Can I ask my bf to stop wearing his wedding ring?

[Oopsiedaisyy]

Going out for a few months, and going well, but theres a few things that are getting to me as we become more serious. His ex wife (separated a year) and him message all through the day and while she has a bf, she relies on her ex husband for emotional and practical support. Obviously still close as friends and as parents, which is natural - although my ex and i are only really in contact with kid related things, nothing more.

We see each other couple of weekday evenings and EOW.

He still wears his wedding ring, and has no intention to divorce, doesn't see the point and is committed to supporting the his family going forward for his kids sake, and wants to keep a good relationship with his ex.

I'm feeling a bit like the other woman. Like an affair she knows about and tolerstes, although i sense she finds my presence in his life difficult.

I've met some of his family, and he's invited me to a work do, but its struck me they are reasonably going to assume I'm his wife due to the ring.

He says all the right things, but there feels like she's still the key woman in his life, and I'm the one for fun and sex. I think he's clueless how this makes me feel, and doesn't want to screw this up. He's told her things are over, he ended the marriage, but there's so few boundaries in place. I want a partner i can support and be supported by, but it feels like that role is taken.

The ring seems like the starting point.

[billy1966]

@Rewis

You're the other woman. I'm not the one to tell people to leave their partners on a discussion forum. But it won't get better. He is still emotionally married to her while getting the physical side from you. He himself said that this will not change.

This.

You are selling yourself so short and completely wasting your time.

Him wearing the ring should have made that SO easy for you to see.

[uncomfortablydumb53]

Apart from legally still married, His ring is a symbol of emotional attachment to his wife.
I took my rings off( and sold them) the day after my ex left
Sorting the finances is the final stage of the absolute so there is no excuse there. He can still support his DC of course, but he is still firmly enmeshed with his ex, which he wouldn't be if he was serious about someone else... You
You ARE the other woman
You have an independent and busy life with your own DC.
Please don't waste any more time on this guy... You want and need someone who reciprocates
It will never be him, I'm sorry, but that's how I see it.

[Andromachehadabadday]

I am guessing op will communicate that she isn’t happy. He will start taking the ring off when he sees op. And text the wife in secret.

at some point op will find out and have wasted months/ years of her life with someone else husband.

[Bonheurdupasse]

@TeapotTitties

The ring is the least of your worries here I think.

I wouldn't date anyone who has no intention of divorcing.

This OP

[Aprilx]

@Oopsiedaisyy

No, I do think he's definitely not interested in being married to her any longer, she's already expressed she finds it hard he's moving on with someone else. Think its a mix of unthinking on his part, trying not to hurt her and keep the peace.

How did i end up here? I don't know, we met, and he's the first date where it felt easy, his effort and consistency has been faultless, we have a lot in common, and get on brilliantly.

I have met many men that I get along with brilliantly, lots of my male colleagues over the years for example. I haven’t accidentally fallen into a relationship with any of them, it requires choice.

So no, it doesn’t really explain how you ended up in a relationship with a married man. I’d be embarrassed and ashamed to be seen in public (as a couple) with a married man wearing a wedding ring. If it somehow happened the first time, I am damn sure it wouldn’t be happening again, no matter how well I felt we got along. Raise your standards, they are on the floor.

[FinallyHere]

Not a chance. Never date a man that hasn’t even yet got a divorce.

Especially, don't date a man who tells you up front he has no intention of getting a divorce.

No, he moved out even before the marriage finally ended.

And... told you he wouldn't get divorced and kept wearing his wedding ring. Right then.

If you are happy as the 'other woman' crack on.

[Mumspair1]

He has no intention of divorcing?? All the fool you for sticking this put when he's made it clear where you stand.

[Mumspair1]

@whatstheteamarie

I'm struggling to understand how your first date lasted longer than 5 mins.

You turn up to meet him face to face for the first time; clock the wedding ring and presumably say "hang on, you're wearing a wedding ring, are you still married?"

He says something along the lines of "Yep, still married and I'm never going to divorce"

And you say "I'll be off then." Surely?

Why would any woman agree to date a married man? I've never understood that.

Exactly this. op you must be really desperate for someone to even think this is acceptable?

[GuerlainHo]

@Oopsiedaisyy

“I'm feeling a bit like the other woman. Like an affair she knows about and tolerstes, although i sense she finds my presence in his life difficult.”

You are, and she is tolerating it to an extent as the reality is, she knows she is his wife and he has more commitment’s with her than with you.

Anything you build on with him would be in vain as she is his wife, and he has legal obligations to her. Not you

As his told you he is separated and won’t be divorcing anytime soon and chooses to communicate with his wife daily, again; it shows you how much your worth to him.

Its clear as day really. Up to you to decide if that’s all your worth.

[Thesefeetaremadeforwalking]

Not wishing to drip feed, but the lack of divorce is linked to financial issues, wishing to continue to support his children and the family home, that i understand.

That's poppycock, OP, just another excuse to maintain the status quo which is all in his favour. I bet you a pound to a penny he sleeping with her as well.

A divorce isn't going to alter his financial responsibilities, and he's being disingenuous if he says any different.

Send him on his way and tell him to let you know when he's got a Decree Absolute. (By that time you may well have found someone else who is more committed to you.)

[AlexandriasWindmill]

Married men can come up with a million and one reasons not to divorce eg money, DCs, etc. Especially if the OW believes them.
You're worth more.

[Johnnysgirl]

No, I do think he's definitely not interested in being married to her any longer
Why do you think this? He's told you he has no intention of divorcing her?! He couldn't be clearer.
You need to start listening to what he's actually telling you, and stop trying to put your own needy spin on it.

