Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks everyone. Don’t think it’s a money issue - was just convenience by the sounds of it (she says it was the only way she could nail down a meet with him as he had a hectic schedule). I guess it does just depend on the individual.

@Slothmomma and @Daisysunset .THANK YOU BOTH. I know you are both right and I should protect myself…but how??? It’s really difficult to do. I can put a façade here and say I’ve got everything controlled but I don’t. I think maybe when I see him over the weekend we don’t feel this intense. I don’t really now. But I know ONE THING…if it doesn’t work out I will be gutted but it’s not the end of the world. I will simply think he’s not right for me and take my time.it’s really really difficult when you like someone so much and are all day long chatting and messaging 😱😱. Maybe we calm down after DTD? At the moment I think we are both crazy about being intimate with each other. The attraction is beastly. I can’t see any red flags at the moment…I’m probably totally blind

Big hello everyone - I missed you! I’m going to t try and trail back through the pages later but for now I teally hope you’re all doing ok. @Mila14 this sounds exciting!

so I have failed myself 😅 and fallen for valley boy. We are now exclusive. It’s not what I expected and practically not ideal given it’s longish distance and I’m a FT single mum, but we’re both pretty smitten. I do not like relationship primarily by phone/video/text however.

The artist has become a good friend (the final nail in the coffin was when he told me I was the sister he never had). he even helped my dad build our new trampoline…

I also have a date for my prolapse surgery and will be off work/out of action for 6+ weeks. valley boy has already booked a week off work to help
out.

I don’t know if it’ll go anywhere but I’m enjoying it and still trying to watch for red / amber flags. I did a Claire’s Law request, which I’d do for any future partner, so waiting to see if anything comes back from that. But he is, so far, very open, funny and loving.

im looking forward to reading your updates Xx

@Mila14 It’s difficult to see the red flags other than that in a way, the going from 0 to 60 and having the ability to seamlessly be chatting/texting/obsessing with someone is a sign that someone/both of you are looking for “something” to fill a big gap. Often the ones that start in this way can end just as quickly when the fantasy of who that person is in each other’s head starts to become reality. For you can’t know each other at all, really - not the real person. And he’s a widower, which might also indicate he’s looking for something to replace that loss.

There’s nothing by definition wrong with it which is why we can keep going but I think it’s good to be cautious of these very fast and intense beginnings. I get nervous about MrNice similarly because he’s very straightforward and “into it all” - but I’m his first relationship that’s involved feelings since splitting with his ex a year ago. It’s easy to think someone is the answer to all your prayers when you really very much want love, affection and intimacy after a marriage ending, for example.

I don’t think it’s realistic to think you’ll do things much differently with Mr O - but it could be worth checking in with each other occasionally to remind the two of you that it’s early days, important to keep boundaries, maintain friendships and other hobbies/interests.

Im having the opposite almost at the moment with MrNice because it’s boundaried and not excessive in between meets, and because I’m used to drama-filled intense relationships it leaves me looking for faults and wondering if it’s ‘enough’. Luckily when we speak or meet it’s consistently very lovely but the in between times are not as frantic as I’m used to!

Thank you Worsy, feast your eyes on Italian men and safe travels. I’m sure you are missing the DC and you will be very pleased to collect them.
what amazes me of MrA is that he’s really pushing to keep dating me regardless of me dating Mr O. I think he’s very used to OLD and knows how difficult it is to play it all to one card. My gut feeling is that I’m safe with MrO but I never quite went super enthusiastic about MrA. I was delighted to date Mr O after having lovely date with MrA. And, oh well, when I saw Mr O that was that really.

@Heartsearch I’d agree - dating should be about going out at least sometimes. Yes there’s a point at which you start inviting someone over , but that should be about feeling comfortable enough to do that, not an indication that the two of you no longer need to go out and do things together. I’d find that quite boring after a while - I’m looking for someone to have adventures with, not just someone to entertain (or be entertained by) at home.

I’m so guilty of that with convincing myself I only wanted the crumbs!

Best of luck with the counsellor this morning - I’ve found mine an invaluable hand-hold through the dating minefield.

OMG…Valley boy!!! Brilliant stuff. You don’t need a “brother” so good that the Artist is out of the way.
You must be counting the days for the surgery. Really amazing Valley boy is taking time out to be handy. That shows he’s a KEEPER.
what is a Claire law request??
About long distance, better to have a very solid loving relationship than shagging the guy next door. Time can fix that issue. Has Valley boy got kids?? There maybe some compromise to be reached if you want to live nearer him ( as in him moving nearby??). You can’t move as kids come first.

@Thisisworsethananticpated you are right about me being bruised. I suppose I had doubts rumbling anyway about his loyalties and a niggle about his drinking too if I'm honest. That said we got on sooo well, amazing chemistry and he had so many qualities I admire so I'm unsure. I've had no further messages since 5 yesterday when he was asking about my daughter...they got on so well. His messages were just friendly so I really dont know his intentions, it could be purely friendship so I think I'll just give it a few days. I get a chance to think and he can have his night out. Hope everyone has a good day.

@Levithecat that's a great turnaround. I agree on the video / text ... but at least we have that rather than nothing.

