Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Worsy…what a waste…I’ve done my nether regions fully 😂😂😂😳

Mila14

yes that’s a waste

it would appear your wants and needs are at very opposite ends of the scale right now

I’m glad you feel ok
whilst a meeting in the middle is sometimes possible , it’s hard when it’s been quite so intense

it does sound like he has different goals
ahem

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I empathise with that so much...

I dated a lovely guy a few years ago. After a month he told me he wasn't over his ex. He didn't hint, or leave me to guess - he spelt it out in words of one syllable.

So that was clearly a sign for me to be the woman to help him get over her, only for me to dissolve after 8 months together when he told me he wasn't able to love anyone else.

You were with him 8 months and then he told you he wasn’t able to love anyone else but his ex girlfriend??

Yes - but he had told me within a month he wasn't over her, so I should have listened rather than thinking I could change that.

@Daisysunset …that’s terrible. Was he at least nice with you? Did you develop feelings for him? I think he was very honest telling you though, from the start.

MrO hasn’t come back to me with a plan to meet tomorrow and also now believes meeting in “neutral” place is the right thing. He’s gone stone cold. He’s really really pissed off I dismantled the weekend
Hasn’t even said good night to me. Absolutely incredible. I believe this is not happening now. He may be looking for alternative date in a frenzy… shame

Hi all. We met and talked for ages. I laid everything on the line, the social issues, feeling less of a priority than friends/work colleagues, the drinking, how things ended and the online dating. Initially he started by addressing the online dating thing saying he hadn't cheated, we were both single and I agreed but said I felt hurt he had moved on so quickly and it had left me feeling our relationship wasnt that meaningful to him (which he rejected entirely) I said I respected that if he felt it was time to move on then we should cut all contact and invest in going forward separately. He then said that he had thought about me every day since, hated how we left things but didnt know the right words to say. He said the POF thing was a distraction and that he hadn't the heart for it as he was thinking too much about me, that he needed me in his life and wanted a chance to put things right. He again said the time with me was the best of his life but accepted that my needs weren't being met. I genuinely had to stop myself from crying at a point, it was just all so sore. He has a busy weekend but offered up numerous options for us to meet again. I left it that we would have our weekend and think about the stuff we brought up to each other and then chat again early next week. I feel better that we both had a chance to say our piece. When I got home he texted to say he had deleted his profile. I need to think again ladies despite being mentally exhausted thinking about this.

Oh @LuckyLinda3 what an emotionally draining evening you've had. Sounds like it was very beneficial though, a chance to get everything on the table. Maybe the OLD profile was a gut reaction to what was happening and an attempt to move on quickly without fully addressing your relationship and why it ended. I think having some space now is a good idea - well done for holding firm on the weekend and agreeing to early next week. You just be shattered; I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Yes @Mila14 he was nice to me, didn't mention his ex after that initial conversation so I believed/hoped he'd moved on. It was a shock, but in hindsight I maybe should have seen it. And wow with Mr O, what an about turn! He's showing his true colours now he might not be getting what he wanted. Are you tempted to contact Mr A?

And Mr Train has been texting all night, he's been lovely, just like when we first met. He wants to meet at the weekend to see if we can rescue anything, I've said I'll sleep on it. I want to say no but I am tempted. It's his birthday and I've got a present for him which is making he think I will meet. I know nothing has changed though, so what's the point? I wish he'd just left me alone tbh. I was sad but I was trying to heal.

LuckyLinda3

i’m so glad you met and talked
id say the POF profile whilst very hurtful is a red herring , and a mistake on his part

maybe use the next few days to get clear on what changes you’d need to see to consider getting back together ?
and also what did you really like about him ? As clearly he has positives

he also clearly really likes you and is amendable to negotiations

Mila14

why is he pissed off ? Because you said you don’t want a casual and open thing ?
clearly some cold water 💦 has been poured on his nether regions

I’d say gently that neither of you are wrong per se
its not wrong to want a loving and serious relationship
it’s not wrong to want a wanton weekend after being widowed either

id gently say (and you’ve read that book ‘women who love too much’) that such a highly charged and frenetic erotic start is probably not how a more steady and loving companionship would start !

but I’m as bad as anyone for loving that high level of drama , sex etc

but I’m still confused why he’s pissed off
because you threw a cold bucket of water over his sex fest ??

