Can I ask my bf to stop wearing his wedding ring?

[Oopsiedaisyy]

Going out for a few months, and going well, but theres a few things that are getting to me as we become more serious. His ex wife (separated a year) and him message all through the day and while she has a bf, she relies on her ex husband for emotional and practical support. Obviously still close as friends and as parents, which is natural - although my ex and i are only really in contact with kid related things, nothing more.

We see each other couple of weekday evenings and EOW.

He still wears his wedding ring, and has no intention to divorce, doesn't see the point and is committed to supporting the his family going forward for his kids sake, and wants to keep a good relationship with his ex.

I'm feeling a bit like the other woman. Like an affair she knows about and tolerstes, although i sense she finds my presence in his life difficult.

I've met some of his family, and he's invited me to a work do, but its struck me they are reasonably going to assume I'm his wife due to the ring.

He says all the right things, but there feels like she's still the key woman in his life, and I'm the one for fun and sex. I think he's clueless how this makes me feel, and doesn't want to screw this up. He's told her things are over, he ended the marriage, but there's so few boundaries in place. I want a partner i can support and be supported by, but it feels like that role is taken.

The ring seems like the starting point.

[Christmasiscominghohoho]

Not a chance. Never date a man that hasn’t even yet got a divorce.

[Cherchezlaspice]

@Oopsiedaisyy

No, I do think he's definitely not interested in being married to her any longer, she's already expressed she finds it hard he's moving on with someone else. Think its a mix of unthinking on his part, trying not to hurt her and keep the peace.

How did i end up here? I don't know, we met, and he's the first date where it felt easy, his effort and consistency has been faultless, we have a lot in common, and get on brilliantly.

He isn’t definitely not interested in being married to her if he is still wearing his wedding ring. If it were purely about finances, that would be one thing (although still not acceptable to a lot of us), but it’s clearly not. Unless you think this man is genuinely so phenomenally stupid that it hasn’t occurred to him to take it off.

He was presumably wearing it on your first date? So, you rock up on a date, and there’s this man with a wedding ring on, and you continue with the date? Why? You must appreciate that most people would have a quite visceral negative reaction to their date being visibly married. Why do you think you didn’t?

[LemonDrop22]

I also think if op asks him to stop wearing it, he'll just take it off to see her and wear it the rest of the time.

[LemonDrop22]

@Christmasiscominghohoho

Not a chance. Never date a man that hasn’t even yet got a divorce.

This.

People keep getting themselves into fucked up situations because of this, usually it's the women who suffer.

At the very very least, don't date recently separated men. He's actually pretty recently separated and it'd clear he and his wife haven't healthily processed it or "decoupled" fully at all.

[girlmom21]

Neither of them are ready for new relationships yet. They're both being really unfair on their new partners.

[Prunel]

I don’t understand why you would want to?
clearly if he’s not taken it off himself he’s not ready
so I wouldn’t be ready to fuck him.
he’s still a married man who isn’t over his wife. Surely no one needs that drama

[onelittlefrog]

He's not moved on yet.

He needs to choose either the life he has with his wife, or a life with a new partner. He can't have both. There is not space in his current life for a new partner, he's still very tied up with his wife.

Why are you letting him treat you this way? You deserve to be someone's priority.

[BakedFox]

Just speak to him about it? We can only guess that he's some total bastard but if he's nice and you like him, it's worth the chat.

If he then doesn't have a rethink, dump him. But an honest talk about it all is the way forward initially.

You've only been seeing him a matter of weeks so I'll go against the grain and say up until now, it's surely been relatively casual? Now is probably the time to say the whole wedding ring / chatting to his ex several times a day is something you don't wish to accommodate for yourself and see where that takes you

[AhNowTed]

The ring is the least of your worries.

This was my friend. If the wife hadn't died her "partner" of 20 years would still be married, and if something happened to him, the wife would own half my friends house.

Do not entangle yourself financially with this man.

[AhNowTed]

The ring is the least of your worries.

This was my friend. If the wife hadn't died her "partner" of 20 years would still be married, and if something happened to him, the wife would own half my friends house.

Do not entangle yourself financially with this man.

