Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear and think that we meant something. I know I shouldn't be checking but hes online very early and late and I'd say no doubt already sending good morning texts to someone else. I feel so disposable but refuse to let this set my value. I know I cared for him and respected him as a partner should with lovely mixes of chemistry and intimacy thrown in. In my head I've decided it will be very difficult to replace him but I do think I'm rose tinting too as we had so little time together really and only achieved so little socially for many reasons, mostly his. Definitely think with time I will see this much clearer. I've taken today off to spend with my DD before she goes back to school and the sun is shining, here's to a good day for everyone.

Great post about doing "what your heart needs " @ibelieveinmirrorballs. I can so relate to that as I'm sure @Daisysunset will too. You are so right about it being so difficult to end when they are decent people but good that you think that ending things is us prioritising our own needs. I remember often in the past few weeks feeling uneasy about something on my 45 min commute to his every sat night. I blamed it on mum guilt for leaving my DD but in hindsight I think I knew it wasnt working but didnt face up to it as he was a decent man. Hoping I get stronger from this and learn to make better decisions earlier.

Fwiw @LuckyLinda3 i also agree with Worsy about it not meaning they didn’t value you if they’re back on apps - it’s a fairly standard knee-jerk response I think.

I had a very poignant post-split exchange with my lovely MrM after a month of no contact - I had messaged him to say that I missed him but knew this was the right thing as I needed someone who was prepared to hold hands with me and jump into the unknown in terms of connection. He wrote back saying that yes, he suffered emotional vertigo and I deserved to find a man with a head for emotional heights. It made me smile but also accept that that man wasn’t him - kind, lovely, funny etcetc as he was/is. They are who they are. It’s awful being entangled with someone where “what you need” by definition constantly feels too much and as though you’re having to contain it because you sense it might tip them over the edge.

Also @LuckyLinda3 i think you’ve done amazingly well to articulate that this wasn’t enough for you and to put yourself through this pain for a bigger end goal

Aw ladies, I've just got a good morning text from him, heads fried, all advice greatly appreciated.

It’s awful being entangled with someone where “what you need” by definition constantly feels too much and as though you’re having to contain it because you sense it might tip them over the edge.

This is so well put, @ibelieveinmirrorballs

Morning all.

Checking back in.

@LuckyLinda3 it’s so hard 💐

@SideshowAuntSally @SideshowAuntSallly congratulations on the new job!! 🥳🥳

God @LuckyLinda3 - FFS - do you know this confusing behaviour alone is just not good enough. It is leaving you wondering “what is he thinking?” “Have I misconstrued things, does he still think we’re together in some way?” It’s so unclear and that is not good enough!

You deserve someone who’s going to be making it very clear how they feel about you and what’s happening between you because they value what the two of you have. This is the person you entrusted with your heart!

It’s hard to say what I would do but I’d like to think I’d ignore this message. Clearly he is angling for a response and to start a discussion. He’s on POF but also sending these weak messages. Ugh.
What will you do?

@LuckyLinda3 @SortingItOut completely agree with Worsy, both your irons adored you. I think they are both feeling a bit lost and raw just like you but men have a different way of coping hey ☹️💐💐 for ya both xx

It’s funny as every time I head to work (commuting) I see old iron MrTrades on my way to the station. Seen him around a few times and he’s actually an ok guy.
Sometimes people come across differently when you take the stress off a ‘date’ and just see them naturally.. no pressure either side then I guess

Every post you say resonates with me Worsy!
if I could meet someone and have the emotional turbulence but also the connection I would take it… rather than this void of nothingness as not met or chatted to anyone in sooooooooooooo long
The heartache is worth it …..otherwise what is life about?!?

@LuckyLinda3 Do you think if you talked to him about why things got difficult between you he would try his hardest to address them? I wouldn’t be able to bob around in this limbo. I think if you want to know where his head is at you should meet and have an open conversation about things. If you want a committed relationship with someone you can’t avoid or be afraid of the tough conversations. If he thinks that things can just be picked up and carried on with after the events of the last couple of weeks then he needs to be told how you feel, what you found difficult and what you would need going forward. But all of that is only IF you feel you want another shot at things.

Wow @Daisysunset well proud of you 🌼🌻🌺 you are much stronger than you think!!
we all are 💪💪💋💋

Found this account on Instagram this morning - @good_byes and it seemed very alt for some of the conversations we've been having on this thread ... she has a series of template messages for ending things or bringing up difficult topics, getting closure from a ghoster etc ...

Yeah agree @LuckyLinda3 i think any further conversations needs to be face to face too defo not texting as it will turn nasty, whats he doing being on pof and messaging you? Disrespectful

Scuse all the typos!!

*apt

Plus I spelt her address wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway ... other than that I hope it's useful ...😁

@LuckyLinda3 he sounds confused and insecure!!!! 😣

Thanks all for your replies. Back in the early days maybe 3/4 dates in we met one night and I gave him basically a list of things I would/wouldnt accept in a relationship. I cringe looking back at it as 99% of people would have bolted so early in. He persisted. He worked around my needs and kids for months. I wouldnt DTD for months and again he persisted, no pressure. Telling me always that he knew from day 1 I was worth waiting for. In my marriage I walked around holding all in for years, never expressing myself, bottling it up. This time I let loose, if I was annoyed I said it. We talked. He never shyed away from the awkward conversations but every so often would say dont give up on us, I feel like you could walk away at any minute. So possibly for him I was a bit of an uncertainty. Only last week he said I am still afraid of giving someone 100%. I know for sure if we were to meet up we could talk frankly, both of us. I would have to mention POF I think, even though so many people have told me it's a very typical thing people do. My gut was always to let this weekend pass and allow him to go out and see from there. Again all advice appreciated. I must add I do love and miss him but still know ineed more than I was getting.

@ButterflyOfShay yes, confused definitely and I've been wondering lately about insecurity too!

@LuckyLinda3 I really admire the way you’ve played this, you’re definitely in control here, which I think is exactly how it should be. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, if you love him its worth talking through hey x

@LuckyLinda3 he’s probably confused because he’s really upset and doesn’t know how to handle it x

Aw @ButterflyOfShay thank you, you've made me cry reading that x

@LuckyLinda3 i think after a year meeting to discuss is the grown up thing to do although I would really struggle to respect someone who is basically making these weak displays of wanting to open a conversation - why are YOU now the one having to interpret these messages and - I assume - take the reins and suggest meeting/ laying cards on the table?

m It is so hard to let go of “lovely, but not quite enough” - I think at the least it’s worth really examining what you genuinely need in a relationship and asking yourself whether it is possible for him to meet these needs. And also if he wasn’t meeting them before (for exanple prioritising colleagues and drinking with friends Ds) why was he prepared for you to feel as though you were down the list of priorities? Sending hugs.

Best way to spend the day @LuckyLinda3, your DD is a fantastic plan. I’m sure you also think about way of living. Your now ex needed his nights with the lads and he’s in a social drinking circle that gets harder to break as time goes. This was never your scene for what you have let us know. Don’t chastise yourself checking social media online times please. Just delete him if you can. Mental hygiene to take air and decide your next step