Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

A question, when chatting on a dating site do you suggest a meet first? And after how long?

I always wait for them to suggest a meet @GoldenMirror, on the theory that if they're interested, they'll ask. If there's nothing in the diary after about a week I usually back off and let them up their game. On the one occasion I suggested a date they ghosted me after saying yes and agreeing a time and place. Lesson learned...😑

@GoldenMirror It's good to get a meet in fairly quickly, you don't want to build anything up too much before you meet.

A connection while messaging does not always equate to a connection in real life - as evidenced on this thread time and time again.

💓💓

Second this advice. I never pursue meeting up because in the past whenever I’ve been the one to try to nail a day/date it’s never come to anything anyway. I think men pursue if they’re interested. I’m always quite slow to warm up and a little bit cynical when chatting, making it clear that until I meet someone there’s no evidence we’ll actually get on irl and I move quickly to phone/video call and then if that works, a date afterwards. I’ve been burned with excessive text banter overly building up expectations and then being disappointed.^^

@Mila14 ..!! ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Fantastic to hear…. Now then - unpicking some of these descriptors.. chemistry through the roof but you’re complete opposites - in which way opposites..? Is this code for something to watch out for or is all good here..?

I think it’s fabulous you are in this position - do you have some breathing space to take things slowly while you decide how to proceed (after today’s lunch with MrEx, that is.. 😝)

Ooh @Mila14 exciting! So it sounds like your instinct is going for Mr O!

I think personality opposites can work well but you also need some things in common, like some shared interests or views on life. In which ways are you two opposites?

Thanks for the advice on the dating app question everyone, I’m seeing Mr Beard today so will try to get the courage up to ask about it. It’s not like he’s touchy at all, he is always very laidback, I just don’t want to come across as overbearing/over jealous.

Someone pointed out that I still have an account myself… that’s very true. I guess I’ve been keeping it as a back up plan in case things go wrong. Deleting it feels like I’d be going all in with this relationship and I’m a little scared of that. I was with my ex something like fifteen years and at the beginning things were great but now I think I just ignored all the little warning signs and irritations. So if I did that once I could make the same mistake again!

@Stayingstrongish It is double standards to have a dating profile still but not want him to.

I've forgotten how long you've been seeing each other.

Have you had any discussions about what you are? 2nd post on here are the questions I think need answering early on.

I'm not too good with opposites really, think my best-of-a-bad-bunch recently was with someone who was very similar to me.

I think if you're talking different hobbies, introvert/extrovert, early mornings/lie ins, coach potato/sport mad, then there's a lot to be said for moving out your comfort zone, but if there are fundamental differences in values, goals, morals, finances then I'd struggle to build a connection, and tbh I don't know that I'd want to.

Sorry - I haven’t explained myself very well. I wouldn’t mind if he just muted his too. It was that he volunteered he had deleted it, but then it looks like he possibly hasn’t, which got me wondering. And the message that flashed up. But I think I’m probably just over wondering.

@Stayingstrongish I think the message from the ex is seperate to the dating app.

Are you exclusive? Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

You will need to speak to him otherwise it will eat you up?

Woo hoo @Mila14 on the fab date! Enjoy the attention and take time to consider which suits you best

Apps are quiet (or I'm too picky) but matched with someone yesterday evening who was keen to meet so had arranged drinks tonight however no sooner had we finalised plans he messaged to say couldn't make it as had to go back up north as his son had had an accident and was in hospital. The cynic in me thinks he probably had a better offer but he was adamant that he was being honest and still wanted to see me. He's messaged this morning already trying to secure something for next week. I've agreed to Wednesday but this will be his last chance. I'll call him Mr North.

@Mila14 Blimey my dear that sounds red hot! I bet you are all of a fluster today! And 3 to choose from... I found when I am in that situation its incredibly fun and also quite draining, when you can't choose as they are all sooo good.

Awaiting your update.

Nothing that exciting here. Mr H wants to meet up but he is quite far way and 13 years older. Mr Farmer went off with someone else ( not that I was so bothered).

My current FWB is away with his brood.

And a full on IKEA trip with the kids today so no time to think til tonight!

