as if it's a fact, that 'in the end it's pure fear that their partner will be lured away'.

I don't infantilise men by thinking they can be 'lured away' by women if they don't already want to cheat.

I don't care at all if my partner fancies someone IRL or online if he doesn't cross boundaries and cheat. My problem isn't with him fancying people. I know I can physically fancy other people, but I love and respect him enough to not want to cross any boundaries or cheat so I don't.

For some of us it really isn't an insecurity thing,
It really is an ethics thing.

I love this post, as I did your previous one. I agree with everything you've written and you've put it so well.

Confidence in oneself is definitely something that can improve with age, especially if you (general) work on yourself. You get to know what your deal-breakers are and they are different for each of us. You even get to post on internet forums like this one and don't mind walking in the opposite direction to that which is considered to be the 'normal' direction of travel :)

Did the OP's partner cheat? Where did she say that?

@wellhelloitsme

OP specifically said she feels insecure about him seeing other women as attractive.

And yes - I do genuinely feel that insecurity and sexual jealousy is at the core. And for some it is also ethical objections.

But whenever these conversations start - it’s hopeless. Because women don’t want to admit being insecure - in this age of empowerment, etc.

Because people that ‘object on ethical reasons’ - also object even ethical porn - as in made with consenting people and without exploitation - made/directed by women; or posted by people filming themselves.
In the end, in these conversations, it always comes down - I don’t want my partner seeing other women naked.

Nothing patronising of anyone.
Just based on life.

@PastMidnight

Did the OP's partner cheat? Where did she say that?

She didn't. My mention of cheating wasn't to do with OP's specific situation.

My mention of cheating was in direct response to the poster who said, as I quoted in bold: "But in the end it’s pure fear that their partner will be lured away." Aka cheating.

@MMmomDD

But whenever these conversations start - it’s hopeless. Because women don’t want to admit being insecure - in this age of empowerment, etc.

It's hopeless when one party says that the other party must be lying about their own feelings / reasons for boundaries etc, yep.

I'm not going to 'admit' to being or feeling something I'm not, it would be nonsensical.

Anyway, there's not point trying to meaningfully engage with someone who thinks those who disagree with them are lying about their feelings or motivations. It doesn't get anyone anywhere.

All the best.

Jeez I can’t imagine any self-respecting 28 year old woman wanting to be with some pea-brained immature misogynist who sniggers over pictures of lady parts. His old is he? He sounds like a 12 year old who has never spoken to a girl. He says ‘all men do this’ - actually real men respect women. What he means is ‘me and my mates - who are no better than pond scum - are fixated by sex and haven’t got the intellectual capacity to think any higher than our dicks…’

You deserve better. Walk away knowing you dodged a pervy scumbag.

Ok, I understand. So you don't worry that your partner might cheat. Your issue is with pornography.

I think a discussion of the rights and wrongs of pornography is for a separate thread. For a start, we would need to define 'pornography', which probably means different things to different people. For example, does it include naked photos taken by consenting couples of each other? MMmomDD raised this as a grey area. This is a rhetorical question because it's off-topic. I don't think the OP was necessarily requesting a debate on pornography. In my opinion, she was looking for opinions on her particular situation, which is what I believe I addressed.

If you or others disagree with my opinions, you are free to post your own, but you don't have a right to attempt to silence those who disagree with you.

I don't think you're lying. I just don't agree with you.

@PastMidnight

I don't think you're lying. I just don't agree with you.

I said to the other poster that they think I'm lying, not you.

If someone 'disagrees' with my statement that my own personal problem with something (anything) is due to my own personal ethical framework, rather than due to jealousy or insecurity, then they think I'm lying...

I'm not.

If you or others disagree with my opinions, you are free to post your own, but you don't have a right to attempt to silence those who disagree with you.

I'm not sure why you've said this to me, could you explain?

I haven't shut anyone down. I haven't silence anyone.

The other poster said that debate was 'hopeless' and I replied that I agree debate is hopeless if one party insists the other is lying, when they say they aren't.

How is that me attempting to silence people who disagree with me?

Not being unreasonable, I wouldn't put up with this either. Explain how you feel and how it's degrading and embarrassing. As I'm sure everyone else can see who he is following too.

If he continues I would dump him

Apologies. I'm new to this forum and yes, getting a bit muddled about quotes and who posted what. Sorry!

