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Relationships

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Can I ask my bf to stop wearing his wedding ring?

180 replies

Oopsiedaisyy · 23/08/2022 00:10

Going out for a few months, and going well, but theres a few things that are getting to me as we become more serious. His ex wife (separated a year) and him message all through the day and while she has a bf, she relies on her ex husband for emotional and practical support. Obviously still close as friends and as parents, which is natural - although my ex and i are only really in contact with kid related things, nothing more.

We see each other couple of weekday evenings and EOW.

He still wears his wedding ring, and has no intention to divorce, doesn't see the point and is committed to supporting the his family going forward for his kids sake, and wants to keep a good relationship with his ex.

I'm feeling a bit like the other woman. Like an affair she knows about and tolerstes, although i sense she finds my presence in his life difficult.

I've met some of his family, and he's invited me to a work do, but its struck me they are reasonably going to assume I'm his wife due to the ring.

He says all the right things, but there feels like she's still the key woman in his life, and I'm the one for fun and sex. I think he's clueless how this makes me feel, and doesn't want to screw this up. He's told her things are over, he ended the marriage, but there's so few boundaries in place. I want a partner i can support and be supported by, but it feels like that role is taken.

The ring seems like the starting point.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 09:23

Oopsiedaisyy · 23/08/2022 09:20

No, he moved out even before the marriage finally ended.

What are his living arrangements?

Does he host his kids in his new home?

DelilahBucket · 23/08/2022 09:23

I know someone who went through something similar. Ten years of excuses as to why he wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't divorce, even once his kids had gone off to uni he couldn't divorce apparently. He never commited, broke her heart a million times over as she split up and got back together with him, each time moving in together and her giving up everything she had. She suspected he was seeing another woman at one point on top of all that.
My advice? Get out now. This man is never going to commit to you, he wants his cake and to eat it, and you deserve better.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 09:23

Oopsiedaisyy · 23/08/2022 09:15

I think she needed a husband replacement when he ended things, and yet is clinging on tightly to him as well. I've met their children.

When the bf isn't supportive enough, she is looking for advice from her husband.

I am late 40s, divorced, financially independent and no plans to move in with anyone as i have young children. I want fun, and excitement, but I'm also not willing to play second fiddle.

Have some self respect and end it. This man is not available

Chucklecheeks01 · 23/08/2022 09:25

Run... fast and far

Pibble · 23/08/2022 09:28

I wouldn't even go on one date with a man who was wearing a wedding ring. He's waving a huge red flag in your face, I can't see this ending well, sorry

Spaceprincess · 23/08/2022 09:47

It's very odd he still wears it.
I took mine off the moment I could, and that was months before I started dating new people.

whatstheteamarie · 23/08/2022 09:50

I'm struggling to understand how your first date lasted longer than 5 mins.

You turn up to meet him face to face for the first time; clock the wedding ring and presumably say "hang on, you're wearing a wedding ring, are you still married?"

He says something along the lines of "Yep, still married and I'm never going to divorce"

And you say "I'll be off then." Surely?

Why would any woman agree to date a married man? I've never understood that.

Cherchezlaspice · 23/08/2022 09:51

whatstheteamarie · 23/08/2022 09:50

I'm struggling to understand how your first date lasted longer than 5 mins.

You turn up to meet him face to face for the first time; clock the wedding ring and presumably say "hang on, you're wearing a wedding ring, are you still married?"

He says something along the lines of "Yep, still married and I'm never going to divorce"

And you say "I'll be off then." Surely?

Why would any woman agree to date a married man? I've never understood that.

This is almost exactly what I said. How does this situation even happen?

CatsandFish · 23/08/2022 09:52

He's stringing you along. He does not need to be married just to support his kids. It's called maintenance. He sees 'no need' to divorce, not even your feelings.....hmm, obviously. So he wants two relationships on the go at the same time. He is treating you like a fool. I would give him an ultimatum. You are not comfortable being in a relationship with a married man and he either gets a divorce, or you are gone. His choice. Sorry but I think he will choose to remain married. He really doesn't care about your feelings in this does he.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 23/08/2022 09:53

Why are you dating a man who is still in a relationship with his WIFE?

If he was committed to leaving her, the ring would've been off before you'd met.

