Can I ask my bf to stop wearing his wedding ring?

[Oopsiedaisyy]

Going out for a few months, and going well, but theres a few things that are getting to me as we become more serious. His ex wife (separated a year) and him message all through the day and while she has a bf, she relies on her ex husband for emotional and practical support. Obviously still close as friends and as parents, which is natural - although my ex and i are only really in contact with kid related things, nothing more.

We see each other couple of weekday evenings and EOW.

He still wears his wedding ring, and has no intention to divorce, doesn't see the point and is committed to supporting the his family going forward for his kids sake, and wants to keep a good relationship with his ex.

I'm feeling a bit like the other woman. Like an affair she knows about and tolerstes, although i sense she finds my presence in his life difficult.

I've met some of his family, and he's invited me to a work do, but its struck me they are reasonably going to assume I'm his wife due to the ring.

He says all the right things, but there feels like she's still the key woman in his life, and I'm the one for fun and sex. I think he's clueless how this makes me feel, and doesn't want to screw this up. He's told her things are over, he ended the marriage, but there's so few boundaries in place. I want a partner i can support and be supported by, but it feels like that role is taken.

The ring seems like the starting point.

[Andromachehadabadday]

@Oopsiedaisyy

Not wishing to drip feed, but the lack of divorce is linked to financial issues, wishing to continue to support his children and the family home, that i understand.

But he can still support his family after divorce.

[Oopsiedaisyy]

Yes, I've said that.

[Pussycat22]

Where does he live?

[ItsRainingPens]

He's made it clear his commitment lies with her, not you. If I were you, I'd move on. He's probably hoping to get back together with her

[Cherchezlaspice]

So, he:

• Still wears his wedding ring.
• Is in constant contact with his wife.
• Has no intention of getting divorced.

I don’t really understand how this progressed past date one, to be honest. Why do you think this is in any way acceptable in a relationship? Why have you spent months being satisfied with the crumbs of a man’s interest?

[SnoozyLucy7]

@Oopsiedaisyy

And she has a bf!!!

Thanks for the comments, I'm reading and digesting.

I will be clear about what i need, or I'm gone.

You don’t need to be clearer. You are the other woman, not matter what you say, he’s just using you for a bit fun. You are his distraction.

What if you deeply fall in love with him or become pregnant? I don’t think he would fully commit to you and yet the rest of your life would be committed to the drama that he has created. And he’ll end getting back with his wife as it doesn’t sound like s split, it sounds like they are on some sort of weird “break”

You need to run for the hills!

[LemonDrop22]

@Oopsiedaisyy

Not wishing to drip feed, but the lack of divorce is linked to financial issues, wishing to continue to support his children and the family home, that i understand.

There have been other posters on here who ended up subsidising separated but not divorced men who wanted to keep finances as they were for their kids and ex wife for years.

Your job in life is not to subsidise a man and his family just cause you're dating him (if you ever get past the current situation).

Women are too "understanding". Always think they have to accept and support a partner's circumstances, often to their own detriment.

Part of being in a relationship is combining your lives, including finances when you share accommodation etc, in a fair way after a while... Not really possible when someone is still fully tied up in a previous marriage. That usually means the new partner is subsidising the man and his family in some way.

Anyway, that doesn't cover the ring ..... A man who expects a woman to date him and have sex with him while he's wearing the symbol of his commitment to his previous relationship, which he is still legally essentially in ...... He's taking the piss, and you're showing v low self esteem to be doing it.

He wouldn't be putting his dick near me with that ring on.
However that still doesn't solve the wider picture.

Hes happy for you to accept crumbs, he'll happily continue if you keep accepting it. He's selfish.

[UWhatNow]

I think your feelings are correct - you are just sex and fun. It’s a charity service you’re offering whilst he’s missing his wife’s company. It’s quite clear that he’s not invested in having any meaningful relationship with you.

[SirChenjins]

He's still wearing his wedding ring, he doesn't want to divorce, he still messages his wife several times a day....c'mon OP, you are the other woman, his bit on the side, and he's playing both you and her for fools.

