Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

LuckyLinda3

when in doubt
do nowt
but leave him ‘read’
you 100% need to talk I’m afraid !

but line your ducks up

trust me he’ll go online , chat and he will miss you even more as he won’t find that connection

you are somewhat in driving seat my Angel

Weird vibes and gut feeling work big time . We may be wrong about someone we really like but we are NEVER wrong about one who gives us bad feeling or weird vibe

Yes Worsy, you are right. But I met MrWall and that was that. We had 1 date only and I decided I didn’t need a second one…I’ve met MrO and I’m counting the hours to see him again 😂😂😂. The WhatsApping needs to stop. A call a day sounds better !!
The thing I see here is this guy is impossible to friendzone like MrA for example…but I don’t want a highly charged sexual relationship and nothing else. I want a partner and someone to share my world with and for him to share his world with me.
I know what I want…but what does he really want?? We will see. Right now it’s all tentative. He makes me laugh too which is something I missed from my previous irons

@Daisysunset
And he wasn't really - just an 'okay, good luck for the future'. Fee a little wounded as I've spent a lot of emotional energy on this one, far too much really, but I hope that's what the counselling will hope me unravel.

You should feel relieved you got rid of this man. His answer to your text is deeply wounding now but I’m sure he is feeling gutted he’s lost someone lovely although she wasn’t what he is after. He doesn’t even know what he’s after.
You invested emotionally but at least you are sincere and developed feelings

Really good you found a good therapist . Crying is underrated. It’s so good and so human

I think that’s a perfect definition of being in love with someone and sensing the other person is not feeling the same or has a problem to jump with you. @ibelieveinmirrorballs Is a wonderful addition to this thread. And someone I’d be honoured to call a friend

Mila14

true dat
you totally nailed it ibelieveinmirrorballs

you should write a book !

Very wise Worsy…I agree you are on the driving seat. Think carefully how would you like the relationship to be if you want to resume it

I was thinking we are VERY LUCKY to have this thread. Thank you everyone 🥰🥰🥰

Exactly that @Mila14. Very valuable advice here and very much appreciated. I haven't replied at all to his message and don't really feel in the driving seat but I will reply later and I think for now I'll keep things very friendly just, no intention of asking to meet up. Either he does that or it doesn't happen. Weirdly 2 exes from the past have popped up this week. One I have no intention of engaging with as he is a bit of a player but the other was a nice man I met when I first started dating again. We met a few times and he could see I wasn't ready but I ultimately ended it. His family own a pub quite local to me and he suggested I might call in some time for a catch up as he works there. Nothing in it but still nice to catch up and I might take him up on his offer just for social purposes.

I've now had lots of long texts apologising for not showing me how much he cared about me. Lots of compliments and talking about memories and what the future could hold for us. Explanations about why contact was minimum sometimes and reiterations about how invested in 'us' he is.

I'm putting it out the and saying how little he was giving to me emotionally and funnily enough he's not commenting on that aspect. I've said I was hurt and upset by some of his actions and he is apologising for how I felt but not what he did, and I feel there's a subtle difference there.

I've got it all off my chest now, he texted last and I feel mo need to respond any more.

I think worsy said about how abruptly the relationship needs to end, and they really do. You go from regular texting and calling and checking in to absolutely nothing. There's such a void.

You are right mila14, crying is underrated. I've had a few tears on my friend today today which I needed, although I am at work so my make up looks awful.

I'm sorry - I've not commented on anyone else's situation recently; I've been stuck in my own head, but I will catch up this evening and sending hugs to all who are experiencing pain and heartache, for whatever reason ❤️

@Daisysunset Hello! Nope nothing...still 1grey tick next to his photo. Im clueless. I suddenly thought should I text an old number i have for him...or text him rather than whatsapp him but then thought whats the point. If he really wanted to be in touch then surely he would be??!! I honestly do not want to cross over into desperate territory where im demanding answers or calling him out on his behaviour. If he does ever switch his phone on or check whatsapp at least i havent said anything i would regret and want to take back. Have to accept this is the reality as shit as it is. I havent managed to read through all the comments but whats your story? Sorry i did post rather selfishly the other day as i was on here quite a bit last year i think. Met a disaster of a man on the apps and then MM made a reappearence after i had tried my best to move on so i ended up jumping back into bed with him. Best thing i did moving on from the OLD disaster man, but seems in the long-run jumping back into MMs bed was a bad idea.

