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Original poster

Opposite sex close friend

136 replies

October03 · 25/08/2022 15:00

Should I be able to be ok with my husband having a close female friend? This is a new friend, they text regularly, go to karate twice a week and go cycling twice a week together. I am really struggling with this, am I being immature?

OP posts:
AubadeIsIt · 26/08/2022 00:09

October03 · 25/08/2022 17:56

He is really fit, he's always been massively into fitness with boxing, karate, judo, gym, football and so on. Normally I admire this about him but now it takes up so much of his free time it's hard not to be a bit resentful towards it and add that he spends alot of this time with another women brings its own issues too

Sorry, I didn't mean this as a compliment to him in any way! No valid reason to not introduce you to this person. Or leave you with the kids to go off on these rides and classes. Totally call him on it.

Scorpio8 · 26/08/2022 07:32

The OP has said he cheated in the past and yet she allowed him to do his thing with another woman.
She is really good I would of said I am not comfortable from the start. Even though she don't trust him she let this happen.
If her DP now says you not got over me cheating. He probably does fancy this woman but he will gaslight her.
I don't like the you don't trust me line because sometimes your gut feeling is correct.
This classic situation of man who putting himself in that situation when an affair will start convincing her we just friends crap. Yes if she was friends with woman it's possible a man and woman can be friends.

TooHotToTangoToo · 26/08/2022 07:57

I agree op, there does come a point that you can't hold the affair over him at every opportunity, but that doesn't mean you have to wildly trust him either. He's already shown a capacity for deceit, so you treat him accordingly.

As for the friendship, if you're not happy with it, and it's something you don't want to accept, then it doesn't matter what his feelings on it are. His desire to talk to this woman, doesn't trump your boundary. The thing now, is are you going to accept him continuing to spend time with this woman or not. If it's a boundary you give him an ultimatum, if he chooses to continue then you leave

Flashinglights234 · 26/08/2022 17:52

Can’t go out with you because of childcare so goes out with another woman instead. Goodness no!
If she’s a friend of his, perhaps she can babysit twice a week so you and your husband can go on a date nights! She can give up a cycling session and encourage her friend to spend some time with his wife!

TurboQueen · 26/08/2022 18:56

OovoofWelcome · 25/08/2022 18:04

His behaviour is an insult to you OP. Four nights a week away leaving you to do all the childcare while he spends close personal fun time with another woman.

He’s betraying your trust.

Yes this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/08/2022 23:29

Most people would not be happy with this. You say you dont want to punish him forever...but surely when one of you makes a 'mistake' in a marriage (I'm assuming he strayed) then it changes it forever. That's not to say that it's ok to constantly check up on someone or bring it up in every argument, but even if you forgive and forget and your relationship is better...its still always there and your relationship is different. I think you're being too focused on the old issue and dont want to be seen to be raking it all up again that you've actually gone the other way and are not saying things that should be said.

To be honest it sounds like he holds all the power here and that's not healthy. He is secretive, refuses your offers of getting to know someone to put your mind at rest, and selfish as he spends more than half the evenings a week on his own.

It's really not normal to spend so much time with a brand new friend of the opposite sex, when you're in a relationship and you have a family. Even if it was a bloke it would be a bit much. Why is he bothered about being watched if he has nothing to hide?

I think you have to start putting your foot down, it sounds like you are so scared of losing him that you are letting him get away with whatever he wants, which isnt healthy.

supercali77 · 27/08/2022 07:33

OP, you're mentioning not holding his previous affair over his head, but its highly relevant! He should actually be reassuring you right now, her and his comfort (not wanting to be watched at a bbq/her feeling weird with an invite) is being given priority over yours. I would, personally tell him that since he effed around 5 years ago either you meet her or he leaves. You arent asking for anything unreasonable.

AussieMozzieMagnet · 27/08/2022 07:38

Complete and blatant disrespect of you and your marriage.

This is the time to get your finances in order, seek legal counsel and support. Don't turn a blind eye for a moment as you have your children to think of. Be prepared.

sorcerersapprentice · 27/08/2022 07:40

He should be putting all that energy into his DCs. It's completely selfish to spend so much time on his own "interests". Does he run the DCs round to sports and activities? Does he help them develop their interests?

Whydidimarryhim · 27/08/2022 08:01

Hi op - hes being grossly unfair to you.- He’s not reassuring you given his history.
Hes being very very selfish.
What does he bring to your relationship -
What are you finances like -
Have you got friends and family support.
When he comes home - I’d go out - even if it’s too the cinema by yourself. Look at meet ups, book clubs -
hes taking you for granted. I’m sorry.

twinpeaks9 · 27/08/2022 08:11

4 days out of 7 ! Not kosher.

Are there no men he can go cycling with ?

Do you know where they do karate ? Are you sure they area practicing karate in the studio or in the bedroom ?

Invite her round for dinner and see what he says.

twinpeaks9 · 27/08/2022 08:13

On one of the days he is going cycling, 20 minutes before he goes out the door, pretend to have hurt your back and that you can't move and have problems getting up. Get him to cancel and look after the kids. See how he reacts.

buzzy06 · 27/08/2022 08:20

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/08/2022 23:29

Most people would not be happy with this. You say you dont want to punish him forever...but surely when one of you makes a 'mistake' in a marriage (I'm assuming he strayed) then it changes it forever. That's not to say that it's ok to constantly check up on someone or bring it up in every argument, but even if you forgive and forget and your relationship is better...its still always there and your relationship is different. I think you're being too focused on the old issue and dont want to be seen to be raking it all up again that you've actually gone the other way and are not saying things that should be said.