[DropOfffArtiste]

It has always seemed good advice never to get involved with someone until the ink is dry a year on the divorce papers.

[DelphiniumBlue]

@Oopsiedaisyy

Not wishing to drip feed, but the lack of divorce is linked to financial issues, wishing to continue to support his children and the family home, that i understand.

Sorry, can you explain that?
A divorce does not stop him supporting his children, it won't force them out of the family home, and how exactly does staying married help them financially?
He is a married man, he is wearing a wedding ring, the purpose of which is to signal to the world that he is married. It is should be signalling to you that he is not available for anything other than FWB. He sees it as protection, you won't be able to expect him to marry you because he's still married.

[CatsandFish]

@DropOfffArtiste

It has always seemed good advice never to get involved with someone until the ink is dry a year on the divorce papers.

Some divorces can take years. It's really not rational or reasonable to expect someone going through a divorce to wait years before they date again. Most people date while going through a divorce. That's normal. The difference here is that the man in this OP doesn't even want a divorce.

[IAmAWomanNotACis]

His ex wife (separated a year) and him message all through the day and while she has a bf, she relies on her ex husband for emotional and practical support.

He still wears his wedding ring, and has no intention to divorce, doesn't see the point and is committed to supporting the his family going forward for his kids sake, and wants to keep a good relationship with his ex.

He's told her things are over, he ended the marriage, but there's so few boundaries in place.

I want a partner i can support and be supported by, but it feels like that role is taken.

The ring seems like the starting point.

You're right. that role is already taken.

He's still effectively in a relationship with her. Sure they live apart and don't have sex, but emotionally (and legally!) they're still married.

Even if you get him to stop wearing the ring there's all of the actual important stuff. Up to you if you want to stay in a relationship and always play second fiddle to his wife. I wouldn't.

[DropOfffArtiste]

Some divorces can take years and during that time there is significant emotional upheaval. It is perfectly reasonably to only choose to date people who are actually and legally single.

[litterbird]

I met my boyfriend when he was separated. He never wore a wedding ring and stated from the start he will divorce. The divorce is now going through. Its taken a while but it never deflected him from his financial obligation to is ex and his child. Divorce is the quick and easy bit. They can then sort the financials out later. Sorry OP he is clearly signalling to his ex and the world he is married to his wife. He should never be dating at the moment. You should run quickly away from this non starter of a relationship before you get really hurt.

[CatsandFish]

@DropOfffArtiste

Some divorces can take years and during that time there is significant emotional upheaval. It is perfectly reasonably to only choose to date people who are actually and legally single.

True but it is also perfectly reasonable to date a man going through a divorce and not want to wait for years to be with him. There is (or shouldn't be) no shame in that.

[MilliwaysUniverse]

IME married men tend to remove their wedding rings when they separate. My boyfriend took his off the day his ex asked for a divorce. I still wear mine but I was widowed and I still feel married on some level. My boyfriend is happy with me wearing it but wouldn't have been if I was separated or divorced (we have had many conversations about it, with me checking he is still OK as our relationship grows longer).

If your chap is still wearing his, it's deliberate. He still feels married.

[Cherchezlaspice]

@CatsandFish

True but it is also perfectly reasonable to date a man going through a divorce and not want to wait for years to be with him. There is (or shouldn't be) no shame in that.

If said man is still wearing his wedding ring (as is the case here), I honestly think there should be quite a bit of shame in that.

And the alternative isn’t waiting years to be with him, imo. It’s ending things and moving on.

[CatsandFish]

@Cherchezlaspice

If said man is still wearing his wedding ring (as is the case here), I honestly think there should be quite a bit of shame in that.

And the alternative isn’t waiting years to be with him, imo. It’s ending things and moving on.

Almost no man still wears their ring, so this case is abnormal.

If you really love someone and want to be with them, you shouldn't to be expected to 'end things and move on'. That is not a rational or reasonable thing to expect. Most people date during a divorce. It's completely and totally normal.

[Johnnysgirl]

@CatsandFish

Almost no man still wears their ring, so this case is abnormal.

If you really love someone and want to be with them, you shouldn't to be expected to 'end things and move on'. That is not a rational or reasonable thing to expect. Most people date during a divorce. It's completely and totally normal.

But it's this case we're discussing 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why are you derailing with your "it's fine to date before the man is divorced" perspective. This man has no intention of divorcing, and he's wearing his ring.
Why would you really love someone on the first date, anyway? Plenty of time to extricate yourself from a potentially messy situation.

[CatsandFish]

@Johnnysgirl

But it's this case we're discussing 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why are you derailing with your "it's fine to date before the man is divorced" perspective. This man has no intention of divorcing, and he's wearing his ring.
Why would you really love someone on the first date, anyway? Plenty of time to extricate yourself from a potentially messy situation.

Because OTHER posters made a blanket statement that you should wait 'at least a year after' someone is even divorced even. They were the ones derailing I was simply replying to their blanket statements which were ridiculous.

[layladomino]

He is showing you that he definitely DOES want to be married to her. If he didn't want to he wouldn't be married still.

He is lying to you when he tells you it's because he still wants to support the family financially. He could do that just as well divorced.

And if it's just about finances, why won't he remove his ring?

His wedding ring (and what it sumbolises) must mean a lot to him for him to keep it on despite having left and having a new gf. He thinks a lot more about his wife's feelings than yours doesn't he?

I wouldn't date a man who had no intention of divorcing. I wouldn't date a man who was in regular close (none child related) contact with his ex and wouldn't remove his wedding ring.

I would leave him. He might just have second thoughts and realise what he's done, and make changes in an attempt to 'win' you back. I suspect he won't, as he would choose his ex over you. In which case you know where you stand and are in a better position.

Best of luck, You deserve better.