Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Up and down with MrO. I’m not sure he’s ready for a relationship 🙄. I guess I have to wait to the weekend to understand better what we both want… he’s been more nervous today

I’m totally visualizing the dreaded “ I’m not ready for a relationship “. MrO has got plans with me all weekend but on Monday he’s off to his in laws
Perhaps a year is too soon to date seriously??

Has he said anything @Mila14 or are you just reading between the lines?

@Naimee87 My story is a woeful tale of an Unavailable Man (Mr Train) and Terrible Boundaries (me). Have now ended things, which I should have done ages ago, so predictably he is now promising the world 🙄

Good luck @LuckyLinda3 will be interesting to hear what he has to say.

And I think the same as @Thisisworsethananticpated about rejoining with a new email address @Lovemusic33

Happy swiping @Signoramarella 🤞

It sounds so intense @Mila14 - what are your weekend-long plans?

Thanks for the kind words earlier… I think the thread is invaluable in its collective wisdom. Hope some of us can meet in October..!

We have just had a very heavy conversation just when we were ready to meet tomorrow night. I have been very clear I don’t want sex only relationship and I am totally monogamous. I’ve also said I’m not looking for any one else and stopped apps until I know him better and see what’s happening
He’s cryptic. He talks about “moments” and living for the moments . My brakes are totally on.
I have been clear perhaps we better go for drink and put the brakes on this so no one ( me) gets hurt. I’m not happy to go all in sexually just for the weekend and I certainly not only live the moments
Perhaps he needs to date a lot more and have more happy moments with other women but I’m not going to be in that club
Thank goodness we have clarified issues
I don’t want to be with an unavailable man
He has not answered but my mind is made up. We go for a drink of anything and put the brakes on this

Hope all goes well @LuckyLinda3 - I’m glad he has suggested meeting as I do think it needed to come from him and not you (after sending random “good morning” texts.. 🙄)

After that duration of relationship it is the adult thing to do and I hope you get to articulate your needs and what’s brought you to this point.

@Mila14 you are so good at this..! I have been very bad at reading these kinds of signals when I’m in the throes of early excitement and would go along with it anyway.

I think his cryptic responses and talk of “moments” tells you probably as much as you need to know. You have said from the start you did think he would need to date around before committing as he was so new to it all.

Fingers crossed all goes well tomorrow - you certainly sound switched on!

Impressed with your boundaries too @Mila14

My problem is I notice it red flags but either ignore them or pretend to myself they suit me too.

I’m totally switched on @ibelieveinmirrorballs
We have decided to go for dinner and see how we feel but I think he’s pissed off

I’ve just had an exchange with MrM and dare I say it am finally starting to feel less interested even in maintaining an occasional FWB with him. We’ve not had any contact for about a week and he’s checked in as we have plans to meet soon. Cue what would be typical efforts from him to ramp up the flirtiness, set the scene, etc - this would then continue till we meet and we’d have 24h of fun.

But alongside the connection with MrN is deepening, is wholesome, loving and forward-focused, and it’s melting my heart after years of false start relationships following an awful marriage. I’m going to see how the next couple of weeks go but might gently park MrM after all.

@Mila14 I hadn't wanted to appear negative previously when you had posted about Mr O but some of your descriptions of the intensity of the messages and this overwhelming chemistry had been ringing a few alarm bells for me. I’m glad that you have slowed the pace or expectations for this weekend. I would want to see and hear what he has to say in person. Some people can get fixated on the prospect of sex and will say or do what they think the other person wants to hear. You seem to be very much in control of your boundaries. Let’s hope that he is the genuine article and he has just got a bit out of step with how things should be when you meet someone new.

Mila14

that’s quite an update
I’m impressed with you being so firm and honest upfront
I’d probably (a) not have that conversation ever
(b) meet and shag senseless
(c) get psycho intensive attached 😂and then cry when it doesn’t go my way despite red flags from day one

what weekend long plans did you have ?

@Daisysunset we sound really similar i could have written this My problem is I notice red flags but either ignore them or pretend to myself they suit me too. Its so hard when you see potential but they just dont. I’ve archived MMs chat for now… just gets me down seeing his name and that one tick next to it.

