October, your H’s appalling behavior, detailed in your 3 threads, proves that he feels entitled to live as a single man. Despite his prior infidelity and frequent absences, your recent separation, and all the counseling, he continues to be utterly self-serving and unremorseful. He has no intention of giving up his newest OW.
*In January he was feeling “trapped” and pushed for karate/gym 7 days a week.
*Was going out most weekends.
*Bought a new motorbike to ride in his free time.
*Wanted more and more solo trips and holidays.
You have always taken on the lion’s share of responsibilities to accommodate H’s perpetual need “to not feel tied down,” but you’d become very lonely and unsettled by his absences and disengagement from family life. Although you were supporting a UK motorbike trip with his brother, he was pressing for another solo trip abroad, which he’d done twice before. You were understandably uncomfortable with that, partly due to his previous cheating.
You eventually separated with the hope that couples counseling and space would improve things, and after 2 months you and the children returned home. However, H then pushed for you to sign a postnup in case the reconciliation failed. Posters were aghast at the financially abusive terms. One remarked that his agenda was clearly a “lucrative exit.” (Your current financial dynamic also sounds unfair—both work, you pay 50%, he makes more and can save, but you can’t.)
Kudos for expressing your feelings and asserting your boundaries today. H’s contemptuous response and blocked transparency speak volumes. Clearly his post-separation “doing whatever it takes” to heal the marriage was mere lip service. This is not a man who cares about you and values his family. He is uninterested in an equal marriage based on love, fidelity and mutual respect.
October, you’ve gone over and beyond, but it’s time to stop flogging this dead horse. Your children deserve better than this dysfunctional relationship model. 