Just have to comment on those saying 'looking at naked ladies' !! Ha, do you honestly think this is what hard core porn is like these days. I suggest those unacquainted get acquainted with the realities of lots of it so they know what they are talking about- plus the delights of local prostitutes pics and details popping up on your screen along with 'online' webcam interaction/prostitution up there all the time. Pay to get them to get on all fours, shove things up them etc, etc. sorry if it's being harsh but most online porn these days really isn't just 'looking at naked ladies' !!

Yes, aware of all that thank you. I was trying to be polite. Tbh all that's changed is the means to access porn. All of this material has aways been available in the printed form except for the webcam type stuff. I might be a gran but I wasn't born in 1901.

What's this got to do with the OP's original post though?

For some people it's not an ethics thing primarily. Even if there partner was fapping furiously to ethical porn, it wouldn't be ok, because they don't like obvious or overuse of porn.

Mmom, your post was patronising. The fact you're older and more relaxed doesn't mean you're in the right. It's ambitious to think your partner will never look at porn it it's not wrong to have preferences or boundaries around it

And yes - I do genuinely feel that insecurity and sexual jealousy is at the core. And for some it is also ethical objections.

But whenever these conversations start - it’s hopeless. Because women don’t want to admit being insecure - in this age of empowerment, etc.

Because people that ‘object on ethical reasons’ - also object even ethical porn - as in made with consenting people and without exploitation - made/directed by women; or posted by people filming themselves.

I agree with you here, though. These people do often object to any kind of porn (Onlyfans creator who says she loves her job, anime, smaller studios), so it's not only an ethics and safety thing.

But I also don't think there's anything wrong in admitting there's a line with porn usage. It does affect your self esteem if it's in your face, or if your partner neglects you because we are humans, not robots. Bit silly for those who pretend their only issue is ethics, mind.

I would like to add this isent about porn he has been following tiktok accounts of just your everyday women having all their bits out and dancing provocatively. To be honest, he is a piece of shit and i am done with him as i no longer wish to be with someone who dosent value and respect me the same way i do him. I agree with most comments that not all men are like this so will be keeping that in my thoughts moving forward.

I was never an insecure woman however, after two years i have finally recognised my insecurities have been a result of his disgusted perverted behaviours.

Good riddance to him

@wellhelloitsme

I wasn’t saying you are lying. I was saying that in discussions about porn - when pushed, people objecting to exploitative nature of porn - didn’t have much to say to non-exploitative porn question. In the end, most of the time, deep down there was hidden insecurity and jealousy.

And - also that our minds are interesting things. Interestingly - most of the ‘moral’ judgements are made by our subconscious mind - and then the conscious comes up with logical justification. The logical mind is our PR department. So - we don’t always necessarily know what motivates our decisions/opinions - we know what our official explanation to the world is.
Its different from lying.

There is a great book by Jonathan Haight - called The Righteous mind - it explores origins, history; cultural differences as well as mind biology - as it pertains to morals. Not just sexual but all sorts of morals that govern our lives.

This is of course completely off topic. And doesn’t help the OP. But the left the thread a long while ago.

I am glad you've arrived at a decision that you feel comfortable with.

Going forward, please don't allow a future partner so much power over you that you that his behaviour makes you feel insecure. You are the master of your own destiny and your self-esteem is within you to nurture. You don't need someone else to provide it for you and it is unreasonable to except someone else to do so.

@PastMidnight I'm a gran too and let's be honest if you were with a guy in the 70s and 80s and they were whipping magazines out most days it slamming a dvd in multiple times a week- most women would have taken a very dim view of it. Women put up with it because their options were more limited but I knew very few women who would be ok with it or looked or watched it themselves. It has indeed always existed in some form as you say but you sound somewhat of an apologist for it and men will be men. I have no issue if both people are aware and ok with it- but if one person isn't then it's totally lacking in manners or respect

My post regarding the magazines was in reply to someone 'explaining' to me what porn currently entails. I offered no opinion on what I thought of that porn or think of it now.

I have however said in previous posts that I believe it's important to know one's own boundaries with regard to porn. I don't however seek to impose my own boundaries on others.

I didn't find that my options in the 70s and 80s were limited or that I had to 'put up' with any kind of behaviour within a relationship that I wasn't comfortable with so please speak for yourself and not 'all women'.

TBH it does seem a bit extreme to break up a 2 year relationship over this. Would make more sense if there was more too the story, other disrespectful things he’s done than just this.