@Slothmomma …give him one opportunity although I would be pissed off about a cancellation…think of @Howlong with Mrs No Show. They ended up quite together and she became Mrs Show.
@Stayingstrongish …I personally will pause my app membership when I see it fit. I can’t imagine yet having the conversation with anyone about coming off apps. I think if we are mutually exclusive that should happen naturally
Thank you for the support here. I’m amazed about the huge chemistry but we talked a lot and Mr O is still quite raw and starting to date so I think he should date a bit more and see me if that works but keeping my head in the right place. I’m just marvelled at how much he liked me and I liked him and just how wonderful it is when there’s a huge first sight massive mutual chemistry.
I have dated a few people but I never felt this on a first date ( other than with Mr Ex, obviously)
I am keeping Mr A in the books for now. There’s no hurry at all
Im going away with my DD a few days anyway and not back until 1st week September. I have time to myself to see how it feels
Mr O is very strong daring and enigmatic. I’m very traditional soft woman. he’s a bit of a force of nature and has lived A LOT. He was also in love with his wife and this is something to consider. He may need more time and I think that is ok too. He’s unbelievably sexy and a massive catch so he’s being bombarded by ladies at the moment so I think he needs to keep dating. But we talked a lot and had a very strong connection…but then it’s just a few hours date time and I think it’s too early to tell.
It will do me great seeing MrEx and get adored and treated so I’m not complaining

@Signoramarella Love an IKEA trip, don't forget the meatballs!

Does anyone else seem to have trigger finger when it comes to the apps?
I've swiped left or right so many times when I didn't mean to .

😂😂😂 me too

Hi all, hope I can add my post despite it not being through a dating app. Didn’t want to post on the main page incase outing..

So I was contacted by an ex of 20+ years for a drink. We never split on bad terms so I thought why not. It was a fab evening that flowed perfectly..it ended the next morning! He seemed very keen & if he doesn’t want to see me again I don’t regret dtd with him.
I thanked him for a great night (as he paid for it all) and a few messages back and forth..but now quiet. I’m not particularly up on the protocol when it’s chilled as friends as such so am unsure how he feels now..it’s so hard to know these days.

@MTWTF41 I would mentally try to move on from it - in my experience this would suggest he’s gone quiet because he’s not that bothered about doing it again. Yes you could message and try to find out but I think men like to chase more than be chased (this might not be a popular opinion) and it never works to try to nudge them into wanting more. Did he say why he got in touch after so long?

@ibelieveinmirrorballsit’s me wondering/feeling needy I hope. It was only yesterday morning!! I have had a couple of messages but nothing asking to see me again.
It wasn’t the first time he’d asked but I was in a relationship. We’ve chatted on and off over the last 2 years. I guess I’d like to know why he wouldn’t want to see me again when we got on so well but you’re right chasing doesn’t work or look good!

Me too @fedup078 🤣 And even worse, keep super liking by accident and panicking

But do YOU want to see HIM again? So often in these situations I think once we’ve had sex with someone their response to us feels like either a validation that we’re worthy or if they don’t want to pursue things we make that a sign that clearly we weren’t good enough after all.

More importantly - what are your thoughts about him? You haven’t said really - is this something you think has got legs - either to become a relationship or an ongoing set up that would be nourishing and positive for you?

Stayingstrongish

to be fair I’ve said ive deleted apps
but in actuality I’ve paused my profile
i actually delete people when we date to avoid any Ambiguity

it’s not jealous and overbearing to ask about exclusivity however

it’s also not the end of the world to have casual texts with previous irons
that said I do it and wouldn’t like if they did it
(double standards indeed )

I think asserting boundaries is so bloody hard for some of us
take a deep breath and DO IT x

@ibelieveinmirrorballs good point thanks.
Hard for me to say if it’s got legs as it’s the first time I’ve seen him in years..BUT I know I’d like to see how a 2nd date went because yes we seemed to click for the whole time we were together.
Maybe everything he said was just to get me into bed..of which he didn’t need to because I’d have happily done it anyway as I know him (never have I & won’t have ons)
Maybe it’s because we’re mates that he’s not chasing.?!