[LemonDrop22]

@girlmom21

Neither of them are ready for new relationships yet. They're both being really unfair on their new partners.

This.

They're at best conflicted, at worst selfish people .. mistreating their new "partners".

I think you said his wife has a bf, but also that he said he had to tell her he's not getting back with her/to move on, or something to that effect.

It sounds like she's gotten a new bf to make herself feel better and not to have noone (while knowing or suspecting he had someone), while he wants to shag another woman, but without any of the disadvantages of inconveniences of actually divorcing. He also wants to play her right so she doesn't make things hard for him. He does that with the regular contact/support, the maintenance of the financial situation, the not taking the ring off etc etc.

Leave these two to their fucked up limbo situation and gtfo there.

[Aquamarine1029]

You will never be a proper partner as long as he's still married. Why are you wasting your time?

[LemonDrop22]

He was presumably wearing it on your first date? So, you rock up on a date, and there’s this man with a wedding ring on, and you continue with the date? Why? You must appreciate that most people would have a quite visceral negative reaction to their date being visibly married. Why do you think you didn’t?

This, plus you're shagging him while he's got this wedding ring on his finger. Here's a hint, the only wedding ring a man who has his penis inside you should be wearing is from his wedding to you.

Why do you think you're gone along with this, honestly?

[Oopsiedaisyy]

I think she needed a husband replacement when he ended things, and yet is clinging on tightly to him as well. I've met their children.

When the bf isn't supportive enough, she is looking for advice from her husband.

I am late 40s, divorced, financially independent and no plans to move in with anyone as i have young children. I want fun, and excitement, but I'm also not willing to play second fiddle.

[category12]

You can't make a life with someone who is still married - they have legal and financial claims on each other that would put you into a mess if you pooled resources with him.

If he's not ready for a divorce and you want a relationship that can progress in a conventional way, you need to move on.

[LemonDrop22]

Where is he living incidentally?

Is it still in the family home?

[Dontjudgeme101]

@Oopsiedaisyy

I think she needed a husband replacement when he ended things, and yet is clinging on tightly to him as well. I've met their children.

When the bf isn't supportive enough, she is looking for advice from her husband.

I am late 40s, divorced, financially independent and no plans to move in with anyone as i have young children. I want fun, and excitement, but I'm also not willing to play second fiddle.

If you want fun and excitement find another man who is single and available!

[Shakirasma]

Marriage is a massive financial commitment, a legal union. Sex and love are optional.
The fact that they have both moved on to new sexual partners changes nothing about the legal status of their marriage. She is not bis ex wife, she is his wife.
His lack of interest in changing that speaks volumes about his priorities and how much value he places on his relationship with you.
In some ways you are just the other woman. He clearly isnt ready to move on from his marriage in any meaningful way and I think you may be flogging a dead horse.
Divorce doesnt prevent somebody from being a good dad, or having a positive relationship with your ex spouse, but the lack of it will always be detrimental to new relationships.

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm also not willing to play second fiddle.

That's not true at all. You're doing it right now and have been since the very first date. At least be honest about it. You're so far down the totem pole you don't even rate.

[LemonDrop22]

and yet is clinging on tightly to him as well.

A separated man with a "partner" still wearing his wedding ring all the time is clinging on somewhat himself too (!) It's totally unnecessary and inappropriate.

Is he saying he's wearing it for the kids? That doesn't fit with introducing them to new partners.

[Oopsiedaisyy]

No, he moved out even before the marriage finally ended.

[dudsville]

Personally i wouldn't ask him to, i would just end and look for someone who is available.

[Pinkbonbon]

I don't understand though, why would his friends and family think you are his wife? Have they never met his wife? This doesn't make sense.

Seriously though, he has told you he won't divorce. So what's the point in dating him further? Unless he is just a bit of fun (which he seems to have to much baggage for imo). As he obviously only sees you as 'for now' not 'forever'.

[Aquamarine1029]

@Oopsiedaisyy

No, he moved out even before the marriage finally ended.

The marriage has not ended. He has a wife.

Why on earth are you fucking around with a married man?

[chillipenguin]

@TeapotTitties

The ring is the least of your worries here I think.

I wouldn't date anyone who has no intention of divorcing.

This