Daisysunset

isn’t it funny that now he has lost you
all these feelings are coming out

and he probably does have feelings bit
also some engrained habits

I’d be almost tempted to meet and eye ball him

got feelings ? Then what THE FUCK was prioritising your laundry about ? And totally ignoring the fact I went to a funeral ?

the risk ( and I speak from experience ) is you fall
into bed and don’t discuss it at all

but this is a chance to interrogate a mr unavailable in his raW form

Naimee87

id say that after a year (?) he owes you an explanantion

I get the whole ‘no reply is a reply’ thing but that’s after a few dates - not after months and months of time together

you have to do what feels right of course

but I’d be sending a very directly worded email and holding him to account

im sorry as this must feel very hurtful
and you are a human being who deserves honesty and an explanation

im also flabbergasted that someone can totally turn WhatsApp off !

@Daisysunset i have a present sitting here tooo for MM’s birthday? So strange. @ibelieveinmirrorballs i think emailing would be weird even if it is massively tempting. Or trying the second number that we used, before he gave me the one we currently use to chat which he gave
me at exactly this time a year ago. Surely if there was big/dramatic news he’d have found a way to tell me by now, basically been 3 weeks. It’s just such a headfuck. In July while i was away and i deleted our entire chat by mistake (was very sad about that) he sent it back again as an attachment, and apologised about not being able to send the millions of photo’s we’d sent as well. I just don’t want to cross into creepy/stalker territory even if not having an explanation is confusing the hell out of me. Also i cannot find my phone anywhere so maybe a good thing for the time being. I’ll be unable to give into temptation if its nowhere to be found. I think its in the car. Not lost. @Mila14 how annoying about
MrO? I just don’t understand why men can get you so excited one minute only to do a 180 or even a 360 the next. And we are then the crazy ones because we’re trying to find out whats changed. A change in communication style 9/10 is a clear sign somethings changed in their minds. Silence often being the biggest one. Was dinner meant to be tonight? I’ve been seeing MM that long i cannot even begin to think about going on a 1st date… scares the beejesus out of me!

Hi 👋🏻
For anyone who would like to come to the meet up, it's 21 October in London.

Just send me a DM 📧 and I'll either add you to WhatsApp group or send you details separately.

Hope everyone is doing ok with those frustrating and unpredictable irons.

Maybe we should send them away for the weekend together in October to learn about respect, communication and being a loving and reliable partner.

We could call it something catchy like the 'sort yourself out mate' weekend. Or the 'basic guide to not wrecking other peoples' heads'.

🤷🏻‍♀️ just a thought 💭 really

@LuckyLinda3 …this is a tough one. He clearly has strong feelings for you and I believe what he’s said about his POF profile to be honest.
You’ve had the chance to discuss all your issues upfront with this relationship. I think a weekend to think it’s the right thing and perhaps meet for a coffee and see how you feel?

@LuckyLinda3 He is clearly saying all the right things.
Just remember that if you do try again you can always end it again.
You might be inclined to give it another go and see if he can make changes and meet your needs.

What's the deal with his drinking? Is it just that he is always put drinking and that's his social life?

