Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Daisysunset Are you exclusive with Mr Train?
If you are then going on Tinder is cheating...what if he did the same to you?

I know he's emotionally unavailable but he doesn't deserve this.
Just end it and carry on with Tinder.

I’m an idiot too then. I’m in constant belly tightening butterflies about Mr O. I cannot help it. And he’s always available to chat to me or to call me or whatever. I’m not used to this!!. I fancy him crazy and I think it’s mutual. I have to wait to the weekend but I feel 0 shame.
Mr A is no longer messaging . I think he got the Geist … I’m polite but I can’t play any band when I am totally obsessed with Mr O.

This is a safe space to be silly and admit it and make mistakes too

id love to say I’m controlling this situation and I go slowly and blah blah but it’s simply not true.

im controlling 0 . And I think he’s controlling very little too. We are NOT cool right now. He’s like a demented teenager and me too

You can rant all you want for as long as you want. Do you think we don’t identify with you massively ? Many of us do. I feel total empathy and I get going back for more and hot sex and then WTF?

💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 is the book good?

@LuckyLinda3 another one saying you did good not to message him. If you messaged him even though it was his bday it would just make you seem weak. Then he’d lose respect for you. Just my opinion i am harsh though lol.

Well done @Daisysunset !! 💪💪
🖕🏼 Him!! Xx

Hello all,
so things are going good with Ms Show, a few hiccups on the way from both sides, mostly around trust , but we both quite pragmatic so we kinda just work through stuff.
its her birthday coming soon (just a regular one), I’ve organised some flowers & chocolates to be sent her workplace & a meal organised, which I think will be okay.

the other current “issue”, is the old chestnut of sex, ( kinda),, I’m not sure the sex is “hot”, but she keeps coming back, so maybe Luke warm…
currently, we (I) are using condoms, she has made a few gentle comments along the lines of “we don’t need those “, obviously she is post menopause, so no unwanted pregnancies, but what is the polite but clear way of asking her to have an STI test,
I was thinking of just showing her my results (took a test 2 weeks ago), and asking to see her results.?, of just plain asking her to get tested ?

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow How old is Ms Show?
Do you know when she last had a period?
Just because of her age doesn't make her post menopause.....

I'd just say that you're happy to go without condoms if she is happy to take an STI test like you have done.
I think she'll appreciate how responsible you're being

Thanks @ButterflyOfShay. I think a wee spell on my own is necessary now. All this is emotionally draining and I need to build myself up again. Thanks to everyone, your support has meant an awful lot x

@Stepcount she is 50, 51 this year.
she told me during one of our earlier dates that she was going menopause during her divorce in 2016/17.

Awwww happy for you @HowlongWillThisTakeNow 👏👏

@SortingItOut can I ask how long you and Mr K were together and how long are you split up? Did he ever try to reconcile?

Hopefully she’s a pretty good judge of where she’s at with that then..!

I’m 52 and have had this conversation a couple of times and have broached it in a kind of “that’s a great idea, shall we both get tested?” kind of way. You can say you’ve had a test recently so should be fine but could suggest doing it together or something, so she doesn’t feel like she’s under scrutiny.

So good to hear all is going well; I’d imagine she’d say it was more than just “lukewarm” in the sex dept.

Aaargh. I’ve jinxed it. No message today

No you have not. MrO didn’t any messages at all. Until we met. After meeting him…it’s non stop. It means nothing. Sometimes you don’t necessarily know what to say either. When are you meeting next??

@LuckyLinda3 We were together 2months shy of 3 years.
We were FWB for 9 months before we made it official although we'd been exclusive 3 months after we met (not discussed but spent all our spare time having sex so no time for anyone else).

We've been split nearly 2 months.

The day after we split I sent a message (with the help of my best friend) asking to talk things through as it had all happened so suddenly. He agreed. I heard nothing over the weekend so messaged on Monday asking if he was ready to meet, he said no, he was still thinking about things and would let me know. I asked him to be honest and tell me if he didn't want to chat as I would move on. He said he was still thinking....finally on the Saturday I messaged again and asked if he was ready to meet to chat, he suggested Sunday evening. When we met to chat he just kept saying it wouldn't work while I tried to discuss things and he wouldn't backdown or even discuss us.
I wished he had just said this by message , I was meeting to discuss a way forward, he was meeting to tell me he didn't want to try again.
I regret sending the message the day after, I was so upset and in shock I wasn't thinking straight.
I should have just accepted it and moved on.

He has messaged a few times about random stuff, I even went to his house to collect something - I think he wanted to chat about us but couldn't bring himself to do it - he could have just left the item in my doorstep but made a big thing of me collecting it.

I've accepted we're truly other, I'm really sad and gutted but its for the best. He didn't meet my needs and I doubt he ever could have done because he is emotionally unavailable. Even though the split was right doesn't stop it hurting.

Aw @SortingItOut I'm so sorry. That's so tough. Our stories are similar, I think we could have worked but he was set in his own wee routine. Your ex seemed to get to a stage where he missed you though, maybe wasnt sure how to reach out. I'm glad you seem stronger though, it's so tough. Sending hugs.

We are, although I'm not sure why as he isn't particularly invested or interested in me. I do get what you are saying, and if I was emotionally attached to someone I would be gutted if they were considering going on Tinder, but the fact is he isn't.

I have no doubt when I finish things - which I will do before engaging with anyone - he will take it without question, won't show he is bothered in the slightest and, as my bible of Mr U and the FBG says, he will assume this was going to happen anyway, it's proved his point so he won't bother trying with the next person. A very sad cycle, because I adored him and thought we had something special, but there you go...

@LuckyLinda3 I was the best girlfriend/partner he's had in terms of job, finances, independence and I never cheated on him.
We got along fine when I made no demands of him, as soon as I stated my needs he would panic and hint at ending things.
We were also at different life stages, my children are adults whereas his son is starting high school next month. He has his son 4 evenings/nights a week minimum (including every weekend) and with my job involving some evening working our time together was limited.

Our future plans didn't align, I wanted LAT, he wanted to live together but only told me this 2 months before we broke up despite saying for a long time he wouldnt live with someone. He is do emotionally unavailable he couldn't even state his own needs and wants.

Definitely for the best but still hurting like hell. I'm going with the flow of my feelings, I'm mainly ok but time of the month seems to make me think alot and get teary.

@Mila14 The book is pretty dark, it's got some great reviews though. My daughter read it and said it's one you keep thinking about after you've read it. I'll let you know when I finish it!

@SortingItOut …you’re incredibly strong. It’s normal having bad days

@SortingItOut I've been thinking all evening about you saying I'm not being fair to Mr Train by going on Tinder.

I flit back and forth between the rights and wrongs of the situation and I can try to justify it to myself, but you are right - I need to end things with him.

Thank you for making me accountable for my actions.

@SortingItOut Mila is right, you are incredibly strong. Are you just taking time out for yourself and taking dating off the table or still interested in dating? I live in rural Ireland so the dating pool here is very limited. I think I'll have a cosy family autumn/winter with my 2 kids and reassess next year.

Thanks @Mila14 😊

@Daisysunset I am vehemently against cheating of any kind and I'm happy to call people out. I know some people are fine with cheating. I always think we should treat people how we wish to be treated and not stoop to their level.

@LuckyLinda3 I'm not interested in dating, I'm currently searching for an FWB.
I do want a relationship in the future and I know what I want that to look like but I'm not ready for that just yet.
Your plan of reassessing next year is a good one.

Yes, you are quite right. In my head I was justifying it with his lack of effort but it's not fair really.

Just not sure whether I should give him a chance to up his game, or just say I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling it - I knew it would be a slow death. Should have called it ages ago, but his lack of interest re my friend's funeral and then the washing v me issue were the final nails in the coffin. So even if he did say he wanted to try, I think I'm over it. And I don't think he's got the emotional capacity anyway.