Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

DisappearingHelen

yes in (ish ) same boat with a on (more off !) FWB

that said after a very stressful summer and reading the book - I’m thinking hard about what I want and need next
and , as dull as it is it might be nothing for a while

I’ve said this earlier but I’m questioning whether the hot sex is worth it ?

also it takes me a while to figure things out

I’m not 100% convinced that FWB work

yeah also keen to see if Mila had a 🤩 time
spill lady

Helen it’s my experience that unless I’m actively getting emotional/flirty needs met elsewhere any iron I’m sleeping with I’ll start to put too much attachment on, no matter how illogical it is. I have started to accept that my needs “cup” is just a certain size and if the amount that’s being offered back by someone is child’s beaker (or more likely thimble 😆) sized the disparity makes me cling on and get anxious. Only if I’m satisfying those needs elsewhere can I have any sort of FWB that feels healthy and detached.

(And yes, definitely here for the @Mila14 and MrO updates although wasn’t sure if her cast-iron boundaries had pushed him to tomorrow 😬)

hey all. The FWB def holds risks for me and I wish I could happily do without it. The truth is though I get pretty carried away about sex with new guys. We chat, we get one we flirt, then I immediately lose my boundaries and jump into bed with them. And then comes the regret as it turns out they’re not the person I was
projecting on them and it’s all bullshit. So the FWB is aimed at scratching an itch to better free up my brain with new guys who actually have potential for relationships. It might not work. We’ll see.

@Naimee87 you’re right. Focusing on other things this weekend has gotta be the way forwards!
@Thisisworsethananticpated i think the book ‘advertising’ on this thread is totally starting to work on me. It sounds like you figuring out what you want!
@ibelieveinmirrorballs My cup is different too! Like the analogy!

Hello lovely people,

Can I join the party? Brief rundown of just some of my horrendous summer OLDs:

• guy drove an hour to spend the day in my home town for a 1st date. As we’re sat on my couch he farts - twice! No apology. When I saw him out he made a wisecrack about staying the night and I spotted his toothbrush in his bag - now he’s known as ‘stinky Steve’

• met a man with instant chemistry who pursued me from the off. I refer to him as mini milk. Use your imagination. I should have heeded my own warning signs that told me he was moving things along too sexually but I ignored my instinct - gah! Long story short we spent the weekend together around date 4/5 and he made all the right noises about the future. When I left his place in the morning I didn’t hear from him again. He was also bitter about his ex wife and had a victim mentality. @Naimee87 i know you saw my other thread and I’m sending even more hugs your way reading about your disappearing man. It’s so hurtful! Hope this weekend is beautiful to you.

• Last weekend drunkenly bumped into my ex of 1.5 years - Peter Pan - who I definitely still love. I called things off last Xmas and we were both heartbroken. Since then we’ve bumped into one another a few times, he’s instigated a couple of meets but that was early summer. During these meets he was insistent on how much I’d hurt him but didn’t seem to acknowledge his mistakes. BH weekend just gone we were v. drunk and he was acting very possessive around a guy friend of mine - telling him he loved me and that he’d hurt anyone who got in the way. We ended up drunkenly telling each other that we still loved one another and he spent the night at mine but since brushed me off. I feel like I’ve broken my own heart again and keep seeing reminders of him everywhere!

• i have a flirtation going with a Dr who lives a hour away. We had a lovely lunch first date some weeks ago but recent events have my head spinning. I’m also in a paranoid trap of wondering whether his two-day date invitation is angling for sex. Feel like I need a break from it all.

i’m about to get the keys to a house that I’m renovating which will keep me v busy. My heart is heavy so I’m on a dating app/man ban all September but thoroughly enjoying reading all your tales and living vicariously through you! It’s so nice to see a positive and supportive thread on MN.

DisappearingHelen

yeah it’s funny . The ‘book’ I’d say targets a certain group of women

but there’s a comment thread of non assertiveness , weak boundaries and maybe a history of not super healthy relationships ?
fucks knows 😂

I also read it to girl friends on holiday , who are since and (usefully !) holding me to account a bit

but two of my gf who have become way more boundaried have recently met nice guys

and they arnt anxious !

@Naimee87 thinking of you - I think I would have to contact him now so much time has passed. Not straight away when things were raw, but your feelings towards him must have changed so I think I'd have to call him on his terrible behaviour.

I know what you mean about envy @NervesOfCotton, my DDs are in amazingly supportive and strong relationships and I'm so happy for them, but it's hard not to think 'why not me...' sometimes.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I've come to the conclusion that the hot sex with Mr Train wasn't worth how he made me feel the rest of the time. And I know I couldn't do FWB and am envious of those who can. I tend to do the same @DisappearingHelen - leap into bed with them and then wonder why they aren't the person I thought they were.

My Train is really pushing to meet, but not in an aggressive way. He's being so attentive with texts and asking me things. I just want to ask why couldn't he have done this before now? I don't think I'll meet him - this time a few weeks ago I'd have taken his hand off to have this level of contact and attentiveness. But the feelings have faded over time and now they're almost gone. Doesn't stop it being sad though...

Got a few chats going on Tinder which are a nice distraction 😊

@Thisisworsethananticpated and @DisappearingHelen honestly, that booked has totally changed me. I've highlighted all the things that I can relate to most of it and I'm going to try so hard to raise my boundaries next time I jump into anything.