Daisy, looks like you are about to fall in Mr Train’s arms again 😂😂😂. I would let the thing simmer over the weekend but you probably have made up your mind already. Is it possible
I have dusted myself off and gone incognito on apps but at least I will start looking over the weekend. I think Mr A is a thing of the past. I will not contact him however much he wants to meet and keeps messaging.
With MrO…I am responsible too because I was horny and he’s sooo sexy. I enjoyed having his full attention. No harm done really. He has not messaged since last night when he said we should meet in a neutral place that it was all ok.
I think I should have been more measured and not get snowballed like I did. I am super glad I had the eye to stop it on time

💛💛

@Daisysunset and @LuckyLinda3 your situations are strikingly similar in some ways - I don’t think either of you should be surprised that your absence (or the prospect of it) in their lives is painful to them and they don’t welcome it at all.

I do think though that what is key is whether the size of the hole that you leave in THEIR lives equates to the size of relationship/affection/connection you need in YOUR lives in order to feel happily connected to a partner.

@LuckyLinda3 I agree here with @Thisisworsethananticpated that the dating/POF is a red herring. The focus should not be that he’s missed you either, or that you’re the best thing he’s ever had. It must be whether he is capable of willingly and enthusiastically giving you what you need in a relationship. I really hope that last night has shown you that he really cares about you and that nothing untoward or hurtful has really taken place. You were right to value the relationship as he clearly did too. Stay strong though and ask “future Linda” what kind of relationship she needs going forward and stick to that when you talk with him. You are handling this so brilliantly, despite the pain.

@Daisysunset i know I’d have to go meet him so don’t be embarrassed if you do - it’s entirely human. But perhaps talk it through with the counsellor first and again ask yourself whether he’s capable in any way of giving you what you need in order to not feel anxious, stressed, obsessing over who texted first etc. These men aren’t robots and of course they love their time with us, but know in your heart what your heart needs to feel safe, secure and WANTED, and accept nothing less from him because it’ll only be betraying your future self.

I’ve done my nether regions fully
didn’t think I would read this a 7 in the morning 😌

ms Show & I have our 1st weekend away coming up soon, I’m looking fwd to it and really anxious in equal measures, what if she suddenly realises I’m just boring old man who only knows about monty Python gags ?
she is pretty keen the bedroom dept as well, I know sex can be lots of things, but she is quite keen on the regular stuff, what if I can’t, ahem “rise” to the occasion.., I think I will have to take my own advice and get some viagra to keep in my back pocket as a mental fallback, sexual performance anxiety levels will be through the roof., I read too many comments on this forum from women saying what they think about men who can’t get it up, ,
relax, relax, relax..and enjoy…, of for a morning bike ride to get the blood flowing (no pun intended)

I think I'll probably meet him, but I don't think I'll go back there. Like @LuckyLinda3 I'll take the weekend to think things through, and as @ibelieveinmirrorballs said, talk it through with my counsellor next week.

I don't think he's capable of giving me what I need - he might have decided he can give 100% of what he's got, but that might not be enough of what I need.

Naimee, I hope you find your phone! I would message MM. I think you deserve an explanation. At least understand whether he’s ghosted you.
MrO didn’t change his mind. It was me who did. I felt I wasn’t ready to just jump in bed straight away and cancelled today’s meeting at my place. I said I needed to feel a bit more certain and blah blah. I also said I’m monogamous and not into a few moments of pleasure here and there etc. He was stunned.
He then said he got it and would look for a neutral place to meet and have dinner but has not messaged back. Not even to say good night

I can’t blame him totally on this. I am too blame for carrying on and going crazy in lust. He’s just started dating. He should meet more women I think
I guess this a learning curve

Wow!!! It just keeps getting better and better. Has it occurred to you many of us like boring men!!! You are just her right type of boring. She’s keen on the bedroom department because she’s HAVING FUN WITH YOU. I can guarantee she would not be so keen if it was rubbish.
please relax and enjoy. Everything is just right and MrShow is a winner

Ok. Got a message from MrO. Good morning and he will ping me later with details about meeting tonight
I really feel like an idiot for leading him on this sex fest I was not ready for.
Anyway…we’ll see if he books somewhere. I’m not out of the woods yet but I am so fucking happy I stopped in my tracks and he sees clearly what a traditional moronic wifey I am.