Where & when is the meet-up in October? I have plans to be over in the UK middle of October as its school holidays where we live! But needing to get DS’s passport renewed before the trips confirmed. We’re visiting family in Manchester, Hull and Leeds. But do have some relatives down south somewhere. I think close-ish to London. I’d love to put faces to the names. 😃

@Thisisworsethananticpated are you me...🤔

Thank you Daisy but I don’t want a FWB or FB. I’m clear about this. I think it works for a lot ladies here but it’s not what I want
Im ok to move on as nothing sexual has happened and I’m unscathed

Worsy I want to shag him senseless too but I wouldn’t feel ok afterwards. I value my mental and physical health.
Before we were going straight to shag crazy and eat dinner at my place
We wanted to hang out at my place , see 1 exhibition and go to nearby cinema , etc
Just cool things we both enjoy
He’s very pissed off now 😳.
We might not even meet for dinner and that would mean to me he’s not the right person for me
If he’s not happy to go out for dinner with me … he’s only there for the sex and companion
Not my thing

@Mila14 I don't want FB or FWB either, but that doesn't stop me accepting that if that's the only thing on the table.

And it is hard @Naimee87 when you see potential. I've just archived Mr Train - I feel hollow but settled as I know I've done the right thing. I can't imagine how you are coping with MM and his disappearing, you are definitely doing the right thing by not reaching out in other mediums though. The old classic no response is a response really holds true but it's so difficult when you want answers.

What is this meet up - everyone getting together somewhere and comparing notes face-to-face rather than on here?

Thank you @Stepcount
We had an amazing first date and ended up making out heavily on the street
I had the kids then until today so we didn’t do anything crazy
Obviously we’ve been lusting crazy after each other and planning to just go for it straight away
But… today I saw some bits that show he’s after “ moments of happiness “ and I swiftly wanted explanation
I don’t just want moments of happiness… I want steady happiness if you know my point
Then I told him I am not seeing anyone else and don’t plan to see anyone else to give this a go
I got silence
He’s gone completely quiet so I might not have a plan this weekend at all
In which case , I will resume my search and no harm done

I know how you feel @Daisysunset i’m still in shock/disbelief and think maybe that he’ll msg with some terrible news not that, that’s a good thing. But just going silent for no reason means i never meant anything to him perhaps he even has someone else? Seems i’ll never know. I just feel sad because we really were in contact so much about everything and the ‘not knowing’ when we would get to see each added to the excitement and made seeing each other all the more special. I truly do sound pathetic. Hence (yep hence) why i have a night out planned with a friend where i will see what else is on offer. Cannot face the apps ever again!

I know a few of the posters met up last year and i had wanted to go but travel was impossible. If it takes place again i’d quite like to go if the dates work.

@Daisysunset @Thisisworsethananticpated me too.. I have actively pursued people who have clearly told me they were not emotionally available and convinced myself that I was in fact looking for the precise (small) amount they could offer instead. Then taken great umbrage at them never changing despite my Herculean efforts 🤪

I’ve just remembered I can’t go to the meet up weekend - it’s the 21st October I think - as I’m away. I think if you message @BelladiMamma she can add anyone wishing to go to the WhatsApp group or give details separately.

I'm laughing as I read that because that's exactly me! And when they give you an extra crumb you hold onto it as a sign they have finally realised what they have with you and it's only a matter of time before they open up to you and confirm what you already 'know'.

@Naimee87 so sorry to hear about MM’s disappearing act. Can you email him? It seems odd that he has not accessed his WhatsApp at all. But perhaps a sign that you are more attached to the set up than he is… I don’t know. Really hope he gets in touch for some closure at least.

Daisy I’d arranged to meet MrM for the first time and during a call one evening he suddenly said “I don’t think I’m ready for this. I don’t think I’m looking for a relationship and I think you are - we shouldn’t meet.” That was that - until two days later I composed an immaculately amusing and flirtatious text and contacted him suggesting we meet anyway as we didn’t even know if we would find each other attractive and we were overthinking it”. After reeling him in like this, we met and of course hit it off massively and I started hatching my plan to have a relationship with him anyway. A few months later he ended it because.. drum roll.. he didn’t want a relationship. I fall about wailing. 🙄

I feel absolutely brilliant I stopped this on the tracks. He’s looking for a venue to go for dinner. I’m against auto hurting ourselves. I’ve booked extra gym classes for the weekend 😂😂😂. Let’s love ourselves properly
If we go for dinner I’m going to wear something so sexy, his jaw will drop to the floor 😂😂😂
I would feel horrendous if he’s after a sex weekend and see you later after or see you form time to time and whatever BS.