CatsandFish · 23/08/2022 09:53

Oh and yes, if he won't get a divorce AND won't remove his wedding ring, for you, he is not worth it. I would not accept a man being in a relationship with me and wearing his ring. I would not accept that at all and would even try to take it off his finger.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 23/08/2022 10:12

Your relationship has no future until he actually ends his marriage - emotionally and legally. My guess is that you are a transitional relationship: sex and company while he comes to terms with the end of his marriage. If you're not happy to fill this role, stop dating him.

GlitteryGreen · 23/08/2022 10:34

No sorry...still wearing a wedding ring is odd on his behalf, and alongside the helping her out with stuff, constant contact etc he sounds way too enmeshed for me.

It shouldn't be an issue for him to take the ring off.

WeeOrcadian · 23/08/2022 10:46

I haven't RTFT

He's still 'married' - what I mean is that he hasn't accepted that they're separated. He hasn't moved on.

Move on, it won't get better.

SNWannabe · 23/08/2022 10:48

Oopsiedaisyy · 23/08/2022 08:20

Not wishing to drip feed, but the lack of divorce is linked to financial issues, wishing to continue to support his children and the family home, that i understand.

Bollocks

He can make any legal agreement he wants in his divorce, he wants her back or doesn't want to close that door for now. Good-bye is what you should be saying, you're not second best.

Fe345fleur · 23/08/2022 10:54

Sorry OP but it does sound like the ring is just the symptom of a bigger issue. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. You deserve someone who can commit their full attention and time to a relationship with you.

Rewis · 23/08/2022 10:55

You're the other woman. I'm not the one to tell people to leave their partners on a discussion forum. But it won't get better. He is still emotionally married to her while getting the physical side from you. He himself said that this will not change.

WendyAndDave · 23/08/2022 10:57

Find another man- this one’s taken.

I can see why he’s trying to spin it as supporting his ex and family, but he could do that without remaining married and without a ring on. If you’re happy to be a bit on the side, that’s one thing, but you are not the main woman in his life and it doesn’t sound likely that you ever will be.

SirChenjins · 23/08/2022 10:58

Oh OP - your further updates are not showing him in a good light at all. If he’s moved out of the family home then he should be looking to move on, not using his new place as some sort of man about town pad from which he can run a wife (I want to keep on good terms with her/the kids don’t deserve this/I’m worried she’ll make it hard for me to see them if we divorce/I’m not a bad person and want to do the right thing/blah blah) and a GF (she ‘gets’ me like no-one else/I’ve never felt this way about anyone before/we need to take this slowly so that my wife and kids have time to adjust/she’s my soulmate/blah blah).

You need to move on with your self respect intact.

diamondpony80 · 23/08/2022 11:06

Kind of sounds like they're in an open marriage, but still a marriage. Messaging all through the day? They're definitely still in a relationship and I suspect if he had to choose, he'd choose her.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 23/08/2022 11:13

This is basically a polyamorous set up, with a husband, a wife, a girlfriend and a boyfriend. Whether the husband and wife have sex is immaterial when they're clearly still each other's primary relationship. If you're not happy with that you need to break up with him.

MineIsBetterThanYours · 23/08/2022 11:17

Kerrrmieee · 23/08/2022 00:19

They have years, a life, a shared bond with children.

Yes I do think it's too early to ask him. I also think it's too early for him to be dating after only being separated a year. That's nothing.

Sorry but NO.

If one isn’t ready to move in after a year because of all the shared past etc… then they are not ready to enter a relationship and should stick to ONS.

it’s not ok to say I’m still wearing my wedding ring, don’t want to get divorced, be involved in each other’s live at that level AND also expecting a committed relationship from someone else.
i very kitch doubt that this man would be happy if the Op was as emotionally involved as he is with another man.

Andromachehadabadday · 23/08/2022 11:39

How is she clinging on to him?

that suggests it’s her desperately trying to hold on while he moves on.

except he hasn’t moved on at all.

you have small children. You must be busy. And yet you are wasting time on this fool because you want to have fun. Except it’s not really that fun is it. Because to not fun to left feeling like the other woman.

hewouldwouldnthe · 23/08/2022 11:46

He's still tied to her and she to him. He's not ready for a new relationship and it's similar to having an emotional affair with someone. So no commitment to you I'm afraid. I'd duck out of this one and date others. When he's ready to move on, tell him he can contact you but by then it may be too late

Spohn · 23/08/2022 11:50

Yeah, don’t date a married man who wants to stay married, and who has kids if you want a fun, easy life.