To be honest it sounds like he holds all the power here and that's not healthy. He is secretive, refuses your offers of getting to know someone to put your mind at rest, and selfish as he spends more than half the evenings a week on his own.

It's really not normal to spend so much time with a brand new friend of the opposite sex, when you're in a relationship and you have a family. Even if it was a bloke it would be a bit much. Why is he bothered about being watched if he has nothing to hide?

I think you have to start putting your foot down, it sounds like you are so scared of losing him that you are letting him get away with whatever he wants, which isnt healthy.

You could've just left the first paragraph out, op has done nothing wrong here

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 27/08/2022 08:22

I've been into mountain biking and road cycling for thirty years

When you mentioned them together at karate I didn't think that much of it as I'm sure there's other's there too

The cycling twice a week for 2-3 hours at a time doesn't sit right with me. Nothing wrong with it at all but it's the fact it's a newly single woman who you've not even met and your husband that you don't trust

It would be different if it was a group ride but just the two together, I wouldn't be comfortable with that

Ladybugzrock · 27/08/2022 08:39

@October03 i hope you’re still reading.

I’m also five ish years post affair and in reconciliation and I can tell you that reading your post made me feel sick to my stomach. The level of anxiety you must be experiencing must be awful for you.

Your husband does not get to enjoy the benefit of the doubt over this OR the privilege of you not ‘punishing him’.

Remorse and reconciliation involves the cheating partner being absolute about rebuilding safety for the betrayed partner. Your emotional, physical, mental and sexual safety should be at the heart of everything he does. He broke your vows, he doesn’t get to have ‘new’ close female friends. This would be a deal breaker for me. I ‘was’ the cool wife… I will never be that again!

TBH though this isn’t just about this woman being a friend, the red flags are waving.

He’s behaving appallingly, he’s a selfish, entitled man who has continued to devalue your marriage. The imbalance appears clear.

You matter @October03 , your needs, your boundaries, your safety matters. If he’s not showing you that then I think you need to really rethink whether you can continue in this marriage.

Im sending you 💐

Original poster
October03 · 27/08/2022 09:40

Thank you, what you said really helped and I think I needed to hear it even if from a caring stranger

OP posts:
Original poster
October03 · 27/08/2022 09:41

@Ladybugzrock

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 27/08/2022 10:39

October03 · 25/08/2022 18:44

I think the difference is that my husband would not be ok with me having male friends and the double standard makes this arrangement difficult. I don't completely trust him, he has been unfaithful (some years ago) and I don't want to punish him forever for it but it does change my boundaries

Yup, double standards all right. Your husband would also not be ok with sucking up all the childcare 4 times a week while you swanned off for hours of leisure.

Your comment about wanting to find your own hobby, but hoping he would support you in it is concerning. Because - he wouldn't, would he?
He won't even introduce you to his karate friends (the BBQ refusal) - it's like he wants to keep you & the DC in a separate compartment from the rest of his life.

What would happen if you insisted that he now cuts his 4 x a week down to 2 - but YOU get the other 2 leisure slots while HE stays at home with DC?

Ladybugzrock · 27/08/2022 11:54

You really are welcome. I can completely empathise with how awful you must feel right now the anxiety must be dreadful (you’ll be permanently in fight, flight or freeze), and how hard it is to see through his gaslighting and manipulation. It’s clear to me that for so long you’ve put his needs first, if even thinking discussing your needs OR expressing your boundaries is ‘punishing him’.

When I said YOU matter, I really meant it. You're lost and you need to find your inner warrior. Fight for the woman who would not tolerate his blatant lack of consideration for your emotional and mental safety.

If you haven’t read ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’ I would. It might help a little, to just find your voice. ‘Not just friends’ by Shirley Glass will also help you understand what true remorse is and how far short he lies, particularly in regards to this current ‘friend’.

I’m honestly angry for you, you have given him such a huge and compassionate gift by staying, and he has just shown himself to be entirely unworthy of that.

Original poster
October03 · 27/08/2022 12:25

Thank you, I will give those books a read. I spoke to him today and felt sick just knowing how frustrated it woukd make him and it did just that. I told him I can't and won't tell him what to do but I will be honest and tell him what I wont do. I told him it is causing too much pain and upset for him to go bike riding with this friend, that karate I can support as its in a large group but anything beyond that is past my limits. He first was cross and said I'm always unhappy about something and he's sick of it, then was annoyed and carried on playing his video game

OP posts:
Original poster
October03 · 27/08/2022 12:31

Told my husband its making me too uncomfortable how much time alone he spends with his new female friend (they go cycling together 2 times a week for 2/3 at time and gobto a karate group twoce a week too). I didnt tell him he cant, but was honest with how it makes me feel. This annoyed him, I said karate group I'm comfortable with and the cycles alone i am not. (He had an affair yrs ago, I do struggle in this area) advice?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 27/08/2022 12:33

He's living the single life.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2022 12:36

Your husband doesn't give a single shit how you feel about his new girlfriend. He is going to continue having this affair right under your nose because you are tolerating it.

TurboQueen · 27/08/2022 12:41

His lack of concern for your feelings not wanting to discuss it with you, or reassure you is worrying.

Original poster
October03 · 27/08/2022 12:53

Told my husband its making me too uncomfortable how much time alone he spends with his new female friend (they go cycling together 2 times a week for 2/3 at time and gobto a karate group twoce a week too). I didnt tell him he cant, but was honest with how it makes me feel. This annoyed him, I said karate group I'm comfortable with and the cycles alone i am not. (He had an affair yrs ago, I do struggle in this area)

OP posts: