Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Can someone who uses bumble explain to me how someone has sent me a message after the match expired ?
Matched, sent me a message I found a bit creepy, ignored it, it expired and I thought nothing of it and now they've just sent another message

@SortingItOut time of the month definitely makes emotional trauma hurt even more 💐 its harsh!! x

So I got a message from him earlier saying no hard feelings and I just replied absolutely none and that I hoped he had a good birthday and all the best. I got another message then asking how our meal went and then another message saying he didnt go to the party as he didnt want to arrive on his own (despite his work mates being there).

Sorry I mean attend on his own not arrive!

@Daisysunset If you end it and give him a chance you're delaying the inevitable, he may change for a short while but intrinsically this is him and he won't be able to sustain it.
It's hard but just end it and don't give any 2nd chances.

@LuckyLinda3 They always pop up!!
Was he saying you were his social support crutch which is why he didn't go to the party or that he was embarrassed to be single?
If he was embarrassed about being single surely he could have said that you were busy which is why you weren't there, and then tell the truth when he is ready?

Was there anything about the event that caused the split? Any acknowledgement of how he treated you?

💕💕

I think you're right about delaying the inevitable @SortingItOut

So damn textbook though - I was only lukewarm in reacting to his messages yesterday, his last message was just a few words so I didn't reply.

He is very much you text/I text - first double text in ages came yesterday morning - so I was expecting to send the first message today but surprise surprise - another double text! Part of me is annoyed that he's being so predictable and the other part is pleased he's playing Mr U to a tee.

And I have thought in the past that 7 months in, we shouldn't be so hung up on who texts first and when, should we? Surely we should feel free to contact when we have something to say and not play games.

Happy Tuesday to everyone - let's hope it's a short week, rather than five days of drama squeezed into four!

@SortingItOut no nothing deep at all. Just very normal messages. He simply said he didnt fancy going on his own. I expect he will just disappear again now.

@Daisysunset definitely shouldn’t be angsting over who’s texting first. Is it clear to him that you have strong feelings for him/would have wanted more than he is giving? If so I think it starts to be cruel for that person to continue the relationship - if roles were reversed and I knew I was causing someone anxiety by my inability to give them what they needed, I’d like to think I’d do the decent thing for us both.

I think if you end this with Mr Train, and are able to say something like “I wish you all the best, but this isn’t enough for me” I think it’ll do your self-esteem the world of good. These relationships can start to make us ashamed of our needs and of wanting more than what they’re offering, when in fact we’re big-hearted and capable of love and in fact that’s something magnificent.

How has that left you feeling @LuckyLinda3 ? It sounds to me like he’s more concerned about being thought badly of somehow. Painful as it is, you definitely need more than he was offering here.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes, it's very clear to him that I want more and am
Invested in 'us'. Or was, I guess...

And I feel the same way - I've dated people in the past where they clearly wanted more than I did and I have always let them down gently and with care for their feelings.

He knows what he is doing - I've said in the past I need more contact when we don't see each other for ages. We used to text all night and now sometimes I don't hear from him because he says he is busy;

@GoldenMirror Have you heard anything from him?

Wow @LuckyLinda3 he must have known we were talking about him! How do you feel about hearing from him?

@Daisysunset from everything you’ve said he just doesnt sound like a nice person with your best interests at heart, he sounds like a general head wrecking, ungrateful, cruel prick and for that reason alone I’d end it! 💐💐

@LuckyLinda3 I think the fact that he has been in touch is a good thing. Obviously you know him far better than any of us so may be able to decide what his motives are but for me it would have been difficult to simply pull the plug on the relationship and never speak to each other again. The way you described him in posts was as someone at worst over busy and a little thoughtless but never as manipulative, rude or other far more negative traits. A year is a long time to be with someone, have them as the focus of your thoughts and plans. If you feel things are definitely done between you then at least you have had this text exchange to bring some closure.

@Daisysunset I feel for you greatly as the relationship with Mr Train is clearly making you sad and that’s not good for anyone. Did I read in one of your earlier posts that you are hanging on in there as you don’t feel able to end it? ( this may not be what you said exactly but it felt like the gist of where you are at) I have been where you are, I’m sure many of us have. Knowing that you are in a situation that is unlikely to ever be what you want or need but having the strength to walk away and give up hoping that things will change is a challenge. Which part of him not being in your life are you finding most difficult to face?

Hi @ibelieveinmirrorballs just another of the great unknowns! I'm really not sure as there was nothing significant at all except saying no hard feelings. I'm missing him a LOT but trying to remind myself I need/deserve more as you say.

@ButterflyOfShay aw I'm sad its over. I will miss our wee daily messages and all the good things about our time together.

I think even that is such a buttoned up way of him quantifying what needs to be said after the break up of a year long relationship @LuckyLinda3 … is that all that he thinks needs to be said? I’m sorry you’re missing him so much and it’s completely understandable after a year of being in each other’s lives.

@Stepcount you have summed it up so well. He had so many traits I admire and I could see us long term in that sense but although I felt he was always there for me if I asked/needed him I also think it was clear his friends/work colleagues and his existing social life was more of a priority. I realise this sounds conflicting but even recently when the prospect of a night with the lads came up he marched straight to the office to make sure he was taken off the rota while he missed the night I organised despite several reminders. It was things like this, his 3 nights a week drinking and limited time that ultimately forced me to question our future despite his numerous good qualities and off the scale sexual chemistry.

I'm quite sure if we met in person we would both have so much more to say @ibelieveinmirrorballs but I think it's best left now as it is. If he suggests meeting I will otherwise I think right now I know what I need to know. Friends are convinced that he will not change as this is who he is. It will get easier in time, hopefully.

LuckyLinda3

hey saw he got in touch
I had a feeling he would
as sounds like he was more stuck in his ways than fundamentally a bad person

would you want to have a conversation with him as you guys ended very abruptly ?

either way sending you the best as you navigate this
I’ll bet he’s just as sad and confused as you are

im not saying you get back together but I’m a fan of close out , IF the person can be honest

Daisysunset

thw good thing abiut mr train is whilst you figure this all out he is so unavailable that you can fade in him for a week or so while you figure it out

the bad thing is that as you fade he will sense it , see his sex and affection tap getting turned off and up his ante ! be warned as I can see he’s already texting more 🙈

and as with LuckyLinda and myself and - you the sexual chemistry 🧪 part does make it very very hard to say goodbye 👋

GoldenMirror

one problem with the messaging is it’s very hard to keep it up and keep the spark if you are having a bad day for whatever reason

he might well be back !
but we all know far to well how crappy it feels when the chat stops and you are left wondering why