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Original poster

Opposite sex close friend

136 replies

October03 · 25/08/2022 15:00

Should I be able to be ok with my husband having a close female friend? This is a new friend, they text regularly, go to karate twice a week and go cycling twice a week together. I am really struggling with this, am I being immature?

OP posts:
Dery · 25/08/2022 15:42

Not RTFT but I would be unimpressed if my DH had been seeing any particular individual as often as 4 times a week when our children (now mid-teens) were younger and needed more hands-on care. That sounds like an awful lot of time away from the family. And, yes, I would be particularly unimpressed if it involved a new female friend but frankly I think the bigger picture is that sounds like rather a lot of time away from the family.

Tigergirl37 · 25/08/2022 15:42

This is not ok - even if it's entirely innocent which I hope it is, it means he's spending all of his free time with someone else rather than forging a stronger bond with you. Sadly this is how things start.

Jugglingeggs · 25/08/2022 15:45

I think your right not to trust this friendship , if it was completely open honest friendship then they have nothing to hide
for context my best friend is Male , married and slightly younger than me , we have been best friends for nearly 20 years , have shared interests that our actual partners aren’t particularly interested in and we are also business partners although the friendship was there first , everything is open and honest, my phone is left lying around the house , my partner can access it anytime and read any of my messages , we occasionally all have a drink or a meal together , we know each other’s family’s and wider circle of friends , nothing is untoward , I would absolutely hate that we made either of our partners uncomfortable or unhappy by our friendship
In honesty when be both start talking about the business we are both quite obsessed with it and our partners are probably glad not to have to listen to us going on and on !
this doesn’t sound like the same situation as you are experiencing
you need a long honest talk

OovoofWelcome · 25/08/2022 15:46

This is bullshit. Affair or affair in early stages in plain sight.

girlmom21 · 25/08/2022 15:47

I used to do Karate and never had a grading partner. We just got matched up on the day.

He's spending more time with her than you, won't let you meet her and won't show you their messages...

Choconut · 25/08/2022 15:48

So he sees her 4 times a week and has hardly known her any time? No I wouldn't be ok with that at all especially as he hasn't bothered to introduce you.

meloonhead · 25/08/2022 15:49

I can't believe anyone would be happy about this. Trust? Trust? He's seriously disrespecting her right now!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/08/2022 15:50

There is something wrong if he’s spending more time with her than he is with you.

TooHotToTangoToo · 25/08/2022 15:56

I know you sometimes can't see the wood for the trees, but the plain fact is that he's spending 4 out of 7 evenings a week with her, whilst you're left looking after the children.

Dery · 25/08/2022 15:59

“There is something wrong if he’s spending more time with her than he is with you.”

This is it in a nutshell. He’s taking the piss. This is very disrespectful behaviour.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 16:07

Thank you to everyone for replying, it's good to know I'm not going crazy for no reason and had some good advice on what to do now

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 25/08/2022 16:12

I'd be pretty pissed off if I was having to get tge brunt of the childcare. Seems very unfair.

Hiddenvoice · 25/08/2022 17:16

It seems really unfair that he’s going out all the time whilst you’re at home. Especially if each bike ride is almost 3 hours- that’s ridiculous. I’m sorry but he should be making more of an effort to find childcare and do things with you. Or do things as a family and spend time with you when the kids go to bed.
Even with a very trusting relationship, people would question these bike rides.
The fact that he said no to a bbq is wrong, he should want you to get to know his friends. Why does he feel like he’s being watched?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2022 17:18

She's not just a friend.

Dery · 25/08/2022 17:24

You have many good reasons not to like it and he is mightily taking the piss.

This isn’t about any trust issues you may have - he is behaving in a way which is untrustworthy. My DH and I are very relaxed about access to each other’s phones because we have nothing to hide. And suggesting that she would be uncomfortable meeting you - I mean my God.

Even if this isn’t the start of an affair, he is having way too much time away from you and the children. His treatment of you all is very neglectful. The fact that he’s got you questioning yourself about this suggests to me that he’s a selfish arse who has trained you to accept neglectful behaviour.

Butterfly44 · 25/08/2022 17:31

What is this friend's relationship status - is she married/kids/single??

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 17:37

I think he would feel like if/when I meet her I will be watching their interactions and honestly I would be, I would hope it would reassure me and not make me more worried. We do have trust issues as he made a mistake 5 years ago but I would really like to not punish him for that forever but I think this is asking too much for most people

OP posts:
Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 17:38

She has no kids, same age as us. She was in a serious relationship until a few months ago, she is now single

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Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2022 17:43

Come on, op. I'm sorry, but he's playing you for a fool right in front of your face. Men who make "mistakes" tend to keep making them.

Cstring · 25/08/2022 17:48

This is a massive piss take with huge Red flags for an affair all over it.
So you aren’t allowed to see their messages, and he’s not comfortable with you meeting her, whilst he spends a significant amount of his free time with her and you do the childcare. If you have trust issues due to a ‘mistake’ is it because he has proved himself unworthy of your trust in this respect? Again, red flag, maybe your ‘trust issues’ are your intuition speaking to you - listen to it!

LaraLei · 25/08/2022 17:50

Whataretheodds · 25/08/2022 15:24

This has more red flags than a communist rally.

😅But yes I agree

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 17:53

I just didn't want to condem h8m forever, I would like to think that people aren't defind by their mistakes but I see the irony in this as I think I am the one currently making the mistake of trying to be someone I am not and allowing this situation when it makes me very unhappy

OP posts:
AubadeIsIt · 25/08/2022 17:53

He must be mighty fit with two three hour ´bike rides' a week!

Scorpio8 · 25/08/2022 17:54

@October03

I wouldn't trust this new friendship and something might be developing between them. As you taken his word they could be catching feelings for each other.

This friendships new, exciting and could lead to them well you know.

It's different if he had a new male friend him doing that with.

Original poster
October03 · 25/08/2022 17:56

He is really fit, he's always been massively into fitness with boxing, karate, judo, gym, football and so on. Normally I admire this about him but now it takes up so much of his free time it's hard not to be a bit resentful towards it and add that he spends alot of this time with another women brings its own issues too

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