Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

This is really key. I am not happy either anymore with not getting what I need and can give. I think we can love ourselves more and be clear we want our needs met

Haha love this @ibelieveinmirrorballs not the scenario itself but it’s so well written it’s like I experienced it myself 😆
I am SO glad you’re leaning towards MrN from MrM 💗💗 i think its a good choice x

Pissed off? Who’d he pissed off with you?? Cheeky cunt!

Excuse my french!!

@Mila14 if I think of myself 1year after being widowed I was already involved in a FWB situation with Mr Cocky and was frenetically grabbing every bit of attention I could from any man who showed an interest. My emotions had been put through the wringer so much when DH was poorly and then his death that I didn’t know what I was feeling apart from massively sad and scared about my emotional future. The highs were massive and the lows profound.
I’m sharing this maybe as a possible explanation of Mr O’s reaction. He may not be as in control of his feelings as you are. He may be on that elation/rejection path I was on. Whatever the explanation he’s not be able to function in a way that you need for a successful relationship and I think you are right to take his actions and reactions here as a warning sign to not proceed.

@LuckyLinda3 he does actually sound really genuine and I would trust him. I would love it if someone felt like that about me. It’s hard to find… I wouldn’t throw it away 💗

@Naimee87 defo text and email the other accounts, what have you got to lose at this point, you could say you’re really worried and it’s completely out of character and he needs to let you know if it’s over! I honestly don’t think he’d just disappear like this you two have too much history, there’s more to it! Good luck! X

Nothing to get excused for. You are our Ray ot sunshine in this thread Butterfly . ❤️❤️❤️

😂😂 thanks @Mila14 I dunno about that but I do know if a random iron got petulant cos I wasn’t up for fucking I would definitely start seeing red… then again if you led him on he’s no doubt confused and it is a bit your fault haha.. maybe you’re the head wrecker here 😉 bad girl!!

I still cant find my phone? I thought it was in the car but just checked and it isnt. Its also a works one so needs to be found. Part of me really does want to message but then i know i will be really disappointed if a) he doesnt respond 2) he does as if nothing has happened. I think even after all this time if he did ask to meet then i would. Which is likely not a great idea. I will keep him archived over the weekend and see what next week brings. I dont want him ruining my weekend(got a truck lesson so need to be focused) and i dont want a back/forth text conversation with him either as so much can get lost in text-lation. I dont really see a way forward yet or know what will make me feel better either...just in a weird limbo and feel like i have lost him. I havent known anyone to have whatsapp off that long and he was the one to call me out on not backing up my phone properly.* *I hate playing games and second-guessing msgs/behaviour, Honestly thought i was past all this

If I am in the UK on 21st then ill let you know! It might be that we are already back home as i think we the second week in October. But lets see! The passport forms are still sitting on the side in closed envelope!

ButterflyOfShay

you swear away ! I’m so potty mouthed It’s not true
and I have kids 🙈

Thank you for that very valuable insight Stepcount. I do appreciate it’s my fault too for having expectations when he’s just starting to date and is probably all over the place. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong per se. Both went crazy in lust to be honest

Thank you for that very valuable insight Stepcount.

We also love you here Worsy❤️❤️❤️. Cathartic language welcome

Hey all. Longtime lurker, seldom poster. Your words to each other help each other but also must help so many of us shy-er folk! thanks!

Does anyone find themselves getting a little addicted to, I guess, the dopamine hit everytime you hear from an iron/potential? To the point where other bits of life seem dull and you’re just waiting to hear from random men and not focusing on much else? 😬

I know the answer must be to grow up and get on with real life and try and make sure I’m not spending to long each day thinking about it all but I get sort of…too into it all and it’s hard to then go and concentrate on less fun jobs!

@Daisysunset thank you, I only slept a little but to be expected. I've got a good morning text today to start the day but will take the weekend to think some more. Hugs to you as I know you are in a similar position.

@Thisisworsethananticpatedyou are right. We so needed to talk face to face. He took a while to really open up but I do think in the end he was genuine. I'll definitely take some more time with my decision. He 100% has positives and we could always have good discussions, something I didnt have in my marriage. He gave me a hug as I was leaving and it felt so right but I want to protect myself so I'm not rushing in.

@Mila14, exactly. I definitely will think some more over the weekend and then as you say a casual meet up to discuss next week.

@SortingItOut yes he is saying the right things. I suppose we need actions to match words at this stage. We talked about his drinking and he explained that after his marriage break up he concentrated on rearing his 3 boys as they stayed with him. Relatives then saw that he needed to get out and watched the kids a night here and there he started the habit of going down to his local and it was mostly a social thing which he has continued. He said he very open to other social activities. I had got him tickets for xmas for a comedian he likes and he said i brought variety to his life and that he wants to continue that and would happily do that instead of the pub. I always saw us doing loads of stuff together and possibly that was why I became so frustrated. So much to consider.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you for your kind words. I dont feel I'm handling this well at all so that was lovely to hear. I'm still 100% focused on what I need but now having talked to him I believe that the POF thing wasnt that meaningful. He told me he couldn't bring himself to tell his friends we were over when they asked about me and seemed genuinely sad/hurt at times about it all. Love the idea of future Linda....great idea to think forward to what we need at times like these.

@LuckyLinda3 … I think now that you add these details…one can understand better the role of the pub and the drinking. It must have been unbelievably tough to see yourself with 3 kids staying with you. I think he’s really sincere and I believe the pub was crucial in helping with that transition after his marriage. If you like this man, give him a chance to see whether you can now adapt to new activities but I believe his social net was and is important

@ButterflyOfShay that's what's making my decision so much more difficult. We have a really lovely connection generally, intimately and sexually. He does seem genuine and although I've struggled to trust him (my issues not anything hes done). Heads fried.

@LuckyLinda3 …I really think his heart is in the right place. I’m sure there are things to change going forward and ultimately he has to be the partner you need. Rest over the weekend and distract yourself with other things. It will be fine

@DisappearingHelen It's always nice to hear from people who are interested in you, it gives us validation.
How else can you get a dopamine hit as waiting for irons to message to the detrimenrt of other things is not healthy.

How is your life in general? Work?hobbies? Friends?

@mila yes I do see how the pub gave him back his social life and why its important. My own dad, RIP, was at best a semi-functioning alcoholic so I have reservations about drink but expressed this openly very early on. I'm going out with my sister tomorrow night so I'll just take the weekend to wind down and catch up with him again early next week.
You sound very self aware so I have full confidence you will make the right call this weekend. You're right, no one has actually done anything wrong and that heady chemistry is a bit intoxicating. Believe in yourself, you got this lady x

@LuckyLinda3 ❤️❤️❤️Thank you