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Original poster

Can I ask my bf to stop wearing his wedding ring?

180 replies

Oopsiedaisyy · 23/08/2022 00:10

Going out for a few months, and going well, but theres a few things that are getting to me as we become more serious. His ex wife (separated a year) and him message all through the day and while she has a bf, she relies on her ex husband for emotional and practical support. Obviously still close as friends and as parents, which is natural - although my ex and i are only really in contact with kid related things, nothing more.

We see each other couple of weekday evenings and EOW.

He still wears his wedding ring, and has no intention to divorce, doesn't see the point and is committed to supporting the his family going forward for his kids sake, and wants to keep a good relationship with his ex.

I'm feeling a bit like the other woman. Like an affair she knows about and tolerstes, although i sense she finds my presence in his life difficult.

I've met some of his family, and he's invited me to a work do, but its struck me they are reasonably going to assume I'm his wife due to the ring.

He says all the right things, but there feels like she's still the key woman in his life, and I'm the one for fun and sex. I think he's clueless how this makes me feel, and doesn't want to screw this up. He's told her things are over, he ended the marriage, but there's so few boundaries in place. I want a partner i can support and be supported by, but it feels like that role is taken.

The ring seems like the starting point.

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 23/08/2022 17:13

CatsandFish · 23/08/2022 16:27

Almost no man still wears their ring, so this case is abnormal.

If you really love someone and want to be with them, you shouldn't to be expected to 'end things and move on'. That is not a rational or reasonable thing to expect. Most people date during a divorce. It's completely and totally normal.

Show quote history

This man is wearing his ring, though. That’s the entire point of the post?

If you’re talking about other, entirely different scenarios, then cool. I’m not. I’m talking about the situation in the OP.

MoscowDragon8 · 23/08/2022 17:14

are they actually divorced? You mentioned they have been separated for a year. If they are not divorced she is still his wife not ex wife.

girlmom21 · 23/08/2022 17:38

MoscowDragon8 · 23/08/2022 17:14

are they actually divorced? You mentioned they have been separated for a year. If they are not divorced she is still his wife not ex wife.

She says in the OP they have no intention of divorcing

TheJourneyAhead · 23/08/2022 21:56

Don’t offer him the “girlfriend” experience on a plate OP for such little back. He’s getting the trappings of a marriage alongside the novelty of a second woman on the side; emotional intimacy from one and physical from the other.

My advice, as a woman who has also accepted breadcrumbs for far too long, is look back and really examine your feelings and motives. Be ruthlessly transactional in your mind in terms of thinking who is benefitting and gaining most from this, and who is most exposed. Don’t give more than you’re getting.

It’s easy to passively fall into these scenarios, carried along by some sugary words and notions. Break that down and deconstruct it and realise that it’s neither unique nor special. You can have that elsewhere, with a non married man. However, our minds and these types of men create a sort of haven of pseudo intimacy that can be intoxicating at the time.

I especially like @LemonDrop22’s comment regards him “unthinkingly” going along with this. Yes it may not be overtly malicious or calculated, but at a deeper level it IS calculated, and it’s all in his favour.

Has he got a daughter? Would he be ok with her being in a scenario like this later in life, a single parent dating a married man who was still heavily involved with his wife. Have you got a daughter? Make that your litmus test. And as stated by @LemonDrop22 - even if it was “unthinking” - this is a clear indicator of his absence of real integrity. He didn’t look at it from your standpoint. As if you’re a whole person with needs and wants and standards that you deserve to live by. He sees what you can offer him.

This resonates with me, because I have been in a similar spot (not with a married man), with a man for 3+ years who fed me pretty words and empty promises, all the whilst keeping his situation cosily ring fenced and separate. I’m a lone parent to 3DC. A good man would stop, look at the situation, and think of what you really may want and need and deserve, and if he can’t offer that, he’d walk away, not continue to go after what he wanted. In the end I personally was not able to reconcile the lack of honour shown by a man who continues in a scenario that does such a disservice to a woman.

Aim for a person of calibre. You’re a whole person, not 2% of a person. He didn’t consider you as a whole, or look at it from your viewpoint. But he will, if my instinct is correct, string this nice set up along for as long as he can and for as long as you allow.

KitKat1985 · 23/08/2022 21:58

Way too many red flags here. I'd be calling it a day.

newfriend05 · 23/08/2022 22:50

OP trust me walk away now .. the ex will become a nightmare if things get serious .. it's will be a case of I don't want him but I don't want my place taken

Breakingpoint1961 · 23/08/2022 22:58

OP, end this before it goes any further, you will be dreadfully hurt.

There's absolutely no need for them to message every day/all day...

Let them get on with it, and stop letting him take advantage of you..

You will be okFlowers

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 23:07

Pretty confident that the op is completely ignoring the advice we're giving. The blinders are still firmly on.

totallyoutnumbered · 24/08/2022 02:11

TheJourneyAhead · 23/08/2022 21:56

Don’t offer him the “girlfriend” experience on a plate OP for such little back. He’s getting the trappings of a marriage alongside the novelty of a second woman on the side; emotional intimacy from one and physical from the other.

My advice, as a woman who has also accepted breadcrumbs for far too long, is look back and really examine your feelings and motives. Be ruthlessly transactional in your mind in terms of thinking who is benefitting and gaining most from this, and who is most exposed. Don’t give more than you’re getting.

It’s easy to passively fall into these scenarios, carried along by some sugary words and notions. Break that down and deconstruct it and realise that it’s neither unique nor special. You can have that elsewhere, with a non married man. However, our minds and these types of men create a sort of haven of pseudo intimacy that can be intoxicating at the time.

I especially like @LemonDrop22’s comment regards him “unthinkingly” going along with this. Yes it may not be overtly malicious or calculated, but at a deeper level it IS calculated, and it’s all in his favour.

Has he got a daughter? Would he be ok with her being in a scenario like this later in life, a single parent dating a married man who was still heavily involved with his wife. Have you got a daughter? Make that your litmus test. And as stated by @LemonDrop22 - even if it was “unthinking” - this is a clear indicator of his absence of real integrity. He didn’t look at it from your standpoint. As if you’re a whole person with needs and wants and standards that you deserve to live by. He sees what you can offer him.

This resonates with me, because I have been in a similar spot (not with a married man), with a man for 3+ years who fed me pretty words and empty promises, all the whilst keeping his situation cosily ring fenced and separate. I’m a lone parent to 3DC. A good man would stop, look at the situation, and think of what you really may want and need and deserve, and if he can’t offer that, he’d walk away, not continue to go after what he wanted. In the end I personally was not able to reconcile the lack of honour shown by a man who continues in a scenario that does such a disservice to a woman.

Aim for a person of calibre. You’re a whole person, not 2% of a person. He didn’t consider you as a whole, or look at it from your viewpoint. But he will, if my instinct is correct, string this nice set up along for as long as he can and for as long as you allow.

You've absolutely nailed it. Great and insightful advice. I really hope that OP reads this

spinogrizli · 24/08/2022 02:16

Yes)

BadNomad · 24/08/2022 02:29

He's making your position in his life clear. Children > wife > you. If you're lucky. Either way, at most you are 3rd. He may think he's single, but he hasn't actually moved on from her.

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 09:00

If it's too early to take of your ring, it's too early to be seeing someone else imo.

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 09:00

Off*

DivorcedAndDelighted · 24/08/2022 18:00

DropOfffArtiste · 23/08/2022 15:39

It has always seemed good advice never to get involved with someone until the ink is dry a year on the divorce papers.

Oh no, I don't think many people would follow that. It's common for divorce to take a while to finalise. Most of the time it's perfectly clear whether someone is properly separated but just hasn't completed the legal step of divorce yet. Sometimes, as in this case, it's not. There is a world of difference between, eg, someone who has been separated a few years but doesn't have the spare cash to finalise the divorce, and the OP's chap who still wears his wedding ring!!
OP, are you really sure that it was his decision to end things? Because statistically it is unusual for a man to end a marriage.

Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 18:06

Because statistically it is unusual for a man to end a marriage.. Is it really?!
I do agree that in this case, it's very likely that it wasn't his decision, and he's waiting in the wings for his wife to click her fingers again. He'd be gone like a rat up a drainpipe.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/08/2022 18:08

He still wears his wedding ring, and has no intention to divorce

Why on earth are you dating him?

I'm run RUN RUN as fast as you can! He's just using you for a fling.

DropOfffArtiste · 24/08/2022 18:18

Many people don't follow it, but that doesn't mean it isn't good advice.

Stravaig · 24/08/2022 18:20

I don't think I'd even start dating someone wearing a wedding ring! Even if they were separated, with divorce underway. A wedding ring is a powerful symbol and if someone hasn't yet chosen to take it off, then they consider themselves married, unavailable, at least in part. What was your thinking, OP?

(Bereavement is different, but not relevant here.)

DivorcedAndDelighted · 24/08/2022 18:21

Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 18:06

Because statistically it is unusual for a man to end a marriage.. Is it really?!
I do agree that in this case, it's very likely that it wasn't his decision, and he's waiting in the wings for his wife to click her fingers again. He'd be gone like a rat up a drainpipe.

Yes, generally around 70% of divorces are initiated by women, eg www.whitleylawfirmpc.com/3-reasons-why-women-initiate-divorce-more-often-than-men/amp/

Original poster
Oopsiedaisyy · 24/08/2022 18:50

So, yes, he did end it, for reasons I won't go into, but related to some mental health issues his wife has.

We have spoken at length about my concerns, and I've been very clear about what i want. It is early days for us as a couple, and for now, as things stand I'm happy to see how things progress.

For those who have called me naive, or lacking self esteem, I'm actually usually the one to end things as I have struggled to find someone who interests me, or meets my needs for longer than a date or two. I was more interested in seeing if we fitted together personality, interest and sexually than focusing on his martial status. As this progresses I do want to know we can have a relationship together that gives me what I need. However, that for me isn't marriage or living together as I'm enjoying my independence.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 24/08/2022 18:52

Have you met/spoken to his wife?

Cherchezlaspice · 24/08/2022 18:54

Oopsiedaisyy · 24/08/2022 18:50

So, yes, he did end it, for reasons I won't go into, but related to some mental health issues his wife has.

We have spoken at length about my concerns, and I've been very clear about what i want. It is early days for us as a couple, and for now, as things stand I'm happy to see how things progress.

For those who have called me naive, or lacking self esteem, I'm actually usually the one to end things as I have struggled to find someone who interests me, or meets my needs for longer than a date or two. I was more interested in seeing if we fitted together personality, interest and sexually than focusing on his martial status. As this progresses I do want to know we can have a relationship together that gives me what I need. However, that for me isn't marriage or living together as I'm enjoying my independence.

I was more interested in seeing if we fitted together personality, interest and sexually than focusing on his martial status

Okay, then. You’ve spoken at length about your concerns…and he’s still wearing a wedding ring. If the dozens of comments here haven’t caused you to reflect, there’s not much left to say. Best of luck as you see how things progress with a man who is clearly committed to someone else.

Original poster
Oopsiedaisyy · 24/08/2022 18:55

No, but I will soon at some point. She knows about our relationship, and seen the photo of me on his phone. She agreed to me meeting their children recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oopsiedaisyy · 24/08/2022 18:56

Cherchezlaspice · 24/08/2022 18:54

I was more interested in seeing if we fitted together personality, interest and sexually than focusing on his martial status

Okay, then. You’ve spoken at length about your concerns…and he’s still wearing a wedding ring. If the dozens of comments here haven’t caused you to reflect, there’s not much left to say. Best of luck as you see how things progress with a man who is clearly committed to someone else.

Show quote history

I'll keep you posted 😂

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 24/08/2022 18:57

So the information about their break up/her boyfriend/her knowledge of his relationship with you is all from him?

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