Also re Clare's Law. You've reminded me that we should all do this. Says she, 9 months into a relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Thanks. I think it maybe does bother me a bit that she was quite happy with that arrangement (he finished with her because she had doubts about a very long term commitment she’d need to make if she stayed with him) but, like you, she seems to be someone who likes going on adventures, etc, so I guess she might have got bored of it herself eventually had he not.

Would def recommend a Claire’s law request, this gives you information on any domestic violence related incidents in their history. It’s easy to apply - either online with your local force or by calling 111.

we won’t be able to move anywhere near one another for years as we both have kids, but we shall see - will just need to negotiate LDR for now. Thanks all Xx

Excellent advise as usual. I can see perfectly this is absolutely mental ibelieve but none of us is stopping. I’m always telling him , aren’t we going crazy here? Is this normal?His answer is who dictates what’s normal? He must also see this is mental …it’s not sustainable to spend the day grinning like a Cheshire Cat and super aroused. The big red flag is this is too much.

My thinking is the weekend will bring things down a notch and we will be able to relax a bit. We have plans to do stuff we both enjoy, jointly and separately. But mainly together.

I think we are all very flawed at this stage in life regarding love but also…what chance is there to be totally available and fall in love if we control every step we take? Do we need to rationalise feelings and protect ourselves ad infinitum in order not to get hurt? I don’t know what else can I do at this stage…

I don’t want to be holed up at home either. There’s plenty out there to enjoy. I would find that arrangement stifling

There are red flags here @Mila14 and you asking him “is this too much?” is good but you are not asking the right person because he’s unlikely to agree as he’s feeling the chemistry too 😆

My iron previous to MrM told me after a few weeks “I haven’t felt this way about someone for 20 years!” having been separated less than a year from his wife (whom he’d known for 10 years 🙄). This didn’t stop him calling an end to things after 6 months because he realised he wasn’t ready for a relationship and couldn’t commit. Interestingly, I mentioned the fact he’d said this to him recently (we’re now quite amicable - genuinely only friends, unlike MrM 🤩) and he insisted that he had meant what he said when he said it.

A good reminder I think that I’m the moment we can have these very strong feelings, but it doesn’t mean we’re ready or that we can do a proper committed relationship.

I think you have to go for it with MrO - enjoy it, life is about adventure - but keep posting here and keep your eyes as wide open as possible while enjoying the ride (literally, this weekend 😝)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs very good point. My ex said hed never loved anyone the way he loved me, even his wife who he separated from 10 years ago. He also said he'd never had a sexual/intimate connection like ours previously and yet here we are and I'm obviously questioning if he meant these things at all. It's no wonder it's so tough to date successfully these days!! I often wonder with OLD do people over time "learn" the "right" things to say?

Maybe from his perspective it was just hooking up - whilst she interpreted it as more. I just find it odd the guy didn’t make more effort. I feel almost offended on her behalf 🤣

Thank you ibelieve , it’s not clear to me either of us are fully ready for anything… we are skirting around his widowed status and the fact I don’t want to live with anyone as I have kids home. Very enlightening about your experience with iron ore MrM, it’s good we see real life examples here.
I will be posting here as usual…the good, the bad and the ugly…and the beautiful too

Just a quick follow up on me wondering if he meant the things he said. I think now more than likely he didnt, a friend has just messaged me to say she saw his profile online on POF earlier today. Seems I may have been giving him way too much credit all along.

@LuckyLinda3 Some men think ignoring the situation is best,so pretend it hasn't happened and move on to someone new.
I wonder what his answer will be to the question everyone asks 'how long have you been single'😱

I have the opposite problem with Mr K - I thought he would be back on Fab asap as he always was highly sexed but I haven't seen him and I definitely would as he lives so close so I'm assuming he's got someone else via other means (no thought to the fact he might just be single and not looking). Trying not to think he may have had them lined up already😕
(It's time of the month so I get like this, I'll ride with it and forget him again in a few days!)

@SortingItOut for me it means he didnt value what he had and doesnt deserve another chance. It is tough but we deserve better than that.

@LuckyLinda3 He was messaging you to check on you…and then his profile is up POF. Oh well. it shows you were a lot more considerate and right to not message him back
@SortingItOut …if MrK is highly sexed you need to think he might be looking around really. I think you can also date and check what’s out there. It’s been a reasonable time for you to see he might not want to come back. We are hormonal creatures. I also get very bad PMS…I try to rationalise it and stay low key those days 😳

Agreed

@Mila14 I accepted it was over after our chat where he didn't want to try again.
I'm fine with him having someone else but want I don't want to consider is the fact he may have had someone lined up already before we split.
It would be hypocritical of me to not want him to have met someone else when I'm currently recruiting for an FWB.....

Heartsearch There's loads of men looking for relationships like that (in my experience of OLD) the 'First date, out somewhere' is kind of the 'Lets get this over with & then we can slip straight into being a couple & staying in, as that's what's easier/I'm used to' (whatever works for them)

Not for me but each to their own.

LuckyLinda I also think he was just testing the waters, seeing if you were going to suggest giving it another go maybe, & because you didn't, he went to POF. I'm sorry he did it though

Levithecat Lovely news