@SideshowAuntSallly i got my truck obsession like you do with planes! Im not on any social media so the idea of two profiles does strike me as weird...but who knows these days people just are never what they seem even if you think you have history or trust them, they can still turn out to be someone totally different.

Naimee87

that’s weird
as if his photo is there is it’s means he literally hasn’t turned on WhatsApp

which is unusual but feasible if someone has
lost their phone

when does he start work
can you at least email him ?

in general people After such a long time don’t just dissapear
they fade ….

@Thisisworsethananticpated I have an email address for him. Many many many months ago i actually blocked him and he emailed to tell me i was being childish. Really random behaviour. But lots and lots of history between us. Which is why i feel so confused/down. Nothing before he went on holiday gave me any inkling he would do this. Before his holiday he told me nothing will change, of course we will be in touch... a few holiday photos and then him saying we will be able to catch up after the 31st. Since the 15th nothing and msgs are not going through. I think I last sent a msg on the 19th which shows as undelivered. Was only an emoji combination that we often send when we know each other is really busy. He must be back at work by now so really i have absolutely no idea what to think. I did nearly cave earlier but text my friend instead and she is very very quick with the tough love approach so i wont be trying to reach him through different channels. But his photo has not yet disappeared but i fear this is likely the next step.... FUN TIMES! @😂

id just email him
ask what the fucks going on
and then you have an answer
better than not Knowing , making up
stories

if he called you childish , then call him back on it

as ignoring you rather than facing a conversation is also childish

it’s not really a tough love situation here
you need an answer so you can move on ?

sending a very direct question isn’t being a wuss
its being direct

that’s just me x

Update...so I replied to his message with something about it being a nice day and we got into a to and fro thing. He asked me a few times about my plans and told me his son is away to weds. I kept it very basic and told him to enjoy his day off and weekend. He made a joke about my free time over the weekend and I fronted up that I knew he was back online and that I wouldn't be part of some messaging triangle and that we deserved to give our new paths our full attention. He came straight back with we are both single now and that he hasn't or never cheated on me. I can tell that hes definitely hurting too by the tone of his texts and he is persistently responding despite the difficult nature of what we are saying.

We havent gone this long without texting each other in over a year. I think 4 maybe 5 days when he was away working. Or some weekends... but even then he is big on sending photos. We have had a lot of discussions about levels of communication given all the obstacles we have with distance/jobs/kids etc. thought we had gotten to a good place. But that seems to be a curse with me. Once I relax into things, feel content, everything changes and never usually in a good way. It just shouldnt be this much hardwork...

Help, is there anyway of searching for someone on tinder? I have a big crush on someone and haven’t been brave enough to tell him, was just flicking through tinder and he was on there but my finger was one step behind and swiped the wrong way 😬 and now I will never know which way he has swiped on me (if he has). Will I just have to keep swiping and hope he comes up again? There doesn’t seem to be a way of searching or going back unless I pay money.

He rang suggesting we meet up this eve for a walk on the beach to talk. I agreed (was I stupid?)

@LuckyLinda3 Not stupid at all.
Go there knowing what you want to say, why you ended it, times you brought up the issues and nothing changed. The fact that you went to him every Saturday and every Saturday you went out to his local and he often left you with people you didn't know plus anything else he has done.

See what he has to say for himself.

LuckyLinda3

no ! You need to talk woman
bit as sorting said , take that list and be very firm

and listen as he will have his own thoughts I am sure
good luck xxx.

Lovemusic33

you will have to rejoin tinder with a new email address ! That’s the only way I’m afraid

@LuckyLinda3 maybe you are already on your way but I agree with Sorting. You seem a strong person so now it’s about either looking for understanding from him about your concerns with the relationship as it was or getting closure and knowing that if he doesn’t respond positively tonight then this is who he is and unlikely to ever be the kind of partner you need and deserve.

Thanks everyone, not away yet and I'll update later.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Oh you are in italy if I have read this right? Am waiting for my property to sell in said country and I too will be hoofing it out there.
Meanwhile, a bit of action on Bumble, think I'll settle in with a gin and tonic and do some swiping tonight!

Good luck LuckyL . Talking this through is the right thing to do