The 'I want a good relationship with my ex and kids' and 'the finances make it tough' are the oldest line in the book. He walked out on his family, he has another woman, and both his wife and GF are tolerating that - sounds to me like he has a perfectly good relationship with the (not)ex and family. I'd put money on there still being sex there too. If he wanted a LTR or marriage with you then he'd have the ring off by now and would be working on a financial settlement and access arrangements.

Where does he live btw?

[FinallyHere]

Oh lovely, I think you know the answer here really. We can tell ourselves all sorts of things are for 'understandable reasons' but I think this is a time to take notice of those feelings.

You are feeling like his bit on the side because that is the situation. The answers on this thread have all been saying pretty much the same.

If it looks like a duck and quacks can like a duck, it really is a duck.

Don't put yourself in the position of trying to negotiate some crumbs for his table. Give him credit for at least being honest about the situation. He is married, has not intention of divorcing any time soon and puts his children first. Meanwhile, he is open to a relationship on the side.

Your options are to accept that or to run. Up to you how you choose but don't kid yourself that the situation available to you is going to get better anytime soon. All the best.

[LemonDrop22]

@Cherchezlaspice

So, he:

• Still wears his wedding ring.
• Is in constant contact with his wife.
• Has no intention of getting divorced.

I don’t really understand how this progressed past date one, to be honest. Why do you think this is in any way acceptable in a relationship? Why have you spent months being satisfied with the crumbs of a man’s interest?

This ... Did this not come out until after you'd caught feelings and then you wouldn't dump him ... Or is it a low expectations/low self esteem/naivety situation?

[Oopsiedaisyy]

No, I do think he's definitely not interested in being married to her any longer, she's already expressed she finds it hard he's moving on with someone else. Think its a mix of unthinking on his part, trying not to hurt her and keep the peace.

How did i end up here? I don't know, we met, and he's the first date where it felt easy, his effort and consistency has been faultless, we have a lot in common, and get on brilliantly.

[SuperCamp]

You started seeing him quite soon after the separation. He has kids. Is not yet divorcing.He is not in a position be building a new ‘life partnership’ with you.

So yes, you are a girlfriend for socialising, fun and sex, and there’s nothing wrong in his behaviour on that score. After ‘a few months’ it is unfair to expect full on life partner love and commitment.

But you have to decide whether that is OK for you.

[Oopsiedaisyy]

Yes, its only early days, but I do need to make sure he has room for me in his life as a proper partner.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

You (sort of) are the other woman I am sorry to say.

You have to dump this one. He’s still married both literally and emotionally. They’ve got some weird semi separation going - it is not normal to text your ex umpteenth times a day, it is not normal to wear your ring, or to not see the point in getting divorced.

Don’t discuss anything with him, just dump. You are being used to provide sex and a bit of romance nothing more.

This is going to end badly for you.

[HowlongWillThisTakeNow]

@Luredbyapomegranate

You (sort of) are the other woman I am sorry to say.

You have to dump this one. He’s still married both literally and emotionally. They’ve got some weird semi separation going - it is not normal to text your ex umpteenth times a day, it is not normal to wear your ring, or to not see the point in getting divorced.

Don’t discuss anything with him, just dump. You are being used to provide sex and a bit of romance nothing more.

This is going to end badly for you.

This, he is still tied to his family, (wife) emotionally and financially , those bonds need to be cut 1st.

[FinallyHere]

How did i end up here? I don't know, we met, and he's the first date where it felt easy, his effort and consistency has been faultless, we have a lot in common, and get on brilliantly.

I get that you are dazzled by him, that he makes it feel easy, and lovely and fun. That it just seems as if he is trying to be the 'good guy' in his existing relationship, to be a decent family man.

The point is that he is not being honest to you. As lots of PP have pointed out, he is glad to have a relationship with you. There are not so many women (some, I grant you ) who would be prepared to accept him in his current situation.

Try saying 'ok, let me know when you are divorced and the financial settlement has been agreed. We can start to get to know each other and see how we suit, then.

You will feel so much better for taking back your power. And if he sees you are serious, you won't see him for dust.

Find someone better for you.

[LemonDrop22]

its a mix of unthinking on his part

In my experience men who are "unthinking" in this way do not have true integrity. Men with true integrity I've known do - entirely naturally - think about what the other person is being expected to accept, whether it is fair on them, whether it is decent etc.

The fact that he apparently has not and is dating and having sex in these circumstances, suggests he is actually not all that good a guy... No matter how consistent he is in contact/attangements or how personable & charismatic he is.

[badhappening]

I think him still wearing his wedding ring is significant.

You can see for yourself they can’t let go.

Forget that she’s got a BF, that means nothing.

My advice would be to not get involved with a newly separated man, and even more so when children are involved.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Oopsiedaisyy

And she has a bf!!!

Thanks for the comments, I'm reading and digesting.

I will be clear about what i need, or I'm gone.

@Oopsiedaisyy

I'm giving you 'the look' (so tempting to post a photo)

Hes a grown man, you don't NEED to tell him what you need. He KNOWS he's treating you badly, he knows he shouldn't be 'saying the right things' to you while still wearing his wedding ring, messaging with his wife all day & not having any intention of divorcing her.

he's told you, he told her, it's over, but you only have his say-so and even if he did 'tell' her that, his actions aren't backing it up.

this is FAR too messy, you'd be much better off just ending it with him, plenty more fish in the sea! He's only going to mess you around & hurt you.

[SnoozyLucy7]

@Oopsiedaisyy

No, I do think he's definitely not interested in being married to her any longer, she's already expressed she finds it hard he's moving on with someone else. Think its a mix of unthinking on his part, trying not to hurt her and keep the peace.

How did i end up here? I don't know, we met, and he's the first date where it felt easy, his effort and consistency has been faultless, we have a lot in common, and get on brilliantly.

And yet he refuses to take his wedding ring off - the ultimate symbol of marriage? He’s sweet talking. He has told you what you want to hear, just enough to entice you. But you won’t get any thing more. He’s one gigantic, walking, talking red flag. Why would you want to waste a minute more on this man?

[LemonDrop22]

So you got on "well" at first .... It's easy to get on well/"click"/ make a good impression at first.

Everything that had come out since should have caused you to exit stage left, yet for reasons best known (if you can even acknowledge them to yourself) you have clung on, focusing on getting on well with him and him being consistent in contact.

Those two things are basics/bare minimum in a relationship... Other things matter more.

You can meet someone else who you click with, its not alway easy but it's perfectly possible. likewise someone consistent.

You are acting what Black American dating coaches refer to as "thirsty".

A relationship with him shouldn't have been good enough for you once you found out his circumstances, intentions, and saw that ring still firmly planted on his finger.

[SirChenjins]

it felt easy, his effort and consistency has been faultless, we have a lot in common, and get on brilliantly

Yes, affairs are like this - why do you think people have them? You get the best of the married person, without the day to day drudge of raising children and bickering over whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher.

Underneath all the sparkle and glow he's basically a man who's keeping 2 women dangling whilst enjoying the best of both worlds. You' and the wife - and I mean this kindly - are acting like mugs.

Break it off and tell him to look you up once he's much further on with the divorce proceedings and no longer wearing his wedding. If you're still free and you still want to be with him then you can decide at that point.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Oopsiedaisyy

Not wishing to drip feed, but the lack of divorce is linked to financial issues, wishing to continue to support his children and the family home, that i understand.

@Oopsiedaisyy oh come on! Just read what you have written and think about it. What does being married have to do with him supporting the children?

there's no law that a father can't pay for stuff once divorced!

there's nothing to say they have to sell the family home as soon as they divorce if they don't want to.

Hes spouting a crock of shit and you're swallowing it all.

[Quitelikeacatslife]

I think you need to tell him that you feel uncomfortable sleeping with someone wearing a wedding ring , that it goes against your principles. If he refuses to take it off then you have your answer. His "ex" will always be a big part of his life but by asking him to take the ring off I think it symbolises that he needs to move on from the marriage.