Thanks for thinking of me! @Cherrycokefiend & @Daisysunset i just think no answer at this stage will make me feel any better, maybe worse if i don’t hear anything if they get delivered. A while ago a close relative died and even then he popped up to say sorry for being a little quiet. Maybe he got the ick! I just finished a truck lesson and heading out for drinks with my friend so pretty good saturday so far. Just need to realise he doesn’t feature. I’m sure some days will be way harder than others… hope you’re having nice weekends!

Daisysunset

im in awe at how strong you are being
really seriously

you’ve managed to get a bit of the ick for him which a superlative act of 🧠 magic !

I’ve just been to Ikea with tweens and now for furniture assembly

but actually doing this shit makes me feel stronger and better

Naimee87

that fucker will pop up
one day
it’s almost statistically proven that ghosters always re appear at some stage

not all , but after such a long time I bet he will

keep busy and again it’s a totally poor way to behave

💗💗

Love it @SortingItOut x

@LuckyLinda3 How are you doing?

@SortingItOut I'm doing good thanks. Hope you are too. I've had a nice wee relaxing weekend. Had few messages yesterday early on and then nothing until this morning as he was out with friends last night. Hes saying all the right things now and I'm swaying with the idea that we should give it another go. No plans to meet up yet, he asked to see me today but I'm busy until early evening with DD between her wee job and a football final with her wee club later. Hows things with you since?

Ok
we met. He cried on first meeting about the situation we seemed to have snowballed into and wanted us to wait a bit because we both got carried away crazy
We had amazing time and … ended up holed up in my place until now!! He really needed to change clothes 😂😂😂
Im on the fence . We talked a lot a lot and he was able to tell me about DW. He’s in love with her and some tears were shed but I feel this the normal thing too when someone you love dies
Sex non stop and really good time together but I am on the fence
MrEx wants to take me for dinner on Tuesday and Mr O had plans to do cultural stuff with me out and about all day then so he wasn’t happy I’m seeing MrEx . But I really need to. To decompress and take air
I don’t know what will happen with MrO but at least we have so much in common, a friendship is in order
I don’t know what to do but I don’t feel under pressure of any kind. It’s not that MrO is emotionally unavailable but the man is still grieving and I totally understand. I saw in his telephone as he was showing me stuff his bumble icon bursting with messages 😂😂😂. But I really really don’t mind. So I don’t know what I want . I only know one thing… I know my value and if we have to end up as a couple we will and if not I am very happy I met him and had super weekend

Thanks for updating @Mila14 we we’re getting worried! 🙈😆

You sound very switched on and compassionate about the situation - but I’m glad you also had a fun (if intense) weekend!

They sound like open and grown up conversations about the understandable complexity of the situation and I think it’s always a real positive to say that regardless, you’re glad you met someone.

We’ve had so much fun. He’s really a great guy but I have this switch off button if I see any sign of emotional turbulence. Also he’s a lot older than I initially thought. This is a different period in life for him and he needs to adjust to it. It will not happen fast, it will take a lot of time and I am impatient and value my time but he’s worth keeping alongside Mr Ex I think

@Mila14 aw, that was emotional to read even. You are so level headed in the face of all of this. I think your "what's meant for me wont pass me" thinking is spot on. Wish I was half as chilled!

MrO is the most compelling culturally avid man I’ve met in many years. A total discovery

@Mila14 You're so strong, I wish I was able to be that clear headed.

So against my better judgment I met up with Mr Train today. We went on a very rainy walk and made small talk to begin with, then I said so why are we here?

Then it started to rain very heavily, he held the umbrella over us, and predictably I started to cry as it's still very raw. He listened to me and when I kept looking away he put his hand under my chin and turned my head so I was facing him. Then he spoke about why he thought, and for a change I didn't leap in and fill in what I thought he was saying, I left it to him. It was quite cathartic to get it off my chest, and I've never cried in front of anyone before.

Not sure where we'll go from here; he really wants to stay together and has said he will change and if I am upset then I need to tell him to give him a chance, rather than just assuming he won't. And he does have a point there to be fair, although a tiny bit of the ick has set in and that's not good...

And an old iron has just popped up on WhatsApp having seen me on Tinder. We had such a connection. He did the retreat into his cave after DTD and I was far too needy. He can't believe I'm still single - ha!

@LuckyLinda3 Glad you're doing good.
Maybe he would change now he realises your serious about change.

I'm doing great thanks, been out on a walk this afternoon with one of my groups. In 'dating' news I'm still interviewing for an FWB😊

@Mila14 Glad you've had a fantastic sexual weekend. What will happen, will happen.

@Daisysunset I'm glad you've seen Mr Train but the ick is not good.
Could you meet with old iron and see how that makes you feel about Mr Train?

@SortingItOut I think I'll do that - we've not agreed to get back together at the moment, so I think I can meet the old iron with a clear conscience and hope it crystallises things for me.

@SortingItOut glad you had a good day and sounding positive
@Daisysunset I hear you about letting it all out, I so rarely allow myself to do that

I'm a bit unsure of myself at the minute. I don't know if it's just with all that has been happening but I've noticed hes online on WA an awful lot these days and I'm getting paranoid. He has been messaging all weekend and saying all the right things so I think it's my issue not anything hes doing🤷‍♀️. He has assured me repeatedly that he is 100% focused on getting us back on track.

Mila14

sounds pretty full on ! And intense . But fun
your head must be all over the place

sounds like an evening of calm is needed as you gather thoughts

but yeah , a year isn’t long and he’s probably all over the place too emotionally

Daisysunset

well that’s a surprise and a turnaround

id say another in the ‘sleep on it ‘ camp maybe

did you broach the issues , do you think he has potential to change ?